Young Writers Society

What's happened in this novel so far:











Zoey

My mum’s office shared the tidiness of a car wreckage, and if anything, it was even messier. There were loose papers spilled all over her wooden desk, none of the books on her shelves were in any kind of order, and she had so many items stuffed into her cupboard, I was surprised the doors didn’t burst open. It was a good thing she had me to help her clean it up, that was for sure. Luke, on the other hand... not so much.
“No! Luke, you don’t put a fictional book in the same shelf as the non-fiction ones.” I snatched the book back off the shelf, merely seconds after Luke had stuffed it in there. “The fictional ones are down here,” I muttered, bending my knees as I placed the book into the bottom compartment.
“Live on the edge a little, Zo,” he replied as he rolled his eyes.
I knew I had a tendency to overdo it on the perfection department, but that right there was simply common sense. I scanned the rest of the bookcase to check that Luke hadn’t shoved any other fictional books into the wrong place, but thankfully, nothing seemed to be out of order.
My mum had asked the both of us to help her tidy her room, and I was more than happy to help, although she practically forced Luke into it when he came over this morning. I’d have preferred it if she hadn’t because, if anything, he was making things worse. As I turned to my mum who was sorting out the cupboard, my gaze paused when it reached my brother. He had to be kidding. He was now charging a toy car at a rather dry looking plant on my mum’s desk.
“How old are you?” I raised my eyebrows as he looked up at me.
“Almost twenty-one. In fact, my birthday’s next month, so I hope you’ve been saving up for it. I’ll be expecting to see the truck parked outside my flat first thing in the morning, considering you’ll need one because of how huge my present will be.”
“I’m just hoping Mum and Dad get you a new car because yours is disgusting,” I replied as he fiddled with the toy in his hands.
“Hey, don’t offend Johnny. He may be old, but he’s got a lot of kick in him.”
I stared at him. “You’ve named your car?”
“No duh.” He winked at me.
After dropping the toy onto the floor, which caused even more of a mess, Luke grabbed a huge pile of papers off my mum’s desk. As expected, the majority of those papers flew out of my brother’s hands and onto the already cluttered floor. Instead of placing the remaining paper that was in his hands back onto the desk, he thought it was a wise idea to just drop them next to him as he sat down. The quantity of dishevelled paper grew.
“Luke!” I snapped as I practically charged at him. “Just sit down!” I pointed at the sofa opposite me.
When he didn’t reply, I smacked the top of his head, but he just laughed as he stood up. I glared at him before he could say anything, which led to him raising his hands up defensively. Thankfully, he then went and sat down on one of my mum’s sofas. I had no idea how I coped when he still lived here. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. I wasn’t sure how she did it, but Aimee seemed to possess a power that allowed her to make Luke do things correctly or not do them at all, despite him being a good few years older than her. I realised that I was smiling as I began picking up the dropped paper.
“Zoey?” For the first time in a while, my mum spoke. I looked up to see her glancing through some papers. She turned her eyes to me. “Have you met Charlie’s dad, by any chance?”
“Well, no, why?”
“I was just looking through some of Charlie’s documents, and my thoughts went for a stroll. He hasn’t mentioned his dad at all during any of his lessons, and it seems a bit odd to me, that’s all.” She placed what I assumed were Charlie’s documents onto the windowsill.
Charlie had only had four lessons with my mum so far, with the latest one being yesterday, but he’d spent a good amount of time here trying to give life to the bland travesty that was my garden. In some sense, I suppose it was weird that he hadn’t talked about his father once during that time. Speaking of Charlie, I was meeting him along with Austin today, and as I glanced at my watch, I realised they were due to be here in ten minutes or so. I turned back to my mum to see a thoughtful expression on her face.
“Jamie acted a bit strange sometimes, come to think of it.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, genuinely interested.
My mum hesitated, but she did eventually answer. “Don’t let Charlie know I’ve said this, but Jamie always made it rather clear that he, well, favoured Will over Charlie. I have no idea why though, and he was always rather impatient with Maddie. He lost his temper quite often.” It sounded like she was talking more to herself by now. “It just got me thinking because I noticed that Charlie constantly seems to have some form of a bruise on his face.”
“You think his dad’s violent with him?” Luke stole the words out of my mouth.
“Hang on there, before you go around assuming the worst, honestly, I doubt it. I was just thinking, that’s all. You know what I’m like at jumping to conclusions. I mean, Jamie was always very nice to me, and he’s served our country well, so the last thing I want to do is make false accusations.” She glanced between my brother and me. “So don’t go around saying anything. I hardly want Charlie to think I’m poking my nose into his business.”
With that, my mum turned around and continued sorting out the cupboard, although my mind lingered on what she’d just said. I’d spent quite a long length of time with Charlie by now, and not once had he mentioned his father. In fact, I only found out about his brother because he personally came to my house. I couldn’t remember Charlie ever talking about his mum either, not really. I’d never asked though, so I guess it wasn’t that strange. My mum was right about his bruises though, and I couldn’t quite come up with a rational explanation of how he would get so many of them. I was tempted to ask my mum for more details, but I decided that it was maybe best not to because she didn’t seem overly confident to tell Luke and I those minor details. With a thoughtful sigh, I carried on with my cleaning.



