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Monster Hunter Part 1



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Gender: Male
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Wed May 11, 2011 3:21 pm
Cramerx says...



"Hi, It's nice to meet you." I said to the teacher shaking his hand. "Wow,You must be a real trouble-maker if you are trying to get on my good side on your first day." He replied to me, I smiled "No, I'm too much of a trouble-maker in school at least." I answered sitting down in my desk, looking at the rest of the class. It looked like a normal class; the cheerleaders,jocks,nerds,then the more normal ones. I didn't get any weird reading from this school so I figure that there should be no problem here so for now I get to rest. "Okay Class, I need you to watch the board. Because this is very complex math." He started writing down a bunch of numbers here and there with math symbols drawn in between so it had a total of 30 numbers and symbols written on the board. "Now let me show you how to work this problem. First you...." He started but I raised my hand "Yes James?" "Um, The answer is 54x ^ 7 - 3." I said making everyone gasp loudly including the teacher. He did some of his own figuring on paper then said "That is correct. May I ask how you got it so quickly?" I was bored by this but I answered anyway "Well, I guess I've always been good with numbers." The teacher looked at me like he was looking at a robber "Really? Then do this problem." He said writing down another problem just like the first one but with double the numbers "Try to figure this one out." He said glaring at me. "The answer is 78^2 + 8x." I answered without a bit of doubt in my voice, The teacher took about 5 minutes to do this problem "Yes,James that is correct." he answered with a slight growl.
"BOOM!" There was a giant crash outside, The whole class along with the teacher looked out the window. I stared out the window and saw a giant moving stone knocking over trees "Shoot, I really don't feel like fighting an A-senee-ki-wakw (Stone Giant) today." I jumped out of my desk then ran out the door "Great, Now I'm going to have to get rid of their memory of this and I only just got here." I pulled my pendant out from under my shirt and pressed the skull in the middle then I was covered in a black and red light. The light faded and I was covered in a ebony and crimson armor with a mask that covered the bottom half of my face like a ninja. I ran to the out to the gate of the schoolyard and jumped the gate coming face to face (so to speak) with the Stone giant. "Calm Down, Big guy. I'm sure we can settle this without fighting." I yelled up to him but he roared and stomped on me.
I slowly lifted his foot "I guess talking to you isn't going to work,Huh?" I said throwing his foot aside making him lose his footing then sending him crashing to the ground. The ground shook so hard that it was like a earthquake, The giant didn't move "Well, If I keep getting hit like that then I'm going to get a back problem." I said bending backward cracking my back. I walked over the giant then took out a small crimson circle and placed it on the giant's chest. The circle glowed and the stone giant slowly began to shrink and shrink till it was no bigger then a 8 year old boy. I picked him up then looked at my wrist, On a screen it showed me an address.
"Good, It's only a few blocks away...I should have known, Something that small couldn't have been far away......" I shook my head "I can't believe that I just said that." I started to run toward the address and I was there is less than a minute. It looked like a normal house so I walked to the door and knocked, A very tall woman came to the door wearing a green silk dress. "Hello Miss, I believe that this is your son." I said handing her the little boy. "Joey! Where have you been?" She screamed so loud I thought it might have blew out my eardrums "He's okay. He didn't cause any real damage just knocked over some trees but I just put him to sleep and changed him back into his human form." I started walking back toward the my school to finish the job, "Thank You!" she yelled to me as I walked away, I waved "No Problem,Miss. Tell him to stay out of trouble." I started to run toward the school after I reached the end of the sidewalk.
I shook my head "I can't believe that this is happening again!" I said to myself over and over in my head "Every time I move somewhere that place gets attacked by monsters." I twisted the skull on my chest plate and the armor absorbed itself back to the pendant. I got back to the class room and the teacher was already on the phone trying to get through to the police to tell them what he saw, I rubbed my forehead "They'll put more into the search if there are all of these kids say they saw something too so better fix this quick." I took a small ball of my pocket and tossed it into the classroom then it blew up covering everybody in a blue dust. I walked in the classroom and the teacher was telling the kids why the trees had 'mysteriously' fallen, something about the speed of the wind and the weakened state of the trees' thunks due to the weather.
"Humans,Always making stuff up for things that they can't explain." I thought to myself then shook my head "Your also a human,Dork.......who is talking to himself." I sat back down into my desk, the teacher turned toward me "I see that you somehow understand everything here so you may leave James......but DO NOT cause any trouble." He said pointing toward the door and I got out of the chair then left the classroom. "Great, What am I going to do for an hour?" I asked myself walking down the hallway and then a boy in a suit with a blue badge pinned to his shirt shouted to me "Where do you think your going?!?" Running up behind me.
I turned around "I'm going to walk around the school for a while I guess. By the way, Are you the The Hall Monitor or something?" He puffed up his chest and answered "Yes, I am! And your going to the class if I have to pull you there by your ears." He grabbed my arm and started walking me back to the class that I just left, He got to the door and said "Come on you!" He turned to look at what he was thinking was me to see a large rag doll "What the?!?!?" He looked all around then saw me walking toward the door and started to run for me. I laughed "Finally a little out of 'work' fun." I said to myself starting to dash around the corner toward the gym, I busted through the doors and found myself in the middle of a boxing and judo club. And the Hall Monitor came in right behind me then smiled "Ha! Let's see you get away from me now!" He yelled as I started to run toward the climbing wall, the hall monitor yelled "Get Him!" then both the Judo and boxing club started trying to attack me. I jumped over a few people then ducked under a few more, They were fast but no match for me.
I got a crossed the the gym and to the climbing wall then grabbed one of the ropes and started climbing. I stopped then looked down to see that most of the boxing team was trying to get me "Gosh! Don't these people have anything better to do?" I kept climbing the rope until I got to the top, I took out a small pocket knife and started cutting the ropes. "Meh, Heh,Heh,heh." I started laughing as the people that were trying to catch me fall to the mats on the ground. I looked over the side and shouted "Too Slow!" the one of them threw a basket ball and hit me in the head knocking me backward. I rubbed my forehead then looked back over the side "That was a very cheap shot." I said throwing the ball back down hitting the hall monitor who was laughing square in the face. He fell to the ground as did I but I was the one laughing this time.
I stopped laughing then looked at my watch and reset the alarm "Okay, I guess I'll take a little nap before my next class." I laid down on my back then closed my eyes and went to sleep. I awoke to the sound of my watch's alarm and the sound of the afternoon gym class, I carefully looked over the side to see the schools' biggest jocks and some of the better female athletes doing a laps around the gym. I sat backward to where I was in the first place and rubbed my forehead "Now, How am I going to get out of here without being seen and held up by the jocks." I looked at my pendant then shook my head "Well I could use it to turn invisible then get out of here but that would be breaking a much higher rule." I slapped my head "Crap, That's why that team of morons left me up here because they knew I would get trapped." I carefully walked down the walkway making no noise. I walked to a higher window where just outside that was a tree where I could get down, I slowly opened the window without any of the morons below seeing or hearing me just in time for me to get out. I reached the base of the tree then looked at my watch, I had another class in 5 minutes. I wiped the sweat from my head "I have the greatest luck ever......I wonder how long it would have taken me to drop them all of the jocks. I couldn't help but thinking while running toward the school building. As a suddenly heard scream, It came from the gym where I had just gotten away from.....I shook my head "I just know that this is going to make me late for class."
