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Cosmos (Outer Space) Part 1



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Mon Jul 11, 2011 4:51 am
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ZannaShepherd says...



I originally started this piece for the 'If it were a Story' contest, but It got so long I entered a different one, and I'm still working on this one. The Story follows the song lyrics Cosmos (Outer Space) by TATU, that's why the lyrics section the story (or at least they do later on in the story.)


My heart pounded in my chest to an ever increasing beat. Everything was pitch black, but far from silent. Terrible roaring filled my ears, laced with panicked shrieking. The sound carried with it absolute terror and chaos. Letting the noise wash over me, I realized that the loudest scream was my own. Fighting the overwhelming sense of panic that racked my very core, I tried feebly to grip my slipping sanity. Just as I felt that I had found a flicker of something akin to saneness, an immense jolt ran through my body, sending tremors of pain, like lightning running through my nerves, and star bursts behind my eyelids. I was dying; there was no other explanation for this pain I felt. I was in agony and nothing could save me.

“Momma?”

I bolted up right, scared to find I was still in darkness. My chest tightened as panic gripped me, but evaporated as my eyes slowly adjusted to the room, dimly illuminated from the soft light seeping in under the door. Letting my sweat soaked forehead rest in my palm, I tried to push away the recurring nightmare that constantly haunted my dreams.

Running my hand through my hair, I stared at the ceiling shrouded in darkness and as the whirling thoughts in my head slowed, I remembered the reason for my narrow escape from death.

“Bunny?” I glanced to my left and found a small figure shrouded in shadows standing next to the disheveled bed. “Baby, what’s wrong?” Reaching out, I pulled the small form into my arms and held her close, stroking her hair.

“I can’t sleep, Mommy, Oz is too noisy, he keeps coughing,” the little girl mumbled.

Snuggling against me, she let out a contented sigh. My heart constricted as Bunny mentioned her brother, but I relaxed as I looked to my right and found the normally occupied space beside me empty.

“Is Daddy with him?” I murmured, merely to confirm my theory. Bunny said nothing, but I felt her shake her head sleepily.

With the distraction of Bunny, my heart was finally able to slow, and bring my state of mind back to the present where I was able to focus on all the good that had come from the nightmare that was my past.

Inhaling, I slowly lay back down, and carefully rearranged my now sleeping daughter into a more comfortable position next to my side. Brushing her bangs out of her eyes, I let that moment of peace sink in, just reveling in the beauty of a sleeping child, my sleeping child. Taking that peace into me, I closed my eyes, and reluctantly I let my mind wander back to the time my life had ended, and truly begun.



“Key!” I looked up distractedly from the screen of my tech-pad, where I’d been doodling, to the banister where a young woman was leaning precariously over the edge. Her golden skin gleamed with sweat, and her bright yellow hair, the color of sunshine, was shoved into a messy pony tail where it proceeded to explode as it reached the end of its confining band. Her purple cat eyes were staring intently at me, a hopeful expression playing across her feral features.

“What now Pixie?”

“I need you to help me, it’ll only take a few minutes.”

I could tell by the pleading tone she used, that it probably wouldn’t take ‘only a few minutes’, and it was likely something I didn’t want to do. Most probably something that entailed getting covered from head to toe in some undesirable substance.

Oh well, it looked as if my one free day from school, that I’d planned to lay about drawing and being lazy, was no longer free; in the end there was no defying Pixie. She would make my life miserable unless I consented and it was better to just go while it was all fun and games, than kicking and screaming.

I stashed my tech-pad beside the couch and, picking myself up off of the floor from in front of the heat-generator, I stretched and faced Pixie.

“Ok, I’ll do it. As long as I can borrow some of your grungy clothes. They’re already ruined and I’m not inclined to lose another pair of mine to one of your projects.”

“Great! That’s everyone then,” Pixie crowed, pumping her fist into the air in triumph, “and, by the way, my clothes aren’t grungy, they’re just well loved,” she defended, pointing to the camo overalls that she was currently wearing and the large multi-colored splatters that covered them.

“Whatever.” I pushed past her on the stairs, and together we made our way towards the next floor to our rooms, and the end of my work free day.

“Perfect, now we can start.”

I pulled the lime green t-shirt over my head, and Pixie twirled me to face the oblong mirror that was propped up against a large unidentifiable hunk of metal, that she swore was a meteorite. I scrunched my face up and stuck my tongue out at the girl in the mirror, who obliged to return the gesture.

