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Story Eight- The Pain I



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Thu Mar 24, 2011 2:31 pm
Riveneye says...



Hmmm looking through manuscript and I'm not sure if this is story number eight or nine. Gosh I gotta stop putting them up outta order. (Note: This is probably my longest short story so far so hang on)




The pain I bear
My body seemed to convulse as I was rudely awakened. Painfully I removed a paper airplane from my nose. After I was sure my nose wasn’t bleeding I looked to the person sitting next to me in math class. His slightly long brown hair shaded his light green eyes as the danced with excitement. I could barely make out the words don’t fall asleep as mouthed them.
Ignoring his warning I nestled my head back onto my desk. I nearly jumped out of my seat as the book in front of me hit the desk. Slam!!! I knew I was in for it when the old bird woman of a teacher started striding towards me. “Clay Parker if you fall asleep one more time it’s straight to the principal’s office.” I sighed with relief as she let me go. I made sure to whisper to the kid next to me before concentrating. “Thanks a lot Chris.”
Not wanting to get yelled at again I focused on algebra. I knew I wasn’t going to have a good grade for my work. The minute the bell rung I didn’t care anymore. I power walked as fast as I could to my locker and tore out my backpack. I shut my locker and nodded to Chris whose locker next to mine. “You ready.” He smiled back and shut his locker. “You bet.” It was time for soccer practice.
Joyously, I ran onto the field and limbered up. So what if I hated the loudmouth coach. I loved the sport and this was better than being bored in math. Even if it took a little physical effort. “Let’s hustle with those laps ladies” I tried to shrug the coaches threats off as my breathing increased. Okay maybe a little more effort then I let on. Of course soccer in high school was a little more of a pain then being middle school or peewee soccer.
Our coach had a reason for pushing us so hard for once. With the semifinals next week our team needed to work right. I felt confident, with myself and Chris that is. For once I was excited to get to our neighborhood when practice was over. Strangely I was unscathed from practice save the odd bruise. It life was good though today. I had a party tonight, and the game was over the weekend. Ah the weekend sweet release from the reign of teachers. It wouldn’t last long but I was planning to have some fun during this party.
“Hey do I have to shove another paper airplane up your nose. Snap out of it!” Irritated, I push Chris away as he stepped on my feet and tried to snap me out of my fantasy. “Could you leave me alone when I’m thinking?” Chris shrugged and walked off towards our bikes. “Fine just don’t fall asleep. “Come on let’s get home. We’ve got some stuff to get ready for tonight don’t we?” I looked around and realized the field was empty. I must really have been out of it to not notice practice was long over.
So I unhooked my bike from the rack and started pedaling after Chris. I yelped as my leg scratched against my foot pedal. “Uggh darnit that’s the third time this week.” Skidding to a stop I looked down at the back of my leg. Blood trickled down from underneath the scraped skin. I rubbed furiously at the scrape trying to ignore the pain. It may not have looked it but it hurt a lot more than it seemed. I groaned when Chris pulled up beside me. I didn’t think he would pass up an opportunity to tease me. To my surprise he was rather concerned for once.
“Not again. How many times are you going to fall off your bike in a week? Well I think you should be fine let’s hurry up and get home.” I winced as he tapped my leg and got on his bike. I smiled briefly when I got on my bike and heard Chris mumble rather loudly under his breath. He was bent over his handle bars touching a scrape on his bike. “I guess I’m not the only klutz.” A small smile flickered across his face. “Yeah I guess not.”
I ushered him to the couch when we got home. I handed him a bandage as he wiped blood off his leg. Strangely, he pushed the bandage away and stood up. “Keep the bandage it’s not going to do me any good.” I tore the wrapper off and forced it on him. “Just take it man you’re bleeding on the carpet.” Reluctantly he took the bandaged from me and pasted it to the scrape. Obviously, feeling a bit more chipper he got up off the couch and clapped his hands together. “Well let’s get to it. We got a party to put together.”
It was nice to see Chris happier. Having him sad depressed me. Much to our relief the house was in good shape as far as cleaning went. This left us with the menial tasks and gathering supplies. My mom also had pitched in by doing the catering. We started with the music. Chris and I split up to find the things quickly. While I perused my cd’s, Chris started setting a stereo up with my Mp3 player.
Though a seemingly easy task, finding the disks turned out to be harder than Chris’s job. In fact Chris was finished wiring the speaker and player in less than fifteen minutes. Chris most likely was fed up with waiting as he came in to check on my progress. “It doesn’t take this long to find some discs on a giant shelf.” He said. I shrugged and tossed him a cd. “You try finding the music everyone likes. I should just dump the whole shelf.”
Chris caught the cd and started thumbing through cd’s. He pointed out of the door towards my room. As I stalked off I could hear him shouting. “Just go get your guitar. You can play all kinds of with that.” Why did everyone want me to get my guitar? Of course I loved to show off and I loved to play. It was kind of embarrassing to play in front of a bunch of people. Wasn’t this supposed to be my birthday? Once I had my acoustic plugged in, I doubled check the cords on the game console.
Chris laughed at my slowness as he set up the bean bag chairs while I slowly set up. I finally caught up with him outside at the pool. The sounds of air hissing and running water drifted close to our porch as Chris blew up floatables and I filled the pool. He once again beat me with filling the pool toys with air. This wasn’t all that bad. I got to float around our giant in ground pool while it was filling.
When the pool was finished I reattached the hose. Unfortunately, I was oblivious to most sound like the high pitch whistle from the porch screen. Luckily Chris heard and threw a beach ball so it tapped me in the head. Once he got my attention he motioned towards my mom standing on the deck. Quickly, I ran across the lawn and up the stairs. A warm smile was pasted on my mom’s face when I tromped up the last few steps. She started with her annual lecture right away. “Now make sure not to break anything and make a mess. You know where we’ll be should you need something.”