I ran back to the tree and climbed it like nothing right back the window. I looked through the window and saw a bull-headed monster ramming into walls around the gym. I signed "A Gyuki (Bull-headed monster) ? What the heck is something like that doing around here." I pressed the skull on my pendent then my armor had covered my body before I hit the ground. I ran through the gym's wall and shook my head then said "Oh Yeah!" I laughed as both the monster and the students stopped to look at me "Oh come on! How many chances do you get to do that?" I was in front of the Gyuki and before it knew what happened and did a palm move knocking it backward almost to the wall. Both the gym teacher and the students pointed as the monster got back up even madder then when it was before, It roared and rushed at me but I dodged.
"Crap, I forgot that when you hit these things they get up even stronger then before." I dodged again out of it's way but it just missed me this time, The monster seemed to turn toward one of the girls that was closest to it and rushed at her. "Shoot!" I ran over just in time to pick her up and jump upward in time for the monster to miss us. She screamed and it was ear-piecing, I looked at her "If you break my ear drums then I will drop you." She nodded and squeezed my neck, I kicked off the wall then landed on the floor by the other students and teacher. I turned to one of the jocks who had a red towel over his shoulders "I need to use this." I said grabbing the towel off his shoulder
“Hey, That's min....” He started but the gym teacher stopped him. I walked over away from the students then waved the towel "Toro,Toro" It roared then rushed at me with a red glare in it's eyes, I braced for impact "This is going to really hurt...". I stood there as the monster came within feet of me "Get out of the way, Black Knight!" All of the students yelled trying to me to move. It hit me but I grabbed it's horns and slammed it to the ground. I arched my back "Ouch, that really hurt." I bend down and put the crimson circle on the Gyuki's chest before it could move. It slowly shrunk down until it was the size of a normal man, The one of the girls ran over to him.
"That's Jim. He's my ex-boyfriend." I arched my back again until it snapped back into place "Of course, he is." I took the same metal ball from my belt that I used to wipe my math classes' memory. I threw the memory bomb into the center of the gym and it blew up covering everything in the gym in a blue dust while they were in a daze I ran out of the gym to the tree. The students looked very dazed and as did the teacher then said "What happened?" "There's a beat up guy in the middle of the gym." They ran over to him and checked his pulse while the another one of the students ran to the door yelling for help. I laughed to myself "Funny, How little people notice.” I twisted the skull on my armor and it became the pendent again and as I walked by the large hole in the wall one of the girls yelled to me "Will you help us get this guy some help?" I shook my head and walked over to him and picked him up
"Don't worry. I'll get him to the nurse’s office ASAP " I said walking out the hole in the wall which I didn't understand why they didn't seem to see, I heard the students yell “Thank you.” to me ,I turned around and made peace sign made with my fingers "No Problem, We'll all friends here right." I walked to the school nurse's office carrying the guy on my shoulder "Oh, My word! What in the world happened to him?" I looked at her after laying him down on the table "Well, a few guys cornered him by the edge of the schoolyard. They got him pretty good before I got there. I'm going to get in trouble now because I'm really late for class." The nurse rubbed my head "It's okay. Not many people would be as brave as you helping out a fellow classmate. I'll be sure to make sure that you don't get in trouble." I smiled "Thank You, Miss. I best be off to my studies now."
I ran out of the room toward my reading class. I was there in a few minutes but when I entered the class everyone was in the middle of a test. I bowed to my teacher and sat in my seat "I am very sorry, sir. I was taking an classmate to the nurse's office." He smiled "Fine, If you can get this test done then I will not give you anything for being late." He said giving me a test that was 50 pages long. I picked up my pencil and started writing down the answers like a piece of cake, The hardest part of the whole test was where they wanted you to write a 2 page story but that only took me five minutes to write. I raised my hand and the teacher glared at me "Yes.....James?" he asked me slightly angry. I walked over and put the finished test on his desk.
"What? There is no way you could do finish that quick." I walked back to my desk and sat down lending backward to rest. I saw my teacher studying my test to check the answers, "I can't believe it. I just can't believe it. You did the test in record time and got a perfect score." All of the other kids in the room looked at me with angry looks, I really didn't care because I was on cloud nine right now. I had beat two monsters with no problem and got two perfect scores on two advanced classes, So I am saying that it is a pretty good day. The bell rang and class ended but when I was about to leave the teacher called me over to his desk. "James, May I ask how you did this test that quickly and got a perfect score?" I smiled "I really don't like to brag, Sir but I'm a genius in a few senses of the word. I can do hard math problems in my head quickly and I have a really good memory so I can do this stuff pretty easily also." He laughed "Good enough,James. I'm happy to have you in my class at least." I laughed along with him "Thank you sir and have a nice day." I answered him as I left the class, I walked to my locker and opened the door then looked at a piece of paper the listed my classes. "Let's see.....I have two free periods in a row? Wonder why I have these?" "Because of me." said a bellowing voice that I knew. I didn't talk too loud because I knew this voice was in my head "Hi, Lord Gyro. What do you want now?"
"Meh,Heh,Heh. Well, Now I want to know why you've used two memory bombs today?" I shut my locker door and started walking toward the school door "Because I had to fight a Gyuki and an A-senee-ki-wakw today in which case both times a whole class saw the fight between me and the monster. Which begs the question: Why were there two monsters today?" The voice signed "I'm not sure but it's getting worse because there is another monster across the town." After I got outside I screamed inside my head "What!? Why are there so many monsters today.” I shook my head “Well, What is the monster that I'm going to fight?" "I don't know that,James. Your going to have to find out yourself." And the voice was gone. "Dumb Lord Gyro!" I looked at the sky and my eyes whited out making it so I could see monsters even when they were in human form. I could also sense where monsters when they're in their true form, I ran behind a tree then pressed the skull and my body became covered with my armor.
"Let's see here" I said looking around the schoolyard trying to track the monster that should be a crossed town "It looks like it's about 30 miles to the west." I turned off my 'Ghoul Eyes' then ran towards the west, I'm making good time on this run. I was almost there and I had only been running for about 10 minutes, there are some good things about being a monster hunter. I found it what was giving off the signal: There was a small army of undead walking toward me now "I'm getting really mad now. I want some answers to where you monsters are coming from. So lets see if I can get any answers from you." I stood as the monsters gathered around me "Let's see how powerful you undead are?" They slowly walked toward me but in my armor they were no match even with ten of them attacking me at once, Undead have the same amount of strength as the thing that they are made from. And because the these all were human undead they were no match "You have no chance of beating me, You undead creeps." I said punching through their rib cages like paper.
"You no nothing of the undead's true power." I looked upward and all around "Where the heck is that coming from?" A dark figure came floating down from the sky, He had a dark energy flowing from him like an river "Watch This!" He waved his hands around then the bones of the undead started to start gathering together and growing, The bones fused into a giant undead monster "Have fun fighting this! Attack my undead giant!" He ordered and started laughed while floating at least 30 stories above the ground. The undead giant roared and punched at me, There was no way I could get out of the way so I stood my ground "This is going to really hurt...." I said making a X-block with my arms just before it hit me. It knocked me backward tearing up the road in the process, I slowly got to my feet "Wow, That hurt but you made one mistake on this monster." The man floating laughed "What's that?" I smiled under my mask "You made me work in the middle of my break!"
I ran at the monster and jumped crashing right through it's rib cage, I landed on my feet still holding my fist "How's that for you?" It crashed to the ground around me, I looked up at the man in black "Hmm. I will have to keep my eye on that one." He floated back in the part of the sky where he came from. I bent down and shuck a spike in the ground then I jumped on a nearby building to wait. I watched as the spike glowed red as did the bones, Then spike along with the bones disappeared as I jumped back down "I think I got that job done. But now I wonder who was that nut-job who was floating in the sky." I heard a crowd coming toward the site where I was standing "I better get out of here." I started running back toward the school before the people got there, From the looks of it they were having some sort of party or something.
