Young Writers Society

Where is God?
Asked a girl who burned
As she tried to escape
The heat as she ran.
But she didn’t know
It was her own.
Her flesh burned,
And she didn’t know.
Back in Vietnam

Where is God?
Asked the baby
That never was born
Because, his tortured mother
Was then killed.
And he ripped out
Of her bleeding torso
And thrown to the side,
A fetus unborn.
Back in China.

Where is God?
Asked the souls
Tortured in gas chambers
Sewn together
in gross experiments
by the likes of Mengele.
And they called it the Holocaust.
Back In Germany.

Where is God?
Asked the Victims
That lead normal lives
And then,
Crash!
And 9/11 happened.
With the deaths of thousands.
That shouldn’t have died.
Back in America.

Where is God?
Asked a girl
In agonizing pain
When her own blood
Spurted in all directions
And her panic as she held on
Trying to stop it
And then- nothing.
No more dreams.
For she was shot,
By people she knew
Back in a High School.

Where is God?
Asked the husband,
Who watched his wife
Raped.
And his two children
Begged.
‘Don’t do this to mommy.’
The demons laughed.
Just to bayonet, a girl
Of 3 and boy of 8
And then roast them over
A camp fire.
Until they died.
They burned them alive.
And laughed as they died.
Back in Nanking.

Now, I ask,
Where is God?
For these stories I share,
I’m sorry to say,
Are not fiction,
The product
Of a twisted mind.
But are, in fact,
In all truth correct.

And as I find out,
About these horrific events,
All caused by people to people,
I wonder, where is God?
Does he look upon his children?
Why doesn’t he stop it?
And I wonder, does he exist?
For how can we- such an evil race,
Be the children of ultimate good,
The children of God?

I like this, are you saying how can we just sit here and watch this and be the children of God. Because I think that too. I like this poem and you did a great good job. I am so going to like this and follow you. And the answer to your question is. He was right there all along they won the holocaust didn't they. He was there we just didn't see Him.

Heya Stel. I don’t think you and I have ever been properly introduced but…well, I’m me and you’re you and I do suppose things will remain that way for a while, now won’t they.

So, I don’t generally like to sit about and nitpick but there are definitely a few parts I feel should be pointed out.

The heat as she ran.
But she didn’t know
It was her own.

There are a few things that are really funky about this, namely the wording. “It” could mean anything and I had to read it a few times to figure out that you were talking about the heat.

Asked the Victims

Just figured I should point out that “victims” should be lowercased.

And her panic as she held on
Trying to stop it

I know I’m kind of yanking that little bit there out of context but this is again, some funky wording and when you put it back into the stanza because I’m not completely sure what her panic is doing. It’s just there.

For she was shot,
By people she knew

Because of the tenses and such, and because ‘was’ sounds clumsy try using “had been.” I’m not an expert on tense. I know I have a habit of switching them from time to time but it sounds right so I’m thinking it is right? I would look it up if I were you but ‘was’ definitely feels wrong.

Just to bayonet, a girl
Of 3 and boy of 8
And then roast them over

Using digits instead of actual words, more often than not, seems very clumsy and they look odd in a poem, especially in this case. Also, the “Just to bayonet” part doesn’t make sense wording wise either.

All caused by people to people,

Again, just some clumsy wording with the “people to people” part.


Overall, I like the concept of this. The idea is a nice one and you took a historians approach to it which is rather refreshing. The one major problem, and I’m sure you noticed this because it seemed to be the main thing I pointed out, is that in a lot of areas, the wording is very clumsy. It’s obvious you’re trying to keep it all fit down into this tiny little frame of your poem but give your idea a little room to spread its wings and then you’ll have more space to draw your lines out a good deal longer which means you won’t restrict your choice of words as much. This would more than likely clean up a lot of your wording trip ups because more than anything, I think you tried to fit too much of an idea into too few of words.

Still, I like that you took this historic twist on a religious theme and I have to give you cookies for that.

*cookies*

If you have any questions, let me now.

