Young Writers Society

Okay, this is my first time writing any romance. Please be brutally honest. Also, I need advice. This story is written in third person point of view, but I want to alternate between the viewpoints of the two characters. How should I seperate them? Thanks

Noor walked into her classroom, keeping her gaze lowered. She made her way to her seat in the back corner next to the window and looked quickly at her classmates. He was late today. She placed her books and pencil case on the desk, ready for the first lesson and settled in to wait for the bell to ring. “Your eyes staring back at me, my heart starts to skip a beat,” she sang softly to herself, adjusting her white scarf.
Someone cleared their throat, and she closed her eyes again, preparing for the onslaught. “Look at Miss Sheikha, not showing even a strand of hair!”
The whole class turned to look at her and she felt her skin prickle and crawl with embarrassment. “I’m following my religion.”
“I’m following my religion,” mimicked another girl. That particularly stung, coming from Warda Hussein. Noor looked at her, all five foot six inches of figure eight perfection. Those were the kind of girls he liked. The kind of girls who could model for Victoria’s Secret. The kind of girls who turned heads simply because of their beautiful faces. The kind of girls who looked good even if they were wearing school uniform.
Noor’s heart sank and she looked away. How many times had she told herself this? He would never think to look at her, short, skinny, middle-class thing. The only thing she had going for her was her hair. And maybe her eyes. And that was it.
* * *
Ahmed walked into his classroom; shirt untucked and ran his fingers through his hair purposely. Warda said she liked his hair messed up. He waggled his eyebrows at her as he passed her desk and she smiled coyly. “How was your weekend, love?”
“Awesome…I went to that party at Wild Waters yesterday, it went on till like five in the morning…I’m exhausted. How come you didn’t go?”
“Ugh…my mom thinks I go out too much. She says it’s not ‘decent’.”
No, it’s definitely not, he thought, but didn’t dare say that out loud. The bell rang.
“What do we have first?”
“History…did you do that shit assignment?”
He raised an eyebrow. “Since when do I ever do homework?”
She winked. “We’ve got much better things to do, right?”
Their history teacher walked into the room. “Good morning class.”
He walked lazily to his place and sat down.
“Good morning, Sir,” echoed the rest of the class.
“I trust you all had a good weekend?”
“Yes, Sir.”
He cradled his head in his hands. Good weekend alright.
The teacher turned to the whiteboard. “Okay, good. Today we’ll be looking closely at…”
The class geek raised his hand. “Sir, the assignment…?”
Everyone groaned and turned to face him angrily. “Jay!”
He shrunk back in his seat, wishing he hadn’t spoken. Ahmed threw him a glare. “Nerd.”
* * *
Noor winced as Jay stared determinedly at the floor. Her heart went out to the pimply, lanky, bespectacled teenager. He was the smartest kid in their year but as far as popularity went…
“Hey, Jay,” she whispered as one of her classmates walked around collecting the assignments. “Don’t worry about it. It’s your final year here.”
He looked at her and smiled weakly. “Yeah, I guess.”
“How’s Amrita? Enjoying uni?”
“She’s great…she says it’s really hard. I’m kind of nervous, especially since I’m going to be studying Aviation.”
Noor smiled encouragingly. “You’re a genius Jay. You’ll be just fine.”
“Silence please,” said their History teacher. “So, today we’re going to discuss the subject of your assignment. Someone briefly summarize what we were looking at.”
Noor threw a glance in his direction. After all these years, after all this time, he was still the most goodlooking guy she had ever seen. He still made her heart jump just a little whenever she looked at him. Since Grade six. How long was this impossible crush going to continue? She looked down at her notes, bringing her attention back to the present.

Hey! Price...

So your story has a lot of potential going on, great background by-the-way. I follow Islam and I know exactly what your M.C. going through, we don't have to wear burkha or to quote you scarf but I can totally relate to it. I like your M.C. a lot though, she's waiting to break free from the stereotypical image she's being given and to do just what she wants. I can't exactly get the thing that if your writing from experience or you've seen or known someone who's you know like your M.C. anyway I like how you've described her and I know how people can be brutal.

So, this was my opinion about the overall plot now let's concentrate about grammar and all...

Priceless wrote:
The only thing she had going for her was her hair. And maybe her eyes. And that was it.

