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Magnificent, This World Chapter One



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Sun Oct 23, 2011 3:50 am
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MSDavies says...



1


The figure stands alone in the shadows. Completely alone. His baby-blue eyes shine bright in the blackness that surrounds him. He trudges slowly amongst the ruins of this damaged world. He stops, violently kicks aside a large piece of rubble, stares silently as it flies across the broken road. The bright blue eyes flit quickly back to where the blackened piece of rubble had previously lain. There, his eyes fall upon a single object, shimmering alone amongst the ugliness that was this place: a golden chain, and in the middle, hanging perfectly: a golden crucifix. His eyes stare mercilessly at the piece of jewelry as his fist clenches it tightly and it crumbles into gold-dust between his cold, lifeless fingers.


+++


I jolt awake, the sweat sweetly trickling down my pale face. That dream. That same dream with that man. That terrible man of whom has been my main haunt for quite a while now. My Aunt Kat (God rest her soul) would always say, “Often, the dreams that reoccur are the ones that shape your life.” Wisdom like that right now would be greatly appreciated.
Why must I live with everlasting loneliness in this place? This place of the cold and damp. It is as if you had been running up the stairs, too excited to care, and all of a sudden there is one less step than expected. And as your foot falls, it seems as though a rock of sudden dread and disappointment has just dropped to the pit of your stomach. That is exactly how I felt that day when they took me away. Away from the sky, away from my family, my home, and into this underground hole.

Seventeen. I am seventeen and constantly going through the motions as a lifeless robot. Just doing what is needed to survive down here. Every day, it is the same routine, the same boring old schedule. This constant normality makes me want to run into a brick wall. I hate being down here. Trapped with no way out. Most nights, right before they come and gas me to sleep, my thoughts are not filled with what the next day will hold. No, my thoughts are of my family, my mother, father, and little sister, Klaire. How they are doing, what their lives are like up there, and if they ever wonder why I am underground in some government operation. Most of all though, I wonder if they ever miss me as much as I miss them.
Of course, my thoughts are cut short. Right on time I hear the complicated locks on my door adjust themselves so that they may open for the short bald man who has had the uneventful duty of “putting all of us to sleep” for the past seven years. Lying upon the filthy, rock-hard mattress I feel the all-too-familiar mask slide onto my face as gas fills the emptiness. I look coldly into the man’s grey, unseeing eyes before letting unconsciousness take me harshly into its dark embrace.

Again I dream of those hideous blue eyes, appearing from the darkness behind me as I stroll. He then pulls out a knife with a black haze of smoke tightly wreathed around it. I want to yell, to scream, to wake up, but I am frozen to the spot: immobile. The knife flashes and I feel my own warm blood running down my neck. I fall down, forever and ever. Falling faster and faster. Then, seconds before my mangled body is finally able to hit the ground where it shall forever rest, I wake up.

“Joy Wotcher is required at the gate. I repeat, Joy Wotcher is required at the gate,” says the voice over the speakers. Wotcher? That’s me, I think. How should I know it has been all too long since I have exchanged conversation with a human being, but I get off my bunk so that I may head down to wherever it is that I need to go.
After living down here for as long as I have, I have only ever seen “the gate” once. I was ten. Ten years old, being dragged through that awful gate into this new, terrible place. Nobody wants to admit it, but once you enter through the gate, the only way you’ll be able to leave is through a body bag. I myself, had thought once of taking it that far, just to get out of here. Of course, I never went through with it; I have more to live for than that.
As I get ever closer, I think of making a run for it, to risk it all just for that sliver of hope. I realize, without noticing that I have been clenching my hand tightly around the last thing I have other than memories to remind me of my real home. It is a small, insignificant piece of jewelry given to me by my mother the day I was taken away. A golden crucifix is all that remains of my former life, the life that was worth living.