“Why ain’t you ever shown me this before, Charlie? It’s fricking awesome!” There was a grin on Austin’s face that spread from one ear to the other as he walked steadily over the crumbling rock bridge. It made me cringe just to watch.
“‘Cause you knowing about it probably heightens your risk of death by a hell of a lot. You ain’t exactly the most sensible guy in the world, in case you ain’t noticed that yet.”
Charlie laughed as Austin brought out a packet of cigarettes along with a lighter from his pocket. Considering the boy was overflowing with common sense, he thought it would have been a good idea to light one of the cigarettes as he carried on wandering along the narrow bridge.
“He’s worse than you,” I muttered to Charlie as he sat beside me on the safe, stable part of the cliff.
These two arrived at my house eventually, even if they were over twenty minutes late. Apparently, Austin had found a dead bird in the forest on the way, so it had distracted him. I was only just able to stop him from describing to me what the corpse looked like, and Austin appeared more than disappointed when I told him to spare me that delight.
“Exactly. That’s why I hang out with him. He makes me look really sensible, and a lot smarter too,” Charlie replied, tagging a pair of dimples along with a smile.
“Oi! I heard that!” Austin called back with the cigarette now in his mouth. “He’s lying, Zoey. He actually has a crush on me, sorry, so you’ll have to make do with Will.”
“No thanks,” I instantly responded before turning to Charlie. “No offence to your brother or anything.”
I doubted it was necessary because Charlie didn’t look the least bit offended. I moved a little closer to him and suddenly felt something hard and lumpy underneath me. My gaze lowered to see that part of my leg was on the gravel, and not on Charlie’s hoodie. In a flash, I shot up and began wiping the bits of dirt that had stuck to my leg. Ew, ew, ew. Today of all days, I’d decided to wear blooming shorts as well.
“The hoodie’s a bit small, ain’t it?” Charlie said, but it sounded more like he was speaking to himself. He paused for a while. “Hey, I’ll be back now. Wait here a second.”
Charlie stood up, but before I could ask him where he was going, he was jogging towards the forest behind me. As he entered the woods, Austin looked up from the bridge, then raised his eyebrows.
“Where’s he buggering off to?”
I couldn’t help but exhale a long breath when Austin stepped onto the stable part of the cliff. I swore these two were trying to give me a heart attack with that thing. In response to Austin, I shrugged to show him that I was just as clueless as he was. After spreading Charlie’s hoodie across the ground as much as possible, I sat back down. To be honest, I had no idea why Charlie had brought it with him because it was a pretty hot day. Not that I was complaining though because it meant that I had something to sit on while I was up here. Then again, he was also wearing a long sleeve shirt, so that must have been making him sweat. He always seemed to be wearing a jacket, a hoodie, or a long sleeved t-shirt nowadays.
Being careful not to touch the rough ground, I brought my knees up to my chest and rested my chin on them. The ocean was calmer than ever today, and the comforting sun made it look as though there were billions of tiny diamonds floating on the water’s surface. Simply looking at it made me feel drowsy. As I moved my eyes away from the ocean, I noticed that Austin had his face in his phone and a fresh cigarette in his mouth. I was more than glad Charlie didn’t smoke because the stuff smelt foul. The wind blew the smoke in my direction. I scrunched my nose.
When I heard footsteps behind me, I turned my head to see Charlie emerging from the overgrown forest. In his hands, he had what looked like a large, wooden box. I glanced back at Austin, but he was busy throwing rocks over the cliff and into the ocean now, so I turned back to Charlie. He placed the box in front of him when he sat beside me again.
“What on earth is that?” I asked as he opened it.
When he did open it, all I could see was some kind of beige material. As Charlie pulled it out, I realised that it was a small blanket. I tried taking a look at what the rest of the box contained, but before I could even blink, he’d snapped the lid shut.
“Here, sit on this,” he said, handing me the blanket.
