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The Inventor's War



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Fri May 13, 2011 11:02 pm
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IKnowAll says...



The numbers in parenthesis represent people I have not thought of names for yet. (nation1) and (nation2) are basically the same as the names, although I have thought of (nation3), now replaced with "pactristia"... This is all I have right now, but I wanted some feedback before I add more...

Chapter One

Not even a month had passed since the inventor had perfected the machine, and new challenges were already coming into his view. The treaty between (nation1) and (nation2), the last two nations in the world, had been broken, and the mood between them was tense. It was only a matter of time before one declared war on the other. He had been sent requests from the heads of various companies and universities, requesting to know how and why the machine worked, but he refused any amount of money, no matter how generous an offer.
Why? He was very secretive about that reason, and kept it’s location a secret from everyone. He did not want it in the wrong hands. Plus it would lose it’s glory if anyone were to know how it really worked. You see, it was called a “cloning machine” but this is far from the truth. It does not “create” things. It merely “rearranges” them. Much like the fictitious power of alchemy, it requires that there already materials to shape. This takes it further though. Using a scan down to the last atom and not a single atom more or less in the duplicate, it can duplicate anything. Furthermore it can hold a memory of an object, which can be duplicated even if the physical object is destroyed. The last problem he had to fix was how slowly it constructed duplicates. He had to create microscopic machines that could break and form covalent bonds, working at a molecular level. But he eventually made it able to duplicate an Amoeba Dubia (the larger species of amoeba) in a nanosecond. Even though I’m the 3rd person, I still don’t know how he did it...
What was troubling him the most was the upcoming war. He didn’t like wars. The country of pactristia (deriving from the latin words “pac” meaning peace, and “tristis” meaning sad) was still in existence when he was young, but was taken over by (nation2). He hated them for that. That is why (nation1) must win this war when it strikes, but postpone it s long as possible. War was bad. Even if you win with minimal casualties. Zero casualties is better than minimal casualties. Plus innocent people are nearly always killed in the process. We don’t want to lose troops but we don’t want to surrender either. If only he could think of a way to help... He probably would have, but someone else thought of it before he did...
The phone rang, and the inventor walked over through the mass of blueprints, research papers and letters assorted throughout the floor... The caller ID was blank. only hackers and government workers could make it blank. And he had switched to his old phone because of all the calls about the machine...
“How did you get this number?” the inventor asked
“You may not recognize my voice. My name is (2). I’m an old friend.” the man, apparently named (2), said.
“(2)! It’s been a long time... What would you like to speak to me about? I’m not telling anyone how the machine works, not even an old friend such as yourse-” the inventor begun.
“This is more urgent! I don’t need to know how it works, we need more troops to win this war! we have more weapons than we have troops! We need your machine to clone them! If we don’t then we’ll lose this war!” said (2), very urgently.
“You’re a Sargent now?”
“General,” He said through clenched teeth, “anyway, that machine will make it quite a bit easier for us to win this war.
“Okay. But there’s something you should know about the machine.”
“What’s that?”
“I doesn’t ‘clone’ things, it scans them then ‘replicates’ them. It does not create things. I will need materials in order to clone the troops.”
“Oh? Well, it won’t be a problem. It’ll create quite a few job openings, which we need right now with this economy.”
“So you’re saying war is a good thing?” the inventor fumed.
“For the economy, yes. For the people, no. No one in the country will know a single person who isn’t effected by the war. Wars are bad, and this one will have a lot of casualties, regardless of who wins.” the general said grimly.
“Okay. Since you aren’t a general because you like war, I’ll help.”
“Thanks,” said the general, then he chuckled a little.
“What’s so funny?” the inventor asked
“After all these years, you’ve barely changed at all.”
“So where do I meet you?”
“Outside.” the general said, and the inventor heard a honk from outside his house. “Let’s get going. You can pick up the machine later, but be out here in 10 minutes whether you bring it or not. It would be easier for both of us if you brought it though.”
“Okay. I’ll be right out.”
And so he was.