At last, I have reached the gate. The ominous metal structure looms above us all. I am held back forcefully as the gate slowly opens, the doors slightly creaking at the enormous amount of force needed to push them open. I look longingly at what is beyond the gate as it opens: a sky, the most beautiful night sky that has ever shone. The stars are shimmering brightly, tempting me to leave this place to go live under their sky instead of this artificial one. I want to do it so badly, but looking at the golden chain hidden under my uniform I realize that it would be useless. After just reaching the gate I would be shot down before ever experiencing that magnificent sky again. That is something I would not, and could not, risk.

I stand still and watch as an enormous crate is dragged inside. Oh great! I get to carry in the weekly food shipment. It is essential that the people from up above bring us supplies once a week, for without their aid, we would all die slow and awful deaths down here. I keep looking, why would they need extra people to carry the supplies? They have always managed fine before. Especially now, the shipments have had a lot less to offer, because they have had to be very conservative above ground. Apparently, the people up above are warring with each other. Making rough times for all.
Then I see why I’m here. Not too long after the crate arrived something else appeared in front of the gate. Being pulled roughly by large men in black uniforms are children. Most are still in their pajamas, taken while their parents were sleeping. They cry, scream, and kick their captors sharply in the stomach. No effect. I feel my own tears beginning to gather up in the corners of my eyes. I must not show weakness, so I straighten up abruptly and blink back the tears.
“Hey Wotcher I have a little roommate for you,” says a large man gruffly as he forces a small child into my grip. I look down into her tear-filled eyes; she can’t be any older than eight. So small, so alone, and so frightened. I softly grab her arm while bending down to gently say, “Hey kid, what’s your name?”
“N-Nicole,” she mutters out through another round of sobbing.
“Listen, Nicole. It’s not so bad here; you have me to look after you no matter what. I’m your family now, and I’ve got your back. By the way, my name is Joy, but you can call me Jo.” I offer her my hand but she slams her face into me and embraces me tightly.
“I want my mother though, I miss her,” she squeaks out softly into my stomach.
“I know,” I say as I return her embrace, “Me too.”


+++


By mid-evening Nicole and I are back in our cell. I ask her how she was taken and what had happened, but she just sits upright on her mattress silently. I decide that will be a conversation to have in the future, so I settle into my own mattress and relax for a few hours until I have to try to fall asleep so that I don’t have to experience the unpleasantness of having that poor man do it for me. I mean, it’s the kid’s first night here. She had better be left alone for a while so that she can figure things out for herself. She also needs to get over the immediate grief of the knowledge that she will never see her family again.
I awaken slowly from yet another troubling, mysterious dream. I look lazily up at the bunk above me, where undoubtedly Nicole is sleeping away her sudden shock. I really don’t want to wake the kid up, so I slowly swing my long legs over the side of my bunk carefully setting them down onto the freezing cement floor.
It still comes as quite a shock to me as my feet touch down onto the burning cold cement. It is as if, somehow, a bolt of lightning has come up from the floor in through my feet and up through my spine. It’s that cold.


+++



It’s wrong. It’s so wrong. The way they lock us in here like animals, giving us these ridiculous monkey-suits that we have to wear every day of our life. To take us away from the people who really love us, and most of all: giving us false hopes and dreams of escaping. We all know we will be here forever, and what can we do? We’re just children. Mere, insignificant kids.
After my second year here, I had already figured out how to pick the locks on my door. The hard part was remaining virtually invisible after sneaking out. Then again, they haven’t caught me yet on any of my early morning escapades, now have they?
I slide with my back against the wall of the dark corridor to stay out of any light that there is. Remaining unseen is vital. I have no destination; I guess I just put my life on the line for some level of excitement to break the tedium of this boring life. Sometimes it’s a food raid. Sometimes it’s seeing how far I can get until security gets too heavy. My favorite of course is sneaking to one tiny skylight I spied near the gate. It is possibly the most dangerous, but it’s more than worth it to see what most people down here may never see: the sunrise.
That beautiful majestic sunrise is the only thing that keeps me going down here. The hope of standing in a peaceful meadow watching the golden rays racing across the vast blue sky. Chasing away the darkness to bring forth the light anew. That is what I dream of. That is what I believe to be the meaning of life, even though I know deep down inside that the only time I will ever be able to experience its godlike radiance is through the smallest skylight, looking up from under the ground.