Hey there, yes that begging was perfect!


Likes: I like that you took a stand. You approached a topic many people in the world dismiss under such beliefs as "it is so we can have trials and get better." I won't give my personal beliefs, but I commend you for taking that stand.

Grammar: To start, I agree with what lily said above. There were a few parts with clumsy or odd wording, but I'll try and stick away from what has already been said.

Just to bayonet, Could do without comma. a girl

I wonder, Same here. where is God?

Now, And here. I ask,

Suggestions: I didn't really like a lot of the punctuation. Try reading through it and pausing after each punctuation mark, then plowing through the parts that don't have it. See what you think.

Overall: As I said, I like the purpose, and the message. I think the flow could be improved a little bit, possibly with the punctuation and maybe with a little bit of word changing. It's up to you whether to change those. I missed the mention of the latest nuclear disaster, and the earthquake/tsunami. You should add a stanza about that. I think that is about it. I liked it, but I encourage you to read through it a few times and be sure that you like it. Keep writing, and I hope I was of help!

-HostofHorus

Hi! Thank you for your request. You are absolutely right that poetry is not my thing at all, but I shall nevertheless do my best to say something useful here.

Okay. Firstly, I'm going to say that I liked this. As lilymoore said, the way you make your point is very fresh. You don't whine or get sentimental, you just lay out the (gruesome) facts and state your skepticism and horror at them. In fact, it's rather unemotional--it's not detached or impersonal, just very down-to-earth. It reminds me a lot of '60s and '70s American protest music, which is a compliment because I love that music. Your poem has the same rebellious, idealist, activist feeling to it, and I like that about it. In fact, have you ever heard to song With God on Our Side? If you don't want to listen to it for some reason, I at least recommend you look at the lyrics because your poem reminds me a lot of that song. You come to somewhat different conclusions, but the similarities are still striking.

Something that both your poem and that song do is take an essay-like method of exposing an opinion. You give a bunch of examples, making your point in each one, then conclude with your own message based on all of those examples. It works, obviously, but it does come off as a little disjointed to me. But that's probably what you were going for, so I'm not going to talk about it too much.

Like you said in your request, it's a pretty straightforward poem. I feel like it's more about what you say than how you say it. You got your message across, and I think you got it across pretty effectively, so there's not much more I could ask for. To continue the parallel with protest music, those songs were called folksongs--and I think I would call this a folkpoem. It's arguably not "fine art," but it serves its purpose. Like lilymoore pointed out, there are several places where your wording is a bit sloppy, and (while they probably should be corrected) they don't strike me as terribly distracting because of this folk nature of the poem. If you were going for this, then good job! If not... well, good job doing it anyway. ^_~

One thing that kind of bothered me when I was reading this is how graphic it is. Because of the casual feeling of the writing, it almost seemed like you were tossing around these horrific images lightly. It's hard to write about horrible things, especially when they're true, because you have to have a certain amount of respect for the victims. It's hard to make the writing not feel like you're going for shock-and-awe responses. To me, it feels a little bit like you're throwing these gruesome, cruel images at your readers and forcing them to look at them, then telling them your opinion while they're still in shock. You know how people criticize PETA for extremist demonstrations? Well, this has a little bit of that feeling to it. It's not huge, but I do get a little sense of it.

I also can't help but feel like you're putting words into the mouths of the victims. To have they saying "where is God?" feels a little weird to me because you don't know that that's what they were thinking. That's just what you think when you read about them. I get a little bit of a sense that you're taking advantage of these people by writing this. I know you're not trying, and I don't even think it's all that offensive... but it's just a little something that tickles me uncomfortably when I'm reading the poem.

Oh, and a little nit-pick:

Does he look upon his children?
Why doesn’t he stop it?
And I wonder, does he exist?

You should capitalize "he" and "his" when you're talking about God, I think. If you don't it seems like you're trying to say something by not doing it.

All in all, I like this. I do. I like the message and I like its bluntness. But I do get the feeling that you could be taking it a little more seriously than you are since it is, in fact, true stories.

