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Empty Sky



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Thu Oct 07, 2010 9:03 pm
silentpages says...



I sat in the field, baring my face toward the heavens as I watched the stars die. It was a warm summer night. The grass tickled my palms and the soles of my feet. A soft breeze lifted my long hair off my neck. It might’ve been pleasant… If I hadn’t been watching the world end.
I wasn’t the only one in the field. Ratty blankets and lawn chairs were everywhere. Some of the stargazers were loud, like the group of kids from my school, off to my right.
Maybe they’ll ask me to hang out with them... No, they won’t. Should I go sit by them? No… I can’t do that.
They laughed and shouted, swearing and joking, ‘ooh’-ing and ‘ah’-ing like it was the Fourth of July.
But groups like that were rare. Most of the people were quiet, and – like me – they were there alone. Most of us just watched the stars blink out. Not talking. Not making any sound. We just watched, and wondered, and waited.
It wasn’t one by one. They disappeared in threes and fours; sometimes small handfuls at a time. One second they were there, and then… just… gone.
An older woman and her husband sat to my left, on a neat, clean blanket, probably purchased just for the night. Their clothes looked faded, washed out, but then again, this wasn’t some fancy, black-tie event. They’d probably worn the grubbiest clothes they owned. I plucked at stray threads on my worn, hole-filled jeans, glancing at the couple for a moment when the woman started talking, then turning my gaze back to the sky. She had her arms crossed in front of her chest, like she was trying to hold something in. Her husband had an arm around her shoulders and a tight, drawn expression on his face.
And an expensive-looking watch on his wrist. My fingers twitched.
“Can’t they stop it?” the woman whispered. The words sounded volumes louder than the raucous laughter of my classmates, and I was pretty sure everyone in our little patch of field listened, just as I did. “Don’t they know what’s causing it yet?”
There was a long silence. I didn’t look at them again, but I think the man with the watch probably shrugged. Shook his head. Squeezed her shoulder… Something.
Then he spoke. “Don’t worry, hon.”
Don’t worry. Right. Because it was only the end of the universe, after all. No big deal.
“It takes thousands of years for the light from some of those stars to reach Earth… We’ll be dead and gone long before whatever it is reaches us.”
She let out a small sigh that could’ve been of relief. Because her husband was so smart. Smarter than all the scientists who came on the news and basically babbled about science to hide the fact that they didn’t have a clue what was going on. Because who cared if her descendents and the rest of the human race saw the end of Earth as long as she was six feet under when it happened.
Or maybe it was a sigh of dissatisfaction. Because she was smarter than her husband. Because she – like me and my online friends – had already realized that the light from stars thousands of light-years apart all disappearing at the same time meant that whatever ended those stars was moving much, much faster than the speed of light.
Those stars up there didn’t even exist anymore. They were dead. Maybe they’d been dead a long time. They were ghosts, fading slowly as their light continued on after their deaths, the way a screaming woman’s echo might continue on for a few seconds after she drew her last breath.
Twinkle, Twinkle, little star…” The song flashed through my mind. “How I wonder what you are… Up above the world so high. Leaving behind an empty sky…
I played with the rhyme in my head for a few minutes, then gave up. Fell back into the field to give my neck a rest. A few seconds of odd peace passed before the feeling of bugs in my hair sent me back into a position sitting upright.
I suddenly felt like running. I wanted to just get up and start moving. Onto the road, all the way back into the city, where streetlights and neon signs blocked out the stars every night.
I could run fast, like I had after leaving that store I went to last weekend, where I thought one of the cashiers might have noticed something off about me. I’d run down the street, a bulge in my pocket and a light, free feeling in my chest.
But the field was too far away from the city. I was no athlete. I measured my distance traveled in city blocks, not miles. When I left, it would be on one of the shuttle buses, like most of the other gawkers who’d made the trip out into the country to get one last, good, long look.
Some people had brought telescopes. Others, cameras. Everyone wanted to ‘capture the moment’, just like the news anchors told them to. Everyone wanted to see the things their grandchildren might not be able to: stars and polar bears.
I didn’t see the point. If some huge thing, event, whatever, was really out there destroying entire galaxies, who cared if you had footage of the last starry night sky posted on your Facebook page?
But I guess I did care, a little. Or why would I be there? Looking, just like everyone else.
Maybe it was time to stop making the trips out to the field. Maybe it was time to just… Live. I didn’t want to be like the pathetic losers around me who sat and watched because there was nothing they could do to stop it.
But I was like them.
In real life, there was no big mission to send Earth’s finest into space to go battle the darkness. There was no unlikely team of heroes, braving the final frontier and forging friendships and loving relationships along the way.
There was just waiting.
“I can’t stand it anymore,” the woman said with a shudder. “Let’s just go home.”
Back to the city, where stars were obscured by the haze of civilization.
The couple got up and folded their blanket. The woman clutched her purse. They picked their way through the rows of spectators, toward the line of buses that waited in the distance.
I waited a few seconds, then got up and brushed myself off. I followed them. Got on the bus just after them, eyes slipping past those of the bus driver – not the same one I’d ridden out with. Took the empty seat just behind the man and woman.
Others were already on the bus, waiting. Most were asleep, heads tucked into their chests like roosting birds as they tried to make up for lost sleep. They’d have work tomorrow, or school. Appointments, business meetings, dates, tennis lessons at the country club. Packed schedules. They hadn’t really had time to come all the way out into the boonies. But then again, how many more chances would they get to sit and watch the world die?
How many more years, months, weeks, days, would it be before even the ghosts faded and all that was left in the sky were the little moving lights of airplanes and satellites?
The bus started moving. People stirred, changed positions, and peeked past their eyelashes.
I waited until the other passengers settled back down again into at least a half-rest, my gaze skimming over the interior of the bus tiredly, like I was bored.
The man in front of me snored. The woman leaned against him as she slept, still and quiet. They probably had some grandchildren my age. If I were the bus driver, I’d guess that they had grandchildren. Maybe a granddaughter they took with them to stargaze... And if a girl followed them onto the bus, and sat by them, he’d probably assume that she was related.
After all, who else but a granddaughter would reach forward, pull the sleeping woman’s purse toward her, and start rummaging through it? No one outside the family would ever dare.
I took what I wanted from the woman’s purse, discretely slipping the small items into my sweatshirt pocket. I also took a stick of gum from the pack that was there – ladies like her always carried gum, or mints, or something – and popped it halfway into my mouth, letting the end stick out for the driver or the other passengers to see if they were watching. A bored granddaughter taking a stick of gum from her grandma’s purse. Nothing odd about that.
Then I put the purse back onto the seat, next to the woman.
The man looked like a heavy sleeper… But no, it would look too suspicious, taking the watch right off his wrist. There was no reason whatsoever for someone to do that.
I settled back in my seat and rested my head against the window, staring at the farmland we passed by. Certain parts were almost familiar now. I’d seen them on other nights, and would see them again, every other night I came.
A few more pinpricks of light disappeared from the sky as I peered upward.
How much longer until the star-killer came to Earth?
How long before the sky was empty?