I gave her a quick hug and thanked her. It made me really happy that she was taking all of my siblings to the neighbor’s house. Chris and I retreated to the house and flopped on the couch to wait. Silence drifted like a fog throughout the house after my family had left. Ringing filled my ears as I stared at the ceiling. “This is really going to be something huh.” I finally spoke. Chris rolled over on the couch and sighed in contemplation. “Yeah with 15 or so people it’s going to be fun. This will probably be the last time I see something this great.”
I resumed my ceiling watching after shooting my brief argument. “Nah there’s always college and our senior year.” There was something about the emotions that flashed in Chris’ eyes. Something mysterious that I couldn’t quite read. Pity, sadness, anguish, none of which expressed his usual joy. That much I could tell. The gentle click of the door knob being turned ruptured the silence of the room. Following the door opening, soft clicks came from the floor as someone walked down the hallway. Using my rather keen and humble power of observation I knew what it was.
I spoke in the direction of the hall as the footsteps drew closer. “Why don’t you knock like everyone else?” The figure slipped out of the shadows of the hall and slid into the sunlight of the living room. My heartbeat quickened as I looked at “her” in the light. Long silky locks of auburn hair dangled at her pale shoulder’s length and seemed to undulate as she walked. Tattered light blue denim scrunched up on her slender legs as she climbed onto a pile of pillows near Chris. She caressed her hair before pulling it up out of her eyes.
At a glance they were as dark as obsidian. Upon closer inspection it came to light that her irises were hazel not black. They seemed to sparkle in the light as the watch the ceiling fan. One thing that was in fact obsidian was the small quarter sized stone in her necklace. The small necklace entranced me as it dangled on her green shirt collar when she turned her head. She must not have noticed my staring because she kept staring at the ceiling or wall while she talked. “Why do I not knock? Why don’t you lock your door?”
I had to admit she had me there. We didn’t often lock the doors when we expected company. Chris saved me from my momentarily burn. “Clay this is Morgan. I know her parents well. She’s knew to the neighborhood and to our school so I thought know would be a good time to get her introduced. You don’t mind do you?” My face lit up like Christmas lights. The response was instant. “Sure I don’t mind” I said. I leaned over and whisper to Chris before going to answer a knock on the door. “She’s my age right.” He nodded back.
I flashed my famous Clay Parker smile at her as I became my own butler. Eventually, I shortened my greeting down to a few phrases. “Welcome, Thanks for coming, Have fun and set it on the table.” I knew everyone was here when I had trouble seeing the floor. I finally pushed my way to my stand which was actually a folding chair. Standing up on the chair I had to scream to be heard over the ceaseless chatter. “Hey guys. Listen up I’m glad you guys all came however I don’t really have a schedule. So you can do whatever you want. Just make sure to stay in the main area of the house and outside.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t as a chaotic plan as Chris originally said it would be. People ate, people swam, and life was good. Aimlessly, I wandered around the room talking to people till Chris pulled me towards the screen door. He threw his shirt onto one of the railings of the deck and raced towards the pool. “Come on.” Due to my clumsiness I walked to the pool instead of running. As with all walking it took longer but people wished me luck along my journey. Not wanting my clothes to get wet I took caution and hung my shirt, pants, and shoes on a rail.
Chris waved to me from the other end of the pool. It almost seemed urgent so I jumped in his direction. Chlorine in the water stung my open eyes as I looked a people’s feet while swimming. Gasping for air, I surfaced a few feet from Chris. Air flowed fresh into my lungs with multiple breaths while rubbing my eyes. “So now what?” I said. His hands skimmed against the water making small waves. “We wait for her.” Chris said. “Who are we waiting for?”
My voice weakened when I saw “her” first. She strode across the lawn in such an elegant fashion. A faint smirk played across those rosy lips. It was almost like she knew she was killing me. So much for me thinking she would be shy. That beautiful necklace still adorned her neck and dangled on the top half of her black two piece.
When entering the water she was even slower than me. She at close to the edge silently slipped into the water. The water barely rippled as she moved. I lost sight of her shadowlike figure for a second till I felt a tap on my shoulder. Surprised I flipped around to find her face just inches from mind.
I could feel my face turning red as I started to stutter. “Wow you sure are quick in the water. So are you having a good time.” Morgan smiled a little and leaned against the pool wall. “Yeah I’m having fun thanks for inviting me you two.” She said. Chris and I both answered in unison. “That’s good.” Without warning I dove under water spinning in a circle before coming to the surface. It was hard to take my eyes of her. It wasn’t even lust. She just looked so beautiful.
A solid thump to the head threw me out of the trance. Half angered I grabbed the volleyball that had pelted me and threw it out of the pool. Chris, Morgan and a few others were grouped around the ladder out of the pool. The eldest of the group who had thrown the ball, Dan, spoke above the sound of water splashing. “Hey Clay go get your guitar some of us haven’t heard you play yet.” I pulled myself out of the water and toweled off. “You don’t really want to hear me play do you?” I teased. Several people answered enthusiastically. “Yes we do hurry up and go get it!” Though I pretended not to show it, I was more than happy to oblige.
