Young Writers Society

El Piggo raced across the desert plains, the Los Fattos were chasing him into The Flu. "Why was this place called Flu?" El Piggo wondered. He had never thought about it until now. His piggy legs were getting tired, the unmerciful sun did not stop shooting him with its hot rays. El Piggo squealed as he tried to stop at the edge of the cliff. El Piggo hastily spun around on his piggy heels. The Los Fattos had stopped, they're hungry bellies growling ferociously. Piggo squealed again as the wolves began to circle him, trying to make the poor pig think that there was no way out.
Piggo knew there was a way out, and he back-flipped off the cliff. El Piggo squealed and squealed and the noise the pig made would be unbearable for you to hear. El Piggo sounded like his wife, La Pigga. But that has nothing to do with the story, so let's move on. Piggo dropped onto a hard, sandy ground. He heard some snorting and some squeals in fright. El Piggo groaned and got back up on his four, now sturdy pig feet. The pig looked around. Flu looked like such a horrible place. There were piglets and pig-mans and pig-octers, and they were all sick with the cold, or something even worse. The ground he had landed on had actually been a dead pig. Piggo, suddenly realizing that, scrambled off the poor pig. El Piggo approached a baby piglet and asked: "Is this The Flu?" The little piglet tried to scramble away, but the action-packed pig was too strong for her. The piglet's eyes grew wide and cute. She began stuttering in her sick-pig voice: "Y-yes, k-kind pig, S-sir. I am Pigletta, Piga for short." The piglett snorted into a white hanker-pig.



So the action-packed pig ran around with the stuttering piglet to tell everyone to leave with him. They all decided to use the pig-ladder to climb up. This was the ladder that the pig-octors had once used to come down to cure The Flu. El Piggo and his new band of pigs, now called Los Sickos, journeyed to a nearby pig city with lots of farmers and mud, La Vega. The sick pigs grew extremely piggish(that means happy in Pig-Latin(hee hee)) and began to talk to some pigs and began to roll in the mud. El Piggo visited his brother: El Piggiggo and told him about saving the poor, sick pigs. None of the pig-octors could cure the Los Sickos, so El Piggiggo decided to journey with them to De La Vega. El Piggo decided to stay behind and care for the nearly dead Pigletta.
El Piggo did not let anybody near the cute piglet. Whenever anybody tried to tell him: "Piggo, there's nothing a young pig can do to help such a sick piglett, put her out of her misery." Piggo would squeal and squeal. If that pig would not leave, he would be sure to kick them in the pig-belly. He would swiftly raise his pig-leg and make a mark in the pig's pig-belly. Basically, if you told El Piggo to put someone out of their misery, he would put YOU out of your misery. One time, a pig-octor told El Piggo to take his pig-needle and put her into a coma, but Piggo sent that pig out of the pig-hut. That pig-octor had apparently been sick with the Flu himself and somehow flew(Woo hoo! Pigs can fly!!) all the way to the U.S.A. or, Pig States of Pigerica.(Yes, I base this on Chuck Norris.) That's how swine flue started in Pigerica, and Pigexico, and all the other Pig lands.

The End.

That was...surreal to say the least. I like the idea you are going for. This may be bollocks to you, but it reminds me so much of Animal Farm. I found it satirical, and very funny. It is very blunt- was this what you were going for? If it was all for a joke, then I feel it is much more than that. I think it has the potential to be developed not just as a short story for a contest, but an actual novel. Keep it up- you have got me interested.

Haha! I love the author commentary. I wish you had more of it and that you didn't hide it away. It was really one of the funniest parts of the story, since you seemed to admit that this story wasn't serious, but that you weer just having fun with it. Some nice stuff!

Now, a couple of nit-picks. First of all, I noticed some grammatical errors that made me twitch (they're instead of their, for instance) so you'll definitely want to review that and fix everything that you can find!

