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Wyvern



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Thu Apr 14, 2011 2:28 am
silentpages says...



An edited (and really long, XD) version of this story can be found here: topic80454.html

Spoiler! :
For those of you who don't know what a wyvern is... To my understanding, it's got the head of a dragon, body of a snake, and wings... Apparently they often are said to have two legs... But since I didn't know that before. I guess mine don't have legs. Which is also acceptable. I think. XD


The trouble all began when the forest burned.
The drought was all well and good – nature doing what it would – with the sun welcome after such a long period of gloom and mist. The lake that lapped at the village’s heels was expansive and clean, more than large enough to keep the village alive for however long the dry weather lasted.
The forest beyond the ridge, however, suffered greatly. It grew drier and drier with each passing week. Plants wilted. Boughs drooped. Animals accompanied the trees they depended on to death’s door.
We were forbidden to start any fires near the forest and warned that the slightest spark would send the whole thing up in smoke. We listened to the warnings; it wasn’t as if it were an inconvenience. We never went near that forest anyway. Not with the wyvern about.
We’d often seen those scarlet wings, and that blazing red, serpentine shape, slithering through the sky. Queen of the forest. Feared from afar by our grandparents, and their grandparents, and their grandparents before them. That something should live so long seemed a travesty – a mockery of life itself.
We kept well away from the creature’s hunting grounds, spending more of our time in the groves that lined the lake’s shores. The ridge was too steep for the crossing to be worthwhile anyhow.
No… The spark that devoured the wyvern’s forest was not born of human hands, but of lightning, once the dry storms rolled in. Not a drop of rain fell, but the clouds raged, and the wind screamed. They tried their hardest to send us moisture that simply was not there… Or perhaps they had simply tired of the wyvern’s presence in its midst, and had decided to set her upon the humans.
Whatever their motivation was, the lightning was surely the cause of the forest fire that raged beyond the ridge. Ancient trees dissolved into ashes. For the first time in centuries, the land past the ridge appeared flat, unbroken by neither sapling nor shrub. In most cases, the animals that fled in the direction of the ridge found themselves trapped - easy pickings for the village hunters.
But the wyvern was not a simple animal.
At first, we saw no sign of the creature. We wondered if we’d seen the last of those crimson wings. A melancholy hush settled over the village. It was as if an intimidating yet wonderful older sister had suddenly passed away.
But then, one day, a scarlet ‘S’ rose up from the ashes. More like a phoenix than a wyvern. Dozens of people witnessed it; dozens of eyes were fixed on the forest’s wreckage at any given time, in those days. They cried out, and so it came to be that nearly the whole village watched as the creature grew larger and larger in the sky…
Almost the whole village.
I was swimming in the lake. Glorious water enveloped my body and filled my ears, dulling them to the exclamations of the outside world. And how that world must have exclaimed when the wyvern settled down in the village square.
They certainly exclaimed about it later. ‘Those glittering ruby scales.’ ‘Those luminous eyes, like miniature suns.’ But most of all, ‘those red, red curtains of glossy, perfect feathers…’
It seemed that not a single person in the village would be satisfied until I’d heard their account of the matter at least six times.
Perhaps they were simply sorry that I’d never be able to see it clearly for myself, my eyes being as bad as they were. More likely, I gave off the impression that I needed to be convinced. That I needed to have it explained to me over and over again, how I could come back from a swim and find the entire village catering to the every whim of something we’d been warned about for our entire lives.
That isn’t to say that the explanation was a good one. ‘It was beautiful.’ So was the flowering plant that had sprouted a few years earlier, at the edge of the pastures. They’d torn it out of the ground all the same, once it made the livestock sick. Yet this creature had entranced all of them. It ate from their hands, swallowing our best meats whole.
My first impression was that of a smear of red across my vision. Like a smear of blood, right in the midst of all the familiar smudges that were my friends and neighbors. My breath caught in my throat. I felt the way I did when I stayed underwater for too long.