With dry hands I gently plucked my guitar from its stand. As well as taking a pick out of a jar on the floor. The whole yard seemed to silence as I walked on the deck. I almost panicked for a second. What was I supposed to play? Looking over the balcony Morgan was the first thing that caught my eye. Now was a good as time as any to try my hand at improvising music. Everyone seemed to lean forward as I raised my pick over the strings.
A sweet twanging sound resounded across the yard as my hand fell. I like what I heard so far so I randomly played a few chords together. It still wasn’t quite what I was looking for so I picked out a few more notes before launching into a rhythm. It wasn’t long before people were swaying with the sound. Knowing I had found it I started humming softly to the notes. I stopped abruptly stood up. “Sorry everyone but I’m going to have to play something I actually know so hold on.” I said.
Sitting back down I ran my fingers over the guitar frets softly strumming until I reach the actual lyrics. It had been a while since I’d sung so I hoped my voice hadn’t totally changed. Much to my relief I still had a nice ringing baritone. “Summer’s slowly drawing to a close. My goals are left behind in the dust. Yeah summer’s ending that’s how it goes. It’s no different.” I finished the first line with a smile though it sounded sad. Coming up the stairs a second sweet female voice joined me as I started the second line. To my joy it was Morgan. She pushed her hair up as she continued singing with me.
“Tree’s leaves are falling. School starts soon for kids. Now it’s cold to you I’m crawling. Yes it’s fall.” I had lost control of my mind. My hands and lips felt like they were moving on their own. My favorite part of the song was when we sung “I want to spend all of the seasons with you.” Morgan was right next to me and with all of the people there it felt awesome. I remember singing a few more songs with her but eventually in the evening I must have fallen asleep.
I woke up with a shiver and drew a blanket closer. Slowly I opened first one eye then the other. Where was I and how did I get covered in a blanket. A lone mosquito threatened to bite but was quickly silenced by my vengeful hand. The realization hit me that I was still on our deck in a lawn chair. The guitar was still in hand. It felt like it was frozen. Bright light flooded the deck as the lights came on. A voice from behind almost made me fallout of my chair. “Are you finally up?”
About the time my heartbeat slowed down Chris walked over to me. From the look of it he had been sitting on the deck for awhile. Yawning, I sluggishly responded. “Yeah I’m up I must have fallen asleep as people were leaving.” He shook his head with mock pity. “Yes that’s exactly what happened. You missed Morgan covering you up with a blanket and ruffling your hair like a little kid.” I gasped and played along. “Alright, I’ll never wash this blanket or hair again.”
Chris laughed and playfully punched my shoulder. “Come on let’s get inside before we freeze. We should get some sleep we got the game tomorrow. Morgan will be there to watch too.” Willingly I followed him into the house. Tomorrow was going to be something.
“Mmm something smells good.” I muttered to myself groggily. Wisps of cooking food drifted up my nostrils pulling me off the couch and onto the floor. Any pain I felt was only momentary as my legs carried me to the kitchen. Still not fully awake I planted myself ungracefully on a kitchen chair. All of my weight hit the chair at a angle almost tipping the chair over. Right on cue Chris kept me from tipping with his foot. I smiled a little and manage to utter a few words. “Thanks, nice save.”
Breakfast time was awkward that morning. Looking back I’m not surprised. Chris had gotten up before me and made a rather pleasant breakfast of eggs and sausage. His talkativeness had diminished and his eyes lacked their joyful sheen. I didn’t think anything of it because of my food in front of me. Besides he was probably just tired. I did begin to get concerned when we got on our bikes and he still was quiet. There was only one way to get him talking and that was to talk to him. So I casually started up a conversation while trying to watch the road.
“So that was some party last night huh.” Chris looked up from the ground as if noticing me for the first time. “Yeah it was great.” He said. I hurried to think of more to talk about now that I had him. “Do you think we’ll win today?” He nodded and answered sullenly. “I think we can win. I’m sure you’ll play great.” That was it today he was just being depressing. I couldn’t help myself anymore. “Chris what is wrong with you.” I burst out. “Sometimes lately you’ve been acting so weird.”
He looked hesitant at first but finally he succumbed and gave that always annoying answer. "You wouldn’t understand.” This sent me over the edge. I hated not getting answers. “What do you mean I won’t understand? I’ve know you for like 15 years.” I stopped and turned to look at him in the face. His eyes suddenly grew large. He pointed to my left and scream for the first time in a long time. “Look out!”
“What are you talking about?” I snapped. No sooner had I yelled a black sedan ran up the curb and collided with me. I had always wondered what it felt like to get hit by a car. Now I no longer wanted to know. I screamed as my backbone made a horrific crunching sound. Streams of blood trickled down my legs as the car backed up so my body hit the ground. Staring helplessly I watched as it drove off half a block before bursting into flame. This of course severely damaging the buildings around it. Luckily for everyone else the streets were empty.
