Young Writers Society

Ignorance is rampant.

Hypocrisy infests the dark recesses of people's beings
Why?
Why must the truth stand alone and fight a losing battle?
The supposed God's light has never shined on me.

They have taken eveything.
The only thing that remains are the memories of
humanity's earnest actions that once plagued my thoughts
they took advantage of my world and inoculated me in a way.

Desensitized; I stand alone and feel the empty carcass they left behind
I fill the vacancy with malicious intent and revenge.
Self-conciousness; I am aware of what I've done,
but I'll never regret my actions... never

Happiness was always out of my reach, but not for others
jealousy and rage course my veins,
fueling my desires for both destruction and peace
my silent revolution seems endless.

I no longer count love and God in my life
for I know that they only bring the end of my anger.

Life, for me, has been revolutionized,
knowing that the end is near, all is so clear now.
I can now see all the time I've spent pleasing others.
I suddenly see a sweet release

Death's eternal grip holds me tightly and yet somehow,
I feel at home.

Okay first of all I loved most of the poem... it emits a silent anger something that makes you think again about yourself and what have you been doing... everything is well till you mentioned god... dont get offended but that's my personal opinion.

Death's eternal grip holds me tightly and yet somehow,
I feel at home.

That phrase gave me chills down my spine... awesome

Hello there!

First off, welcome to YWS. I hope you like it here as much as I do! If there's anything that I can help you with, just ask and I'll help you as much as I can! Now, on to the poem.

I feel like this poem is teetering on the ege of being something truly extraordinary, and that it just needs a few little tweaks to send it over. So, I'm going to make a few suggestions that I think will better it.

The first thing I think needs a slight refining is the feeling of this poem. The hopelessness and underlying anger that you expressed can be a good thing to write about in a poem as long as you make it unique. Otherwise, it turns into just a rant, and there are no shortages of those.

One must resort to the most petty human emotion: selfishness.
and make a journey to the farthest corridors of my being.
Self-conciousness; I am aware of what I've done,
but I'll never regret my actions... never

This stanza is a perfect example of what I'm referring to. What it conveys is something with quite a bit of potential, but it feels somehow flat, at least in my opinion, and I think I know what the problem is.

At the beginning of the stanza, you started out with the word "One". That feels somehow distant and like it's something that applies to everybody, rather than just the author. Poetry should be unique, an expression of the author's own feelings. Perhaps finding a more personal way to express this would better the poem.

My mind is, well it can't be stable now can't it?
jealousy and rage course my veins,
fueling my desires for both destruction and peace
my silent revolution seems endless.

I like this stanza much better. The words that you used are vibrant and express your emotions well. The only thing I would change about this stanza is the first line. It feels broken up and sort of snapped me out of the process of reading your poem. I would change it to something more fluent and smooth. It will make this stanza easier to read.

All in all, great work! I see an enormous amount of potential in this piece! Just remember, as long as you like your work, it really doesn't matter what anybody else thinks, does it? Always keep writing!!!

-Rose

I also did find that stanza a little off. Hmm. I'll think of something. But I overall appreciate both of you guys' feedback!