I didn't care about that, my mind was on what I was going to tell to Lord Gyro next time I talk to him. I was back to my school with one more free period which was pretty good for me. I walked to a tree and turned off my armor so I could walk around freely again, then started walking off to the gym where I guessed I could get a work-out until my next class. Once I walked in the halls,I got a chill down my spine which gave me the creeps. I kept on walked but didn't heard or see anyone "This is really weird..Even if there is classes then I should hear the teachers." I since kept walking but I still heard no one talking from any place, I looked around and shrugged "It may be weird but I really don't care as long as the gym's okay." I walked into the gym and saw the cheerleaders were working on new cheers but they were floating in mid air. "LORD GYRO!!!" I screamed out loud looking around the gym trying to find him, I knew that he was the only one who could freeze humans in time.
"GET OUT HERE NOW!" "Well, You don't have to yell,James." I heard from behind me so I quickly turned around to look at the 3 foot lord gyro. "What do you want, Gyro?" I asked angry with a red glare in my eyes, He shook his head "Isn't that rude? To talk to your boss that way?" He asked turning his head looking up toward me. I bent down so I could see eye-to-eye with him "You stop talking to me like your better then me, Gyro. Because your not above me in anyway possible." I said poking him in the forehead, He looked angry and batted my hand away "Stop That!" I stood up "I want to know something...Why was there a man in black that controlled the undead?" Gyro's face dropped "Oh Dear, I didn't think he would come after you that quick..." I bent back down with a worried look "What do you mean 'Come after me'?" I asked him while looking him in the eye. He floated up so when I stood up we would be eye-to-eye "Your more powerful then most of the monster hunters I have had to this point so that got more then a few people's eyes. They want your power for themselves." I grinned "Oh, Is that all? Tell them to make a offer." I started laughing but Gyro's face still looked worried "It's not that simple...They will end up killing your family and friends along with you to gain every last ounce of your power." I stopped laughing then got really worried "And how do I stop them?" Gyro gained a half-smile and answered "We have to move you to a new school in the next few days but that should be enough time to build your rep at this school."
We both started laughing,Gyro looked at me "See how fast a good joke can lighten the mood. But your family will be fine as long as we get you to the new school in a few days." I nodded then he disappeared as I walked out the gym door, After it closed I peered through the window just in time to see the cheerleaders start moving again. I could go in the gym as long as I didn't mess with the cheers, so I walked through the door and walked past the cheerleaders "Don't mind me. I'm just getting a little work-out before my next class." They all nodded and got back to their cheers while I walked over to the punching bag that they had hanging up for the boxing club. I punched the bag knocking it back as far as the chain would let it go then while it swung back, I kicked it and knocked the bag off the whole chain. I snapped my fingers "Shoot! I guess I should have held back more...." I walked over to the bag that was now laying by the wall and threw it over my shoulder then walked back over to the swinging chain.
I looked over at the cheerleaders who were staring at me with their mouths open, I laughed and hooked the bag back on the chain. I walked to the balance board that they had for gymnastics and jumped on it, I flipped then landed on my right hand. I put my left hand behind my back and started pushing my body up and down with my right arm, I bend all the way backwards so that my feet were on the board and I stood back up. I looked up at two rings that were hanging from the roof, I jumped up and grabbed hold of them. I swung back and forth a few times then let go at the third time,I did a few flips in the mid-air, and landed on my hands then walked over the climbing wall. I put my feet on the wall then pushed off the floor and grabbed the rope with my left hand, I climbed to the top of the rope then did a back-flip off the wall and landed on my feet. I looked over at the cheerleaders where the guys were fanning the girls who fainted trying to wake them up. I walked over the them and reached down then pressed a spot on the side of their necks then they woke up. I started to walk out the door when I heard one of the cheerleaders ask "What are you?" I turned around with a shy smile and answered "My name's Bond, James Bond. The new kid..."
I waved to them laughing, I had been waiting to use that trick since I watched the James Bond movies. I walked out the door toward my classroom, I figured that I could help the teacher set up or something till the time of the class. When I got to the classroom, I saw that the teacher was near the window mixing a few different color liquids into a glass breaker. He sat the glass on the table and turned write on the black board "Hello Sir. Is there any thing I can help you with?" I asked walking in the door, He turned to me and nodded hello then went back to work on his black board. I walked in the door and leaned on the wall waiting for something to do before class started "James, Could you give me one of the glass breaker over there." He asked holding out his hand, I walked over to the table with the glass breakers, grabbed one, then handed it to him. I looked at the black board, Looking at the chemistry problems that he wrote on the board.
"Sir, May I answer these?" He looked at me sitting down his breaker "Sure, But I haven't taught anybody this yet so it's unlikely that you'll know the answers." By the time he finished, I had written down the whole chemicals bond problem on the black board. He walked over to the black board and read what I had written down "Amazing. Your quite the Brainiac aren't you?" He said smiling, I put my hand behind my head "Yeah, I guess so, Sir." I said laughing. I wiped the answer off the black board and after helping the teacher set up the lab desks, I sat down then waited for the bell to ring. The bell rang then the whole classroom flooded with kids, The teacher had everyone pick a small piece of paper out of a top hat that was sitting on his desk. He explained that each of the papers had a name of a classmate and that's who we would be paired with for the class. "Are you James?" a girl said walking up to me, I turned and answered "Yes, That's me" I answered looking at her, she was the one that I saved from the Gyuki "Um,Well your my lab partner for the class." "Well,Nice to meet you,Miss." I said shaking her hand,The teacher started writing on the black board then pointed to me and asked "James, Would you come to the black board and explain what I mean here."
I nodded, stood up, and walked to the black board then one by one started pointing to each of the phases of the matter to become a completely different matter when a kid busted through the door "Sir, Get out here! The students are starting to like die or something!" The teacher threw his glasses on his desk and started out the door "James, Make sure that everyone stays here." He had just finished before the door closed, All of a sudden I got a chill down my spine "Great, There's some kind of vampiric monster here now." I looked out the window and grabbed some sunglasses to mask my white eye morph. I turned around then started to scan the walls to look for some kind of ghost. I saw something coming toward the classroom, I could easily tell that energy "Moroi (Vampiric Ghost) ........Perfect."
I knew that there was no way I could fight it in here without hurting someone so I had to think of something. I figured that if I ran then it would follow me because I was the most powerful person in the school and quite the town. It flew through the wall to show it's jagged teeth with dripping blood on them, It wouldn't of had a problem attacking any of the people at this school because none of them knew any curses to stop monsters or had any willpower to put up a fight. All the students screamed then moved toward the wall away from the monster. I had to act fast, I grabbed a breaker from the desk and threw it at the monster "Hey ugly! Catch me if you can!" I said running toward the door waiting until it started running at me which wasn't long. I started out the door with the Moroi following right behind me, I already made me plan. I would take it to the gym which nobody was using right now then transform and beat it down. After that the life that it took from the kids should return to them, I heard a roar right behind and I turned around to see that it was just a few steps behind me.
I picked up the pace a bit and ran right through the gym's door which was open at the time....Luckily,It stayed on me "Come and get me!" I yelled but the monster turned around "Get Away From Him!" I heard from a crossed the gym, I looked toward the door to see the girl that I saved from the Gyuki and my lab partner. "This is going to really hurt." The monster raised it's claw and swiped at her but I jumped in the way getting my chest slashed. Blood oozed from the wound and it was really hard for me to breathe "Are......You......O.......K?" I asked her huffing and puffing, "Yeah, Are you okay?" She asked me sobbing, I laughed and threw up some blood "Nope, I'm going to die but I should be able to kill this guy first." I slowly stood on my feet then threw up some more blood "No, your not......" She said walking over behind me and bit my neck, There was a second of pain then nothing.