I wanted to move so badly. My legs just wouldn’t listen. Pathetically I lay there, tears flowing down my face and sobbing though it no longer hurt. I couldn’t even move my arm to wipe away the tears as Chris knelt next to me. Just looking at his face filled me with rage. How I wanted to wipe that stupid smile of his face. What was so happy about this? Calmly he closed his eyes and placed his hands on my chest.
Normally, I would have made some sharp comment but his glowing hands had a silencing effect. Brighter and brighter the light grew until it exploded into a bright flash. I yelled in surprise as the light blinded me. Just as soon as it had started, the light faded away. Much to my amazement I was back on my feet. Happiness however faded like the light when I saw Chris lying in my place. What was going on? He hadn’t gotten hit by a car. Cuts and broken limbs said otherwise.
Crimson blood spattered from his mouth as he coughed and tried to sit up. Quickly, I rushed to his side. Though he no longer moved he put effort into talking. “Well if you haven’t figured it out now you’re pretty dense.” I smiled faintly and wiped at the tears still dripping down my face. “Listen I’m fading and there’s a lot I need to explain. You wonder why I’m like this. Wonder why I’m always like this? Because I have to take away your pain. It’s my joy and my curse.”
I still didn’t understand what he was talking about. “What do you mean?” He’s smile widened though he winched as it pained him so. “You really are ignorant.” He said. “My family is cursed but not by blood. When a special being that contains this curse dies after its lifespan of fifteen years it passes on its powers and its curse.” I was beginning to get impatient with Chris talking in circles. “Yes but what is this curse and how did you get it.”
Chris coughed again and I struggled to keep his head up. Once he got his breathing under control he continued. “I’ve already told you and you’ve seen. The power is that I can take away peoples pains and injuries. My curse then inflicts them upon me. It’s a trade off. I got cursed when I was a baby with my mom and dad. Some other family or something passed it on to us. However the curse can be broken to some extent during the third generation. Taking this final pain from you has pushed my body a week further to the point where I should’ve died because of the curse. So since I will be dying in a few minutes at least I went out in style sort of. Come on quit crying you look like a little kid. Hasn’t anyone told you it’s disrespectful to cry for a dead person?”
I couldn’t help it. Not only was my mind spinning from all of this information but Chris….. Chris was dying. I bent my head down in shame as the tears trickled down my face and my body trembled. Ever so gently I felt two of his fingers push my head up. For the first time in days his green eyes danced with joy. Their happiness for this act of brotherly love shone brighter than ever. He began exhaling faster speaking a final few phrases. “My final gift to you this ring. Relax I’ll be with you in spirit. I couldn’t have thought of a better person to save or pass on to.” I bit my quavering lip as his body convulsed and he exhaled one long last breath.
How his breath lay suspended in air in the middle of seventy degree weather I’ll never know. Though I didn’t pay much attention to it until it took on took on the shape if a person. Almost like a snake it maintained it shape as it drifted toward my body. Finally it stopped above me. I cringed as it plunged itself into my body. I gulped and looked around for some trace of the misty figure or Chris. Both nowhere to be see. Wait what was this. Upon closer inspection on the ground where Chris had lay was a gold banded ring with obsidian colored stone set in it.
Slowly, I slipped the ring onto my finger and held it up to the sun. A bright flash made me close my eyes to narrowly avoid being blinded. Cautiousness kept me from opening both eyes too soon. When both had fully opened the light was normal. I looked at the ring again in new light. Now the stone was a citrine. “Well would you look at that it’s my birthstone. Aggh!” Both hands clasped my head as an annoying ringing filled my ears. Suddenly the painful ringing stopped and a soothing familiar voice filled my head. “Well done Clay! You’re the third generation now with a broken curse.” The voice dissipated leaving me in despair. “Wait come back.” I shouted to no one in particular.
Mixed feelings wracked my body as I got back on my bike. It seemed foolish that after all that had happened today that I still was going to the game. Maybe it would relieve some of my pent up frustration. Thanks to the all that had happened I got there right at half time. Everyone looked kind of defeated when I got there.
Coach singled me out right away from the way I carried my bike. “What took you so long? Dan messed up his leg a little while ago and since then we’ve been losing pretty bad.” I shrugged sheepishly only think of a lame reply. “Sorry it took so long. I wrecked my bike and Chris couldn’t come since he was sick. I’ll be back in a minute I’m going to go check on Dan.
I already had an idea in mind. Blazing a trail through lawn chairs and ice coolers I soon found Dan. He lay propped up in the grass with an icepack on his ankle. Downcast instantly turned to hope as I neared him. “Great now that you’re here we can turn this game around.” He said. I half-heartedly smiled and bent over his leg. “What are you doing?” He asked curiously. I looked up for a moment while putting my hand on his leg. “You’ll see.”
