Young Writers Society

[deleted]

Hey, Evi!

Here is your requested review -- I'm glad I was able to get around to it!

So, this was a good entry and there was a lot of good stuff in it. It provides satisfying follow-up to the first part, and I love where you're taking this story and these characters; I will be very excited to read the conclusion to this story.

The way you weave between the past and the present I like. I think it's very cleverly set up the way you have the present and the past alternating gives a unique feel to it; it kind of reminds me of a project that I am starting to work on, heh. However, my problems lies within the transitions themselves. To me, it just doesn't feel clear enough. I had to read each section over a few times to know which was which. I'm not saying you should go out and say bluntly which is the past and which is the present, no. There are a few ways you can make it more clear -- first, try strengthening the description and atmosphere in the present scenes. Right now it doesn't really feel like a location in your story, rather a wagon that will get the reader from event to event. I want to know more about what Rory's and Grace's lives are like now, what their relationship is like. Maybe reference more instances about what Grace is like when she was awake and well. Set your scene and make it more then just a wagon, and not only will the flashbacks be more rigidly defined, but they will carry more weight and have a greater emotional impact on the reader.

In terms of Rory -- she's gotten a lot better and you're starting to define some of her traits and personality, but I still feel like there could be much, much more. One thing that could make this a more enjoyable read is showing her reactions to the events that occur. Right now, it's still very much "this happens, that happens, and I will move it along as the narrator" in a passive sense. How exactly does she feel when Grace is attacking her? You mentioned that she is not too popular; again, how does that make her feel? Show us these things and you'll have a stronger voice to move your story along.

Hope this helps! Let me know when the next part is up -- this was a pleasure to read.

~ Elinor

I'm back!

This time, I'm the second to review, so I may be more useful than before. As always, be sure to let me know if you have any questions or anything about this review. Just post on my wall, PM me or whatever.

After reading over this, I think I may actually have some critiques that haven't been said. That's most likely because Ellie's the only one who's reviewed before me... Anyway! I have to say that I think this second part is definitely better than the first. I am beginning to see a more of a personality to Rory, so that's good. It's clear that you've taken the advice of previous reviews and put it into this second part. There are some little things that I noticed though.

This is me being a bit nit-picky, but I found it a bit odd when Rory wondered if Grace would jump off of the balcony, scream like a banshee or whatever. To me, it felt as though she was jumping to conclusions. That wasn't really the main problem though, I don't think. It felt like Rory simply shrugged it off. If she was truly worried about Grace doing something that stupid, wouldn't she have been panicking more? It almost felt like she thought about Grace jumping off the balcony in a kind of sarcastic way. I don't know... I guess you could say that it lacked emotion. You did mention Rory holding her breath after thinking these thoughts, but they still felt rather blunt to me.

Speaking of emotions, that's something I'd like to bring up. I'm not sure if it's just me, but I found some parts of this a tad bit emotionless. You have loads of lovely descriptions and what not, but I think you need to exaggerate more on the emotions. Don't get me wrong though because in most parts, you have good and effective emotions. It was just some areas here and there. The thoughts Rory had about Grace jumping off the balcony and what not, for example. This might actually connect to something Ellie's said. I agree that although Rory's voice has improved, it does still sound slightly passive, so that may explain why I don't think the emotions are as full blown as they could be.

Sticking on the subject of Rory's voice, I am beginning to see a difference between the present and the past, but I think you can take it a step further. I do still think that Rory sounds too mature in her flashbacks. I reckon it's the language she uses. I know that she's probably supposed to be a little older in these flashbacks, but the difference between past and present does need to be clearer.

I was the introverted new kid, and I latched onto my only prospect of popularity: Grace.

This is a good example of mature language. Unless I missed something, this is a sentence from one of the flashback scenes. To put it simply, what you're saying is that Rory was the new kid who was kind of unsocial, and depended on Grace for her popularity. Let's take introverted, for example. How many kids do you hear using that word? In all honesty, I'm not 100% sure of what it means exactly. What I'd suggest is that you simplify words in the flashbacks. Instead of using introverted, use a word with the same/similar meaning that's simpler. That would certainly give a younger feel to the flashbacks.

I'm droning on a bit now, but there is one more thing I want to mention. I was unsure about the scene where Grace went a bit mental and started hitting Rory. By the way you described it, they must have been making a great deal of noise. Therefore, they must have woken someone up. I know you said that Rory and Grace told the others that the noise was because of Rory thinking Grace was someone breaking into the house. Surely though, wouldn't one of the girls in the bedroom have gone outside to see what was going on? I know I would have. Even if the girls hadn't been suspicious of it, I'd have thought the parents in the house would have come outside because of the noise.

As for the struggle between the girls, how deep in sleep is Grace supposed to be? Surely, by grabbing her, slapping her and doing a load of other things, Rory would have woken her? By the sound of it, Rory was pretty hands on with her overall. I don't know. Maybe I'm just looking too deeply into things.

Anyway! Negatives aside, I really like where this is heading, Evi.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey Evi,

As per usual, it took me awhile to find an angle on this. I read part 3 before reviewing, and proceeded to reread this part.

I think your weakness in this section is the jumping between emotions. You have Rory switch between caring for Grace and being extremely annoyed at her, multiple times. It creates some sense of realism, but the transitions are just a bit off in some places. Primarily the beginning, when they're on the balcony.

You have a couple lines at the very beginning of the balcony scene, where Rory narrates that she just wants it all to go away, and she says she doesn't deserve this. I found that to be the point that undermines a lot of the emotion in the rest of this. Firstly, it's unclear what she's talking about with "I don't deserve this", and secondly, it sets her up as pretty bitter. When you have her emotional turn-around at the end, it feels too quick for the implied number of times she's had to do this.

This travels into the third part, but I'll save more detail for my next review.

Another thing that's rather weak is how she gets from the balcony to the street. There aren't enough physical sensations for me to really say for sure she climbed down the stars. You realize she's climbed down the stairs because the action changes, but I'm not sure that's enough. Because you set up the stairs as a large obstacle, thanks to the mention of rust, I expected just a bit more time on them.

The rest of my comments fit better in part 3 than here, so off I go!

~Rosey