I looked at my chest and the wound was closed "What the?" I said aloud as the girl walked in front of me "Don't worry. I have this James." She said winking at me but she had a coldness in her eyes, The Moroi tried to slash her but she moved out of the way like nothing then grabbed it's neck. She lifted it off the ground with one arm then turned toward me "I'm not sure if you've heard of me but I'm a Loogaroo (Shape-shifting female vampire)." I watched as she crushed the monsters' neck like a toothpick and it turned to sand in her hand as did my blood that was on the floor. She walked over to me and grinned "Sorry if that surprised you but I couldn't tell you my secret unless I knew you wouldn't tell anyone. And by giving you life to save a girl that you just met and don't even knows name then you proved to me that I could trust you." She said walking over to help me up, She moved around my shredded shirt to look at my chest "It looks like it healed. My name is Raven by the way." She said grinning widely, Who was this girl? She just told me that she was a monster then killed the Moroi without batting a eye. Why would she allow me to see that?
I started questioning myself while Raven stood by me smiling. I had to act normal: What would someone that was normal say at this time? "What was that thing?" I asked hoping that I sounded worried or scared, She just kept smiling as she answered "It was a vampire ghost." "What you mean that vampires are real?" I asked again trying to sound as dumb as a normal human. But she kept that smile on her face "Yep. I'll tell you everything on later after school. You can show me around town." She said cheerfully and walked out the door, I signed then followed her to where my locker was, I reached in and pulled out another shirt. I always made sure that I had a extra suit just in case, I quickly switched shirts then ran back to the classroom that I escaped with the monster.
All the students were in the room but the teacher was still out "Perfect, I can get fix their memory without being seen." I said to myself pulling one of my memory bombs from my pocket then rolling it into the room. Just like the last few, It covered everyone in a blue dust then I walked in, Then stood by the blackboard like I was before the Moroi attacked. The teacher came in and turned to me pushing up his glasses "The school is going to be closed for the next week or so until we make sure it is safe here." I was a bit shocked: My first day of school then I'm out early. Plus I'm going to a new school in a few days. While everyone else in the classroom cheered and ran out the door, I walked over to the teacher "Do you need any help sir?" I asked trying to get something out of today but he shook his head "No, I think you've helped me enough, James. Have a nice day." He said sitting behind his desk studying some papers.
I nodded then walked out of the room to find Raven outside waiting for me "Did you hear?" I nodded as we walked towards the door "Yeah, The school closed for the next week or so to make sure things are safe." We walked out of the doors then out the schoolyard gates together before we spoke again "So since schools' out. What would you like to see?" She almost acted like she forgot "Oh, Well I was planning on getting changed first before going. Do you mind if we stop off at my house before we start?" she asked putting a finger to her head. I grinned and nodded "Sure, No problem." She smiled then walked back toward her house, It was pretty normal for a vampire: It was painted a light yellowish color and had flowers planted by the front of the house. I stood on the sidewalk putting my hands in my pockets "I'll wait here, Raven" She waved to me then walked up to the door,unlocked it, and walked in.
I looked around to make sure there was no dark energy coming from anywhere because it would be really bad if something attacked at this time, I took some sunglasses from my pocket then put them on my face before changing my eyes to white. I stared at the house; If she was a vampire then one of her parents had to be a vampire too but when I looked the only energy dark or otherwise coming from the house was Raven's. I changed my eyes back before hanging the sunglasses on my shirt, It must be a show house. With raven's power she could easily beat just about anything that would bother her here so her parents must have gotten this house for her alone to live in. But that means her parents were both a type of monster while one of them had to be a vampire. "Wow, this girl could be more powerful then I first thought." I said to myself
"But one thing still makes me wonder, Why did she willingly tell me she was a vampire?" I asked myself just before Raven came out the door wearing a black t-shirt and skirt. She tilted her head "Is this normal? I'm still new to this human life thing." I nodded "That's normal,Raven. Come on, I'll show you some of the sites." She grinned, After we got to the end of the street we started talking "So your a Loogaroo, Right?" I asked already knowing what it was "Yep, And you want to know what one is right?" She asked smiling at me, I nodded then she started explaining "A loogaroo is a shape-shifting female vampire." she grinned widely "Do you want to see a cool trick?" I nodded “Sure.” I said simply and She pulled me in to a forest a crossed the street. “Are you ready?” She asked then I nodded. She lifted up her left arm and it turned into a snake, and then raised her right arm then it turned into a sword.
“What do you think?” She asked as the snake tried to bite me “Nothing I've ever seen could compare to that..” I said ducking under the snake, She grinned as she lifted both arms and they changed back to normal. After her arms changed back to normal, We walked out of the forest and started down the sidewalk. I figured that some of the best places to see for a vampire would be something like a horror movie or park, I put on my sunglasses from my shirt looking around. I had to avoid any monster that I could get attacked by, After I put the sunglasses on I whited my eyes out “Perfect, As long as Lord Gyro doesn't bother me....” I thought to myself then I heard a laugh in the back of my head “Why isn't that cute. A monster hunter is dating a monster.” He said laughing, I started to get angry “This is not a date, Shortie!” I answered angrily in my head without changing the look on my face in the slightest.
I heard Lord Gyro growl “I'm not short, I'm a slow grower!” He screamed inside my head, I smiled “Right, Now the fact that your 300 years old and 3 foot tall has nothing to do with it right. But anyway what do you want?” I asked while pointing to a guy that fell into water fountain. “Well, There's a Satori (Mind-reading humanoid) is running around here somewhere.” I nodded looking around trying to see something out of the normal when I saw a small dark energy reading coming from a guy sitting by table with cards on it. “I think I find him. But he's not causing any trouble.” “Yes, I know but just make sure that he's not bothering the humans.” Lord gyro said as his voice faded out, I laughed when Raven told me about how she seen a few humans run into a door. As we walked by the table with the Satori by it, I pointed to it “Look it's a table where they can read your mind.” Raven seemed to jump at this idea, grabbing my hand and pulling me over to the table “Think of a color,number,letter,word, or pick up a card.” He said fanning a deck of cards out on the table, I nodded as Raven stepped up to the table and grabbed a card from the table. He put his hand to his head “Is your card the ace of hearts?” He asked looking at Raven, She turned the card around to reveal a ace of hearts with a smile on her face “How did you do that?” She asked in amazement, He clapped his hands together “A good magician never reveals his secrets.”
He stared at me because I was standing back with a bored look on my face. “Why don't you give it a try?” He said pulling a unopened poker deck from under the table, then fanned them out over the other deck “Pick any two cards from the table,Sir.” He said clapping his hands together, I nodded as I picked two cards from the table and he put his finger by his head “I know your a Satori, Guy.” I thought with a grin and he almost acted surprised “How did you....” “I'm a monster hunter but don't worry I'm only here to check and make sure your not causing any trouble.” I replied in my head keeping the grin on my face. He nodded so everyone could see it “That's fine but what are your cards?” He asked politely “Their the nine of spades and the king of diamonds.” I said in my mind before looking up, I saw the guy take his finger from his head “Your cards are the nine of spades and the king of diamonds.” He answered before I laid my cards down on the table to reveal that he was correct. Raven waved to him as we were walking away “Thanks for the help.” He told me in my head as we walked away, I laughed and gave him a thumbs up. Raven was pulling me to the things that she hadn't seen before but the bad part was that she was pointing at normal things and asking what they were like streetlights or trucks. While she was looking at the things, people walked up and asked me what the deal was.
