Young Writers Society

Mikko wrote:Drury Lane

She’s addicted to the swings
the blades make.swings the blades make?

She lies there, still,
watching the unchanging anti-clockwiseThe description seemed a little too long, sort of lose concentration, maybe split it or sth
turns.

..........Fingers outstretched,
reaching.
Her toes, like ballerinas’-Maybe it's the fullstop on the senetnce above, or sth in this statement- the pace and flow you had created sort of stumbles here
on the very tip, balancing,
Reaching.

...........Each strand: attracted to autonomy.Maybe it's because I'm not familiar with this word, but this sentence seems harder tahn the above. Also, air particles- hurt, sounds a little odd. I like the feeling though, keep the meaning, see if other synonyms work.
Each finger: attracted to the slicing edges,
hurtful to the air particles around.

.........Engaging
is the taste of pain,
tangy and sweet-
like the muffins baked
On Drury Lane.

Ow, th end was scary. I didn't think you had a story but you did. And I love the professional vibe in your work. I like the pace and I think, writing free verses are harder (this was a free verse right?) but the free verse worked well. Hope the review helps.
Btw, your a better poet than writer. Don't take it offensively, This means your poetry is cool. ;D

Mikko wrote:Drury Lane

She’s addicted(why not place a line break here? Unless it has something to do with the rhyme scheme, I think a line break here would be much more powerful)
to the swings the blades make.

She lies there, still,
watching the unchanging anti-clockwise
turns. ( I assume this is to the incisions? It's not one of those 'oh how wonderful, that's what he means' moments. Because something like this needs to be powerful and the only way it can be powerful is by keeping it clear, even if it isn't immediately clear. This could be almost in reference to anything? To assert the image you could talk about blood, or the lack of pain, or appeal to another sense.)

“Do you know the muffin man…”
She sings to them.
“…who lives on Drury Lane?”( I would italicize the quotes rather than use speech marks. Also scrap the ellipses.)

One swing-
a foot upon the bed.
Two swings and the second foot
follows.( This business about feet upon the bed really confused me, it's a strange image, like she's cutting someone elses feet off? I thought this was about self harm?)

Fingers outstretched,
reaching.
Her toes, like ballerinas’-
on the very tip, balancing,
Reaching.( this is a little better, the image is clear, I'm not sure what it's purpose is but at least I understand the scene.)

“Yes, I know the muffin man…”
It’s cooler here, she feels.
Hair blowing in the blades’ gust,
Each strand: attracted to autonomy.
Each finger: attracted to the slicing edges,
hurtful to the air particles around.( Then this, this is great. Again I would recommend Italics over speech marks. And I think you could place the line breaks a little more effectively. The reason this stanza is so much stronger is because it brings it all back, suddenly we understand.)

Hurtful to her.

“…who lives…”
Blissful to the cravings,
delightful to the prying feelings
being cut open.

Engaging
is the taste of pain,
tangy and sweet-
like the muffins baked
On Drury Lane.