I am blinded. Immediately I shield my eyes from whatever it is that is causing this, but when I look up, it is nothing but that great ball of fire, the sun. I just sit there for a while. Just to enjoy this rarity of being somewhat happy. It is then that I realize that my birthplace, New York City, is not too far from this awful place.
“New York,” I mumble softly. The city I recall now ever so slightly, the city in which I was raised as child. I know that my family is probably in our cozy three-roomed apartment. Probably talking about the news and other trivial things. They probably don’t even remember they ever had a daughter, and if they did, why didn’t they come for me?
I want to yell, to scream out, so that someone, anyone would hear me. Of course, I do not; that little yell could get me noticed, and I could end up dead. Why must I be trapped down here? Why couldn’t someone else suffer this lifetime sentence of seclusion? And why was the last thing I said to my family “I hate you,” before I stormed off into my room. For now I know I will never be able to apologize or see them again.
I ask these questions almost every day now. I turn around quickly after I hear what I believe to be the hurried shuffling of feet. I stare with an angry gleam, ready to fight to the death. It is the faded blue uniform of another prisoner that stops me from just about gauging their eyes out.
“Geez, don’t be so jumpy. You know if you attract too much attention you’ll get shot around here,” says the stranger.
Ignoring her snide comment completely I say softly, “Who are you?”
“It’s me,” she says.
“Me who?” I say with a humored smile inching across the corners of my mouth.
“You’re quite the joker aren’t you, Jo? But I don’t feel the current obligation to tell you my name.”
“Well that’s just unfair,” I say, “because you seem to be quite the expert on all things ‘me’.”
“Life’s unfair,” she says with a smirk as she skips lightly away. “You gotta learn to deal with it.”
As her light footsteps fade away into the blackness, I realize how fatal the possibilities would be if she ever told anyone about seeing me. Fantastic. I’ve been discovered.


+++


I walk into the small room that Nicole and I share drowsily.
“Well, finally! What took you so long? I was worried that I didn’t have a roommate anymore,” Nicole says somewhat jokingly.
“Just ran into an unexpected obstacle,” I say simply, not really wanting to give away the fact that I had just been discovered. Nicole opens her mouth slightly as if she wishes to say something, but she thinks better of it and turns to go back to sleep. I eventually settle back in, almost in vain, to fall asleep.
“Books are mirrors: you only see in them what you already have inside you.”--Carlos Ruiz Zafon
  





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Points: 2005
Reviews: 29
Sun Oct 23, 2011 3:47 pm
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Crow29 says...



Well where to start. What a piece! I can't believe no-one has reviewed it yet.
I loved all the descriptions you've used at the beginning during Joy's nightmare. I had a really vivid image of what was happening form the word go, which definitely drew me in. The way you made it a 2nd person narrative of what was going on was unusual, but it tied in with being a dream very well, especially as you used 1st person for the rest of the piece.
You didn't give muc of a description of where Joy was at the start of the story, but slipping in the details throughout the piece had an excellent effect, and one which I haven't seen much of.
Your spelling and grammar was almost perfect, I think I noticed one single misplaced comma in the whole piece. It's not often you can please a pedant like me, so kudos for that.
I am going to read part 2 now, this story has me hooked.
Crow29
At the end of the day, when the sun is gone and the light is lost, the shadows will play.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fV9IJVoFR_Q
  





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Wed Oct 26, 2011 7:12 pm
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HeyItsApril says...



Wow...just wow. You are a very talented writer (just in case you didn't know that)! I thoroughly loved every bit of your piece! The idea of an underground government base housing children is unsettling, yet totally possible! I agree with what Crow said! Your use of the first person is very interesting, but hey, it appears to be working very well for you! This is a fantastic start and I can't wait to start reading your other posted chapters. Why have more people not reviewed this? If I were to say anything critical whatsoever, I would say that you should add more. Because I love reading this. You really captured the voice of Joy, your main character. And the appearance of the new character towards the end intrigues me. Awesome job girl! Forever may you write!