I shook my head and told them that she was from a remote place where they lived off the land with no technology at all, I guessed that it was a pretty good lie because they all believed me then walked off before Raven came back. I just kept wondering how long she had been in the human because if she wasn't pointed out as a new student today then how long had she been walking around the human world clueless. “Well, I would say about two three days at the most.” I heard Lord Gyro say in the back of my head “What do you want now? And stop popping in and out of my head.” I asked then ordered, I heard him laugh “If I catch you thinking about me then I'll fire you.” he answered jokingly, I shook my head as we pasted a large circus tent which Raven pointed at then pulling me to. “Oh Good, Your going to the place with the monster. So I don't have to worry. Bye Bye now.” He said disappearing from my mind “Dumb little short.......” I muttered while walking, Once we got to the opening by the ticket booth, Raven just ran in “She's with me.” I said handing him the money for two tickets.
I ran to catch up with Raven who had already sat in a seat by the front row. I sat down beside her then right after I sat down, A some clown came up to me and creamed me in the face with a pie. Everyone laughed but Raven and me as the clown started running around the stage “I'm going to kill that clown.” I muttered under my breath while wiping my face off with a towel that the guy a crossed the lane threw to me, I changed my eyes back to normal before taking my sunglasses off. “Why did that guy in make-up throw a pie in your face?” Raven asked taking my sunglasses from me. “Because getting a pie in the face is funny to most people.” I answered as I finished wiping my face off, Just then the same clown came over to me with a pie again and threw it but this time I caught it and nailed him in the face with it. Everyone started to laugh including Raven and me “See now that was funny.” I said in between laughing then all of the clowns started to hold up pies in each of their hands ready to throw them at me. “You got to be freakin' kidding me.” I yelled jumping out of my seat trying to dodge the pies that the clowns were throwing at me.
I started to wonder why they were targeting only me with the pies, I ducked under a few pies that flew over me and hit some of the people in the back lanes. I jumped to the side and caught a few more to throw back at the clowns which hit them square in the face. I started to do a victory dance when another clown hit me square in the face with another pie “Why you little.....” I said angry while everyone else laughed “Wow, I didn't know that they had clowns in the crowd too.” I wiped the pie from my eyes then took my sunglasses from Raven and put them on my face, I whited out my eyes then saw that the clowns were Kupua (Shape-shifting Tricksters). “You have got to be kidding me.” I said shrugging “Now, That explains why their only targeting me.” I said to myself “If I play with you guys then you better not cause any trouble,Deal?” I asked then all the clowns nodded their heads, I jumped on stage “Alright, Let's dance!” I shouted dodging a pie that one of them threw at me, I ran over to a cart that they had pies in and grabbed a few out of it.
I jumped over another pie then counter-attacked with one of the pies that I got, knocking the clown to the ground. I stood up “Who's Next?” I asked waving them on, Three of them threw pies at me at once but I ducked under all three. Then spun around hitting all the clowns at once then dodged another pie, All the clowns got up then looked at each other and ran behind a curtain. I laughed “You were never any match for me.” I said grinning then I saw a 10 foot clown coming out from behind the curtain carrying a 5 foot pie. “Well, That's just cheating.” I said as the clown threw the pie on top of me then ran behind the curtain again, The clowns that I was playing with first came back out and fell on the floor laughing. I took my sunglasses from my face then started to laugh too “I guess you can't win them all.” I said hopping down from the stage and Raven followed me out the opening. “Was that funny?” She asked me as I was shaking my arms to get a pie filling off “Well, What did you think?” I asked shaking my legs to get the pie off of them, She shook her head “I think it was funnier when the clowns got hit in the face.” She answered politely, I nodded “I think that part was funnier too.” I replied then Lord Gyro appeared in my head again.
“I think the best part was when you got creamed by the giant cream pie.” He said laughing, “Shut up Shortie! What do you want now?” I asked angrily in my head, “Well, There's a out of human form monster at the park. I need it taken care of right away.” He said before disappearing once again, I shook my head “God, I hate him.” I looked at Raven who was happily skipping by me “Hey Raven, Do you want to check out the park?” I asked nicely, Raven's eyes lit up “That sounds great.” She said running ahead then stopped and looked back “I don't know where it is.” She said putting a finger to head and sticking out her tongue. I ran to catch up with her “Follow me, I know right where it is.” I said running ahead, We got to the park in a few minutes which I hoped that the monster didn't bother anyone yet. I whited out my eyes to see that there was a dark energy signal coming from the center of the park.
I changed my eyes back then looked at Raven “Do you want to take a run around the park?” I asked politely but quickly, She nodded “Sure, Let's go.” I pointed to the track “You start. I'll be around in a minute just have to take care of something real quick.” I said waving to her as I started toward the center of the park. I ran behind a tree then pressed my skull pendent then my armor appeared on me, I ran to the center of the park. I knew that it wouldn't take Raven long to get to where I was because of her vampire speed so I had to get this done quickly, I got to the dark energy signal to find a Mono Grande (Giant Monkey) glaring down at me. I shook my head “I don't really have much time because I have a friend that's going to be here any second.” I said running over to it before it could react and sticking a crimson circle on it's chest, The beast shank down to the size of a normal human then I turned my skull on my armor to make it become a pendent again just as Raven came running into slight.
She ran over to me “What you doing?” She asked watching me as I picked up the man and laid him down on a bench “Oh Nothing, Just getting that guy off the ground.” I answered shrugging, I wiped the sweat from my forehead as I started to run along side Raven. “Wow, The park doesn't have many people at this time does it.” She said staring around at the empty benches and swings, I nodded “Yeah, Not many people come around the park at 11:50 at night.” I said gazing up at the full-moon, “I'm glad I didn't have to fight any werewolves.” I thought to myself as Raven and I sat on a park bench, I stretched my legs thinking of what happened today. I fought three no check that four monsters, Talked at two more, and almost got killed trying to save a shape-shifting vampire from a Moroi “I guess a had a pretty busy day.” I thought to myself lending back putting my hands behind my head. I looked over at Raven who was lending by my neck, I started to think that she wanted to bite me but I dismissed the idea pretty fast. Raven lent up by my neck then bit in my neck, I winced slightly in pain as she backed off, wiping her face “I'm sorry but I couldn't resist. Your blood is unlike anything I ever tasted.” she said licking her lips, I clapped my hand over the teeth holes in my neck.
“I guess I shouldn't have gotten rid of that idea.” I thought to myself, As Raven started to talk again “I can't put my finger on it but your blood has something that's unlike anything I ever tasted.” She said starting to grin, I did the same: I was unsure if I should take this as something good or bad. My blood is unlike anything she ever tasted. I took my hand from my neck and saw that there were only two tiny dots that looked like something you would get from a needle. “Don't worry, I only took a small part of your blood. In truth, Your the only one that didn't treat me different because I didn't know much about this world.” She said shyly, I smiled “Don't worry. It's okay, No harm done.” I said happily, We both smiled until we heard a howl. I twisted around “What was that?” I asked whiting out my eyes so I could look around, What I found didn't please me at all. “A werewolf.” Raven answered jumping up from the bench, I changed my eyes back before I jumped up too “A werewolf? You mean they're real too?” I asked dumbly, I felt bad about lying to after what she told me but I couldn't tell her that I was a monster hunter.
She nodded “Yeah, All the monsters are real.” I tried to look like it surprised me “Really? You mean that all the monsters are real?” I asked dumbly once again and once again she nodded “Yep. But we may we to get away because I don't know if I can fight a werewolf.” She answered sounding a little scared, I knew that there was not only no way that we could out-run it if it attacked us but I knew that I had to turn it back to normal. I kept trying to figure out a way to stop the werewolf without having to use a memory bomb on Raven again, I racked my brain trying to think of a way but nothing was coming up. I had it, I grabbed Raven's arm and stopped “Raven, You go that way and I'll go this way. We'll meet up at the center of the park.” I said then Raven nodded started to run down another path while I ran down the one with the where werewolf was, I pressed the skull making my armor appear on my body then came face to face with the werewolf at the top of the hill. I snapped my fingers and a staff made of the same stuff that my armor was made of appeared out of thin air “I know there's no use in talking to you so I'll try and take you down quickly.” I said but the werewolf batted me to a tree making it crack “Ow, Now that hurt. I hate fighting things on their home base so in this case a werewolf under a full-moon.” I said getting to my feet spinning my staff around so fast that you couldn't see it.
