Young Writers Society

Ela crawled through the smoke. Pressure rose in her chest, and she struggled to breathe. Not now, she thought. As heat of the growing flames wafted towards her, she glimpsed a hint of light through the seething smoke.
- An immediate hook is not bad at all at the beginning, however, that "not now, she thought" seems rather badly placed between the two sentences or is too minor. I know it's supposed to let us know she is not going to give up that easily, but you put it between two sentences of excessive danger and you put it really small - just like a blurt, like if the situation wasn't much trouble. I could see it fit there better if it was a bit widened by a reason or her tone, people in danger aren't 100% cold blooded to be like "Hmph, not now".

A hand touched her shoulder. “Ela,” Veronie said. “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” she coughed. “I think I see the door. This way.” Ela crawled towards the light. Broken glass cut into her palms and knees.

“Please evacuate the building.” Water gushed from the sprinklers.

She found the door, pulled herself to her feet and ran into the hall. Students poured from the classrooms and rushed for the nearest stairwell. “Tana,” Ela yelled, scouring the panicked faces.

Tana fought her way through the moving crowd. “Ela.”

Ela stumbled into a stairwell as it swelled with students from the second floor. A strong hand shoved her, and she fell into a girl below. “Sorry,” she mumbled.

“Watch your step, dumbass,” Tana yelled behind them.

Ela squeezed out the emergency exit and shielded her eyes from the sun. A thick cloud of smoke hung over the building. A hovercar pulled into the courtyard and medics jumped out with their kits. She glanced at the other students huddled in dishevelled groups, but fine. “What were you thinking?” She shoved Tana.
- Up to this point I feel like the narrator has no feelings. After the beginning, when we get to know that Ela feels pressure, it's only action&action sentences. No feelings, emotions, impressions, it's just action through long lines, a very systematic action. It can make somebody assume that they aren't really that shocked or anything. Then Ela gets out through emergency exit and without any idea of her complete feelings she just shoves Tana for previous act. Alright, we could assume she's angry at her for the shove, but we still can't tell if she's furious or plainly angry or whatever. You tell nothing about it and if it's not written, we can assume whatever we want and that would create a completely different experience than the one you want to offer.

“Hey, I was very careful.”

“Someone could’ve gotten hurt.”

“No one did so just–” Tana paused as a pack of clerks arrived to do their rounds.

Ela straightened her uniform.

One approached, tablet clamped under her arm. “I’m collecting statements.”

“We know the drill.” Tana placed a hand on her hip.

The clerk held the tablet in front of Ela so she could press her thumb to the print-reader. “You had munitions class, correct?” she referred to Ela’s schedule on the screen.
- A tad late information that the cleric (which we have imagined by now, probably some jerky male f.e. is out of a blue a female. Young, old? Or it's so irrelevant that somebody's asking Ela and Tana questions, that you can hide it all behind simple "clerk" and then "she"?) is a woman.

“Correct.”

“Were you in the Forging Room when the explosion occurred?”

“Yes.”

“And someone can vouch for your whereabouts?”

“Yes.” Ela glanced at Tana.

The clerk ushered a medic over. He opened his kit and began tweezing the shards of glass from her palms as the clerk questioned Tana.

The medic sealed Ela’s wounds with a lightweight gel. “I’m fine.” She waved him away from her knees and turned to Tana.

“You can vouch for her whereabouts?” the clerk asked, unmistakably human except for the electric spark in her blue eyes.

Ela cleared her throat. “Yes. She was with me the whole time.” She tucked her hair behind her ears and kept eye contact with the clerk as she stood by her friend's side.

“Your belongings left in the room will be returned once we’ve completed a full assessment of the situation.” She moved to the next group of students.

“You think she bought it?” Ela whispered.

“They always buy it.”
- Interests nonetheless.

***


Rain drizzled outside while Ela scrolled through a catalogue of bombs, memorizing different makes and detonations. The class squashed in pairs at single desks, Tana sat beside her at their shared table. Her back straight and head down, she appeared hard at work. Ela nudged Tana with her elbow to wake her.

“Eeeela,” the teacher loomed over her.

“What?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Sorry, Miss, what was the question?”

Miss Sella folded her arms. “What are the four principle parts of typical bomb composition?”

Everyone turned and stared.

“Ah, casing, fins, fuse, and…” the last one tickled the tip of her tongue. “High explosive charge.”

“Correct, but pay attention to the references. Tana?” Sella cleared her throat.

Tana’s hand slipped, and her head hit the table. “Ahhh–” She slapped a hand to her head and looked up at Sella dazed.
- This is like 3rd or 4th time I've noticed a completely wrongly placed comma before "and". "And" is a word used as a joint without a need of a comma. Comma is used only if "and" joints a not too relevant sentence after 2-3 previous sentences of action&show.

“Have you been asleep this whole time?”

“What, no–”

The teacher smacked Tana across the back of her head. “Revision.”

Tana pulled a laser from her pocket. She pointed it at the teacher and the word, floozy, appeared on the back of her white blouse in giant red letters. Students pointed and threw their heads back laughing. Ela snatched the laser and hid it in her pants pocket.

Sella spun round. “Revision, Tana.”

“Yes, Miss.” Tana’s eyes followed Sella to her desk. “Bitch,” she muttered.

“She’ll catch you one day with your floozy detector,” Ela said.

“Not my fault it gives extremely accurate readings.”

“You’ll get thrown in a detention cell, if you don’t quit it. You’ve got to stop your antics.”

“Antics?” Tana folded her arms.

“Flipping teachers off. Cracking bald jokes in front of staff with receding hairlines.” She watched her friends lips stretch into a smirk. “No joke, Tana. It can’t be fun and games anymore.”

“I’m not gunna’ suddenly start following the rules, Ela.” Tana began carving into the desk top with her pocket knife.

Ela felt a tremor beneath her feet.

Thunder rumbled and the building shook. Everyone stood from their seats and crowded the windows. An explosion of light lit distant dark clouds. The haunting glow grew in size, billowing into a mushroom.

Ela placed a hand on the glass, heartbeat racing. “It’s happening again.”
- A bit typical ending. Something happens, we see the "It's happening again." and I immediately recall dozens of other stories and movies that have this. Nevertheless, it does raise a question about the light, so the job's done.