But they all assured me that it was safe. Not just safe, but wonderful[i]. Who [i]knew how the old ones had gotten such a twisted perception of the thing.
Not dangerous. Only different.
Different and wonderful.
I’m not making a joke when I say that I’ve never been one to believe blindly. Even when observing something with my own eyes, I’ll always take a few minutes to really figure out what I’m seeing. It was no surprise, then, that I did not welcome the wyvern with open arms.
I slipped out of the square, a worried feeling settling over me. Something is wrong. This is wrong. I said as much to my family. My neighbors. My friends, my teachers, my leaders. Everyone I’d ever looked up to. Everyone I’d ever despised.
Perhaps the only one who paid any attention was the wyvern herself. I think now that it had a sense of things… Not of words – those were still foreign to her - but of feelings.
A few days after the displaced queen found her new subjects in my village, I had already tired of being around while it ate up my people’s food, time, and attentions. I went where I always went when I was out of sorts.
Underwater, the world made sense. Everything felt the same way that it looked to me. Soft. Not like on land, where fuzzy things turned out to be sharp, and where smears and smudges turned out to be very concrete indeed, and very painful to run into.
Underwater, I did not have to carry the long tree branch I used to find my way. Underwater, I was free.
But that day, it was wrong. That day, I saw a flash of muted red in the corner of my vision. And then I felt a crushing pain against my ribs. Something squeezed me, tighter and tighter, ordering me to gasp at the pain. To struggle. To breathe.
To drown.
My fists flew, but were mostly useless underwater. I found the bottom of the lake and grabbed onto the weeds, the sunken branches, anything. Scraped its ropes of muscle, along with my own body, against the sharp, uneven rocks. My lungs burned. I thought slippery fish thoughts, wriggling and twisting and trying to push the coil down past my hips. Perhaps my only salvation was that I was not the only creature that needed to draw breath in order to live. The coils relaxed, and my legs slipped out of the loops completely. I was free.
Free, and swimming faster than I ever had before. I dragged myself, choking, onto shore. But I couldn’t stop there.
People. I needed people.
In a stroke of luck, I stumbled across my walking stick. I used it to get to my feet and run into the village.
People, people, people.
I was still coughing up water as I staggered into the square. Everyone was still gathered there, laughing. Singing. Dancing. Like it was some kind of festival.
They kept laughing as I made my accusation. They didn’t seem to care that something had just tried to kill me, and that the wyvern was mysteriously absent from its ‘throne’ of all our best cloths and fabrics.
They just kept laughing.
They said that I must have seen it wrong. And they all thought that was even funnier. As if I could mistake ‘a clump of weeds’ for something alive! I didn’t just see it. I felt the scales. The contracting of its muscles. Its feathers had brushed against my back.
I knew what it was.
But they just kept laughing.
Even when the wyvern slithered back into the village from the direction of the lake, cutting a wide path around me on her way back to the throne.
Why had she even tried to catch me alone? It wasn’t like anyone would try to stop her. One flutter of her blood-red wings, and the villagers would probably line up to assist her.
I had to stop it. If the half-blind child was the only one who could see the truth, then so be it. I would be the spark to start the fire. And this time, the blaze would end the wyvern’s life.
There were books in the schoolhouse that I remembered from my younger days. Rumors of legends. Printed down neatly not because the writer expected them to be needed, but because he thought that they made a good story. One worth passing down through the generations.
The only problem was finding someone to read them to me. I could hardly make out the shapes of my own fingers, let alone the words on a page. In the end, I took them to the square, looking for anyone willing to read for me.
My teacher happily obliged. And when he realized that the stories were written about the village’s new pet, or prize, or ruler… Well. They passed the book around, reading in loud, happy voices. The wyvern must have been unable to understand words, or she would have put a stop to it.
Or maybe not. Because even as the villagers read chilling stories about predators wrapped in the guise of beauty, and pale, glowing eyes that could lure prey right into the jaws of beasts…
They did not stop laughing.
They sang. They danced. Completely under her spell. And my own heart sunk lower and lower.