Chapter Two

They didn’t talk much on the way to the government building, which wasn’t long with current technology. Mostly just recalled their favorite memories from high school. When they arrived, the inventor was awestruck by how massive the building was. It was at least twice as large as the building previously the largest he’d seen. It was heavily guarded, with ten to twenty guards placed on duty at each entrance, and about 30 on the roof. The guards were very serious about their work, but seemed to think that if the general trusted him, they could trust him. Upon entry the inventor was given an ID card to swipe on doors and such. He was given level 12 clearance, and there were only 11 listed on the chart of who could go where. When the inventor asked the general about this, the general merely said:
“The people with level 11 clearance think they can use it to get into any workspace. They’re wrong. You, however, can enter any of the doors not on the normal maps as well as those that level 11s can. Although my boss has level 13 clearance. The only difference between level 12 and level 13 clearance is that level 13 can enter the boss’s office.”
Once the inventor had had a good nights sleep, he was less reluctant to tell the military where the machine was. He’d decided that it was only fair to open up a little since they were treating him so kindly. After he had stayed in the room for about a week or two, he was given an invitation to a meeting with the president of sciences... Of the whole country. Each place that tax money was sent to basically had it’s own set of elected staff. The inventor was anxious to meet him... Not much else happened that day. Not of importance, anyway. The next day, he woke up very early, and lay in bed for about an hour before he left for the meeting. He stared at the ceiling, thinking... A long time ago, he had a friend that lived in pactristia, a pen pal... He had only known her for a year. And before he could meet up with her again in person... pactristia was categorized as “uninhabitable”. That’s what (nation2)’s nukes can do. Thankfully this time they’re fighting us in order to gain our resources, rather than eliminate us as a threat. they don’t see us as a threat. they could destroy our entire country with a single nuke, but then the resources they seek would be destroyed. They know we won’t surrender. The inventor decided he would tell the president of research of technology everything about the machine. Anything to avenge (3)... He got up and prepared for the meeting. In ten minutes time he left his room, and begun walking to the elevator. A few stories down and about thirty seconds of walking, and he was at the office. He entered slowly, for when he entered the room, he had a feeling that the room was calm, and should not be disturbed. He hesitated, then heard a man say:
“If it isn't the famous (inventor’s name)! It’s such a pleasure to finally meet you. I have so many questions!”
“The pleasure is mine.” the inventor replied
“Well, now that that’s cleared up... Are you ready to begin?”
“When you are.” the inventor replied.
“That’s what I like to hear.”
“So what is it that I must do? If the general has told you what I’ve told him, then I’m sure the machine’s abilities will far exceed your expectations.”
“I have not spoken to the general since persuading him to ask that you assist us. What is it that he should have told me?”
“Well, I did not request for him to tell anyone. It’s just something that would have made this easier...”
“Which is?” The president said anxiously.
“The machine doesn't clone things. It replicates them.”
“Meaning?”
“I need existing materials in order to make objects.”
“But what about DNA? Wouldn’t you need a dead person to make a duplicate of a live person?” the president of sciences said, shuddering at the thought.
“No. It doesn’t just place molecules in different areas... It isn’t a machine. It is machines. The body of the machine isn’t very extraordinary. I basically just got a scanner, radio signal, and recharger for the body... The inside of the duplicate chamber is where the most important part is. The smoke that you see when the machine is turned on isn’t smoke. It’s a swarm of microscopic robots. They don’t need any AI, they just respond to signals from lasers coming from the top of the machine. It also has concrete in part of the walls to prevent any form of light from entering. When the robot receives a signal, it moves to a molecule, and either breaks or forms covalent bonds. They do, however, require charging.” the inventor said, then yawned after such a long explanation.
“How did you manage to create so many though?”
“Once I got the algorithms programmed in, I only needed to make one.”
“One? But you said a swarm...”
“I scanned that one, and had it make a duplicate of itself. Those two made duplicates of themselves, and those four made duplicates of themselves. Kind of like an embryo...”
“Ingenious! How long did it take?”
“About a month. At one point I turned all the other power off, so I wouldn’t run the bill up... or blow the fuse.”
“I can imagine.” The man said, chuckling a little.
“Will that be all for today?”
“Yes, I think that will do, for today at least.”
“See you next time.”
“Bye. Bring the general next time if you can.” The president said, waving goodbye.
“I’ll try.” the inventor said, waving back. As he left, he begun to doubt whether he had said as much as he had needed to. He kept feeling that he’d said too much for the first meeting... He went back to his room. Maybe a good long nap will help... He thought, as he lay down for awhile, slowly drifting off to sleep...