“Ummm... why do you keep a blanket in a box in the middle of a forest?” I replied, eyeing the blanket in my hands as I felt the soft material.
Charlie laughed. “It’s easier to keep this stuff up here; it’ll get wrecked in my house. The wood of the box doesn’t rot or anything ‘cause I keep it under this huge rock thing in the forest. The rain can’t get to it that way.”
I stood up, then placed the blanket over Charlie’s hoodie. Despite the blanket being rather small, it covered more than enough of the cliff for me to be able to sit down comfortably. When I did sit down, I tilted my head and reached for the wooden box, but as I did so, Charlie quickly snatched it away.
“Come on, what’s in there?” I nudged him.
“Nothing interesting,” he replied, but I raised my eyebrows at him. “Sheesh, I should’ve left it under the rock. Honestly, Zo, it’s just some rubbish.”
“Well, considering you keep it up here so that it doesn’t get wrecked in your house, it can’t be rubbish, at least not to you,” I pointed out.
Charlie knew that I’d caught him out. He sighed before handing me the box. “Fine then, but don’t complain when you realise it’s full of crap.”
He leaned back against the rock behind him while he watched me observe the box that was now in my hands. Its lid was chipped and worn, but I could see that it used to be covered with various patterns and vivid swirls. Charlie was clearly trying to appear as though he wasn’t interested in what I was doing, but I could feel his eyes glancing back and forth at me every few seconds. I slid my hand down the front of the box until I reached the rusted, metal clamp that kept the whole thing shut. I flicked the tiny handle sideways, and then lifted up the worn out lid.
The first thing that caught my eye was a heap of paper, and when I pulled it out of the box, I realised that they were all covered in messy drawings made by crayons and coloured pencils. Underneath all the paper was an overflowing, brown envelope, a battered teddy bear, an old-fashioned pocket watch, some rocks that appeared to have come from the seaside, and some fairy tale books.
“What is this stuff?” I asked as I pulled the brown envelope out of the box to see what was inside it.
“Mum liked collecting things like that, and then putting them altogether in here to keep them safe. It’s stupid, I know.”
“You’re kidding, right? This is so sweet!”
I dropped the empty envelope back into the box, and I was now holding a thick pile of photographs that I’d pulled out of it. Many of them were faded, but the ones that weren’t caused my smile to broaden even more. They were all childhood photos of Charlie and Will, along with other people, most of which I didn’t know. Except for the many photos that included Austin, of course. I grinned. He hadn't changed a bit. There were a number of pictures of him and Charlie on this very cliff, from the ages of around three to thirteen. There didn't seem to be any recent ones though, for some reason.
I paused when I reached a photo of a young woman with long, black hair sitting on what looked like this very cliff. She was wearing a white summer dress while a long piece of string with a silver pocket watch tied on the end hung around her neck. I took a closer look.
Her face was clear and beautiful, and resting his head on her shoulder beside her with his eyes closed was Charlie, who at the time, looked around twelve years old. Charlie had a beige blanket shrouded over his body, and the woman had her arms wrapped around him. On her face was a soft smile and a pair of dimples.
“Is that your mum?” I asked, showing Charlie the picture. He sat up, glanced at the photo so quickly that I was shocked he even knew it was there, and then nodded. I gazed at the picture as I spoke. “God, you look like her.”
As I observed the photo more carefully, I realised that the blanket in the photo was the one I was sitting on right now. I turned to Charlie to say something about it, but stopped when I noticed that he was staring deeply at the ocean as though he was lost in another world. I thought it was best not to keep nagging at him, so instead, I carried on scanning through the photos in my hand. Quite a number of them contained Charlie’s mum, and the more of them I saw, the more striking Charlie’s similarity to her became. He had her eyes, her hair, her smile, her nose and even their bone structure was similar. Well, I certainly knew where he got his good looks from now.