Eyes identical to Pixie’s stared back at me, and my hot pink hair was a mess that I’d half heartedly shoved into a clip. Even so, it did little to contain the massive amount of pink locks and my hair cascaded down my back. I blew my bangs out of my eyes, the purple streaks in them fading, and looked skeptically at the watermelon colored jumpsuit she’d put me in. The top part hung loosely around my waist, and the ugly green shirt accented it poorly.

Now not only was I having to work on my day off, I was a walking fashion disaster.

“Let’s just get this over with,” I moaned, turning to Pixie.

“Don’t worry, the boys are helping too, so it won’t take very long at all,” she informed me cheerfully as we headed for the door.

And just like I’d expected, her ‘little project’ took anything but a few minutes.

Wiping my grease covered hands on my now soiled jumpsuit; I pushed my bangs out of my eyes and glared mutinously at the piece of metal that had ruined my day. I had spent the last 6 hours sweating in Pixie’s make-shift garage that she called the ‘Fix it room’. As it turned out, her project was to revive this eyesore that used to be a hover craft, to its former glory. She had saved it from the junk yard and, even to my untrained eye, I could tell she was getting somewhere with it.

Geez, why couldn’t she just be a normal girl, with normal hobbies like me. Instead she had to be a rebellious tomboy, and have all these insanely messy interests, that were always more than a one person job.

I mean I wasn’t prissy or anything, I didn’t mind getting my hands dirty once in a while, and I could hold my own, but still, this happened all the time, and it just wasn’t my cup of tea.

“Key, can you pass me that thing next to your foot?” a muffled voice emanated from underneath the hover craft. Looking at my feet I found a number of tools, and randomly selected one.

“This thing?” I got on my knees and laid flat on my stomach, holding the tool out.

“No, the v shaped one.”

I returned the tool to the ground and, scanning the other objects, searched around until I found something that could have resembled a v. Grabbing it, I slid under the hover craft and joined the other occupant.

“Here you go.”

“Thanks, Key.” He turned to grab the tool, and I laughed as I took in the figure before me. His tan skin was covered in sweat and grease, the muscles in his arms obvious as he strained to reach the tool. Dark purple hair stuck out in every direction, filled with the same substance that layered him and his coveralls. But the thing that made me laugh were the large black goggles that covered his eyes, completing his untidy appearance and making him look like some sort of mad scientist.

“You look absolutely ridiculous Who.”

“Safety first, Princess, features second,” he grinned; “besides with my great physique, anything I wear comes off as total fab.”

I returned the grin and rolled my eyes at him for good measure; he was so full of himself.

“And about safety, if you don’t want to dawn a pair of this pretties, you should leave before you lose your eyes.” I wasn’t inclined to take up his offer anytime soon, so, scooting out from underneath the machine, I made myself scarce.

I shivered in pleasure as the warm water ran over my filthy skin, taking with it the grime and relieving some of the ache’s I’d acquired from my exhausting day. Pixie’s project had been put on hold, as she needed some more parts to finish up, and I groaned inwardly at the thought of the arrival date, and another already ruined day off.

A loud knock on the door, followed by a muffled voice, broke me from my contemplation. “Key, hurry up, Lion will be back any minute and we need to have dinner ready, stat.”

Man, I couldn’t even enjoy a nice shower before being interrupted and sent to work again.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be out in a minute, just start something and I’ll finish it when I get there,” I shouted back. Procuring my loofa and soap, I got to work and full heartedly took out my frustrations and vengeance on the dirt.

Idly I pushed the mashed potatoes on my plate around. I didn’t have much of an appetite after my shower, and I just wanted to go to bed. I gave up and pushed my food aside. Looking up from my still full plate, I envied the scene before me, as my three companions dug into their mashed potatoes and steak with zeal. Pixie sat next to me with Who across from her, where they seemed to be participating in some sort of unannounced eating contest, as their purple eyes never left each others and the food on their plates disappeared with incredible speed.

Across from me sat the fourth and final occupant of the room. Chess. He, like Who, had sun tanned skin from his many hours spent romping around outside, that was riddled with the hint of strong muscles beneath. But, unlike Who, his neon green hair was somewhat shorter, though just as messy. A lock of his bangs he kept longer than the rest, wrapped tightly in a leather thong, with a purple jewel hanging from the end. A purple jewel that matched the color of his eyes. Our eyes. The one outward appearance that marked us all as different, as loners, never to be truly accepted by anyone other than each other.