Chapter three

He was a normal kid, 17 years old... He was just starting on his second PhD. And no, he wasn’t the smartest person in the world. It was merely that the schooling system had gotten much more efficient, effective, and fast. You would graduate high school at age twelve, and the material that would be taught in a two year college for a degree could be taught in just one year, so a PhD took only 4 years. He had earned his first in physics, and was working on a second in robotics. So he had long since graduated high school. He had been a straight A student... Except in history. He did not hate the class... He despised it. Not because it was hard or he thought it was stupid, but because it was a brutal history. Full of war and destruction that left the earth with only three habitable continents left. It was almost too terrible to be true. Hundreds of wars a decade, millions of deaths a year, thousands of species- extinct. Once the madness started -over 3000 years ago- it couldn’t be stopped. All because humans couldn‘t just stick with trading good between countries. But for a hundred years the earth had been at peace. That was the longest it had done so since world war 3. He thought he had better see pactristia over the upcoming break. Maybe going there would let him learn a few things from them about peace. After all, they were the most peaceful country in any records... There was most likely a more peaceful country at some point, but any records would have been destroyed in one of the many nuclear explosions in history. Never mind that, he hated even thinking about it. It was summer here, but winter there, so he thought he’d better bring a coat.
As the last day of school passed, he was more happy to finally go to pactristia than he was to go to the graduation ceremony. Planes didn’t cost as much now, but this one wasn’t as cheap as he’d hoped it would be. The plane got there pretty fast though... Once he’d arrived, he realized he didn’t have as much money as he expected he would when he left, so he took the subway to balance it out. Once he got there, there was only one seat left where there wasn’t someone looking at him strangely... The person on the outer seat was asleep though, so he thought he’d better just try not to wake her. He sat down, and the girl woke up. She was about his age, and just about as tall. She had slightly tanned skin (like everyone else because of interracial marriage... That occurred more before all the wars started, and most of the purebred people were killed by one nuke or another. We were not identical, but human skin color didn’t vary much anymore... That eliminated racism... from skin color, but there were still stereotypes about countries’ residents. The girl yawned loudly, then said:
“Can’t you sit somewhere else?”
“I think I’d be pushed off the seat if I sat somewhere else. You were the only person not looking at me as if I were a mosquito or something.” the young inventor replied.
“Well, let me sleep, will you?”
“Why is everyone so unfriendly here...” The inventor muttered to himself.
“We’re not unfriendly to each other, we just don’t like foreigners.”
“How can you tell I’m foreign?” The inventor asked, trying to remember what he’d heard from people who’d been here before.
“First off, you’re in a good mood. We hide our emotions best we can here. Second, your clothes. You’ll need a more decent wardrobe if you want to go anywhere without getting those same looks all over again.”
“Thanks for the advice.”
“No problem. We also tend to stay away from foreigners because they usually think we’re weak or something. You know, for not being in any wars.”
“Yeah, I don’t think you’re weak. I think you’re pretty brave if you could go through all that without any offense or defense. I see it as your country looking at the future of the world rather than individual countries. I grew up in a community of people who would make such a stereotype. But I stood with what I thought, regardless of how many people think something that is wrong is right, it doesn’t mean it isn’t wrong. Too many people think that what a normal person would do is the right thing to do...”
“...and there should be more people that are selfless than selfish.”
“I’ve never met anyone with such great values.”
“Nor have I... Want to keep in touch?”
“Sure. Here’s my card.” The young inventor said, and pulled a business card out of his pocket.
“Thanks. I’ll email you when I get home... (inventor’s name),” the girl said, squinting to read the name on the card. “Oh, and I’m (3). In case you were wondering.” then she walked out of the train into darkness, never to be seen again by him...

Chapter four

He sat up in his bed, and sighed. He had kept in touch with (3) for two years after that... up until pactristia got nuked... He never had a chance to talk to her again. She was dead... It had been two years since then. The inventor looked down on concepts such as vengeance, but he now understood what it felt like to want vengeance... He was not as much of a pacifist as he had once been. This shamed him. But he also knew that things like being a pacifist or being more forgiving were not things he could regain.





(insert middle here)
 
 
 
 Again, I know it's cut off. I made an ending that's just about the most dramatic ending possible, read it if you want, but it's a spoiler...
 