That night, I took the largest knife my family owned from the kitchen.
It was dark in the square, but that hardly mattered; sometimes I closed my eyes as I walked, even in the daytime. It gave me less headaches that way.
I knew I was at the throne when my bare toes touched the soft cloth that should’ve been wrapped around some baby as he slept. Not this monster.
A faint luminescence came from her eyes, even with the creature asleep. Enough light for me to make out that smear of blood.
One quick chop.
And then it was joined by smears of real blood. I couldn’t make out the difference by sight, but I felt the wetness on my fingers – on the wyvern as I grabbed her middle and tried to still her death throes.
I cut off her wings. I don’t truly know why. The creature was already dead…
But I think it was probably because I wanted them all to finally see.
Cut the wings off a wyvern… And it’s just a snake.
I stood trembling. Covered in its blood. The stains will never come off of the cloth.
It was a ridiculous thing to think.
I went to the lake.
And I swam.

The villagers were not happy to be free. When I dripped back into town the next morning, they were angry. Screaming at me. Many of them weeping openly.
I had killed their wyvern and defiled its body. The beauty was lost, and it was all my fault.
They locked me in the dark, damp cell on the far side of the village. Far, far, far away from the lake.
Some wished to give me a death sentence. It didn’t come quite to that. As he locked me away, mere moments ago, my jailer told me to be thankful for the miracle that had swept away some of their anger.
They’d discovered something along with the body. Something that my own eyes had missed in the dark.
The sparse light that had aided me that night had not come from the creature’s eyes.
It had come from the village’s new prize.
Their future queen. Glowing with a radiance meant to lure in prey…
A large, pale egg.
Last edited by silentpages on Thu May 05, 2011 4:14 am, edited 3 times in total.
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)
  





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Thu Apr 14, 2011 5:50 pm
Soulkana says...



Wow that was amazing. Was sitting on the edge of the stage of the school as I read this and almost dropped the laptop in shock and amazement. You did terrific. Good descriptions kept me waiting for more ^^ I can't see any spelling mistakes at this moment but I shall read more thoroughly tonight, when I'm not up in my waist in homework XD. So good luck and Happy Writing!!! I can't wait to learn more of your works.
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Thu Apr 14, 2011 7:58 pm
AmeliaCogin says...



Sorry for the pithy review - a bit pushed for time -got so much revision to get done!
Well, good grief! This was fantastic! I loved it! It was so brilliant and You'll get a huge *like* from me. You've got a very catchy opening - a great hook to keep the reader transfixed! lol. Well done, I can't wait to read more of your work! Keep writing,
~ Amelia
  





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Fri Apr 15, 2011 12:23 am
Stori says...



I hate to rain on your parade, but please don't ever separate a sentence into individual words. It's annoying and childish.
  





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Fri Apr 15, 2011 12:58 am
Daisuki says...



Troublesome villagers... Wha- ? Oh, yes, I LOVED it! I'm not kidding. The villagers and their stupidness just irks me. My stomach lurched when I got to the end. It was like - Oh, shoot. No. Not an egg.

So anyways, I really did enjoy this. It was fantastic and I bet anyone would believe it came from a published book, if they did not know about this awesome website. I really liked the main character, she was so down-to-earth and strong. I loved the description of the monster too, how it looked like a smear of blood to her, all those things really stood out and made the writing even more amazing. I felt I was seeing through her eyes, the world was blurred as she ran with that scarlett shape just ahead. My personal eyesight is terrible when I take off my glasses, and like the main character, everything is a blur and I can only see the main shapes. So I connected especially to that part.

Again, this was really incredible writing. There was a sense of panic and urgency through the whole thing that just really swept me along.
Keep writing, I beg you!
-Dai
Oh, I wish I was punk-rocker with flowers in my hair.
  





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Sun May 01, 2011 8:40 pm
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carbonCore says...



This story reads like a big, great metaphor for something - and I don't mean just the simple theme of "sometimes beautiful things are bad". Hopefully I'll figure out exactly what that something is over the course of writing this review.

First of all, I don't like the title. It doesn't do this story justice. Sometimes, for shorter pieces, it's better to write a title that reflects what the story is, rather than what it's about. Imagine a painting of a swaying willow. What's a better title: "Swaying Willow" or "Winds of Hope"? The second one comes off as silly and pretentious. Now! Now look at this painting. What can you call it? "Broken-up Apartment Buildings Flying With Tornadoes In The Background"? Doesn't work. "An Image of Desperate Hope, Stylistic"? Stupid. "Red Balloon"? We're getting warmer.

To be fair, the artist that painted this never titled any of his works. Also, he hated any sort of analysis of his paintings, telling people that there is no greater meaning behind them. Unfortunately, literature doesn't work like that. There IS a meaning in this story, and it DOES need a better title. But, being the jerk that I am, I'll leave making a new title up to you.

After blowing two paragraphs on the title alone, I think it's about time we took a look at the actual story.

The main character is an interesting little cupcake, though just a little bit clichéd. "Blind / otherwise disabled person seeing better than other people" is not trodden earth; it's earth that has been trodden, danced upon, purified with fire and acid, exploded with a nuclear bomb, and then peed on for good measure. But even clichéd premises can be good, all that matters is the execution (after all, we knew that Frodo would eventually get to Mt. Doom and dispose of the evil ring once and for all. What mattered was the journey, not the end). And the execution is wonderful.

The obvious thing to do in a story like this is to look at it from the point of view of the main character, cement "Wyvern is bad, Blindy is good" in your brain, and review with those opinions counting as facts. But that's just not how I roll. ;) So let's take a look at this from the other side.