Looking back at his leg I pretended to massage his ankle while power poured out of my arm. Unfamiliar joy and pleasure coursed through my body as this invisible flame burned. Was this what getting high or adrenaline without drugs felt like? All of a sudden the power just stopped. Dan’s eyes widened and he hopped back up testing the leg. His face beamed with amazement and he started talking. “What was that? It was awesome and it fixed my leg up. Let’s go get back in the game.”
Trying to slow him down I made a cross with my hands and whispered instead of yelling. “Okay but don’t go around blabbing to everyone. It’s some new… Sports medicine. Yeah that’s right I’m working with some sports therapy stuff. I’m not an expert in it yet so don’t go telling everyone.” He seemed to agree. I stood up and gasped as my legs buckled under me.
Immediately, Dan rushed to my side. “What’s wrong?” He said. I lay down and massaged my ankle. Scorn at being tricked filled my head. Chris said the curse was gone. “It’s alright I just hurt my leg when I wrecked my bike on the way here.” I said. Dan thought for a moment then snapped his fingers with realization. “Hey can’t you just use some of that sports medicine stuff on yourself.” He said. I shook my head in disagreement. “No I can only use it on others. You get out there and get us even. It’s your turn to be the star player now.”
Like all of man he didn’t need to be told twice for a shot at glory. I couldn’t shake the haunting thoughts as the game continued. I hid my face in my lap as I tried to sort out my thoughts. Why was I getting injured if curse was broken? Would I end up the same as Chris eventually? Did Chris know this would happen? Wispy warmth on the wind brushed against my naked neck setting a trickle of feeling around my collar. Hushed breaths echoed in the silent halls of my mind urging me lay down. Meekly, I lay with my shattered spirits back on the ground.
Now the breathing fell upon my face. A thin pale hand gently pulled back my hood. “What are you doing dead to the fans?” Morgan said. It wasn’t like I was going to dignify that with a response. But she didn’t give any chance to respond. One of those lithe fingers slid down on my hood and stopped on my lips. My heartbeat quickened again. This time it seemed almost creepy. She hushed me though I hadn’t spoken. “Shhh! It doesn’t matter. I could see what you did to Dan’s leg.” I shrugged coolly. “So, a massage therapist could have done the same.”
Her eyes flashed making me delve into my partially photographic memory. “Oh cut the act. You didn’t use any of that medicine crud. I can see your aura. Yours isn’t as bright as Chris though. That was it! The memory had surfaced. Like Chris her eyes were now green. Totally unrelated but her necklace was now yellow stoned. I thought for a second trying to word my sentences carefully. Trying to come up with another lame lie. “So you and Chris had the same thing.” I smiled happily trying hard. She laughed and her eyes danced with mirth. It was nice to hear her laugh. Good to hear someone laugh.
“Wow you really are as dull as Chris said.” She said. Those words stung more than a whack of burning nettle in my face. Especially coming from Morgan. Her words rung true though. I had been an idiot to not notice Chris’s pain. I wiped my runny nose on my sleeve started talking. “Answer a question for me now. What’s third generation and are you one like me.”
She hesitated trying to find words. Letting out a long sigh she ran her fingers through her hair while speaking. “Chris really is a bother. He didn’t tell you much did he? Just like him to force all this on me. Well let’s start with what you do know. As you now know you are a 3rd Generation curse bearer because of Chris. Now here’s some new stuff. The curse as you know isn’t completely broken. If we try to heal smaller wounds the pain is returned. However we can take larger injuries without the recoil.”
I shook my head in disbelief trying to soak it up. This was way too much for one day. “So how did the curse originate.” Morgan winked in glee of her secret. “Sorry can’t tell you. You’ll find out soon though if you look. I’ll tell you something though the reason 3rd Generation hasn’t been reached until now is because all of the other second Generations passing down. The trading of their powers only works when individual is close. For some reason all of the bodies they passed the curse onto rejected it killing the receiver.” I thought for a second. That made sense Chris and I had known each other for a sec.
Another question popped into my head thinking about this. “So then how are you able to get the curse. Chris just met you.” She threw back her hair. “Wrong I was kept hidden for awhile. I’m his sister. Our parents kept me safe. Otherwise they would have no host. So technically I’m a 3.5 generation. I’m glad Chris picked you though. I might get lonely.” I blushed trying not to babble like an idiot as I answered. “What are you talking about? She leaned closer in almost talking in a whisper. “We’re both immortal.” I smiled as she gentle slid her hand ontop of mind.
Almost instantly I calmed down and gently took hold of it. “Well that won’t be so bad. Us and all of our children immortal sounds okay. That has to be one of the best parts about this curse. Guess the only curse for you is having an idiot. I stared up at the sunset sky. The game was over and everyone was gone. It didn’t matter I wasn’t going right now.
A little familiar voice droned inside my head. “ So are you gonna kiss her.” It all made sense now. I just had to think to talk to him. “So you really are with me in spirit. Anyway maybe later. Now be quiet.” Chris sighed with mock sadness. “Well I know when I’m not wanted. You know where to find me.” Chris left me staring at the sky and breathing deeply the perfumed air.