 
 
 
Spoiler! :
As the (nation2) soldiers broke down the inventor’s door, they were reluctant to letting him survive. He was responsible for the deaths of their peers. Why did their king want him unharmed? They would find out soon enough…
“I surrender! Here’s the machine! Leave me alone now! Shoo!” The inventor yelled.
“Nope, you’re coming with us!” the (nation2) commander said. But the inventor did not seem effected by this.
“I knew this would happen,” the inventor muttered to himself. “Aw well, better than death, right?”
“Anything’s better than death unless you die for a just purpose.” the commander said.
“A lot of things are better than death, but dying for a just purpose is the best way to do it,” the inventor replied quietly, and walked past the commander. “The machine’s over there. Let’s get this over with. Where are you taking me?” the inventor said, pointing his thumb behind his shoulder at the machine.
“The capitol.”
“Oh.”
“Well, get in.”
The inventor was then immediately injected with a tranquilizer and fell to the ground, unconscious.
He woke up in a dimly lit room with no decorations. All four walls, the ceiling, and the floor, were white. A man turned to him when he got up. It was (nation2)’s king. The inventor’s fist clenched.
“Hello. We need you to use your machine for us. We have all the materials you will need.”
“When do we start…” the inventor said, sadly.
“Soon. Clone my guard. I’d like to see how this works.”
“Okay…” the inventor said quietly. He walked over to the machine, and started it.
“So where do I go?” The guard asked.
“Right here.” the inventor said.
“Okay.” the guard said, and entered the machine.
“I’m sorry.” the inventor said, and pressed the create button. The clone chamber flooded with nitroglycerine, and he sighed. Then it reached the most recent edition to the machine. The ignition chamber. The inventor’s plan was successful. His death was for a just purpose.

3 days later

The general had just gotten over the fact that his best friend had been captured. He had not checked his email for a week, when he did, he was surprised to see an email from the inventor…


Dear general, you have been a great friend. I hope you will be happy that I have not died in vain, and be glad to hear that I have eliminated the king of (nation2). I knew a double agent in the higher ups of (nation2), and knew I would be kidnapped. I altered the machine to create nitroglycerin instead of people when using carbon hydrogen oxygen and nitrogen. I also added a flame that turns on when the machine does. When they stocked up my machine with those four elements, I made it convert as much as it could into nitroglycerin before it was destroyed in the explosion. This email will be sent upon the destruction of the machine. Uprisings have started in (nation2), and it will be easy to make the world a single nation. Tell (3), that I am sorry we could not marry. Tell the president that there will not be international war for a very long time. And also, whenever you remember, tell yourself this for me: live a good life.

Your greatest friend, (1)
"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so."
-Mark Twain
  





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Thu May 19, 2011 8:30 am
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Ritehunter says...



Hi there.

I liked the story very much, keep it up. :)


The last problem he had to fix was how slowly it constructed duplicates. He had to create microscopic machines that could break and form covalent bonds, working at a molecular level. But he eventually made it able to duplicate an Amoeba Dubia (the larger species of amoeba) in a nanosecond. Even though I’m the 3rd person, I still don’t know how he did it...


I liked this part, everyone except for (1) doesn't know... even the narrator

I cannot find any problems though.

I liked the story I wonder what is next.
  





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Fri May 20, 2011 6:55 pm
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GryphonFledgling says...



Well hello there!

A'ight, this is going to sound incredibly nitpicky, but you really need to put names in here. I can understand putting placeholders into your story when you don't have a name thought up. Heck, I do it all the time. I've lost track of the number of "Bob" characters that I've written in, or how many times a character or place name has changed. But the thing is, I do it in the rough drafts. Before you put anything up for others to read, even if you do intend to edit more, it needs to be as finished as it can be. Even if they are just placeholder names like "Goodguysville" and "Hero McHeroton", some real names as opposed to just parenthetical placeholders will a) show a bit more respect to the readers and b) let the readers connect a bit more. Even something as silly as "Goodguysville" holds a bit more caring potential than a cold (nation1).

Content-wise, why did you put all four chapters in one post? Break it up a little bit, let the reader breath. It's okay to post more than one chapter, and in fact, we have a nifty Novel feature here on YWS that lets you upload the chapters separately for individual critique but have them be collected under one novel collection so that a reader can experience the whole story.

Chapter four: why did you have (insert middle here)? Have you not written it yet? If so, why did you post chapter four at all? Why not hold it back until you are more finished with it?

This seems like it could be a really interesting idea, but to be honest, the stuff I mentioned above was throwing me off. This felt more like a rough draft in someone's notebook than a story that I am supposed to critique. Everything was crammed in, with the reader getting more background on the worldbuilding than on the characters and their struggles. Slow down. Show us the characters' actions rather than just telling us about their pasts. Have them interact with the world instead of just talk about it. Give us people to care about, instead of just a situation we can sort of follow.

Feel free to shoot me a PM if you have any questions!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  








As ideas are always better than their execution, so too must dough taste better than cookies.
— Horisun