Click here to read STOP AND STARE (PART TWENTY-TWO)

Smurf!

Goo here as promised

I scanned the rest of the race to check that Luke hadn’t shoved any other fictional books into the wrong place

Scanned the rest of the what?

my gaze paused when they reached my brother.

'they' should be 'it'

I couldn’t’ help but exhale a long breath

Just a typo with the extra apostrophe on 'couldn't'

at least not to you,” I pointed out.

I think 'I said pointedly' would sound better than 'I pointed out.'

made my crayons and coloured pencils.

'my' should be 'by'

***

Have I ever told you how much I love Austin? He's so funny and cheeky. I loved the part where he told Zoey that Charlie was in love with him. Classic

I liked that you had Luke in this part too. We don't see much of him but, seeing as Zoey's lost Aimee, it's nice to see her relationship with her brother. He seems pretty immature, with the toy car, and he always seems to be taking the mickey out of Zoey, but I can tell that he really cares for her too. Like when they were at the supermarket and he was worried about her hanging out with Austin. Though really, Austin kinda is a bad influence. Their relationship comes across as realistic.

I thought the scene with the box was great. It was nice to finally get a look at Charlie's mum and see some of the things that her and Charlie used to do together. The box kind of inforced how strong their bond was. It's sad to think that Charlie's on his own at home, as his dad prefers Will, but at least he's got Zoey now

I think the part where Sophie's talking about Charlie possibly getting beaten up by his dad was good. It shows that the other character's are aware that Charlie's relationship with his dad is complicated. Zoey's reaction to it was realistic, with her thoughts lingering on the subject for a while, but I think when she sees that Charlie's wearing a long sleeved shirt, she should maybe have the thoughts again. Think back to what her mum said. It doesn't have to be a big chunk of text, but maybe just a little thought before Charlie returns and distacts her with the box.

As always, I loved reading this and I'm looking forward to the next part. Post more soon or I'll eat your flesh

Goo

Ah, finally... *makes it rain with virtual cookies* ...Now I feel I can give a proper review seeing as I'm all caught up. I have to say after reading all of this, two things continuously pop into my head. 1.)British slang. My head is now swimming in the stuff, so thanks Skins. 2.) This song. Which I'm sure you can get why. But anyway. Onto the review!

So one thing I guess that stood out a bit was the way you picked up from the last chapter. It seemed like such a clean slate. But I guess the reason that stuck out to me so much was because I noticed how throughout the story, you tended to kind of blend the chapters into one another by continuing the scene until it gradually led to another, or allowing Zoey to pick up where Charlie's POV led off. And so on. It's not really much of an issue, but I did notice it up until your characters brought up the subject of Charlie once more. In a way it sort of allowed the story to turn over a new chapter. (Literally and not) It's now the part in the story that Zoey and Charlie both are deciding to be closer to each other. So I kindv'e like where it's all going.

I thought it was a little funny how you had Zoey alone with not just Charlie, but Austin, too. It made him seem like that awesome third wheel you sometimes end up with when you're sorting out relationships in real life for the first time, when everything's all fresh. I could sort of relate to the scene in this way I think. x) But it also sort of defines Charlie's and Austin's relationship better when you decide to do things like this in the story. Like they have some sort of bro-mance. I think it's adorable and kindv'e quirky. It definitely makes for the kind of unique relationships I've come to like with this story.

Another thing with Austin though I wanted to point out, was how smooth it is you're defining his relationship with Zoey as well. Like she doesn't mind his presence despite the habits he has that seem to irk her. I'd continue to develop that relationship they way you are, too (very nonchalantly yet obvious), for it'll make it just that much more interesting when she finds out the truth about how he was involved with the death of her sister. --By the way, you have me on edge about that now. I hope everything turns out okay. If you end this with Zoey visiting Charlie in the pen, I will be so upset. D:

Anyway, the way this was ended was nice, but I wish it could have been a bit longer. Not just because you had a great scene going on, but it just seemed to me like where it left off could have been stretched on a bit more. But I don't know, maybe that's just me.

