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Things that should remain things



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5 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 2743
Reviews: 5
Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:23 am
Camulaeus says...



There's perhaps no feeling worse then rejection. To watch as something of your own creation, an idea, a story or even some words you've merely muttered laid out and stamped upon. Your chest manages to feel both constricted and hollow simultaneously, it takes conscious reminders to suppress the primal instinct of crying. Some of us face rejection only once or twice in our lives, while others are forced to bear it day after day after freakin' day.

Some people deserve this fate, though they often work out to be the one's who inflict it upon the less fortunate. And why? Because they are "normal". They are the ones that define what is acceptable and what is not. And why? I don't know. If I did then maybe this gun wouldn't be by my head right now.

I don't understand it. People tell me no one does but that's obviously not true. If it wasn't true I should be able to walk around and be gay and be proud of it, instead of crouching over what self-respect I have left in the shadow of regret, cast by the scorn of those unable to accept difference. Everyone seems to know why this shadow is there, but me; the one who should know most of all.

The metal is cold. On both hand and forehead. Just like the countless drops of sweat that break out every time I see someone look at me. Like the little needles of shame that prick my skin every time I sit and they move away. Like the constricting and expanding insides of my chest, whenever something I say is disregarded. And when I ask why it's always the same: ask your boyfriend faggot.

It's just the way the world is I suppose. People hardly judge you by who you are anymore. It's the people your attracted to, the color of your skin, the time you get in Track and Field, the amount of people you waste your life with that add up to make who you are. These things shouldn't remain things, things that can identify you before you can identify yourself.

Courage. Who will stand and fight for their opinion while others bow down and shed their inner selves for temporary acceptance? This is a thing that should remain a thing. Honor. Who will feed their input and protect themselves from rejection on their own while others let it tear them apart? This is a thing that should remain a thing. Loyalty. Who will support one-another despite the shunning of the ignorant, while others fly from false friendship to temporary allies? These are things that should remain things, yet don't. And why not is a mystery. Maybe all will become clear if I pull this trigger. Maybe then I will understand, maybe then I could be accepted. Maybe....
Last edited by Camulaeus on Fri Mar 25, 2011 7:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.
With friends and courage one can stand against all foes, for neither man nor God can conquer those who are not alone

"109 in the sky but the pigs won't quit"

GLBT it doesn't matterone thing doesn't change who we are
  





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Wed Mar 16, 2011 1:32 am
TheTruthLiesWithin says...



Hello,

So I won't correct this, for the simple fact that it would take away from the message inside. And what a beautiful message it was. These are timeless themes, rejection, fear, struggle... but somehow you made me see it in a whole different way. We've all been through that moment, or will, at some point, and you, my friend, has just made me relive mine. * Stands up and applauds * Awesome, awesome piece.
Keep on writing!

-Truth-
.- <3 -.
  





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Wed Mar 16, 2011 5:43 pm
xDudettex says...



Hey there!

I thought this piece was really amazing. Relatable too. The fight to fit in has become something that almost everyone -save the ones who make the rules - has to live with. I really found myself wanting to give your MC a big old hug :(

There was nothing at all wrong with the message of the piece but I did pick up on a few grammatical/ structural issues.

no feeling worst then rejection


'worst' should be 'worse'

merely muttered laid out and stamped upon.


Comma after 'muttered'

Your chest manages to feel both constricted and hollow simultaneously, it takes conscious reminders to suppress the primal instinct of crying.


I think the comma would be better as 'and'

be the one's who inflict it


I don't think you need the apostrophe.

It's the people your attracted to


'your' should be 'you're'

Who will stand and fight for their opinion while others bow down and shed their inner selves for temporary acceptance.


Who will feed their input and protect themselves from rejection on their own while others let it tear them apart.


Who will support one-another despite the shunning of the ignorant, while others fly from false friendship to temporary allies.


You need a question mark at the end of these sentences.


Well done on writing a piece that really made me stop and think. It's rare to read a story with a strong message and you write this one well. The saddest thing of all though, is that all of what you have written is completely true.

I hope this helps!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
  





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Thu Mar 17, 2011 4:51 am
writingruff says...



I think its well written. I liked the last paragraph on courage
  





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5 Reviews



Gender: Male
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Fri Mar 18, 2011 9:08 pm
Camulaeus says...



:) thanks for the awesome reviews!
With friends and courage one can stand against all foes, for neither man nor God can conquer those who are not alone

"109 in the sky but the pigs won't quit"

GLBT it doesn't matterone thing doesn't change who we are
  








To succeed, you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you.
— Tony Dorsett