<3April<3
“What if evil doesn't really exist? What if evil is something dreamed up by man, and there is nothing to struggle against except out own limitations? The constant battle between our will, our desires, and our choices?” --Libba Bray
  





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Wed Nov 02, 2011 11:19 pm
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SmylinG says...



Hi there. :)

I know I'm a bit late, but I hope the quality of my review somehow makes up for my tardiness. I apologize in advance if anything I say in my review comes off in any way too blunt or discerning. It's been a busy week and I tend to eject reviews in a less of a sugar coated way. D: But anyway, onto it.

You open the story with a scene. A very basic, drawn out, little bit of information that's simply describing a simple action. But there's no real spark to it. It is a dream, so why not inject some personality where it counts and make the beginning of your story draw readers in? You pick up from this dream in a very explanatory way. I think you can allow the reader to know what was just occurring and also be subtle about it at the same time. Obvious doesn't win attention. Especially not in the beginning of a story. The pattern of being explanatory sort of carries out in this way through the rest of your story. I'm really not all that fond of the narration in this sense as it seems too cut-and-dry.

As for some smaller things:

How should I know(?) It has been all too long since I have exchanged conversation with a human being, but I get off my bunk so that I may head down to wherever it is that I need to go.


I keep looking(.) Why would they need extra people to carry the supplies?


Then again, they haven’t caught me yet on any of my early morning escapades, now have they?


Reading this line seemed so out of place with the tense of the prior lines, and the sentence structure is awkward. Avoid awkward structuring of your sentences and narration. It just comes off as a bit sloppy when the little errors jump out like this.

I want to yell, to scream out, so that someone, anyone(,) would hear me.


You have a tendency to scramble up your tenses I notice. I picked this sentence out as merely an example. You see the two words I placed in bold? Well, the first word you are presenting something in the present tense. In the second word you are presenting something as if it has the possibility of having already occurred. This sounds confusing being read, and awkward when you see it happening periodically throughout the piece. So watch your tenses. To fix this sentence, I would change the second word, would, to will.

And why was the last thing I said to my family “I hate you,” before I stormed off into my room(?)


This sounds very cliche, to put it plain. Little lines like that which hold little meaning and no punch, for they've been overused, often weigh down the good in your writing. Either nix this or fix it so it rings original.

"...But I don’t feel the current obligation to tell you my name.”


This piece of dialogue here comes off as trying too hard to sound wordy and intelligent. And the word current sounds as if you were meaning to put another word in place of it; like immediate. But this is simply an opinion. I'm sort of a stickler for great dialogue, so the little things always seem to jump out. xD But since I'm already on the topic of dialogue, I may as well point out one last thing.

“Well, finally! What took you so long? I was worried that I didn’t have a roommate anymore,” Nicole says somewhat jokingly.


The first issue I have with this, is that the little girl seems far too comfortable already with her situation by saying this jokingly. The second issue I have with this is that the dialogue seems far too mature for a child of her age. You want to be realistic in the sense that all characters fit the criteria of their age/demeanor. You go from scared pitiless to innocent joker. It's too large of a jump for me to draw any sense or sympathy from it.

Now, all in all I can kinda sorta see where you're going with this. You've established an interesting setting. But that's pretty much all you've done. Aside from the little things of course, like introduce a roommate to Jo, and introduce a mysterious roamer. But there was nothing of solid importance that I could gather from this. And for as long as it was, I would have indeed expected better.

For one, I still have no inckling of why these children are abducted and taken to live underground in some weird, low-income facility. It makes no sense, and although you gave tiny hints here and there as to what this is all about, I still gathered nothing important from it. My biggest question is always Why? Why is what's happening even happening? And why has it gone on for so long without any explanation? Clearly if there was anymore explanation to be had, it would be told in the narration of the story. But it isn't. A lot of things are left floundering. Like why there is a war going on above ground. I have no idea what kind of state the world is even in. You give little to no clues, and perhaps that is what bothers me most.