As if sensing my lingering gaze, Chess looked up from his diminished pile of food. His eyes met mine, and he gave me a half smile to acknowledge my presence, and then returned to his task at hand.

I looked away, and glanced over at the head of the table where the last chair remained pulled up with an empty plate set before it. Once again Lion was late.


I'll Post the next section, once I get some feed back. :D
Last edited by ZannaShepherd on Tue Jul 19, 2011 6:20 pm, edited 3 times in total.
In order to write about life, first you must live it!

Ernest Hemingway

Hmm, must be why I only write fantasy, that's the only life I've ever lived.
~Zanna
  





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Mon Jul 11, 2011 11:25 am
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Charlie II says...



I love the fact that, when reading this, I can't make any of my usual comments. It's nice to see a writer who has both control over her narrative and a great grasp of dialogue. Still, let's see if I can find three areas for you to focus on:

1. A recurring nightmare

You did a good job with the description here, and as first paragraphs go it wasn't bad. But, isn't it just a little bit clichéd to begin with a terrible nightmare that wakes the protagonist and hints of things to come? If I had picked the book up in a store then I would have put it down again -- this wouldn't have grabbed me, which really is a shame as the rest of the chapter is great stuff!

I liked the idea of her daughter waking her up though. That was really nice. Perhaps that could be your hook instead rather than the clichéd dream sequence? In fact the more I think about that, the better it seems! You should take a critical look at the opening paragraph and decide what you want to do with it. The first line is the most important, as you well know, and at the moment I don't feel that it lives up to the brilliance of the rest of the piece.

2. Description

I love "feral features", I really do! On the whole your description is very good and vivid, especially when it concerns the characters. Still I would like to see more of it. (Perhaps that's as much of a complement as it is a criticism!) Currently I can't picture the setting at all, and certain objects like the intriquing "tech pad" or "heat generator" remain shadowy and undefined. At the moment I'm imagining the "tech pad" to be like an iPad, but I have no way of telling if that's how you intend it. Like I said, the characters are nice and clear, but let's see if you can bring the rest of the scene into focus.

3. The mysterious eyes

The one outward appearance that marked us all as different, as loners, never to be truly accepted by anyone other than each other.

This line came at just the right moment: I was wondering where the story was going, what had brought this misfit bunch together, and then you throw that out there! Superb. But it could still be strengthened. There is an attempt at this when Pixie and Key are looking in the mirror, but it needs to be more obvious. I didn't really understand what was meant when I read it the first time, and I think that if it was clearer that would make it even better.

Also, don't be afraid to introduce more mystery / unanswered questions in your opening. It seems that you know how to set them up properly, so why not give the reader more to look forwards to? :wink:

Overall

Thank you for posting this. I did enjoy it, especially the gentle conflict that you introduce right at the beginning -- it is masterfully done. I also really appreciated the underlying humour! It makes your characters likeable, and if you can sustain this then I'm sure you have the potential for an engrossing story.

If you want to chat about the review / story / anything, then feel free to give me a PM! And would you mind PM'ing me anyway when you release the next part? I'd very much like to read it.

Charlie
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
-- Woody Allen
  





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Sun Jul 31, 2011 12:55 am
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joshuapaul says...



Hi there,
I will go over a few things you tend to do in your writing, that you may want to change. Then I will give you my overall impression.

Let us begin.

ZannaShepherd wrote:
My heart pounded in my chest to an ever increasing beat.


Not a bad start. Not great either. I don't like stories that start with a random observation like this. I think you can give us the feeling that your narrator is panicking and still incorporate other devices - Dialogue, scene setting, character, conflict.


Everything was pitch black, but far from silent. Terrible roaring filled my ears, laced with panicked shrieking. The sound carried with it absolute terror and chaos. Letting the noise wash over me, I realized that the loudest scream was my own. Fighting the overwhelming sense of panic that racked my very core, I tried feebly to grip my slipping sanity.


As I mentioned before these are all observations. It's still the intro, but at this point nothing sets this piece aside from so many others.

Just as I felt that I had found a flicker of something akin to saneness, an immense jolt ran through my body, sending tremors of pain, like lightning running through my nerves, and star bursts behind my eyelids.


This is painfully long and wordy. Break it up, and still this is all quite random. You are placing far too much weight on establishing your characters fear.

“Momma?”


The story would be much better if it started here in my opinion or have one brief introduction, lace it with fear or what have you, but also a bit more character. What's going on in your protagonists head, other than fear. Regret, patience, compromise?