Also, the pig-octors? I had no idea that this was your way of saying pig doctors at first, so I was really confused! So you might want to fix that a bit. Even hog-octers might have been better, because it sounds more like doctors. Also, there are more words that say "pig" than just pig or swine, so it would have been nice to see more variety there. But that's just nitpicky stuf!

The dead pig that he fell on made me look like this:

Also, I think it might have been neat if you could have personified the Flu more. It would have been awesome!

Anyway, nice stuff! Next time, don't be afraid to integrate your commentary in the story without using spoilers.

Hahaha! I enjoyed reading this funny story! It made me giggle.
I especially loved the author's commentary bits in this and I think it would've been better if you actually included all of it, not necessarily in parantheses. It was a fun read.
The one thing I didn't like was that the entire story was peppered with the word 'pig'. It was just short of an eye-sore. I liked pigoctor, but the pig latin bit left me a bit meh. (Nderstanduay?)
Anyway, besides that,

Piggo dropped onto a hard, sandy ground.

Woo hoo! Pigs can fly!

Yay for flying pigs? But not all pigs can fly, eh? Also; with respect to the first quote, he falls down unscathed? Maybe have him bleed? Even with all that pig blubber supporting him, he would've gotten hurt, ja? Because the scene of him falling is a (nicely) dramatic one, that should land with a dramatic fall!

Also; on the starting. I think it would be a lot more effective if you started with the fall! Make it more dramatic! And then, as he's falling tell us how he came to be there. Should make thing more interesting for the reader that way.

Keep writing!
~Lava

I have to agree with Snoink, the author commentary was really great and added another level of humour to the piece! I too would have liked to see more of that and for them to have been in bold or something instead of the spoilers. Spoiler tags just makes them difficult to read!

Piggo knew there was a way out, and he back-flipped off the cliff.

Okay, first for you I have a quick lesson in dramatics! You should start this paragraph with a but. Normally that's against the rules but rules are there to be broken and it's the best way to build suspense, as is repetition. I see you've already made good use of the repetition though. So what I suggest is that this become: "But there was a way out. Yes, El Piggo knew the way, and he back-flipped off the tippy top of the cliff." Lengthening the sentence adds a little more suspense so that your readers are screaming to know what the way out is before you finally tell them

Also, you should describe Flu more! I was confused when they got the ladder because I'd half forgotten by then that El Piggo fell off the cliff. I think you should make a bigger deal of them wondering how they're going to get out and how they're going to scale the walls, just to remind us that it's a long way back up.

I've not really much else to say other than that the ending was perhaps a little abrupt. But I liked this! Very funny and entertaining and I think my favourite read of yours so far. Perhaps you should write some more comedies?

Well see you around!

Heather xxx

I AGREE with the first review's comment that it has potential and is very funny.
I must admit, not taking a serious tone to this SS was a relief to say the least.
Lastly, you find yourself liking this text, even though you know you shouldn't... its really confusing.

Dear Kat (can I call you that),

You story was cool! You should keep up the cool work! I have no idea how you thought of it, though. I haven't exactly seen the competition yet. Could you tell me what it is about? Thanks.

THE PART I LIKED ABOUT THIS STORY: Almost everything! Flying pigs, Pig-exico, who wouldn't like this really pig-astic world!

I liked the fact that you changed the name of the countries that are real to, the pig-world. Keep up the cool work.

This place called Flu.

This made me laugh so much! Ha ha ha ha ha! It still does.

THE PART THAT I DID NOT LIKE TOO MUCH ABOUT THIS STORY: You forgot to answer one very large question. What happens in the end? Does Pigletta die? You said that she got Swine Flu, didn't you? Well, does she?

I think that you should make a sequel for this. Have you already?

I loved this story (as you can obviously seen on top). I hope you right more stories of this type.

I hope this review has helped in some way!

Regards,
Nova

P.S. I have been reviewing like crazy for review day. Which team are you in? I am in 'Team Red (Charmanders!)'. We are winning on 'The Shamrockers' . . . GO TEAM RED!