In this sentence, the flow is getting interrupted by the full-stops you've put before every 'and'. You should change it, put it differently or something.

The only thing she had going for her was her hair, maybe her eyes. And that was it.

Something like this maybe.

Priceless wrote:
He waggled his eyebrows at her as he passed her desk and she smiled coyly.

How do you waggle your eyebrows at someone? And if you can, why would you?
That sentence is totally something you should remove or change or just do something about it...

Priceless wrote:
Mr. Perfect threw him a glare.

Here I assume you're talking about the M.C. crush(you should definitely give a name to him in the next chapter) and he's referred to as 'Mr. Perfect' by Jay (even sarcastically), I think maybe you should put it in italics 'cause your stating a characters thoughts.

So other than some small problems I like your story all-in-all. Hope my critique and comments help you.

Great work and keep writing...

-rooh-

Hey!

Sorry forgot to mention this before, but here it is-
You don't have to break the chapter in each different scene 'cause it's a third person account and that third person is seeing this as a whole you know and not in different parts. So, you should just maybe put it all in one scene in a classroom an maybe give some more details about the surrounding, it'll help you story a lot.

-rooh-

Before I type anything, I'll mention that I do not know much about the conventions of romance as a genre.

Aside from that, the premise is an interesting one - it's certainly not overused one. The opportunity to explore subtexts of cultural prejudices alongside the romantic struggles that form the drama in the text is valuable.

I enjoyed Noor's perspective in the narrative, but the dialogue seemed a bit dull in Ahmed's perspective (whether that is intentional or not I don't know). Try, here or there, adding chunks of descriptive lines to fill in the gaps between exchanges in a dialogue.

The class geek raised his hand. “Sir, the assignment…?”

Everyone groaned and turned to face him angrily. “Jay!”

He shrunk back in his seat, wishing he hadn’t spoken. Ahmed threw him a glare. “Nerd.”

Throwing the "class geek" at the reader (though i understand it is from Ahmed's somewhat "ignorant teen male" perspective) is a little too forward. This is an example of where writers should show rather than tell.

So one alteration you could make is:

A hand shot upwards.

"Jay," Mr. Smith turned from the writing on the board, gazing back at the eager student, whose bespectacled face was marked with genuine concern.

"Sir... the assignment?" Jay's query was met with a collective groan. Students turned to glare at him, as he shrunk in his chair and stared down at the floor.

Ahmed contributed with his own venomous remark, "Nerd."

Just one example of showing more so than telling.

Oh and one possible arrangement for your alternating perspectives is to assign a chapter to each character (like you've done in third person - or maybe use first person narration as this is a good way of gaining the empathy of the reader). Another idea is to make one perspective a journal entry that the protagonist (Noor? Ahmed?) is reading as they flash back to their own perspective at that same time (if that makes sense). Just ideas I had.

Keep writing.
Thanks, J

I really liked your story. It's very good and I really liked the idea of a Islamic beauty and the Beast. I would review your work, but everyone else has already pointed out what I was going to say.
Can't wait to read more!
~Sky

Wow. As in, Wow


The story has just started, and now it wants me to come back for more. Cool.


I like it. Interesting. aw, poor geek. I know just how he feels.


Impressive! First time to write romance novels? Looks like you already have much experience in doing this. You exactly know how to bend the story. Awesome!




Continue this! Tell me when the next one is! Good luck!.

Hey Priceless,

Here for a critique as per your request.

Priceless wrote:Okay, this is my first time writing any romance. Please be brutally honest

Brutally honest? Really? No sugar coating? Okay.

I'm not sure what you want to do with this but considering you personally invited me to critique it, and the fact you request complete honesty, I will treat it as though you want to reach publication? or at least get it to a publishable level.

Let's begin.

Noor walked into her classroom, keeping her gaze lowered.

This isn't good. It's terrible in fact. The harshest publishing agents and script readers have already stopped reading, you've lost them. The first few words of a novel are the most important as far as I am concerned, especially for amateur writers, because you can't afford to write bland, flat prose and expect the readers to 'wait for something to happen'. I like it how you avoid the usual traps and dive into the scene, you don't bore me with scene setting or insist on building character first - which is great. But, straight of the bat you have a chance to catch us, we have unexpectedly walked into this tale, grab us by the collar and don't let us go until we are sold.
So what would be better?

