Young Writers Society

This is weird. The first poem that I posted was called The Rain. And now I'm writing about The Snow. No, it is not an obssession with weather, it's just that it inspires me!

I saw icicles harden.

The thick, white sheet

Nice poem!! I liked it. The way that you incorporated snow with other things... Good

Keep writing,
Alzora

Mikko wrote:

Newly fallen snow
Stretched across my garden.
When I looked down, I don't think you need a comma here. It adds an unneeded pause below,
I saw icicles harden.

The thick white sheet
Covers the guilty lad,
Where good and bad meet,
There, no men stand. This stanza sort of confuses me a little. What lad are you talking about? And where does good and bad meet?

This white, white snow
Hides secrets and lies,
'Til spring it does so,
And away it dies. I really like this stanza. It just seems strong and made me want to read it over and over again.

Newly fallen snow
Covers but yet, no need for a comma here
Leaves footprints
That one can't forget.

Nice poem, by the way. Poetry about nature is some of the most beautiful. Be glad that nature has such great bounties of inspiration for poets like you, Mikko, and you'll always have a great poem brewing in your wake. There were a few parts that confused me, like the part about the lad and the place where good and bad meets. Those tripped me up, and I think it may be a good idea to either add something to elaborate on that a little or change that stanza some. Other than that, no really big problems.

Thank you for your reviews, guys! I put the corrections in bold.

When I read this through the first time, I did't have any initial interpretations, but after reading it a second time, I got the impression of a graveyard. I don't know if this is what you intended or not, but I'll put comments into why that's what I thought of:

Mikko wrote:

Newly fallen snow
Stretched across my garden,
When I looked down, below,
I saw icicles harden.
Nothing really in this stanza that contributes to the thought of a graveyard. But in light of that thought because of the following stanzas, it could be spoken from the perspective of the person who maintains upkeep of the graveyard.

The thick, white sheet
Covers the guilty land,
Where good and bad meet,
There, no men stand.
This stanza confused me the first time I read it, but then I thought, a graveyard is place where "good and bad meet" because everyone is buried there--good or bad. With the line "covers the guilty land" I think about how snow would cover the graves where people who were victims of a crime may be buried. The last line speaks about how people may not visit graveyards in the winter, when snow is covering the graves.

This white, white snow
Hides secrets and lies
'Til spring it does so,
And away it dies.
This line contributes to the thought because when the snow falls, it covers the graves and tombstones. It covers the places where victims may be buried, victims whose assailants have yet to be caught. When the snow melts, people will return to the graveyard to visit, and be reminded anew of the deceased, and the secrets and lies that someone is still hiding and telling.

Newly fallen snow
Covers but yet
Leaves footprints
That one can't forget.
I don't really have a way this stanza would contribute.

Since you didn't put any description saying that you were describing a graveyard, I'm assuming that it was not the intent of this poem. However, the fact that the words you wrote made me think about this means that your words are having an effect on the reader.
Take it as a compliment that someone is finding a different meaning than what you intended, because many great poems elicit such a response. (Think about discussions about poems in high school literature classes)

I like this!
I love snow, too... and I love poems that rhyme, and poems that use simple words like "lies" and make them sound beautiful, somehow...

Your poem does that! I can't see anything that needs improving.
*follows* ! xxx

Hey Mikko,

I love this poem. ^_^ I thought it flowed very well, except maybe slightly kinda at the end.

Newly fallen snow
Covers but yet
Leaves footprints
That one can't forget.

I'm definitely no authority figure on poems, but this part feels slightly more clunky than the rest. I think it's "Leaves footprints." In my opinion it would flow better with another word in there, like for example, "It leaves footprints." But I don't want to over-step my boundaries and tell you how to write your poem, so... yeah.

Anyway, you YWS people are getting me to like poems. Which is slightly terrifying. Curse you all and your talentedness.

Really cool! Makes me that much more excited for snow to blanket my yard. In many ways Winter really is my favorite time of year. Keep up the GREAT work!

AGGGGHHHH MIKKO!!!!! My friend I love your writing. I am definitely a huge fan! This piece is sooo strong and descriptive which is really why i love it so much. Honestly.... I really don't have anything to critique because this is so great lol. Please keep up on writing and keep up the good work!!!



TuckEr EllsworTh

Mikko!!

Why hadn't I laid my eyes on this beautiful piece sooner? The description, the imagery, the structure, the rhyme, the sheer novelty and idea behind this piece is so great! It's so simple and delightful to read. This is simply charming and has all the qualities of a short and sweet poem that I really like!

As always, your talent doesn't cease to amaze me. Great job with this and keep the ink flowing. Always.

Murtuza

It sounds even nicer a second time around

Mikko,

There's no shortage of reviews here, but I just had to comment xD Weather inspires everyone in so many different ways, so I love reading about such things. Without even taking a glance at the words in the poems, the first thing I noticed was structure. I mean - this looks very beautiful, and while normally I'm against centering works, it definitely works in your favor for this piece. The only other suggestion I would have for structure, and I know this is a preference thing and there's nothing wrong with leaving the letters of your first lines capitalized, but by un-capitalizing them, the poem instantly appears more professional/polished in my opinion. Something to think about.

Rhyme was seamless. I mean, the sounds in general are incredible. You definitely have some nice word choice with fallen, icicles, white. This is why I love the winter-time ^-^ I mean, even though these words get overused, they sound fresh here. Crisp and cold, I like it.

Now onto the best part of the review, right? XD My nitpicks.

Newly fallen snow
Stretched across my garden,
When I looked down, below,
I saw icicles harden.

Anything. Pick anything but stretched.

Also, the comma after 'down' isn't needed.

The second stanza sounds like a repeat of your first stanza, I wonder if you were trying to find a rhyme for "land" ? Here, you begin to introduce morality, which I find interesting. I also find interesting what one reviewer said about a graveyard, though I don't get this from that at all, I find it's an interesting interpretation. You kept it vague with "good and bad" and leave us wondering. Though, specifics can't hurt, right? What exactly would you like to say?

That being said, the third stanza is possibly my favorite.

The fourth stanza, I like the concept and theme behind it, however the words themselves are a bit weak, so maybe tidying it your word-choice?

Overall, I liked this quite a lot! Great job, Mikko!

~ as always, Audy

I love the poem but I was just wondering why the I in icicles is bold and the n in land is bold unless you're trying to spell something out. I love it other than that.