___________________________________________

Can we pretend that airplanes, in the night sky, are like shooting stars... I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now... ;) I think I was listening to that song when I started this.
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)
  





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Sat Oct 09, 2010 5:12 am
SporkPunk says...



Hello silentpages!

Grammar:
Unfortunately, I only have one real nitpick with this, and it's really, really nitpicky.

Everyone wanted to ‘capture the moment’, just like the news anchors told them to.

Why single quotes? You need to use double quotes ( " ), always, unless you are already using them. In that case, you'd then use single quotes. For example:

"Jason called me a 'dork-faced, pencil-pushing spaz!'" Jenna exclaimed as she tripped over her own foot.

Plot:
This was so cool! I love, love, love this idea, of people watching the world end, and the dying stars. I liked how you wrote it, and the imagery was decent. The only suggestion I really have right now is that you have so much room to expand this. If you like this idea, you could turn it into more, though as a short story it isn't bad at all. It's quite great really.

Keep Writing!

~Sporks
Grasped by the throat, grasped by the throat. That's how I feel about love. That it's not worth it.

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Sun Oct 10, 2010 11:47 pm
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Zoomie says...



Hello SilentPages.

That was really interesting, and I read through the entire thing without even having my eyes wander for the slightest bit of time. You managed to hold my attention through the whole things and that, my friend, takes a large amount of skill. This felt neither rushed nor forced. It's as if the words just flowed from the tips of your fingers and miraculously fit together to form something amazing. Now, look at me, I'm making writing seem like magic. Which I suppose it is, in its own special way. You have a very neat writing style and I love your character's voice.

The ending left me with a bundle of questions. Why are the stars leaving? What exactly is going on? Why is she stealing so much? Is it because she's poor? What is the name of this "she" anyway? Now, with that said, I honestly do hope you decide to expand on this idea. I would love to read more about what's happening to the starts and the main character's adventures. If you do decide to write more on this topic, please find a way to tell me about it.

Well, that is all.

Ta-ta.
It's that feeling in your heart; the empty void this song brings back and those memories that temporary fill it. We cry because we have to let it go while we still have those emotions back. Even if we only have them for a while.
  





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Tue Oct 12, 2010 3:38 am
ObWriter97 says...