I think what you have here serves as grounds for a decent first draft, but there can be much done to this as far as improvements. Try and place yourself in the shoes of a newbie reader. What do you think someone who has never had any background of your story think of it really? Just some food for thought.

I hope this helps. Sorry again for being late to get to this. Feel free to request any future reviews, and if you do happen to edit this in any way, feel free to get back to me as well. I'd be more than willing to take a second look.

-Smylin'
Paul is my little, evil, yellow bundle of joy.
  





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Fri Nov 04, 2011 8:45 pm
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Rascalover says...



Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review! Majority of the review will be grammatical errors, but I'll try to give an overall impression of what I really think.

Completely alone.

This is redundant. You don't need this.

His eyes stare mercilessly at the piece of jewelry as his fist clenches it tightly and it crumbles into gold-dust between his cold, lifeless fingers.

There needs to be a comma after tightly because you are combining two complete sentences with a conjunction (and).

That dream. That same dream with that man. That terrible man of whom has been my main haunt for quite a while now.

None of these are complete sentences. Try to combine them so that they are or change them all together.

My Aunt Kat (God rest her soul) would always say,

The parenthesis should be commas.

And as your foot falls, it seems as though a rock of sudden dread and disappointment has just dropped to the pit of your stomach.

Never start a sentence with the word and. In this case just take it away and capitalize the a in as.

That is exactly how I felt that day when they took me away.

There should be a comma after day.

Away from the sky, away from my family, my home, and into this underground hole.

This is not a complete sentence; to make it one you could combine it with the sentence above.

Seventeen.

This is redundant and you don't need it. It has no effect on the reading of this part of your story.

I hate being down here. Trapped with no way out.

Combine these sentences by replacing the period after here with a comma and lower casing the t in trapped because Trapped with no way out is not a complete sentence because there is no subject.

Most of all though, I wonder if they ever miss me as much as I miss them.

There should be a comma after all.

The knife flashes and I feel my own warm blood running down my neck.

There should be a comma after flashes

Falling faster and faster.

This is not a complete sentence. There needs to be subject

How should I know it has been all too long since I have exchanged conversation with a human being, but I get off my bunk so that I may head down to wherever it is that I need to go.

There should be a semi-colon (;) after know.

As I get ever closer,

ever should be even.

I realize, without noticing that I have been clenching my hand tightly around the last thing I have other than memories to remind me of my real home.

There should be a comma after noticing.

No effect. I feel my own tears beginning to gather up in the corners of my eyes.

Replace the period after effect with a comma.

“Hey Wotcher I have a little roommate for you,”

There should be a comma after Wotcher because you are addressing someone.

she can’t be any older than eight. So small, so alone, and so frightened.

Replace the period after eight with a comma and lower case the s in so.

I offer her my hand but she slams her face into me and embraces me tightly.

There needs to be a comma after hand.

“I want my mother though, I miss her,”

Would an eight year call their mom mother? Or would they use a more endearing term.

She had better be left alone for a while so that she can figure things out for herself.

There needs to be a comma after while.

We’re just children. Mere, insignificant kids.

Replace the period after children with a comma and lower case the m in mere.

It is then that I realize that my birthplace, New York City, is not too far from this awful place.

This is really sudden. What makes her think of this?

Fantastic. I’ve been discovered.

Replace the period after fantastic with a comma.

“Well, finally! What took you so long? I was worried that I didn’t have a roommate anymore,” Nicole says somewhat jokingly.

Would she really be in such a joking mood if she had just been taken from her family, her hometown, everything she knew as normal? I don't think so. I think she would be worried of what could have happened to Jo.

Overall I really like this concept. It needs a little tuning, but other than that I think you really have something here. If you have any questions or need another review feel free to ask.

Have a great day,
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

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We are all broken. That's how the light gets in.
— Ernest Hemingway