This was going to be a bothering fight due to the fact that I had to beat this thing at full-power plus I only had about five minutes before Raven got to the center of the park. All I had to do was stun him just long enough for me to put the crimson circle on his chest, I jumped up then drove at the beast but it grabbed my staff then threw me to the ground. I jumped to my feet again “Crap, This thing is a lot more powerful then I thought it would be.” I said then whited out my eyes, I shouldn't have much of a problem now. I rushed at him but he dodged ready to attack me from behind but this time I twisted around cracking him upside the head with my staff “Doesn't feel too good on the hitting side of the fight now does it.” I said walking over to him about to put a crimson circle on his chest when someone kicked me from the side knocking me to the ground. I looked up to see that the one who kicked me was Raven, She glared at me with a red stare “How dare you try to kill that werewolf!” She screamed punching at me but I easily dodged thanks to my 'Ghoul Eyes'.
I didn't have time to deal with her not when I didn't want to hurt her, I pulled a glowing band from my belt then whipped it at Raven. She was fast but not fast enough to dodge my attack, The red band wrapped around Raven sending her rolling on the ground. I walked over to the werewolf which still didn't recover from my last attack then placed a crimson circle on it's chest making it change back to human form. I walked over to Raven who looked more scared then angry and bent down “I'm not going to hurt you or any other monster. This ring absorbs dark energy so that the monster turns back to human form without harming the monster at all.” I said clipping the crimson circle on my belt, The look of anger slowly lifted from her face “I'll let you go before I leave as long as you don't attack me.” I said trying to keep my voice different from when I'm out of my armor but the mask did most of that for me. She nodded and I ran my hand over the band making it disappear and as soon as she was free, She kicked me in the chin knocking me back into a tree.
She jumped to her feet “Your not going to fool me that easily.” She said attacking me again but I appeared behind her with the red bands again, I shook my head as she fell to the ground with the bands holding her. I jumped down to the bottom of the hill then ran half way to the center of the park so that when I came to untie her it would seem believe. I twisted the skull on my chest plate turning the armor back into a pendent before running toward the hill where I just came from, I was there in less then two minutes without breathing hard but I started to gasp as I got to the top of the hill to make it look good. I ran over to Raven “What happened?” I asked in surprise taking a pocket knife from my pocket, Raven shook her head “I got to the center of the park and you weren't there so I figured that you came back here to fight the werewolf.” I nodded faking cutting the ropes because I just had to touch them to make them disappear which I did after a minute or so of sawing, I got the ropes off “That's funny, I came back here for the same reason.” I said after getting the ropes off Raven who got to feet. “Thanks, James.” She said rubbing her wrists “What did you this to you?” I asked feeling kind of bad, She hopped to her feet and cracked her knuckles. “A monster hunter, Humans who use dark energy to hunt and kill monsters. I got here just in time because he was about to kill this werewolf.” She said walking over to check the guy's pulse.
I walked over “Really? But he didn't even do anything did he? Why would they kill him?” I asked throwing the guy on my shoulder “Because not everyone thinks like you,James. Just because they're not doing anything doesn't mean that they're not still monsters.” She answered getting to her feet, I picked the guy off the ground then threw him on my shoulders “Where should I put him?” I asked walking down the side of the hill with Raven “Follow me. The best place to put a werewolf is in the forest.” She said pointing toward the middle of the forest on the other side of the hill, I nodded then ran in the forest and slowly sat him on the ground. I turned around then ran out of the forest back to where Raven was standing “It's done. He should be safe now.” I said walking down the track beside Raven who seemed to be both angry,scared, and curious about why he didn't just finish her off. But little did she know that I was that monster hunter and I never killed any of the monsters that I fought,It's funny how much my life's changed in the past three years.
[Start of Flashback] I was the top student in my school both in grades and sports which meant most of the people at the school hated me because I was beating the jocks at sports and the nerds at tests. I was alone most of the time but I still had a good time. I walked home the same way every day, A old path through the woods. I never had any trouble because everyone in the town knew who I was and I learned quite a few different martial arts on top of everything else. I was about half way home when a beast jumped in front of me “PAY! PAY! YOU PAY!” He screamed slashing at me with its claws, I was scared of monsters back then so I couldn't even move when a man in blue and green armor jumped in it's way taking the blow. He went flying toward a tree when his chest plate all cracked and he was bleeding, I ran over to him “Are you okay?” I asked lifting his arm, He shook his head “Maybe it's time that some new blood stepped in my place.” He said quietly twisting a triangle on his chest and the armor disappeared leaving a old man holding a pendent. “Put this around your neck and press down on the center.” He said weakly, I wasn't sure about this but I did as his asked.
Light started to cover me and my body felt heavier when the light disappeared I was standing there in a black and red armor with a skull on the chest plate “What the?” I said looking at my arms, The monster attacked me but I caught his hand like nothing and threw it back against a tree, Knocking it out cold. I ran back over to the man who was smiling “Looks like I left it in powerful hands.” He said before closing his eyes, I shook his should but his body started to turn to dust. Then I met Lord Gyro who appeared behind me “Who are you?” He asked looking at me then at the dust on the ground “Oh Dear, It finally happened.” He said sadly before clapping his hands together. I was suddenly in a large library with Lord Gyro standing by me “Follow me please.” He said walking toward a closed door, I followed him not knowing what was going on and I almost blacked out when I saw Lord Gyro walk right through the door. I ran behind him and opened the door to saw that I was now standing in a lab “Come here, Kid.” Lord Gyro commanded as I ran to him, I saw a man wearing glasses that had black hair “Welcome to my lab.” he said mixing things in a large bowl.
“Now listen to me. You are a monster hunter, using that armor your speed,strength, and over all everything about you will be super powered along with some powers that you will learn about later along the road. Twist the skull on your armor, James.” He said floating up on top of a table. I did as I was told still confused about what was happening, I twisted the skull then the armor disappeared leaving me wearing a skull pendent. The black-haired man walked over to me lifting the pendent “Amazing, His dark energy for a human is unbelievable. He changed the armor to a much higher level then any of our monster hunters have ever neared.” He said letting go of the pendent and walking back to his desk. Lord Gyro shook his head “Give him the gear, Gary.” He said turning around and jumping down from the table. Gary nodded then handed me the memory bombs along with some other things that I rarely ever used, Lord Gyro told me about what I had to do and how to do it and that's how I became a monster hunter.[End of Flashback]
But in any case, I could barely remember my old and almost normal life, But in truth I really didn't care. In a few days, Lord Gyro would make something up to make my parents believe that another school for advanced students had wanted me. They would let me go then I would be off to another school to live my monster hunting life while my family would be safe and sound. Once Raven and I got to the outside of the park, I started to walk her back home “Oh I forgot to tell you but I have to go to another school in a few days.” I said sticking my hands in my pockets, Raven nodded “Yeah, Same here. But your going to teach me about the human world before each of us go right?” She asked tilting her head to the side.
I nodded while thinking how weird it is that both of us are going to a new school in a few days then answered “Sure, I take you out before we go then teach you about the human world.” I said before we stopped in front of her house, She walked to the door and waved “See you in the morning,James.” She said walking into the house, I waved back before started toward my house.
Last edited by Cramerx on Thu May 12, 2011 4:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Thu May 12, 2011 11:51 am
Redfang18 says...