I don't think I've gotten the chance to point out how odd Zoey's character seems to me. When I develop a mental picture I imagine a pretty, petite little blonde who's kind of quirky and skittish, but it suits her look. Her OCD is what has me. I think by giving her some kind of odd trait like that makes her seem like she's a nice fit for Charlie. Almost like it's that much more apparent they each have their own flaws, but they can also complement each nicely because of it. And the way Charlie is kind of damaged but just so sweet and mindful of others makes you feel sorry for him in this un-obvious and subtle way. I don't think I could have been as brilliant in molding such a unique and personable character like him. He's like a wounded puppy, I love it. <3

Also, one quick thing, 'cause I know this is getting to be a little long, I love Luke's character. He's the overgrown child! My goodness, it's awesome. x) I wish more stories I read had characters like him. I feel like that's the kind of person in real life I'd love to have around as a brother. He's not really mean, but he teases. And the way he's over protective over Zoey is quite sweet I think. It makes the reader feel like she's not so alone despite having her two parents. There's still that someone else. And. He names. His car. I think this story has completed me. I've always wanted an Aston Martin and to name him Casanova. My sister also named her car. It was a black Honda called Night Rider. And her friend named hers, too. It was a white SUV named Phantom. So pfft, obviously Luke is one of us.

One nitpick I had here:

They were all childhood photos of Charlie and Will, along with other people, most of which I didn’t know.

I think it would make more sense to say "all of which I didn't know", considering she isn't acquainted with anyone who knows Charlie other than Austin. Unless he's in the pictures. Which would be cute.

Well, I'm glad you still have more parts to add to this. I'll be looking forward to future chapters and a.. *cough* happy ending.. *cough, cough* Nice job again! And try posting on Charlie's tumblr more often. I like reading what he has there. And it's helping me to get a feel for my own character tumblr for my new novel.

-Smylin'

Oh, and p.s,
I was wondering about Charlie and his cutting. Is he? Cutting I mean. Just had to ask, since that previous part with the glass and all. It seems like it was sort of hinted at in this chapter again, and when Will had grabbed his arm at Zoey's.

Hai.

I know you're going to ask me to review this sometime or other so I might as well get it over with. I'm smart, see?

This novel is driving me crazy. This chapter is not exciting enough for me as you see I'm waiting for a big row or something with Zoey and of course I can't forget the part when someone else comes down with a fatal illness. Because the novel is starting to depress me I'm coming up with more depressing thoughts then usual. You see what you do to me SKINS? DO YOU SEE IT NOW?

To begin with, I'm going to make you feel like a perv. Because I'm cool like that.

I moved a little closer to him and suddenly felt something hard and lumpy underneath me. My gaze lowered to see that part of my leg was on the gravel, and not on Charlie's hoodie.

DIRTY GIRL SKINS, WRITING HORRID STUFF LIKE THAT. Emm... awkward. I'd change that though, really. It's slightly umm.. how would you say; Out of place? It seems exactly as I said up there. Pervish and dirty. PERVISH I TELL YOU.

*I have a really strong feeling that this review will be a little less then helpful*

Your introduction was about as stiff as a plank. There was no real umph to get us involved and I kind of skimmed over the first half of it. There was too much circling around Zoey and her OCD. *that is what she has isn't it?* We know about Zoey, we read about her OCD often enough so I feel starting of another chapter emphasizing it again is a bit too much. Plus, even if you did want to start with Zoey and her OCD then I would suggest you don't go on about it so long. I mean, without being too harsh here, what was the need for going on so long about tidying her mum's office? It#s hardly that exciting is it? Anyway, that's a really tiny nit-pick but it caught my eye. I switched off in the first couple of minutes reading which is a shame because that's never happened before. Maybe, it's because I've read all of stop and stare, well all that's posted at the moment. Make sure you don't over-do subjects though, it's important to keep us fed on new information otherwise we'll get a tad bored.

