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Persephone's Daughter



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Sat Nov 06, 2010 1:00 am
Elinor says...



AN: In my English class, we're studying Greek Mythology, and now that the unit is drawing to a close we've gotten an assignment to write our own Greek Myth. The planning stages are just beginning; this poem generally follows the pattern that my short story will. It should be fairly clear toward the end what my myth explains.

After many years of loneliness and regret,
Persephone bore a child-
a lovely girl named Arborie
with eyes greener then the harvest,
and hair browner then the ripest wheat,
the most beautiful girl in all the land
(except for Aphrodite)-
who was her pride and joy.

One spring afternoon, playing in the meadows,
she met someone named Triton, son of the great Poseidon.
They fell in love so quickly; it was deep and it was pure.
But alas, it was not to last.

Persephone, weary of her own fate,
had called upon Artemis, Goddess of the Moon.
“Persephone,” said she, “what troubles you this evening?”
“My daughter is in love, and I must prevent that if I can.”

So Artemis agreed, but with one word of caution:
“Tell her not to go to Aphrodite, or listen to what she says.
She is so obsessed with love;
she'll do whatever she can to see them together.
Your daughter does not have your curse; leave her in my care.”
Although it pained Persephone, pained her very deeply,
she knew that it was for the best.

So Arborie went to Artemis,
(forbidden to see Triton)
and Persephone returned to Hades.
She learned how to hunt,
learned to never bring men near.
Aphrodite payed a visit,
when Arborie was alone in her tent one night.

“My dear, is true you have a lover?”
and again Arborie thought of Triton, and her eyes began to brim with tears.
“It was long ago, he is long lost and I am pledged to Artemis.”
Then Arborie explained how it was not her fault,
that her mother had forced her to abandon her love for Triton;
Aphrodite was mortified at this thought.

She gave her back her clothes, and took away her bow.
She helped her escape and took her to a lake; someone was waiting for her there.
Triton was overjoyed to see her; they kissed and hugged and Aphrodite smiled.
But that was then Artemis came by; caught her in the act.
She would have killed both on the spot; but they were far from mortal
She sent Triton to the sea, thought of a way to punish Arborie for defying her command.

She would be in love again, never walk or smile.
Perpetually blind; she would still be alive, alive and well 'til the end of days.
Her body hardened, her hair turned into bark.
Her eyes that were of such vivid color turned to leaves that sprouted from above it.
Artemis left; visited her from time to time.
They say she still stands today, calling out for her lost lover.

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney
  





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Sat Nov 06, 2010 1:17 am
WaywardBird says...



I loved this poem! It truly feels like a greek myth, and it does explain a lot as greek myths do. I liked how it rhymed, yet, not rhymed. It's hard to put a finger on, but it's good. Keep writing
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Sat Nov 06, 2010 7:58 am
Button says...



I HAVE A KID?!

Kidding. Totally kidding. :P

Anywho- I thought this was good. You have a great meter and a great story; however, I felt like you phrased things very bluntly. If this had been prose, you would have been "telling" rather than "showing". And while this is a pretty passively told story, I would still try to do more "showing" in your poetry. Other than that though, it was nicely done.
And I thought it was funny not only cause of the name but because I have green eyes and brown hair. ^_^
Nice job!

-Coral-
  





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Thu Nov 11, 2010 1:36 am
Kamas says...



Hey Ellie :)

As requested, but I warn you I'm horribly rusty, so please excuse me in advance.

First things first. I recommend you review the concept of an extended metaphor or a conceit.

An extended metaphor being:

An extended metaphor is one where there is a single main subject (1) to which additional subjects (2) and metaphors are applied.


(1) The single main subject:

Your single main subject is the myth you've chosen. Yes? Straightforward enough.
Now this is the more difficult part, you want to pick a theme to your metaphors, that relates to the story, and that you can use to describe the rest of the poem.

My general rule of thumb:
- you have to parts to your poem.
- The first: The story you want to tell/communicate to the reader
ie. The myth of Arborie and Triton
- The second: The theme that influences your descriptions and the extensions of your thoughts.

For the second, it can be something really simple, like everything has to do with the colour blue. Or a very specific topic. Once you have this, you want the two parts to your poem to blend together.

Now this comes after one thing, that I know you know about.
"Showing" rather then "telling"

I know that usually, when it comes to school projects, they ask you to be upfront in your poems. But through your poem I think the closest you get to a metaphor are some comparisons at the beginning:

with eyes greener then the harvest,
and hair browner then the ripest wheat,


and a mild beating around the bush at the end (That is honestly silly, you may as well have said tree.) :

Her body hardened, her hair turned into bark.
Her eyes that were of such vivid color turned to leaves that sprouted from above it.


You write your poetry like you would write a YA short story: a recollection of actions as they happened.

So:

First they did this. Then this. Then this happened. Then that guy did this. Blahblah.
It becomes extremely grocery list like.

I recommend you work on creating a theme and telling a story, through another story.
Try to get your entire poem to mean two things. I did it once, it's somewhere in my portfolio, it's a really useful exercise.
Carefully consider metaphors, explain something to us, by explaining something else.

Phew, I hope I made sense/was helpful. I should really get back to reviewing. x)

Kamas
"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles." ~ Charles Chaplin

#tnt
  





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Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:21 pm
Ligea says...



First off, I really like the myth that you created. It was true to the original mold that the Greek myths were all based on (not an easy thing to do, let me tell you), and you got the fickle natures of the gods right as well. Now here comes bad cop: It's not a prime example of poetry. Free verse, etc. has to have lots and lots of imagery, figurative language, details, and descriptions in order for it to paint that mental picture that poets strive for. I find that the language doesn't flow that well in poem form; it looks like you copied and pasted, then separated it into lines with little editing. I think that this would be a tremendous work of art in its original form, but it still needs a bit of work with the poetry part. Still, for changing it from a short story, it was very good! That's generally very hard to do, as prose and poetry can differ so much from writer to writer. Sometimes the gap is almost impossible to bridge. I think you did a lovely job, and look forward to hearing more of you!
-Ligea
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And without Earth, there would be no oceans, or anything on earth.
  





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Mon Nov 15, 2010 4:01 am
Shadowhunter14 says...



Hey, great poem! I really liked your theme as I myself am a fan of Greek mythology and have always found that particular myth fascinating :)
  





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Thu Nov 18, 2010 3:44 pm
DragonLADY says...



What an interesting assignment you were given! It sounds like a lot of fun.
I definately liked the choice of name; Arborie... very beautiful. Did you make it up? Or find it somewhere? The detail about her green eyes and brown hair are also helpful hints, but for what we don't find out until the end, where all the elements fit together.
The closing also is interesting, but I do wonder, what type of tree did she become? Perhaps a mangrove tree, with her roots in the water; to be ever near to her beloved Triton?
You have been adressed by the Lady of the Dragons, lol
  





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Mon Nov 29, 2010 2:09 am
foreveralone says...



I love this poem , considering the fact that I truly love Greek mythology . Your writing is beautiful and I love the storyline.
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Mon Nov 29, 2010 3:11 am
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screamandshout says...



I loved this. It really flowed in the way Greek myths do, I almost forgot it wasn't actully part of Greek mythology. Keep up the good work.
  





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Mon Nov 29, 2010 11:15 pm
JenGwen says...



Wow cool, really liked it, had some real emotion behind it. I love greek mytholagy anyway, but this is going in my fave poems book.
The four elements of success: Talent, Skills, Try, and Luck. Talent you are born with; Skills you develop; Try is intestinal, fortitude or guts; Luck is spelled w.o.r.k. and is defined when preporation meets opportunity. :D
  








I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say.
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