This is an excellent story. I never read any stories about monster hunters before now. I suggest you write more like this, but also try not to overdo the details. Too much detail can make you lose the reader. Quick question: are there any girls that are monster hunters in this story?
Look down and show some mercy if you can.
Look down, look down, upon your fellow man.

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Thu May 12, 2011 12:25 pm
Cramerx says...



Okay, I'll be sure to do that. Well, I haven't put any in the story just yet but I have some ideas for some female monster hunters that are both his friends and his enemies. Right now, I have another 5,200 words for the story but I'm planning on posting it in a little few.
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Sat May 14, 2011 7:58 am
IKnowAll says...



Great! Loved it, can't wait for more! Being a terrible critic, I don't see anything wrong with it other than a few grammatical errors, things to be rephrased, and the overuse of the phrase "like it was nothing" other than that, it was great!
"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so."
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Sat May 14, 2011 12:16 pm
Apple says...



Well I love monsters and I love hunters so of course I'm going to pick this story to read! Hello, I'm Apple and I'll be your reviewer today.

There was one problem that I found that really took me away from the plot and everything, and well frankly I really didn't want to focus on that problem but that was the only thing on my mind set. Your MC seems to perfect. James seems to fake also with the things that he does and how he relates to the other characters. In fact the weird thing that I found that you did was that your minor characters were more evolved and understandable then James.

To me, James was smart, handesome, to nice and a little bit of a dramatic. Sure I can deal with that but you went a little overboard. Don't worry, I did it to, I probably still do. God modding is a serious problem and it makes many readers angry. If you read some of my earlier work you can see it everywhere, it's just practice that gets you out of it. How do I explain this? James seems to smart firstly. He was able to work out mathematics off the top of his head in a matter of minutes! I don't care if he's good with numbers, I for one have trouble with my times tables and I doubt anyone but a pure genius can relate with James on this aspect.

If you want people liking your MC you have to make him more like the rest of us normal people. Like me. I'm as normal as you can get. Sure, keep the smart aspect but dull it down a bit or maybe make it like he's smart some times then dumb the next...if that even works. Just make sure that in other aspects whether that be looks or personality he has flaws because no one likes a perfect character because no one can relate to them.

Another thing that I found a little weird was that you started the action off a little cheesy.

BOOM!" There was a giant crash outside, The whole class along with the teacher looked out the window. I stared out the window and saw a giant moving stone knocking over trees "Shoot, I really don't feel like fighting an A-senee-ki-wakw (Stone Giant) today.


It sounds like you're just pasting peices together and hoping that they'll fit. I suggest that you go over this peice fully and smooth all the rough edges. Here I'll give you an example with the text from above.

Boom! A chorus of screams jolted around the room making the hairs on my arms raise up on end. That feeling...a monster was in range. My classmates moved past me; someone pushed my books off of my desk as they hurried to the window to get a look at what was ripping up their jungle jim. Some poor kid wasn't going to be building sand castles in the sand pit today! I stood up from my chair, digging my stubby nails into the palms of my hands.

"What is that thing?" someone shouted in alarm.

A shadow fell over the classroom, shrouding every corner with an eerie darkness. I clenched my fists even tighter. Did they always have to appear at the wrong times? I mean seriously. First when I was trying to make my move on some girl and now when I was trying to act like a normal school boy. I staggered back towards the door, my hand instinctively reaching up for the pendant around my neck. From the size of the monster I knew exactly what it was: a stone giant.


I went a little overboard but you get what I'm saying: a normal teenage boy's personality...well as normal as you can get when he's a monster hunter. To tell you the truth I wouldn't even suggest bringing in the monster fight now but this is your story and not mine so it's all up to you. Other then those problems I think that you've done pretty well. I don't do grammar/spelling reviews because to tell you the truth I'm not that good at them myself. There is a thread that you can look at that deals specifically with this, I suggest you take a look-see.