Noor walked into her classroom, eyes averted.

Noor entered, paced to her desk, avoiding the glares and sniggering.

Noor marched through the aisle of desks and clumsily fell into a seat at the back of the class.

Noor wasn't one for attention, so as she entered the class she did her best to be ignored.

Noor had a happy life, until she entered Mrs. Cooney's maths class.

She didn't care much for english, or any other subject at school.

Hell, I don't know. You see my point though? Every word in that intro needs to contribute to the scene, build character, grab a bit of attention. You can write simple sentences that are charged with character and scene. It's no info dumping its just a matter of inviting the reader to stick around, see what is happening, same goes for the second sentence. Very flat.

When writing get used to spending a lot of time rewriting intros.

She made her way to her seat in the back corner next to the window and looked quickly at her classmates.

It is better than the first, don't get me wrong, but still not great - most of this information could be entwined in the first sentence. I would encourage you to start the story here and scrap the first line.

He was late today.

Now this is a first line! Brilliant.

“Your eyes staring back at me, my heart starts to skip a beat,” she sang softly to herself, adjusting her white scarf.

Does she sing casually in class? If so I am going to assume she is probably confident, and I hope that stays consistent (which it doesn't). If not make her hum the tune slyly, or better yet rock her head and mouth the words perhaps?

Someone cleared their throat, and she closed her eyes again, preparing for the onslaught. “Look at Miss Sheikha, not even showing even a strand of hair!”

maybe lose the exclamation point (use these sparingly) and simply put 'strand' in italics. The reader will understand.

That particularly stung, coming from Warda Hussein.

No it didn't, 'cause if it did we would see how her eyes suddenly watered, or her cheeks were blazing, or how she threw Warda a piercing spiteful gaze? My point is, you can tell us how badly it stung and I guess we will take your word for it, or you can [i]show us how badly it stung.

Noor looked at her, all five foot six inches of figure eight perfection.

As above. Show us perfection or alternatively if she isn't perfect but that is how Noor sees her, then italicize 'perfection' so we know it's her thoughts.

The kind of girls who turned heads simply because of their beautiful faces. The kind of girls who looked good even if they were wearing school uniform.

You use far too much of my precious time reading about how perfect this other girl is. I mean I am starting to bore about now, keep it fresh and keep the pace up. Use one succinct line to tell us how beautiful she is.

'The kind of girls who looked good even if they were wearing school uniform.' - This is the best description of the lot so use this and scrap the filler.

The only thing she had going for her was her hair. And maybe her eyes. And that was it.

This falls awkwardly. I might be because you chose to use three sentences when really it is one. Or it might be the fact she is so self concious and embarrassed yet she can acknowledge what she has 'going for' her. I don't know change it though.

Ahmed walked into his classroom; shirt untucked and ran his fingers through his hair purposely. Warda said she liked his hair messed up. He waggled his eyebrows at her as he passed her desk and she smiled coyly.

Purposely? I don't think this sounds right. Always run words through a define: search on google when you have any amount of doubt about what they mean. 'Purposefully' would ring a little better. You can also use this line to make him cool, which you have done to a degree and it's not bad writing here but you could simply find 'cool' or 'casual' in the thesaurus and experiment. Also waggled? what an unattractive word waggle is, I have never thought about it I s'pose. I would change this to raise? Waggle seems a little Austin Powersy to me.

No, it’s definitely not, he thought, but didn’t dare say that out loud. The bell rang.

This is a little jarring. You switch the narration and dive into his thoughts. Why? you can show us his disapproval, have him turn away from her and make a face perhaps? or have him just swallow hard and eye her curiously.

“History…did you do that shit assignment?”

Wow - dropping the 's' bomb, its fine but it doesn't seem natural here. Maybe swap 'shit' for 'damn'? I don't know, this piece of dialogue seems a little off to me. You can also do away with the ellipses and simply use a comma. Ellipses scream amateur, especially when used unnecessarily.

He raised an eyebrow. “Since when do I ever do homework?”
She winked. “We’ve got much better things to do, right?”

I almost cringed here. Is this how high school kids talk these days? Wowzah! This girl has got some confidence, and why aren't Ahmed's buddies giving him a hard time about how frank and open his girlfriend is? At least have her whisper that last line.