This village has lived for a very long time fearing the wyvern's attack. One day the wyvern shows up, its homeland desecrated by an unfortunate act of God(s), wanting provision from the village. A reasonable progression; why would the wyvern do anything else? What, it's too proud to take food from those pathetic humans? Please. This is just a stupid animal.

The village folk don't mind this at all. In fact, they love it! The wyvern sits in the middle of their village, the villagers sit around the wyvern in a circle, drooling like idiots, with smiles like newborn children. And really, the wyvern doesn't abuse its position! It eats and sits there. It doesn't demand beautiful virgins, it doesn't burn villagers with hellfire for looking at it wrong, it doesn't (apparently) eat more than it needs. And the villagers just couldn't be happier. They found a reason to exist, after all.

Then some blind jerkass comes along and kills it. The villagers are devastated, but they hold off the execution because it's not Blindy's fault for not seeing the beauty that is the wyvern. In fact, they are overjoyed when they find that the wyvern had an egg - sadly, for the wrong reasons. When the new wyvern hatches, they'll spoil it, and eventually it will consume them, wanting more and more. Its mother was old and only took what it needed, but the youngling will get used to royal treatment.

Wow, Blindy suddenly seems like a villain, doesn't he/she?

Who cares about progressing and building bigger towns and overall being useful? The important thing is to die happy. Blindy took this from the villagers, and what they have now will likely destroy them in the end.

Yours was an interesting story to think about. There are a few things I would change, but I won't go into them, as everything is pretty good as it is. Other than the title, any criticism I might have would only be personal opinion, and is therefore unfit for this review. Well done.

Your wyvern,
cC
_
  





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Mon May 02, 2011 9:32 pm
freewritersavvy says...



Very well done I found this very interesting!

Keep writing!
~FW~
http://www.isiseiyr.com
~When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world. ~ George Carver

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Tue May 03, 2011 7:33 am
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Lava says...



Hola!

Thanks for the request and goo CSI! :D

So, first off, brilliant. Just brilliant! And forgive me if I repeat some of cC's comments, because honestly I felt like there was this theme in there waiting to come out and that was great execution. And I liked how you showed us his mind, even if not intentionally/subtly. It was a good psycho work as well. :P
So, plot wise, I'd say no qualms really.

Does feared from afar mean they are terrified of her of terrified of her seeming immortality and her beauty? Because at first I thought the wyvern would be a human munching thing that scares the villagers crazy. And then, the sudden shift of the younger/not older villagers is very er... poignant in terms of the hiding theme but I'm not sure how, you could figure out some better way of getting this across. I mean, I don't know what I'm saying here, but it's something like maybe a little rationale on their sudden change of thought? Not like 'I don't know why the oldies thought like that' but more subtly?
Also; here, it's like when your MC talks about what they said, it all seems to have the same 'voice.' Like all the villagers including him think alike.

Personally, I'm not fond of ellipses. And where you've used them here, I think your story would do perfectly well without them. Because in my head, ellipses are great when they're used at the right places. Other wise, it seems like the story's trying ot be dramatic. I notice a couple of places in your story with ellipses and I'd say chop them off.

Not quite fond of having "To drown." placed so ominously in the next line. Same thing with the "I knew what it was." Thing is, try not to put so many one liners. It sounds very ta-da ominous and too many of it can ruin the story's voice.

Another thing is I like the descriptions of red. It's wonderful to read. But maybe a little more insight on his view of the red. How does he know the red smear? It might have as well been blue. Or is him thinking of red an allusion to his neural network?

As for the title, while Wyvern is an improvement to the previous, I think something more metaphorical would do this story justice. Like what cC said about the painting.

Overall, great stuff.
Cheers,
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  





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Tue May 10, 2011 8:10 pm
silentwords says...



This was a really interesting story. I loved the way you ended off! I will be honest, that the beginning was a little slow for me. However, the middle (especially when the narrator was first being attacked by the wyvern in the water) was when it really picked up and got interesting. I thought that you described everything beautifully and your word choice/vocab was great. There were no grammatical errors that I could find. However, I thought that you italized too many words. In most cases I agree that it was benefical and needed, but in some parts I thought it was a little excessive. Most sentences seem to have a word in italics. Also, I was a little confused about the narrator. Is there any reason why he/she is blind and needs a walking stick to walk? I guess it doesn't really matter, I was just curious. Also, what is the general age and gender? (sorry if that was in the story, then I must have just missed it)
Anyways, I would maybe try to make these a little clearer.
Overall, this was really well-written! It was a very interesting and unique story :)
I'd like to think I'm creative... instead of just plain weird ;D
  








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