Chris walked calmly down the brown cobblestone path. Humming an eerie tune, his eyes were on the ground. Suddenly a friendly voice caused him to look up. “Long time no see Chris. So you’ve finally come back to our little band.” Chris’ eyes danced brighter than ever. “Ahh it’s good to see you again Seth.” Seth shrugged as his light blonde hair stood out amongst his crimson armor. “Hurry up let’s join the rest of the group. You can see your other friend later. Besides let him figure out what is in store. He’ll be fine he’s got that girl that’s part of Karen’s old self and he’s got part of you.” Chris smiled. “Yeah your right. Let’s go then I’ve been dieing to see a Kamilia.” Seth started walking down the endless path with Chris following nimbly behind. One thought curiously bubbled towards the top of Chris’s brain. Automatically he tried to tell Clay with telepathy. “We who feel no pain take away others pain so that we may feel it. This pain reminds us that we are still human. It is through pain that we may grow stronger. That is our curse. That we cannot continue to grow stronger naturally through our pains and trials.
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Sun Mar 27, 2011 4:17 am
Apple says...



So, you probably don't know me because I've been off of YWS for a while now and I still am but -- I don't think you want to hear my life story, so I'm here to review this very long peice for you. The first thing that struck me when reading this was how you worded your text.

Show, do not tell.