Their history teacher walked into the room. “Good morning class.”

I will address dialogue here because you have a lot of it in the next few lines that needs work. After you write a line of dialogue you should read it aloud to make sure it sound natural. You should also get into the habit of starting lines with dialogue instead of description then dialogue. So the line above would read something like:

"Good Morning class," Mr Nash called as he strolled across the front of the room.

We can assume he has entered the room here as well, that can be tacit, you don't need to say everything. If you use speech tags after dialogue your writing will have a much more consistent pace. It doesn't have to be sequential, I mean to say it doesn't have to be in order, action happens first then dialogue, but you can write, dialogue then action and it is fine.

He cradled his head in his hands. Good weekend alright.

Now we delve into the mind of the teacher? if you must cut between point of views like this at least italicize his thoughts. Or tag his thoughts eg,

"Good weekend alright, Mr Nash thought"

The teacher turned to the whiteboard. “Okay, good. Today we’ll be looking closely at…”
The class geek raised his hand. “Sir, the assignment…?”
Everyone groaned and turned to face him angrily. “Jay!”
He shrunk back in his seat, wishing he hadn’t spoken. Ahmed threw him a glare. “Nerd.”

As I mentioned earlier, speech then action. And the class geek call is a bit harsh, now the narrator is against him. Show us his thick glasses and combed hair. We will be able to work out what he is like considering his dialogue.

He was the smartest kid in their year but as far as popularity went…

Remove ellipses. Also she harps on about him hear but she doesn't really talk about feelings. Drive home her sympathy a bit more. Make us care about them, both of them.

“Hey, Jay,” she whispered as one of her classmates Salem walked around collecting the assignments. “Don’t worry about it. It’s your final year here.”

Put someone in here, it's much better than one of her class mates because we can atleast get a bit more of a picture of the room. If you put a guys name we know its a guy etc. and it will be more succinct. hmm, actually, on second thought maybe leave it, or take it out altogether it just seems irrelevant and doesn't fit here.

Noor threw a glance in his direction. After all these years, after all this time, he was still the most goodlooking guy she had ever seen. He still made her heart jump just a little whenever he glanced her wayshe looked at him. Since Grade six.How long was this impossible crush going to continuewould she feel this way for? Another ten years? She looked down at her notes, bringing her attention back to the present and shook her head, not only to abandon her lust, but to pull her from her daydream.

Let me start by saying there is potential here. It's a unique setting which is uncommon on YWS, let's face it the story is not, by any stretch of the imagination, original. I have seen, heard and read this tale a thousand times, we all know how it ends. But that is beside the point because if you can get the writing on its feet and if you can have original characters in a unique setting the story can take its own form, it can fall away from the torrent of 'typical' boy meets girl romance. It's a tough genre to stand out in but you have done well, with all this considered.

You need the most work on dialogue. It is all pretty bad and not realistic at all. You also need to show us all the little things that you tell us, if you can paint the scene the reader will be grateful and the story would be a little more hypnotic because if it was any longer I may have given up a lot earlier. I pushed through the way a 100metre sprinter does, if I had to run a marathon of this I wouldn't bother.

Iron out the creases and you will have your self a fine story. The highlight is definitely the characters. So keep it up and I will look out for the coming chapters.

JP

P.S - Hope that wasn't too brutal

Hey Priceless =)

This is a great start, very interesting! I think your portrayal of Noor, and all your characters, is realistic and I like all of them.

The Beauty and The Beast concept is deep and holds a lot of value to me, no matter how it’s used. So I’m excited to see your spin on the idea, so far, you’re doing awesomely.

As for critiques, everyone else pointed out exactly what I was thinking may need some tweaking. On the same token, the nit-picks were minor for me and didn't take away from your piece at all. I'm really excited to read the rest of your story! Let me know when you post them and I'll zip over happily. =)

~Ceely

Hi there!

This is a nice start to a romance novel, however I think it might be moving too quickly. I think you should wait a little while to introduce the relationship the popular girl and boy have together, all that flirting. I think in the first chapter it's really important to focus on how much your character likes him, and why, and if they've ever had any encounters with each other.

