Young Writers Society

she hugged her arms to her chest and desperately tried to keep herself from
clawing at her ribs and tearing the skin from bone like paper from words--
she could feel it scuttling from blood vessel to tissue and muscle to that
part of the brain that harbors hope. There were webs being spun, she was
sure of it; it was not crawling around for the sake of crawling around, but
was encasing her very bones in thick and putrid evil.
there was no such thing as marrow .

it plucked at the tendons in her hand, eight notes at once, like some dark masterful
conductor, jumping from each stretching, screaming note to their chorus: the palm.
darting to and fro, she could see its little body twitching beneath her skin,
so thin, so easy to reach and pluck out the little beast, and tear it out once and for all...
and she broke. She shrieked and clawed through her skin, bleeding bright but missing
the dark, and in her rage, grabbed a knife and drew it cross her skin. And there it was.
there it was, though it was no spider.

she bled black, oozed from beneath the mountains of skin layers and shifting muscles,
and found nestled sin, dark and toothy, leering up at her. she screamed,
and it echoed in her vocal chords; it wasn't until that moment that she
realized just how deep it leeched, how fluidly it danced,
just how much of a part of her it was.
there was no killing it.

Wow Persy!
I don't usually review poetry but these are my general thoughts:

This is definately my kind of thing! Absolutely love dark writing.

tearing the skin from bone like paper from words--

I adore this line.

she bled black, oozed from beneath the mountains of skin layers and shifting muscles,

This is also great, it conjures up a physical image.

I'll definately be looking out for more of your work!

Keep Writing!
-Sop.

Dang this is good. You would think that by now i wouldn't be surprised by the caliber of writer that you are, and yet... here i sit googling lol. Great job!

This is so descriptive and creates some gruesome images in my mind - I love gruesome! Very well written, you definitely have a way with words. So dark, just the way I like it.

Keep writing!!

Hi Persephoneia,

Wow! Now this is a dark poem! Amazing! The descriptions were incredibly clear, and I felt all the feeling that your character felt. It literally made me gasp! I won't bore you on anything grammatical, I don't think it's worth it. Could we ask for any more from a great poem?

Amazing! Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf

Wow.
I love this piece of poetry, I adore the darkness of this piece and find the imagery to be perfected for the true fear this person is feeling. It makes my heart beat faster as I feel my skin begin to crawl.
A beautiful piece.
I have nothing bad to say about this though I do think it could be structured a little better to flow more as, though I was captured, I also felt my mind wander slightly.
Overall a fabulous piece.
Well done!!!

Though I find the prospect of a new member reviewing the well-written work of an administrator entertaining, I'll submit to humor. I thought the poem was great, especially the subtle lack of capitalization use. Despite a few comma splices, which I'm sure any decent poem is fraught with, your writing in fantastic. My only complaint is your line that reads:

it was not crawling around for the sake of crawling around

it doesn't seem descriptive enough to compare to the rest of the poem. Overall, great poem, keep writing!
-A little bit of subtlety

Hello there
This was a very good poem, giving me a feeling that spiders are bad despite the fact that I usually have no reservations against them. My favorite part was definitely the last line of each stanza being italicized. That really helped to set the mood of this poem.

Until next time, then,

~TheManintheHat

------> whoa, this one's dark and really for scares! :] If you only knew how much I really, really love this. haha! Good job!

Hi Nia!

I don’t think this is a poem so much as a prose poem. This isn’t just due to longer lines which characterize the poem; it’s more due to the rather wonderful rhythm. Your poem is moving swiftly, never halts at all really and I get the feel of prose from this, despite the utterly delicious imagery. I realized as I got to the end of my comments, that it’s the start of your poem which makes it feel like prose. We amble to begin with, slowly meeting the rhythm and purpose of your poem at leisure, despite the immediacy of the situation. I think you should consider this; it’s pacing your poem awkwardly in consideration of the content.

The subject matter is fantastic, and you use it very well. However, I think you lose your impact toward the end. After the intense visuals we get from the slitting and the blood and such, your final line seems overly dramatic, too much for what it’s just followed. This is an odd thing to say, I know, but I think it’s because we come back to such an understatement that beside the actions, it seems grotesquely out of place.

I like the poem as a whole! And my thoughts aren’t massive ones, just things to consider.

Thanks for the read!
- Penguin.

Hiya Penezenka, as I shall be merciless when completing your request.

Yes, it is interesting. No, I don't like this compared to some of your work.
I'm sitting through this poem and you're spoon feeding your reader with a fork. There's absolutely nothing for me to uncover on my own, nothing for me to absorb, think about later because you've taken a potentially good idea and dissected every inch of it.

This is the kind of poem that counts for face value. You've done your imagery well hear, because it collectively works together to push the poem forward and paint a picture of this (mildly gory) scene but that's all it does. It's only there to communicate the simple story, there's no deeper thinking or feeling in this.

she bled black, oozed from beneath the mountains of skin layers and shifting muscles,
and found nestled sin, dark and toothy, leering up at her. she screamed,
and it echoed in her vocal chords;

This is kind of telling, kind of showing. If you know what I mean. You've begun to describe it, but the bridge is only built halfway so the entire picture is like a photo scrapbook. It's all 2D. I'm seeing what you're telling me, nothing more. I'm not plunged into the tale, the emotions, the thought process.

The issue is that it's static. You've dealt with the surface technicalities well, no question to make a nicely woven piece, but all together it falls short and doesn't bring all you wanted to bring to the table, despite your effort here. It falls victim to the claws of still life poetry, individual pictures that depict a scene but goes no further to unlock anything else.

Kamas