That was the biggest problem of this piece. I found that even though your MC was interesting, I kept on thinking that I'm being told their reactions, not hearing what the character has to say. Don't worry, I know how it feels and I know how hard it is to do, but I have some ways around all the sticky areas.

Advice from writers everywhere will tell you the same thing: base the character off of someone you know, or yourself. They don't have to look like you or have your name (because that is a little conceited), they just have to have the little voice inside your head. I can see that you're trying to apply it into your writing though somehow it's just no coming through. Here is an example of what I would do.

My body seemed to convulse as I was rudely awakened. Painfully I removed a paper airplane from my nose. After I was sure my nose wasn’t bleeding I looked to the person sitting next to me in math class. His slightly long brown hair shaded his light green eyes as the danced with excitement. I could barely make out the words don’t fall asleep as mouthed them.


Dammit! I jumped as something sharp hit the side of my nose. Damn Chris, I shot him a dirty look as I swiped the paper plane away from face. The man himself, Chris, kicked at my leg, his large, green eyes open widely as if he were a deer caught in the headlights of a truck. What was his problem; didn't he know that waking someonewas rude? Even if I was sitting in class, what gave him the right to scare the living day lights out of me?

Now I went a little overboard but do you get where I am coming from. Your writing is good, don't get me wrong but little tweaks can easily make your character sing. What I would suggest, like I usually do, is that you go through and add little bits of the MC's thoughts into your writing. (For example [the area shaded in blue]: Damn Chris, I shot him a dirty look as I swiped the paper plane away from face.) I mean what would you do if a paper plane was thrown at you? I'd do a little more then check for blood; possibly throw the whole desk at my friend.

Nonetheless this is still a very good peice. I find that your writing is extremely good though you tend to exaggerate the point a little to much. Yes, it is good but saying: 'the flower's ruffled petals were a deep shade of sapphire, with a hint of lilac around the edges,' is a little too much. We get it already, the flower is blue. Keep your description in there but do not go overboard because it just blows away the whole scene.

Oh and I didn't mention this at the beginning but I do not do grammar/spelling critiques because I find that they don't teach the writer anything. But as I mention, well used to, to all the people I review: your grammar is not perfect (I can't say mine is either), and I suggest you go to a forum, I can't remember actually which one, and read about commas. It will really help you. And if you're too lazy to, then just read your story aloud and where ever you have to take a breather, just slap a comma in. Or a semi-colon. Or a full stop. You know what, just check out the thread.

Good luck with your writing, I really enjoyed this.

Apple.
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Sun Mar 27, 2011 4:32 am
Idraax says...



I liked this in the beginning, but then I got confused. In the middle it took a sudden turn and became fantasy. There wasn't really a hint of fantasy in it before the car accident, it felt more like a slice of life story to me. Also, this didn't really have any background information. What exactly is the 3rd generation? I didn't understand the explanation given. I know this is part of a larger story, so perhaps explain it more clearly in the next part? Also the transition from the other guy (I don't remember if you gave us his name...) and Chris could be a little more clearer. I got a little disoriented. Sorry, it's late for me, so I probably didn't help much...Keep going though, I'm interested.
Check these out please! :)
Alezrani
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Sat Apr 09, 2011 9:45 pm
Sins says...



Me again. ^^

H'okay, so I like this. It's definitely interesting, and I have to say that out of this piece and the other one I reviewed for you, this is probably my favourite. This is more like the kind of thing I like to read, so that may have something to do with it though. Like the other piece, this has some really nice descriptions in it, so well done for that. Your grammar's pretty good too. I did notice the odd grammatical and spelling mistake dotted around, but there was nothing to serious at all.

If I'm honest, my critiques for this piece are more or less the same as what I critiqued in that other piece of yours. I think the main thing that stood out for me here was the fact that I got a little confused at times. The main reason for this, I reckon, is because there's a lot that happens here. You've got the two guys in school, they get the party ready, have the party, the MC meets that Morgan girl, they/he gets hit by a car, he goes to soccer practice, then you have a short paragraph at the end where the scene is changed completely. If this was something of mine, for example, I'd probably actually have it as a novella/long short story because there does seem to be a lot going on in such a short piece of writing.

When it comes to the word count, it's actually pretty long, but when you think about the things that happen, it's a short piece of writing when you take the content of it into account. Err... does that make any sense? Basically, I think you should even this out more. I'm not sure if there's more of this story to come... as in, I'm not sure if this is the end. I think there is more, but I can't be 100% certain. Whether there is anymore though, I do still think you need to, well, even out the pace of this. I just think that, right now, everything's moving too fast and it's causing me some confusion.

Still on the subject of confusion, something else that I'm baffled about is the ending. I don't quite understand it. I swear I'm being really dumb or something, but what exactly is the last paragraph about? So Chris isn't actually dead...? If so, where is he? It's this last paragraph that makes me think there will be another part/s to this story. I mean, it needs more of an explanation for my liking. I'm not sure if I missed something before that explained this somehow, but I'm pretty sure nothing was mentioned... Basically, I hope there is another part/s to this story because I'm interested in finding out what this last paragraph was really about.

The only other critique I really have for you is something Apple said. You have a tendency to tell, not show. Because this is fantasy, it does mean that you will have to explain some supernatural things to us, and it is far easier to simply tell us instead of show us, so I totally understand why you're doing it. It's just that, at times, it feels too much like you're dumping the information on us.

She hesitated trying to find words. Letting out a long sigh she ran her fingers through her hair while speaking. “Chris really is a bother. He didn’t tell you much did he? Just like him to force all this on me. Well let’s start with what you do know. As you now know you are a 3rd Generation curse bearer because of Chris. Now here’s some new stuff. The curse as you know isn’t completely broken. If we try to heal smaller wounds the pain is returned. However we can take larger injuries without the recoil.”