I bolted up right, scared to find I was still in darkness. My chest tightened as panic gripped me, but evaporated as my eyes slowly adjusted to the room, dimly illuminated from the soft light seeping in under the door.


You can be more concise with this. We are about 500words (Okay maybe not that many but alot) into the story and nothing has really happened. I don't have much reason to continue. I don't mean to be harsh but your wasting alot of time and attention covering little extraneous sensations that don't contribute much and could be said with few words.

"I bolted up and stretched my arms out into the darkness, reaching out in a panic, for anything."

I don't mean to be harsh because your writing is good. It is just very wordy and at times convoluted. You need to learn to say things using fewer words. Here is another example.

Letting my sweat soaked forehead rest in my palm, I tried to push away the recurring nightmare that constantly haunted my dreams.


"The nightmares loomed, but, holding my wet face in my palms, I held them off."

Even that is too wordy for my taste but atleast I take away the things that the reader would assume anyway. EG, If your face is wet and you were just asleep, you probably weren't swimming. You see? I hope so.

Okay this carries on for a while in much the same fashion but you get the gist. I think the story is sound but it is so difficult to really care for it when you don't really give us a choice. What I mean is we are told what to see and think because your descriptions are so precise, that you don't allow us to use our imagination. Now the readers imagination is as important to address as the writers. Give us credit, we can meet you half way.

Anyway keep it up, give it a good edit and really try to get the prose flowing and I let me know. I will come back and give it another read.
JP

P.S. - I am not usually this callous but when I see a great piece like this I feel I owe it to the author to be honest!
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Tue Aug 02, 2011 6:14 pm
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Shearwater says...



Hi there! Pink here!

I'm pretty sure you asked me to review this somewhere, probably in my will review for food thread but I only barely got to this now. So, I'm sorry for my lateness but hey, hey, at least I'm present - no? :D

Alright, now on with the review! Before I say anything I just want you to know that I haven't reviewed anything in quite a long time now so I'm just a bit rusty - I'll see what I can do though. Hopefully I help. ^^

So firstly, let's start with your beginning, I thought it was a bit of a cliched opening. I find openings to novels to be quite important so I do my best to make them the best. I've seen countless beginners that either are a dream or a character running away from something. So it was bit like just another beginning for me.

However! You wrote the entire scene quite well and your descriptions were great, I did enjoy reading them since it all flowed and it wasn't choppy at all. In addition to that, like the person above me, I agreed that this chapter did get a bit wordy at times and made it slow down. You can have description if you want and all but don't drag it out and keep it light and to the point. Unnecessary words will clog your story - it's not much of problem with this one, don't worry too much about it.

Overall, I did enjoy the chapter and the way you worded your words and of course you nicely written description. For the characters, I don't have much to say since I don't exactly really know them just yet but they sound intriguing. Another complaint I have dealing with the characters would be the names in the beginning, bunny and pixie were odd names for people so yeah, I was bit confused with that part but nothing else really.

Great job with this chapter and sorry if this is a horrible review. xD
If you have any question then I'm just a quick PM away. ^^
All the best with the rest of this!

-Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 4:28 am
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StandStrong says...



I did find some typos, but I'm pretty sure people ahead of me caught them, so I'm not going to go there.

The Beginning

So the very first paragraph I didn't much like--I get that dreams are a jumbled mess, but I don't like have them come out as the opening unless they really make sense. Then we go down into the bit about Bunny and Oz, which I do get, but at the moment I'm not seeing why it is there. I assume you will play off the dream in the future?

“Bunny?” I glanced to my left and found a small figure shrouded in shadows standing next to the disheveled bed. “Baby, what’s wrong?” Reaching out, I pulled the small form into my arms and held her close, stroking her hair.


It took me a couple read-throughs to gather that the main character was the one saying "Bunny". I do find the children to be believable, as well as the mother's reactions and the father's.

The Almost-Beginning

I get that she woke from from a dream to reality, but I don't understand--are these really her kids, her family? If so, what's happened to them and why is she now living with all these other purple-eyed folks? I don't have any questions if I ignore the very beginning segment, but I can't piece together how they fit.

Ohhh, I re-read
Taking that peace into me, I closed my eyes, and reluctantly I let my mind wander back to the time my life had ended, and truly begun.
and that makes sense. Can you make it pop out more, drop it into a line of its own? You need to be careful to not make this a bookend. Bookends are unnecessary (scenes that only occur at the very beginning and very end), they add confusion and are best hacked off. But if the story blends into the intro at some time, we're golden.