I hope this helps somewhat! I really am completely clueless when it comes to poetry, so feel free to disregard everything i just said. PM me or write on my wall if you want to talk about anything!

a

YES YES YES!!! This is wonderful. I completely agree with everything you are trying to get across to the reader. In all of these HORRIBLE times, people always wonder where is God? This definitely tells all of the love of God, and how He forgives us no matter what we do. How can He forgive us? And the people who have done this?? It takes a great overabundance of unconditional love and care for everyone in the world. Yes, PLEASE keep on writing about God's love, no matter what we do to each other, He will forgive us, if we ask.

The parts that I also really liked the best in this poem were when you said, Back in Germany, Back in Vietnam, Back in America. It really connects these real events to exactly where they took place.
One little thing, every single time you say he or his, and are talking about God, you should capatilize it, because he's really not just any guy in the world.
Keep writing!!! Thanks, it was a great read!

Here as requested

Wow, very imressive Like others sort of said because it's so blunt, it's unemotional, but at the same time very impressive cause I'm not crying but at the same time I'm thinking, b-but WHY?! :'( AGHHH - yep, I get it ,really bad example but you know what I mean. okay, onto the reviewing.




Where is God?
Asked a girl who burned./color]
As she tried to escape[color=#BF00BF],/color]
T[color=#BF00BF]t/color]he heat as she ran.
But she didn’t know[color=#BF00BF],/color]
[color=#BF00BF]Thatlor] it was her own.
Her flesh burned,
A[color=#BF00BF]a/color]nd she didn’t know.
Back in Vietnam[color=#BF00BF]./color]

[color=#FF0000]okay, all throughout this I've seen that because you try to make your stanzas so tiny, the flow is a little off, but to me this is nice, it's broken and imperfect If you want to change this I suggest removing some full stops and replacing them with commas. The parts in purple are how I've suggested you change it to make it slightly better. The same goes for the rest, I'm to lazy to put it on each stanza

Where is God?
Asked the baby
That never was born
Because, his tortured mother
Was then killed.
And he ripped out this line is slightly confusing, if I re-read it I get what it means but there must be a simpler way of putting it.
Of her bleeding torso
And thrown to the side,
A fetus unborn.
Back in China.

Where is God?
Asked the souls
Tortured in gas chambers
Sewn together
in gross experiments
by the likes of Mengele.
And they called it the Holocaust.
Back In Germany.

Where is God?
Asked the Victims 'victims'isn't a capital
That lead normal lives
And then,
Crash! I think you should lose the exclamation mark here
And 9/11 happened.
With the deaths of thousands.
That shouldn’t have died.
Back in America.

Where is God?
Asked a girl
In agonizing pain
When her own blood
Spurted in all directions
And her panic as she held on
Trying to stop it
And then- nothing.
No more dreams.
For she was shot,
By people she knew
Back in a High School.

Where is God?
Asked the husband,
Who watched his wife
Raped. ? maybe 'being' beforehand
And his two children
Begged.Again, maybe a word beforehand to explain it.
‘Don’t do this to mommy.’
The demons laughed.
Just to bayonet, a girl
Of 3 and boy of 8
And then roast them over
A camp fire.
Until they died.
They burned them alive.
And laughed as they died.
Back in Nanking.

Now, I ask,
Where is God?
For these stories I share,
I’m sorry to say,
Are not fiction,
Orcolor] the product
Of a twisted mind.
But are, in fact,
In all truth correct. [color=#FF0000] another hmmm, I think you might have reapeated words - different meanings - I can't quite put my finger on it

And as I find out,
About these horrific events,
All caused by people to people,
I wonder, where is God?
Does he look upon his children?
Why doesn’t he stop it?
And I wonder, does he exist?
For how can we- such an evil race,
Be the children of ultimate good,
The children of God?[/quote] <3 favourite stanza

All in all, a great piece, it really made me think.

~Tinkem

Ah fudge, YWS has decided to muck up...