I shook my head in disbelief trying to soak it up. This was way too much for one day. “So how did the curse originate.” Morgan winked in glee of her secret. “Sorry can’t tell you. You’ll find out soon though if you look. I’ll tell you something though the reason 3rd Generation hasn’t been reached until now is because all of the other second Generations passing down. The trading of their powers only works when individual is close. For some reason all of the bodies they passed the curse onto rejected it killing the receiver.” I thought for a second. That made sense Chris and I had known each other for a sec.

Another question popped into my head thinking about this. “So then how are you able to get the curse. Chris just met you.” She threw back her hair. “Wrong I was kept hidden for awhile. I’m his sister. Our parents kept me safe. Otherwise they would have no host. So technically I’m a 3.5 generation. I’m glad Chris picked you though. I might get lonely.” I blushed trying not to babble like an idiot as I answered. “What are you talking about? She leaned closer in almost talking in a whisper. “We’re both immortal.” I smiled as she gentle slid her hand ontop of mind.


Take that part of Meorgan and your MC's conversation, for example. We've been given an awful lot of information there, but it's all been squished into three paragraphs. From that, we know the MC has a 3rd generation curse, but the curse isn't entirely broken, smaller wounds effect him, but bigger injuries don't, we know how the whole trading powers thing works, that Chris and Morgan are siblings, and that they're now both immortal. That's a lot of information, isn't it? Are you beginning to see what I mean now? You're telling us a lot of information, and because you're squeezing it into such a short space, it just feels like you're telling it all to us instead of showing us. If there is going to be another part/s of this, you can give us some of this information then. Spread it out more evenly, I guess.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
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Sun Apr 17, 2011 2:30 pm
Azila says...



Hi! Sorry I'm so despicably late getting to this. Please find it in your heart to forgive me, eh?

First off, I love the concept. The whole idea with the curse is really chilling--it reminds me of something I wrote once, only better. I really like the idea of magic like that having a price, because I think too often people use magic just to be bale to do amazing things and they don't think of maybe giving magic repercussions that aren't so good. I like that you've really made it both a gift and a curse; it complicates things nicely. I also love the Chris character. On the one hand, he sacrificed himself for Clay--but in so doing, he passed the curse on. There's a lot to ponder here. Well done.

My main problem with this piece is the monotony. I found it a little hard to stay focused to the end because the writing was same all the way through. What I mean by this is that you put the same amount of emphasis on the important bits as the not-so-important bits, so it was hard for me to discern the former from the latter. My suggestion? Cut out unnecessary details. I never thought I'd say this, but for this piece I think that's what you need.

The whole piece has a bunch of different examples of Chris using his curse, and they all sort of blend together into one big mush, so it's a little hard to discern where one ends and the next begins, which makes it a little tiresome to read. I suggest taking some of them out, or making them in flashbacks to streamline the story and focus on what seems to me to be the main point of the piece: the part where Chris dies and Clay inherits the curse. I know that should be a climax, but because of the way it's written it feels like it could just be one more episode.

As other people have mentioned, you do a lot of explaining through dialogue. If you want your readers to know something, you just have one character ask another character about it and everything's solved, right? Erh... not so right. You can do that, but not only is this not much fun to read, but it also feels a wee bit like cheating. I actually suggest, for a piece like this, not having much explanation. See, I think this idea you have needs either a lot of explanation (in which case I would suggest making it into a novel(la)) or very little/no explanation, which would be more fitting for the story story format. I think trying to explain things too much in a short story actually just complicates everything--I'd much rather just be shown all the evidence and be allowed to make up my own explanations. Chances are, they'd be pretty similar to what I gather after reading your explanations.

Basically, I think this piece needs to be either a lot longer or a bit shorter. If it's a lot longer, then go ahead and explain things to your heart's content. But if you want it to read like a short story (which I'm assuming you do), then I suggest trimming it down a little--cutting off the parts that aren't of utmost importance, so we can see what really is. As it is right now, it felt like it was rambling a little bit. There are people who think that every story needs some sort of a plot arc (with intro and development and conflict and climax and conclusion or whatever) and I'm not one of those people, but I do think that this piece needs a bit more structure. It's a bit rambly.

So, in conclusion: good job with the concept. I love it. It is intriguing and mysterious and magical in many senses of the word. I just think you need to trim the whole thing down a little bit so we can see the parts that matter the most, and don't worry if that means getting rid of explanations--I think this would work wonderfully as one of those pieces that you have to ponder a lot and still don't fully understand.

Of course, feel free to PM me or write on my wall if you want to talk about any of this!

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