The Middle

I like the way you define the characters and the way they live.

One typo I can't get out of my mind here:
Geez, why couldn’t she just be a normal girl, with normal hobbies like me. Instead she had to be a rebellious tomboy, and have all these insanely messy interests, that were always more than a one person job.

No comma behind girl, coma behind hobbies. No comma behind tomboy, and I don't like having that comma behind interests.....yes, I guess I'm a comma freak.

I really like your description of looking for a v-shaped tool. I have been there, and that is what it is like.

The End

I almost lost the section where she stopped working and got in the shower. Almost. If you had someone say that it was time to go, I would follow easier.

And I want to meet Lion now. ;)

Overall, I like it quite a lot. I needed to see a more obvious transition from the beginning, but other than that I am eager to read more.
Bob: hmm, there's a lesson in all this.
Mr. Eglamore: Okay. Let's hear it.
Bob: Never let sixty angry kids use a herd of laser cows to take over your house.

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Sun Aug 28, 2011 4:53 am
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Tatra says...



I liked this start, it really introduced the characters well and I'm interested in seeing how the nightmare connects to the other parts. I'm looking forward to seeing the character and the story unroll. :)

I really liked the foreshadowing that you set up in the beginning, although I do wish that there was some detail that was more specific than the others. Give me something to watch out for as I read the rest of the novel. As it is, it is a bit of a general nightmare and I have to confess that I halfway thought that your protagonist was a little girl... The call out to 'mama' didn't totally help with that and it took me a bit to realize that it was her own daughter calling out. So, those two a bit separate topics, but they kind of go together since they are the start of the novel.

Bunny said nothing, but I felt her shake her head sleepily.

A bit of a nitpick mixed with Critter's bias, but to my mind 'shaking' one's head means 'no' while 'nodding' one's head means 'yes.' Of course, as I said, this is a personal preference, so I'm just throwing that out there.

Taking that peace into me, I closed my eyes, and reluctantly I let my mind wander back to the time my life had ended, and truly begun.

I really do like how you transition to the flash back. Yet, after this part I do have to say that all of the other double enters get on my nerves. I see them as scene separators, but when they occur doesn't really look like new scenes with how it's all worded. They all seem to flow together.

The top part hung loosely around my waist, and the ugly green shirt accented it poorly.

Now not only was I having to work on my day off, I was a walking fashion disaster.

That one and
Pixie sat next to me with Who across from her, where they seemed to be participating in some sort of unannounced eating contest, as their purple eyes never left each others and the food on their plates disappeared with incredible speed.

Across from me sat the fourth and final occupant of the room.

This one just seem to fit as simply new paragraphs in the same scene. I'm not sure if this is just a formatting issue here or what, but I thought I would bring it up.

I mean, I wasn’t prissy or anything, I didn’t mind getting my hands dirty once in a while, and I could hold my own, but still, this happened all the time, and it just wasn’t my cup of tea.

A bit of a nitpick, but the bold comma is needed. Beyond that, you might want to take a look at this sentence and break it down into a couple of sentence. It's a bit of a run on sentence.

Once again Lion was late.

Nothing wrong with this sentence, but I'm not so sure about the ending to this chapter. It just sort of feels like it's not finished; it feels fragmented. It just doesn't seem like a good spot to end a chapter to me, but then, that's my opinion and it's just something that you might want to take a look at. If you just ended at that point to post on YWS, then forget about this bit of crit. :)

All in all, I think that you have a very interesting start to a story. I'm looking forward to seeing where it's going. There wasn't a lot that I felt should be pointed out and I think that this could be a great story.

Good luck with your writing.

- Tatra
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Some people fall in love and find Quicksand.

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Sat Oct 01, 2011 6:02 pm
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Tenyo says...



Hey Zanna!

My apologies, I don't mean to bump old works. I glimpsed over part ten of this story and decided I want to read the whole thing :)

I must say that this didn't grip me as much as jumping in at part ten, and I imagine if I had just started here I wouldn't want to read on so much. Key is a fantastic character, as is Pixie, but once the others appear it seems like there's just a bit too much introducing going on at once. It was hard to clearly picture the characters when there are so many shotgun intros at once.

Things I like:
The characters! They're all very unique and quirky. Their names are great too.
The narrative - everything seems to click together and flow effortlessly. It's easy to read and understand, and still interesting.
Did I mention the characters? :p

Overall: Great piece, I won't deny that. Just slow down a little. Give each of these wonderful characters their own spotlight - including Bunny.
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