I don't mean to seem harsh if I have, I'm just telling from experience. Everyone's a critic these days, that's just how writer's world turns. In saying all this, I like your idea and I hope you keep writing, I know I'm going to be taking a look at the next chapter.

Good luck,
Apple.
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Tue May 17, 2011 5:48 pm
Dreamwalker says...



Hey there! Walker here, with a review, as requested.

Nit-Picks:

Spoiler! :
"Hi, It's nice to meet you." I said to the teacher shaking his hand.


First off, I'd like to start off on your dialogue punctuation. You end of your dialogue with a period even though you have, 'I said' right afterwards which is wrong punctuation. So, heres a list of examples showing you the proper punctuation for such areas.

ex. "I like you," she said.

When you have the dialogue description as her/him saying such as 'said' 'muttered' 'whispered' 'screamed' and what not, it should always be a comma afterwards even if its a sentence on its own. Dialogue punctuation is tricky but this is one of the basics.

ex. "I like you." she walked towards me.

When you don't have the dialogue description being something that depicts the said person saying, then you have them doing. This doesn't relate to the dialogue in itself so the dialogue should be followed up with a period.

ex. "I like you," she said, "sometimes."

When you take a line of dialogue and cut it in half, you can put the dialogue description between them. In this case, use commas!

ex. "I like you," she walked towards me, "sometimes."

The only time you should ever be able to use commas when you have an action as being the dialogue description, it must be because you cut the sentence in two, like up above!

So hopefully that'll help you when writing later on!

He replied to me, I smiled "No, I'm too much of a trouble-maker in school at least."


Next I would like to note up on quotation spacing. You should never ever have two people having dialogue in one paragraph! They should always be spaced. Always. Its one of the rules of dialogue. So, here you have the teacher talking then your protagonist talking all in the same paragraph. This is wrong. I want you to take it and space it out!

"No, I'm too much of a trouble-maker in school at least." I answered sitting down in my desk, looking at the rest of the class.


Dialogue that doesn't make sense. I'm not quite sure what you were trying to do here, but, unfortunately, you don't get your point across. Is he saying he is a trouble-maker? Is he saying that he has had enough of trouble-making? I'm not quite sure what you're trying to do with this, so something would be better than nothing!

It looked like a normal class; the cheerleaders,jocks,nerds,then the more normal ones.


Not only is the whole 'jock, cheerleader, nerds, and normals seem rather cliche, but your punctuation is absolutely atrocious. In my rules on my WRFF forum, I specifically stated that I wouldn't review pieces with such blatant errors laced through the entirety of the work, but because you asked and you seem to genuinely want to know, I will continue. Just know that if these errors aren't sorted out, I may not review anymore of your pieces until they are.

I didn't get any weird reading from this school so I figure that there should be no problem here so for now I get to rest.


I like to call this the super-sentence. You want to know why? Its because the writer, in haste, decides to try and fit too much into one sentence so it just looks wrong. I want you to slow yourself down and really try to write from the heart instead of speeding through the intro with sentence structures that don't look very nice.

Each sentence should have a purpose. This line has multiple ones. Split it up in the way that it should appear.

"Okay Class, I need you to watch the board. Because this is very complex math."


Static dialogue. I see this is going to be a problem. You start stating the obvious, which isn't very nice to look at. The students don't need to be told to look at the board. They're not five years old. I want you to start thinking of how people actually talk and write in that general manner. This seems silly and juvenile.

"Um, The answer is 54x ^ 7 - 3." I said making everyone gasp loudly including the teacher.


There are always smart kids. This is not gasp-worthy, especially to a teacher.

"Really? Then do this problem." He said writing down another problem just like the first one but with double the numbers


Why would he need proof that this kid is good with numbers? He already got that proof.

I answered without a bit of doubt in my voice, The teacher took about 5 minutes to do this problem


Here you have a spliced comma. A comma should never substitute a period or a semicolon. In this case, you tried to add two different sentences together with a connective piece of punctuation, and that is wrong. Change this, please.

"BOOM!" There was a giant crash outside, The whole class along with the teacher looked out the window.


Um... alright?

"Shoot, I really don't feel like fighting an A-senee-ki-wakw (Stone Giant) today."


Okay so apparently your protagonist is super-strong, super smart, and super obvious. Why does he need to say this out loud, first of all? And why is there brackets in dialogue? Can someone have an inner, outter thought?

I jumped out of my desk then ran out the door


You repeat the word 'out' twice. This creates a redundancy I'm sure you don't want. Try not repeating any words twice in a sentence, nor nouns, verbs, adjectives, and adverbs twice in a paragraph. This will fix any sort of unwanted repetition you may seem to find yourself making.

"Great, Now I'm going to have to get rid of their memory of this and I only just got here."


You are using dialogue to explain yourself. This is not what dialogues mean't for. Dialogue is used to create character developement and makes your characters more believable. Your character, here, is very unrealistic with all the static dialogue you give. Its annoying to read.

I ran to the out to the gate of the schoolyard and jumped the gate coming face to face (so to speak) with the Stone giant.


Never use brackets in first person. We are already getting the inner thoughts of the character because first person is the intimate connection with character. We don't need to see inner, inner thoughts as that doesn't make any sense.

Alright so everything I stated so far is riddled through this piece. I'm going to have to stop there.


Overall:

You've got a lot of potential, but a lot of work to do.

This piece, though original in how you have planned it out, is written without any real diction nor is there proper grammar and punctuation. The spacing was ridiculous, the dialogue descriptions atrocious, and the constant repetition of your wording made it very hard to get through.

I had initially sent you a pm to clean this up but you told me to state what I thought of the storyline. So, here it is bluntly.

Because of your repetition of words and punctuation errors, I couldn't get much of anything on character, other than that this kid of yours is not well-rounded in the least. He has all these super powers and is super strong but has no real character flaws. Just you average super-hero type without the kryptonite that made the story somewhat interesting. Its as boring to read as it is boring to talk about. I don't want to hear about how this guy is super awesome. Thats cool and all but what I want to do is be able to connect with him.

Which brings me to my next point. You chose a tough tensing for this piece. First person is hard. In fact, I find it the most difficult and the most rewarding when it comes to writing. Why is that? Well, because in first person, one must make the character so human, so believable, that no matter the situation or cirumstance, people will always know and or understand that said character. From silly things like 'I really like donuts' to the more subtle character development 'thunder scares the hell out of me'. Everything is beared to the reader. That is why, if you want to keep with this idea, I'm going to need you to really start working on everything.

I want to say that I think you do have a lot of potential, and I'll be there to help you out through the stages of getting better. But, and this is a big but, you need to start somewhere.

So, I'm going to say, start with structure. I want you to go through this and fix all of the grammatical, punctuation, and structural errors you can find. If you can't find all of them, send it my way and I'll fine-comb the piece until there is nothing left to nit-pick. Thats when we'll start working on character, setting, and description, kay?

Everybody starts somewhere. You have the passion to be a writer. I just need to see you working on things that make a story, a story.
~Walker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S
  








*Sad football bagpipes*
— DougalOfBiscuits