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Kaeru: Part #2



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Sat Aug 20, 2011 5:25 pm
Tenyo says...



Click here for Kaeru: Part #1
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The wind blew, and the sun shone.

His face was like a map of a land that no longer exists - battered and creased and scarred with the markings of a battle someone forgot. Like the match that burns the map and the flame that burns the memory, his cheeks brightened a little and the shadows of his dimples deepened.

He sat on the edge of his wagon, counting the half hour out with long, slow breaths, then stepped down and picked up one of the empty crates nearby. His arms tensed and trembled and his legs made a wobbly path towards the shop. The heals of his thin, canvas shoes dragged along the ground with a steady, prolonged scrape.

Times like this were nice, even if slow. He liked it here. The wind blew, and the sun shone. Treasure the small things. He always did.

He added this one onto the other pile of empty crates that lay outside.

The shop had been left empty for so long the windows were misted with dirt and cobwebs had clotted in the corners. Our mother had said it was probably inherited or given to someone rich who just never found a use for it. Bere had helped paint the doorframes and windowsills, which now looked as odd as a golden watch on a paupers wrist. He was going to return soon to help move the last of the stock in.

Vast was short, even by my standards. His hair was white and tattered, and looked like it had been held up and cut with a dull razorblade, his skin like creased leather. The calluses on his hands were as tough as plastic.

Up at the top of the road he caught a glimpse of the boy who moved at a pace slower than his own, lulled by the spring air and eyes as careless as a child chasing leaves in autumn. He carried with him a large bag over his shoulders and a few stray envelopes in his left hand.

That’s me, as I was a long time ago. Sometimes I wonder, would I have still been walking so casually if I knew what I was about to walk into? Probably. Some habits never change.

Vast lifted his hand to wipe his brow and block the sun from his gaze. He picked up the only crate that wasn’t empty and started the long, slow journey across the road again.

I stepped out of his way just as he moved in the same direction and we smacked into each other, the crate slipping straight out of his bony hands.

The box was full of twists and spindles of wires, book shaped pieces of brass and silver stars that splintered and glittered across the pathway in an assortment of shapes.

‘I’m sorry!’ I dropped straight onto my knees to scoop them back up. ‘I should have been paying more attention.’

Vast slowly lowered himself into a squatting position and reached out to pick the pieces up, carefully avoiding the sharper points.

‘Thank you,’ he lifted his head, his dark eyes like splodges of ink on an old, crinkled piece of parchment. He seemed too old to even be alive.

I felt strange when he looked at me. It was the way a person might look at someone who is already very familiar to them. He carried a slightly eastern accent, like he was from the midlands somewhere. ‘Running errands for your mother again?’ He asked.

I nodded. If we had met before, I would have remembered him. Vast wasn’t the kind of person you forget. As he reached over I caught the smell on his weather-beaten jacket, like damp stones - like a quarry. Or a cave. Or a dungeon.

‘Your brother, Bere,’ he said. His voice was raspy and carried the tone of a corroded music box. ‘A good helper, and a strong worker he is. He spoke well of you.’

With the contents back in the box I lifted it back up, pretending not to struggle with the weight of the metal. As I slid it onto the other boxes he spoke again. ‘Perhaps you can be of aid to me too.’

‘What with?’

‘My shop is due to open soon, and I could do with some hard working hands.’ He held out his own, his fingers and palms trembling. The wrinkled skin looked like it had been dried and crumpled by more than just time and work. ‘Well, they’re not what they used to be.’

‘I need to finish my errands, I’ll come back when I’m done.’

‘I don’t have much money to pay you.’

‘I only have school three afternoons each week. It‘s good for me to keep busy, otherwise I‘ll get lazy.’ I had heard mother say those words so many times I didn’t even think twice before repeating them.

The dimples in his cheeks darkened again, a brief indication of a smile.

‘Come by tomorrow morning then.’ He coughed and the wrinkles in his skin tore his lips back into a tired frown. Something was taking its toll on him.

‘I will,’ I bowed to him lightly. ‘See you soon…’

‘We’ll make introductions tomorrow, shall we. You have things to do, as have I.’ He turned and lifted one of the empty boxes, walking backwards to push the door open into the shadow of his shop.

Time was something I had plenty of. Damson, the youngest of my brothers except me, was like Bere in that he was a tough talker. He was always getting into mischief and was getting too old for mother to use the ignorance of youth as an apology when people came knocking on our door to complain about him.

When he wasn’t working he would go out with friends, of whom he seemed to have an infinite amount. Myself, I had none. Many acquaintances, never friends. I believed I would even be fine if I lived on my own in the most remote place in the world.

I guess I only thought like that because I had never known what it was like to be alone before.