I think to spice things up you might want to add a flashback in here of some sort, displaying some scene where they talked for maybe a second or their arms brushed as they walked past each other, something like that. If you do that, then we'll definitely be more interested. Right now it's pretty much just a bunch of teenage stuff going on that we all already see in our daily lives.

It's very important in the first chapter of a novel to give us some sort of hint to what the entire novel is going to be about. I like the hair thing. It's subtle and unique, and totally pertains to the race that your character belongs to (as much as I'm guessing from the names and the descriptions.) I think, however that you don't need to mention it a second time. This quote I don't think is necessary:

The only thing she had going for her was her hair. And maybe her eyes. And that was it.

You don't really need this because you emphasized the hair so much already, and you might want to save her eyes for another thing. Maybe have her not know her eyes are beautiful and this boy tell her so. I think that would be way more romantic, plus it would come as a surprise instead of you just telling us right of the bad. In a novel, it's important not to let too many things go when you're starting out, that way there's still more mystery towards the end.

I really liked this, and I'm going to read more when you post it! Feel free to drop by another request whenever you need one.

keep writing,

Classy

Hi there! I'm here to review, as requested.

Wow...this was really great! You started off great, introducing one of the flaws Noor sees in herself and then following it up with someone else confirming it. You developed your main character very well, giving us all the information we needed to know about her at this time. I would like to know a little bit more about Jay, though (unless I missed the description, which is entirely possible). What does he look like? Does he play sports? Who does he hang out with?

Here are a couple corrections I have. They're in bold:

Noor walked into her classroom, keeping her gaze lowered low.

It sounded a awkward for you to say 'lowered' there.

...look at her: short, skinny, middle class.[/b]

Since this was more of a description, I feel like it makes more sense to use a colon here. It makes it more of a list of character traits. I personally think it sounds better this way.

Overall this is a great start. I will most definitely be following this novel. Keep writing!

Hey Priceless,

A while ago you requested a review for this piece on my WRFF thread and because I got caught up in a swarm of pressures I have been as of yet unable to give you your review. Here is my belated review, and I very much hope that it makes up in quality for my tardiness. Please forgive me if I repeat anything said above, but I have not read any of your previous reviews.

I am a twenty year old guy, and have no interest in reading the genre you are writing. That said, I do know about literature, I do know about tension and conflict, and I do know about what makes a good and compelling overall story. Make of that what you will when reading and evaluating my review.

What I like about you, is that despite your youth, you don't really write pretentiously. You know the words you use and you don't try to be overly descriptive or impressive. That in and of itself is admirable.

Nevertheless, your story is littered with fanciful, unrealistic contrast that allows only for blacks and whites in your characters and stories. I will explain what I mean by detailing some of the finer points required to invoke a level of conflict within your reader. I like to call these finer points shades of grey.

As any observant reader will understand, conflict can only exist when the lines between what is right and what is wrong, who is bad and who is good, where is safe and where is dangerous, are blurred. When the reader can immediately see who the good guys are and who the bad guys are and the level of mystery is gone, it becomes very difficult to maintain a level of intrigue. More importantly, perhaps, it becomes difficult for any thoughtful reader to take you seriously because the world is not painted in black and white. Different people have different compositions in reality, and when you fail to portray this serious issues become trivialized.

In your story, you begin to jeopardize your credibility from the first paragraph. You overly romanticize your character by having her sing those words, removing her from the realm of reality into fairytale. That is perhaps a life that a teenager might dream about, but would never live. You are letting your daydreams control your imagination.

The second paragraph makes matters worse by introducing a bunch of the girls overtly mock Noor for her conservatism. They are painted a shocking black that serves to further contrast Noor to a ever so clean snow white hue. I am not going to detail the chronicles of the polarization between good and bad that you have written in your story, as you can do that yourself.

Every character, you should remember, wants to do the right thing in a given scenario. It is Freud's model of the Id, Ego, and Superego, that should govern all of your characters actions. What does your character's moral sense say? What pressures exist to challenge this morality? How does the character deal with balancing his morals and desires? It is very important to underline these struggles when you have a character making a decision. If there are no struggles, there is no character conflict.