One other thing, the conversation about Charlie being abused. Where did that come out of? It was rather sudden no? Again this is a rather corny thing to point out but it bugged me that it seemed to blossom into something from nothing, if that makes sense. It felt like it was sort of planned you know? It wasn't a natural ocnversation to bring up while cleaning an office but again, that doesn't really make much sense either. (I told you this wasn't going to be helpful) Would you consider maybe moving that line of conversation into another paragraph to make it more realistic? That way you have a break between the two different slots and it makes it easier to read and understand. Also, you could be taking about Charlie on a different subject like, Zoey could be telling her mum that she's meeting up with him later and then that sparks the conversation about the abuse between them. Or whatever you think fits.

I'm inlove with Luke by the way. I haven't read about him before or have I just forgotten? Anyway, he's a really slick guy and I want him to be my brother. Or husband, watever works. He's so sweet with Zoey but yet, you didn't blantantly make it look like that. Even the way he was a messy truck and the way he plays with toys at what? Seventeen? It's really nice and the cheekiness of him is a quirky trait that we could use more of. I want a personal scene with him and Zoey sometime soon. When and if, Charlie tells Zoey about what's he's done, Zoey should go crazy and cry hysterically in her room. Then, Luke should come in and comfort her in a brother-ish way like he really cares not like I asked you to make him do that kay? I want to see something really deep between them so it enhances they're realtionship because I also get the feeling that some part of Zoey has lost her diary. Even though I can't remember if Zoey confided in Aimee or not, I think she's misses having someone to talk to. So maybe Luke and her can kindle the flame? I'm not sure but I think it's a good idea. What idea's of mine aren't good anyway?

Other then that I really got into the second part of this, I'm really getting into Austin's attitude. It's quite quirky and cheeky and it brings light into some weird situations, and he seems to have this way of making you feel like you're part of the whole situation when you're actually only reading it. You wrote it well and by this stage, I'm able to distinguish the different tones of each charachter by theay you write. And that my friend is quite the achievment.

Actually I'm looking forward to the next chapter so there no harm in posting so fast. I'm enjoying it anyway!
Your grammar has really improved since the last couple of posts so congratulations on that. You're doing well with wording and imagery, far much moreo then the late posts. I'm enjoying your writing style at the minute and right now, it's a good relaxing read. But, I want to know more. As someone said in the earlier reviews, maybe bring up Charlie's cutting again if he's still doing it. That woud spice it all back up again.

This isn't really helpful, I mainly just had a rant but I hope I helped in someway.

Good luck with everthing and keep it up.
Kagi xoxo

Heya Skinsy. I had to skip reviewing the previous chapter because I honestly could not come up with anything resembling a review. It was all just, like, gushy praise. Nothing constructive. So now I'm here to try and write something with a little more substance.

So first off, I love Zoey's OCD. Makes me feel less freakish, y'know? It's great for the humor of the story, as well as just ringing really true and giving her a serious quirk. I love when characters have something about them that's a little off, and Zoey is perfect in this regard. You've just infused her with so much realness that I could seriously imagine everything happening without thinking how exaggerated or movie-like the scene is.

When you mention the fact that Charlie may be beaten by his dad, I kind of had a moment of, "Oh yeah! I think I remember something like that happening before..." and I'm not sure how much of this is due to me not having read the beginning in a while. I think Charlie getting hit or something could use another mention a section or so before this, so that it's closer to the time when Sophie brings up the possibility, and that way the connection will be a little clearer to those of us with awful memories.

Which also reminds me, that when Zoey notices that Charlie's been wearing a lot of long-sleeved tops and such recently, I never thought much that he hadn't been wearing those kinds of clothes. I hope this makes sense...but see, I don't remember it being something you mentioned before, or if you had, it just didn't stick out to me. If there's any way this could be emphasized before, I think it could help make us readers feel like we know just what Zoey's talking about and we agree with her. Just my thoughts, though, and I'm not sure if that all makes sense. >.<

I think it's awfully sweet that Charlie opens up a bit and lets himself be vulnerable by letting Zoey take a look at his box and see pictures of his mom and such. Gah, he's the sort of kid I'd like to take care of and protect from pain and all (not in a creepy way, y'know).

All right, that's all I've got to say. Onto the next chapter!

~Hawk