Young Writers Society

RATATATATATATA
Stop.
RATATATATATATA
Stop.

RATATATATATATA
What the hell do you people want?
RATATATATATATA
Stop.

RATATATATATATA
Friendly fire isn't.
RATATATATATATA
Fragmentation grenades work both ways.

RATATATATATATA
A rock or something.
RATATATATATATA
Where's my mom?

RATATATATATATA
Stop.
RATATATATATATA
Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.

RATATATATATATA
Seven-six-two millimeter. Full metal jacket.
RATATATATATATA
Stop.

RATATATATATATA
1, 2, 3, 4.
RATATATATATATA
I love Marine Corps!

RATATATATATATA
Who's your daddy?
RATATATATATATA
It's the time of the season for lov- shit!

RATATATATATATA
I killed a man.
RATATATATATATA
The worst thing you can do and nobody can touch me for it.

RATATATATATATA
Stop.
RATATATATATATA
Stop, goddammit!

"AH! MAKE IT STO-"
"Honey, calm down. You okay?
"Wha-? Oh, jeez, yeah. I'm fine."

"Was it the dream again?"
"Yeah. Yeah. It was."
"You think it was the thunder?"

"Probably."
"Hey, listen. It wasn't your fault."
"I know."

"G'night."
"G'night."

Personally, I think this was excellent. While reading it, I was kind of going, "What the hell is this?" but as I got towards the end, I finally understood, and it all made sense. Some parts didn't really seem to make sense even in the context, like

It's the time of the season for lov- shit!

but maybe that makes sense personally? I think that maybe you could have made the commentary between gunfires more emotional, especially the "stop"s, because I felt like those were really cool and collected, when it would really be a traumatic reminder of a terrible event.


Another thing (MAJOR nitpick):

"Night."
"Night."

I think that "G'night" is more appropriate, because "Night" just sounds a little weird without referencing what it's supposed to be shortening. Just a personal nitpick though.


Overall: really nice job. The tone is really well developed, and the ending hit perfectly. Great piece.

-Coral-

This was a very interesting piece to read. I mean, I wasn't really sure what it was about till the end actually, but while I was scratching my head, I still liked it. ^^
The idea is original and it was well presented. The flow was consistent, and the repetition of "RATATATATA" I found sort of annoying... yet I still liked it.
I'm somewhere in the middle of liking it and being annoyed by it for some reason, but it was well written and in the end, I still enjoyed it.

Thanks for sharing and keep writing; hopefully your other works are as refreshing as this one. ^^
|Life|

thanks for the reviews, you two!

I think that "G'night" is more appropriate, because "Night" just sounds a little weird without referencing what it's supposed to be shortening. Just a personal nitpick though.

Fixed.

Hello, I'm here as requested.

Wow, this was pretty good. At first, I wasn't sure where it was going, but the ending was great, and explained it all, so good job for that.

"Hey, listen. It wasn't your fault."

This line does it all for me.

I don't think I have any nitpicks for you though... The grammar seems fine, and so is the structure of your poem.

Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.

Only thing, is that this part right here makes me think it's a girl that's dreaming... It's me, Margaret in the sense of it's me, don't worry Margaret, or rather in the sense of it's Margaret? I was a little bit confused, maybe clear that up.

Great job, and keep writing!

-Other One

Thanks for the review!!!

Very interesting format, love the way you personalize the sound of gunfire with short emotional remarks in between. It blends humanity with the machine and makes for a very interesting piece of literature. Thanks for sharing!