The only thing I have to critique is the fact its a short story~ I just kept wanting to read on for this story. If you wanted to it could be an amazing longer story than this. Nice Idea, Nice description. Love it
  





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Wed Oct 13, 2010 1:00 am
Kale says...



I'll admit I was a fair bit leery of this story when I saw it at the top of the Featured Works list. "Sci-fi on the Featured Works?" I thought. "Let's see how badly the science side was botched."

I can't describe to you just how happy I was to find out my initial thoughts were completely wrong.

This story just flowed so smoothly, and it was so well-grounded in the narrator. First person is difficult to use to its fullest, but I think you've done so here. The things she describes, how she describes them, her thoughts -- everything was so smoothly woven together to paint a picture of her personality, and so the entire story was tinted with her perception. Even the fact that she steals for the thrill was neatly incorporated rather than set out conspicuously, which I really appreciated.

That said, though the science side was light, there was just the perfect amount of it to balance out the story. I liked how the star-killer was a scientific unknown. I loved how you mentioned that it had to be moving faster than light to extinguish so many stars at once. And I adored most of all how all of these points were brought up naturally and tinged by the narrator's perceptions.

My only quibble, and it really is the only one, is how the story ends a bit abruptly.

A few more pinpricks of light disappeared from the sky as I peered upward.

How much longer until the star-killer came to Earth?

How long before the sky was empty?

I think, if you stuck in a "I wondered" in there somewhere, that abruptness would be banished. Something like:
A few more pinpricks of light disappeared from the sky as I peered upward, and I wondered.

or

How long before the sky was empty?

I wondered.

But yes. I really enjoyed reading this story. :3
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Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:10 pm
BenFranks says...



Hey there Silent!

I really enjoyed this piece, especially the way you combined different sentence structuring. The only thing I would like to see is an even bigger push on character construction, like delving even further into the protagonist's mind and playing around with their thoughts maybe as a more psychological twist to the Sci-Fi! But that's just a bit of la-de-da suggestion.

I have to point this out also:
SporkPunk wrote:Hello silentpages!

Grammar:
Unfortunately, I only have one real nitpick with this, and it's really, really nitpicky.

Everyone wanted to ‘capture the moment’, just like the news anchors told them to.

Why single quotes? You need to use double quotes ( " ), always, unless you are already using them. In that case, you'd then use single quotes. For example:

"Jason called me a 'dork-faced, pencil-pushing spaz!'" Jenna exclaimed as she tripped over her own foot.


As much as Spork's point may be solid in the 'general perceived point of view', it is totally alright to use single quotes. Some of the best literate novelists use them and I see no reason why you shouldn't be able to too. The only grammatically proper thing you do need to be aware of is that whichever you do decide to use, please make sure you are consistent in doing so.

Loved this piece,
Ben
  





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Wed Oct 13, 2010 6:17 pm
dreamybanana says...



Hey, I stumbled across this and am glad I did. It’s pretty good, but here are my thoughts for improvement. Let me know if you want me to re-explain anything further, or if you disagree. Sometimes a good debate is better than dismissing something you disagree with. =]

Some of the stargazers were loud – This is something you could show, rather than tell. A bit like how you’ve said ratty blankets were everywhere which was quite specific, so when you say a vague phrase after it, it sounds quite disjointed. How were they being loud? Are we talking about children crying, couples arguing, or banter between friends. So many different types of loud and saying which can help zone in on the tone too. I’ve noticed you’ve done this a little bit further down, but it would flow much more if you had it in one paragraph. I can explain this a little more if you like, if you don’t understand why.

Quite and alone – again, it would be better to show this a little to explain. It’s much more powerful to hone in the specifics of a situation, maybe on one woman in the corner staring at a photo in her shaking grasp, perhaps make it symbolic in some way.

I’ve found you’re use of punctuation a little excessive. I can tell you know how to use each of the features but not so much the effect they have and how less can be more Don’t use them because you can, but because it means something.
they were there, and then… just… gone. – they were there, and then just gone...
The way you’ve used the ellipsis interrupts the flow of the text, and while I know what effect you wanted, its sounds more impressive than meaningful. By placing your ... at the ends, you’ll be more suggestive. It allows a slightly longer pause than a full stop as well as hints to the reader to think back over the sentence.

Although each time you use a form of punctuation or literary technique, it loses its effect. For a piece your size, one or two ellipses should be used at most. With that in mind, do you really need one here? Or is there a place where it would be more effective...

