Young Writers Society

If a mod would move this to Other Poetry, well, they would be my hero.



I think this is my worst poem, personally. But I am stupid. Give me honest feedback or I ASPLODE YOU FACE.

Mmkay?

I really like this! Like a lot! You seemed to capture the emotion and spacious thinking of most people. I normally don't try and review poems. Only because I don't understand them. To me, poetry is something that RHYMES. I learned growing up that poetry doesn't have to rhyme but I have this mental block that won't let me welcome non-rhyming poetry. Anyways enough of my poetic believes.

Things that I liked: I liked that each passage got to the point. You kept it sweet and to the point which is believable once the reader finds out what these messages or thoughts really are.

Things I didn't like: The only thing that I didn't like was the ending. I liked the reveal of what the messages were I just didn't like the sudden change in tone. It went from a serious and kind of thought provoking poem into a comedy. Maybe you did that for emotional balance? I just found it to sudden and distracting.

Really good work though! Over all I enjoyed it!

No way this is your worst poem, i can't imagine how good you're other stuff is. Honestly i really liked it. It was really fascinating. A little confusing at first because i was thinking you were trying to tie all these different ideas and thoughts and lives together, but everything came round at the end and it was really innovative. A poem by God, who'd a thunk? Seriously it was really good, don't doubt yourself like that!!

Hmmm. I have to disagree with your fan club and side with you on this one :p Maybe 'worst' is too harsh a word but yeah, it's not too good. I'll give you some constructive comments though and maybe that will help you out.

Let's take your title first. It's dull, it's ordinary and it just doesn't have that grab factor. People will quite often choose to read something or not based on the title and yours isn't doing you any favours. It doesn't particularly fit with this strange series of poems either. But then, I'm not sure what would. So this is hopefully going to be my only none backed up piece of advise but seriously, find a new title. You want something short and snappy or something that makes the reader think, makes the reader wonder.

Sometimes I wish it was the 90s again.
Think about it.
How rad would that be?
God, I miss the 90s... [So this one is pretty conversational and something I'd expect to hear in conversation. That's quite cool but would work better if you could combine it with a few poetic devices to make it flow better. Like, avoid using questions. They don't often suit the flow of poetry and are better left to prose. Instead, you could turn that third line to something like:
That would be so rad with
and then on your next couple of lines you could list a few things from the 90's and throw in some alliteration or plosives etc.]

-x-

On occasion I walk through the library.
I see hundreds of nonfiction books.
People poured their hearts into that book and no one will ever read it.
I find that sad. [Not sure if there's much worth keeping here. There's nothing interesting or thought provoking about this to be honest and it's also not true. None fiction books get rented out a lot. They have to be on shorter loans some places because they're so much in demand.]

-x-

She doesn't love me.
She loves him
It isn't fair. It should be me.
That other guy's a tool. [Again, not a very strong one. The first I could see you making into its own poem and it working quite well but not this one. It's been done too much.]

-x-

I killed her.
I nodded off driving.
My wife told me not to take that late shift, but I did.
And now I've killed a woman. [Interesting. This could work. It's a little lacking in emotion at the moment, but the thought is there at least.]

-x-

Daddy likes to hit me.
Afterwards, though, he's nice.
Mommy says it's the demon drink that does it.
Why does the demon in Daddy's drink make him hit us? [Done too much. If you're going to re-use an idea, you need to do it in a unique way with a strong tone and such.]

-x-

What am I doing in this town?
It's full of hicks and inbreds.
I hate them. I hate them all so so much.
I can't wait till I'm 18 and I can blow this popsicle stand, y'know? [The popsicle stand image is a pretty good one but the rest of this doesn't hold much interest for me.]

-x-

They said I wasn't an asset, but a liability.
They thanked me for twenty plus years of dedication to them.
Told me I would truly be missed, that I was like family.
How do I tell my wife I've got no job? [Not bad, this could be something if you expanded it and stuff. Show us what this leads to and all his feelings. Flesh it out.]

-x-

Taking these pictures never gets any easier.
They're always so violent, so bloody.
What could possess a man to do that to another man?
Why would you let that happen? [This might be pretty awesome if you follow a serial killer but through this persona and the photos he takes of the crim scene. Yes, I like this one, a good idea for a poem there. But once again, it doesn't work too well in the small installment. You're not giving yourself enough room to do anything.]

-x-

Help.
Help.
Help.
Help.
Help.
Help.
Help.
Help.
HELP [No. Just no.]

-x-

Dear Me, why did I tell them to pray about their problems?
That was stupid.
Constantly getting blasted with their problems is tiring.
Next time I'll tell them to just tough it out.
Sounds like a plan!

And the last one is a no for me as well. Okay so I'd advise you to start again with this and choose just one of those and flesh it out. You jump around too much and there's no linking factor and these snap shots aren't strong enough to stand on their own. So. Try again? I hope this helps somewhat!

Heather xxx

Well, I wouldn't call it a bad poem, but it sounds more of a commentary than a poem. The idea behind it was nice, but it really wasn't made to take poetic form. It wasn't poor by any stretch of the imagination though, don't get me wrong. You are an incredible writer, and your work reflects it, just this wasn't very.... poetic? I don't know how to point out what I'm feeling on this one. Good effort though! Keep Writing!