Vast knew all too well.
Last edited by Tenyo on Mon Nov 21, 2011 12:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Fri Aug 26, 2011 4:40 am
TheCrimsonQuill says...



Yet another wonderful piece from you :D
I'm not exactly sure if I told you this already, but I have fallen in love with your descriptions and imagery.
Keep up the good work!
No, sir. I am not crazy. I just have a vast amount of beautiful imagination.

Spoiler! :
Imprisoned beneath is where the souless dwell.
Lies a place that the damned call home.
A place where the virtuous hide in fear.
A place we only see in our nightmares.
A place where the sun is silent...
- Alesana
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:29 am
StellaThomas says...



Ten! Hehe, Vast...

I. NITPICKS

The wind blew, and the sun shone.


I love weather. I find it so exciting, don't you?

His face was like a map of a land that no longer exists - battered and creased and scarred with the markings of a battle someone forgot. Like the match that burns the map and the flame that burns the memory, his cheeks brightened a little and the shadows of his dimples deepened.


Mixing similes a lot. I like the first sentence, the second not so much...

The heals of his thin, canvas shoes dragged along the ground with a steady, prolonged scrape.


heels...

Our mother had said it was probably inherited or given to someone rich who just never found a use for it.


Our? There's a speaker? First I heard of it!

odd as a golden watch on a paupers wrist.


pauper's

He carried with him a large bag over his shoulders and a few stray envelopes in his left hand.


No, because he's going to carry them without him...

He seemed too old to even be alive.


If he's that old, it's really quite shocking that he's doing all this heavy lifting...

'Running errands for your mother again?’ He asked.


small h ;)

'My shop is due to open soon, and I could do with some hard working hands.’ He held out his own, his fingers and palms trembling. The wrinkled skin looked like it had been dried and crumpled by more than just time and work. ‘Well, they’re not what they used to be.’


From here on I had no idea who was saying which bit, even though it seems like it should be obvious.

II. CONTINUITY

The main problem I have with this is that I can't see how it bears any correlation to the last part. We suddenly have a first person speaker- who doesn't appear until a quarter of the way through, and I'm wondering, is he the boy on top of the mill? You make no mention of it- and then looks back on himself like he's an old man himself, which is fine, but you haven't given us any earlier indication that this is where he's speaking from. What's happened to Vincent? And this whole time, we still haven't found out your MC's name.

As two separate entities, these are good, but together they don't seem to quite come together. Maybe the connection wll become apparent as I read on.

III. OVERALL

Not bad at all- but the confusion with the voice I feel really needs to be cleared up.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
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Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:39 am
AngerManagement says...



Hullo Ten,

I love this. You'll know that from my previous review but this one's a bit confusing. You start out in third person I believe and somehow you end up in first person. The switch was a bit distracting and jarring for want of a better word.

The shop had been left empty for so long the windows were misted with dirt and cobwebs had clotted in the corners. Our mother had said it was probably inherited or given to someone rich who just never found a use for it. Bere had helped paint the doorframes and windowsills, which now looked as odd as a golden watch on a paupers wrist. He was going to return soon to help move the last of the stock in.
It all changes here I believe.

Also what happened to Vincent? You leave me wanting to know about him and then you don't even include him in the next chapter >.>

I feel like this story is very vague and that you're not letting us into the inner working of the characters mind. I want to find out who your MC is beneath it all, so I can find myself cheering for him, feeling his pain, getting angry with him.

Anger :D
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Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:43 am
Evi says...



Sorry for the delay! I wasn't able to set aside time until Review day conveniently rolled around. :)

Vast was short, even by my standards.


Whoa! Where'd the "my" come in? Who's the first-person narrator here? The "our" in the previous paragraph too. Don't get POV-schizophrenic on readers-- it's quite confusing.

Here, my complaints are more concentrated: who is telling the story here? Who is this boy? Is it the same boy from the windmill scene last time? I find this shift with the whole "He is who I was long ago" part very confusing, and I'm not sure which characters I'm looking at. It's odd that this is in first person where Part One wasn't, and I don't think that's a good way to go about structuring a story. So while I enjoy your pacing and writing overall, I'm having trouble sorting out what's going on here. The first bit's in third person-- we get into the mind of the old man. Then it's suddenly first.

Besides that, I will say that I don't particularly like the opening here. It's too similar to the opening of the last part-- all introspective and descriptive. While that's great, I think you need to start this segment with some plot and conflict, because so far you don't have much. I can't tell what connects this to the last part, which characters overlap, which city or village we're talking about. Without conflict your story will fall flat fast, with no force driven everything, so introduce that ASAP. And running into an old man doesn't quite count as conflict, although I suppose it's a start. ;)

Overall, sort out your narration/perspective and make sure you introduce the plot soon. Happy writing and good job!

~Evi
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