The words sounded volumes louder – The way you’ve used volume here is a unit of space not sound, not because of the spelling. If you think about it you’re actually say it ‘sounds loads louder’ or even ‘it sounds well loud’. It might sound better if you say twice as loud, use a metaphor/simile, or maybe talk about how her ‘whispers echoed’ which suggests that they are loud even though they are quiet. Sort of an oxymoron and a metaphor in one there. All up to you. =]

I found this really interesting, although I wasn’t too sure if it was vague or mysterious. That’s a thin line. You know how to use a spot on metaphor but now need to think more about the effect of your choice of words and punctuation. Good luck. Let me know if you found this helpful.
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Fri Oct 15, 2010 12:03 am
Jrogers says...



I really like the fact that for a 'Sci-Fi' the story was not bogged down with peoples futuristic inventions and different ways of trying to describe a lightsaber in order to make it look like an original idea. This was simple and realistic and was really interesting. The end of the world at the beginning of a story only leads on to greatness (Firefly series or the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy).

The story definitely has room for expansion and I would love to see it. This young lead character who has seemingly no interest in stopping this and who even mocks the idea of a group of heroes saving the day could be the one leading the fight against the Star Killer, it is perfect irony and really well written.

Thank you for posting this
  





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Sat Nov 06, 2010 1:49 pm
aweqs says...



Hey :))

I am quite new to this website, and I am really impressed by the quality of the work here!
This story really grabbed me, and I really hope you write more;this could make a great novel- it has so many ways it could go!
I didnt notice any bad grammar, or bad use of punctuation... but maybe that was because I was so engrossed with the plot! :)
I had a great image of the scene in my head, and the 'murderer of the stars' is a REALLY great idea.
I find it quite scary actually :)
Please write more!!

-Ava

/Isha:/= To be honest, we are talking about mostly nothing which in its own essence is something. But somethingness can't be nothing if there isn't nothing in the first place. So really, we're talking about meaningly somethingness that's technically caused by nothingness.


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Sun Nov 28, 2010 2:19 am
Eliza:) says...



Because who cared if her descendents and the rest of the human race saw the end of Earth as long as she was six feet under when it happened.

Descendents is spelled descendants.

Or maybe it was a sigh of dissatisfaction. Because she was smarter than her husband.

There is no reason for she and husband to be italicized.

I played with the rhyme in my head for a few minutes, then gave up. Fell back into the field to give my neck a rest.

There should be an I in from of fell, or there should be a comma after up and fell should be falling.


This is a good story. It makes me want to read more. The characters and the way they reacted is realistic.
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Thu Jan 13, 2011 2:29 am
ShadowKnight155 says...



After browsing this site, the thing that seems to be missing from peoples' reviews is mood. Its hard to create a good mood for a story like this. Also, the other thing is that, to me, mood is what I remember most. I don't care how amazing of a writer you are, if you lack the meaning of mood, your writings become pointless.

The story itself is very interesting. It is very descriptive and you have burned an image into my mind. However, as I said before, your story seems to lack mood. The colors my mind created in my head seemed fake. It seemed too colorful. I don't know exactly what kind of mood you were trying to reach, but this is the impression I got.

I would recommend giving a description of the atmosphere. You know how you just feel it in real life? Say something that says what people are focused on, somehow, it feels like something is missing when you leave that as an assumption. I obviously don't know your character, as you left it out on purpose I am sure, but this is an example of what you could say:
"Even though there were so many people, it felt as though I were alone. The stars felt like they were watching me. It made me sick, I couldn't understand the feeling." Does that make sense?

And, again with the ellipses, I know the impulse to use them, but fight it off. I wanted to use one in my example, but I know it is better to hold it to maintain suspense when you really need it.
-ShadowKnight155
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Sun Jan 16, 2011 10:50 am
tommyknocker says...



Well with the amount of reviews there's no point in me saying much. It's basically all being covered.

Great Job.

~ T.K
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Sun Jan 16, 2011 2:46 pm
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SleepWalker says...



This might sound stupid but I loved how you kept the beauty of the whole world dying throughout the story. Though the idea scares me the way you put it almost made me want to see it happening.
Very good, I loved it.
  





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Sun Jan 16, 2011 3:05 pm
IcyFlame says...



This was really interesting, I usually get distracted reading something on a computer screen (who doesn't ?) but you kept me hooked all the way through! Carry on just like that and remember to watch your tenses. Certain words can make it confusing just by using an appostrophe instead of the full word. e.g. That was instead of that's - see my point?

Keep Writing!
  





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Wed Feb 02, 2011 6:33 pm
PandaAiKorai says...



Is there a second part? Don't leave me hanging! As with the first commenter, I do agree that there are a few grammatical errors that you need to just adjust on, but for the most part, I greatly enjoyed what you had to share! It all sort of reminds me of a galactic version of Aladdin, a street rat adjusting lifestyles while still living up the life of the poor. Yes, that is just me. I hope you continue writing!

~Panda;;
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