Then there is the second point I want to raise. You want to give your work flavor. Why should I read your teenage romance over Twilight? Over Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen's books? Over the more literary and plot driven Hunger Games? You need to begin by highlighting a stake. You cannot waste time on any scenes or pieces that aren't essential to your narrative. To become unique, you need to find your story and immediately show why it is special. When you do need to tell us something integrate it into an action packed or at least gripping scene.

You told me three things in the chapter. Noor likes a geek. Noor is bullied by the cool kids. Noor is conservative. But you told them to me. Each of these were splashed over the page, but none was explored. If you want to show how she likes the geek have a scene where everyone bullies the geek and she stands up for him, or feels guilty for not standing up for him and really flesh it out. Narration, and real character interaction . Do the same for Noor's being bullied and conservatism.

You want to find the stories and scenes that allow you to show your story to the reader in a way that is interesting and different to the generic same old same old. You need to start getting creative and having fun when you write by becoming adventurous enough to make your story your own.

In order to best develop these skills, you need to become a careful reader. I suggest stopping to read any fanfiction if you do already. It hurts your writing. If you don't, get some literature. I suggest Jane Austen if you want Romance. Pride and Prejudice is a masterpiece and really teaches you how to deal with characters. It's in the public domain and you can get it legally online for free. I suggest reading it slowly and out loud to yourself, rereading any pieces that you especially like or dislike. Revel in the prose and in the characters. You need to feel the writing wash around you if you want to absorb what you can from it.

I really hope this review helps, and I wish you the best of luck. You kind of remind me of my first novel when I read this. You've got promise, but it's still a long road ahead.

Have a great one!
Yoda

Hey Priceless!
I totally forgot about this existing. I said I'd have a look at it... and gosh, you have such long and thorough reviews I won't have any points to say!

Anyway... The Good

1. I so did not like this because he's got the same name as me. Yeah. And I didn't like this either because I know what Warda and Noor mean (I like the name choice btw)

2. Gosh, I really liked the first bit! As JP said, the first sentence wasn't great but the first little section... I dunno but I really liked it! Apart from Christian Fiction, I haven't ever heard of any religious fiction. I like how Noor seems made fun of for 'following her religion'.

That particularly stung, coming from Warda Hussein. Noor looked at her, all five foot six inches of figure eight perfection. Those were the kind of girls he liked. The kind of girls who could model for Victoria’s Secret. The kind of girls who turned heads simply because of their beautiful faces. The kind of girls who looked good even if they were wearing school uniform.

I really liked this bit as well. The Point of view is very interesting as it's in 3rd person and quite close too. I like how you've described this bit because it makes Noor feel very small and that she simply ain't good enough.

3.

Noor winced as Jay stared determinedly at the floor. Her heart went out to the pimply, lanky, bespectacled teenager. He was the smartest kid in their year but as far as popularity went…

“Hey, Jay,” she whispered as one of her classmates walked around collecting the assignments. “Don’t worry about it. It’s your final year here.”

He looked at her and smiled weakly. “Yeah, I guess.”

“How’s Amrita? Enjoying uni?”

“She’s great…she says it’s really hard. I’m kind of nervous, especially since I’m going to be studying Aviation.”

Noor smiled encouragingly. “You’re a genius Jay. You’ll be just fine.”

What lovely characterisation here! I LOVE the contrast between Noor and Ahmed here. It's great! Anyway, before I end up quoting the whole thing, let us move on to the more important bits...

The improvements
1. I felt this was a little bit short and as ... someone said (forgot their name), we need to be shown a little bit more. This is a unique setting because it's not very common and you should explore that as much as you can.

2. Characters - I'd like to know a bit more about Ahmed. I know that you're off working with them and improving them so you needn't worry about that. I do have a tip for you - interview your characters. Ask them questions, however basic, to them. Let them reply (and write down their answers). I don't mind asking your characters questions for you - just try and interview them about the whole thing and you'll learn more.

3. Finally (I usually miss it out myself), I felt like there could've been some useful description in places where characterisation could've been wove in. For example, what does Ahmed or Warda look like? We know they look good, but... Just little snippets of info of course We don't need very much, but just a little to help.

Overall
You've got a lot of potential here and can't wait to read more. I hope this is helped even though it's short. Do let me know when you post the next chapters

Anyway, it feels great to be reviewing. I haven't in a while and I feel so guilty.

Ahmad