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Young Writers Society


star dust (chapter 2)



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Mon Jul 12, 2010 3:39 am
katchaerin says...



NTSS (Normal Things Suck Sometimes)


I’m pretty relieved when I got to school looking perfectly normal. If I met someone new, I knew that he wouldn’t suspect a thing about my recent misfortunes.

I shuffled my feet while waiting for Karla, ironing my pink pleated skirt. I kept my head down from the students who passed by, hands cupped on their mouths, constantly sneering at me whenever they get the chance to see me looking at them. Were they just talking about the embarrassing wallpaper?

“Hey, c’mon,” Karla smiled. I smiled back. It was a lot easier for me whenever Karla’s around. I felt safe being beside her. I knew she could handle simple problems, like the ones I have, confidently. She seemed like my hero.

“What do you have for lunch?” Karla asked me as I opened my lunch box. She peeked inside.

“Chicken nuggets,” I frowned. Why did she have to ask? She knew I always had chicken nuggets. I stood up.

“Where are you going?” she asked as she opened her lunch. Hers was bistek – one of my favorites.

“I’m buying some veggie soup, to pair with my food. Plus, I’m getting some mango juice. Do you want me to get you something?”

“Coke would be fine, thank you,” she said sweetly, handing me some change.
I looked around, went to the counter, and ordered. I wheeled around and got to face the person I wanted to see me the least – Mark.

I guessed he didn’t see me for he was counting some bills from his wallet. I took the chance and turned to the right. I just hope he wouldn’t see me. Oh, please, may he not.

I exhaled deeply in relief as I sat back down in front of Karla.

“Thanks,” Karla said as soon as I handed her the coke she wanted. “Hey – what happened?”

I told her everything. I expected her to sympathize with me, but she laughed.

“Paranoia, Alex. You’re being paranoid,” she chuckled.

“Ha-ha, Karla,” I said sarcastically.

“You know,” she started. “Time passes by really quickly, Lex. You’ll see. After a few days, everyone will forget about it.”

I nodded, hoping, that if I try to pretend that I believed, things would turn out the way Karla said it would.

I glutted a spoonful of rice and stared at Karla. Karla, I guessed, wouldn’t be able to feel the way I feel. Besides, she almost always does everything right.

“Alex,” she said waving her spoon and fork in front of me. “Aren’t you going to consume your vegetable soup? Can I have it?”

“Sure.” I pushed the bowl towards her. “You’re lucky you don’t get fat. Where do you put all the food you eat?”

I chewed slowly, but I just realized I sounded a bit irritated. Who could blame me? Karla eats a lot, but she stays the same, slim Karla. Karla laughed.

“Oh, c’mon. Don’t tell you’ve forgotten. I play sports, Lex.”

I gulped down the last of my mango juice.

“That reminds me,” I said. “Have you tried out for the volleyball team? Are you going to join for this year’s school intramurals?”

Karla grinned. “Of course! I’m trying out this afternoon. Do you want to come?”

“Me? No, thanks. I think I’m better off sitting around the campus. You know, to think.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

I was really glad that that conversation ended. It’s not that I’m jealous at Karla or something. I just didn’t want her to think that I badly wanted to join some club. Unfortunately, I never seem to be good at anything, and I had to accept it.

“Want some unripe mango?” Karla’s perky voice said.

I grinned.

“With uyap? Salted shrimp paste?” I asked, excitedly.

We laughed our way out of the cafeteria, holding a bag of our favorite dessert. I pursed my lips and squinted my eyes. I just love the tangy taste of the mango and the saltiness of the uyap.

“Mama says we shouldn’t eat too much of this,” I said as I poked a cube of mango from the bag with a barbecue stick. Vendors always cut them in cube shapes to make them easier for eating.

“I’ve heard of that, too” Karla replied. “But I don’t think I know why.”

“Old folks say, that if you eat too much of unripe mango, your period wouldn’t come regularly. Or sometimes, you’d have a bad case of dysmenorrhoea.”

“And you believe in that?”

I shrugged. I sure hope it isn’t true. I just couldn’t imagine that my favorite dessert, a fruit, could do that.

“It isn’t proven by doctors, yet,” Karla continued. “C’mon. This food may be good, but the uyap stinks. Let’s wash our hands.”

After washing our hands, Karla told me she had to attend some kind of meeting for potential volleyball players, so I had to go back to our classroom myself. I sighed as I dumped my notebooks on my desk and plopped myself down on my seat. Luckily, it was still thirty minutes before the time, so most people weren’t around the classroom, yet. I had the whole thirty minutes to myself to think. I looked around the room to see who were inside. I spotted AJ at the corner. AJ Dionisio had been my classmate since fifth grade, but we never really got to talk for more than a hundred words. I didn’t like him. He’s cute, yes. But, I hated his personality. The first time I talked to him, he talked about things beyond my understanding, like things about dying, and things about weak people. Last time, when I was in sixth grade, I laughed at a young beggar who got hit by a mean police officer. Moments after, AJ threatened to hit me, too. Fortunately, Karla talked a way out of it, so we left AJ, tight-jawed and still mad at me. We haven’t talked after that.

AJ was too busy to notice me looking at him. He was writing something on a bunch of index cards. I figured it was his turn in reporting for History.

I continued looking at him. If I hadn’t talked to him before and just looked at him from afar, I could’ve had a crush on him. His skin was fair, his black hair turned a little brownish when hit by sunlight, his smoldering brown eyes were almost – perfect. Blech. I can’t believe I was checking him out.

I was snuggling in my desk when someone came in the room.

“Is Rheynna around?”

It was Mark Ting. I sucked in my breath, hoping he wouldn’t see me. I pretended to bend down and reach my pen, and then, SCREECH!

My metal desk moved. I raised my head, slowly. Mark saw me! What could be worse than this?

He stared at me for another three seconds, and then grimaced, before he left the room.

“What’s up with him?” I heard AJ grumble.

I kept silent until the bell rang. Finally. Students began getting inside, while AJ put up some of his visual aids on the board.

“Who’s reporting this afternoon?” Mrs. Marohombsar’s soft voice tinkled with her bangles. Mrs. Marohombsar is a pure Maranao, a Muslim tribe in the Philippines, and she wears a lot of bangles, pairing them with her clothes and kumbong. This time, she’s in lavender.

I like her a lot, when she’s not giving us long quizzes or oral reports.

“Ah...Mr. Dionisio,” she called out from her list. “You’re reporting now, aren’t you?”

AJ nodded.

The report was long, but at least we didn’t get to have a quiz today. The only problem I’d be having next, is the long test we’re having next meeting about AJ’s report. I groaned when Mrs. Marohombsar announced our upcoming test. Everyone groans when she does it every time someone finishes his report.

“Going home?” I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Karla.
I nodded, hoping she’s coming home with me.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t go home right away,” she explained. “I have volleyball practice. You could go home ahead.”

Going home alone is the worst. Not only do you squish yourself alone in a hot jeepney, you also don’t get to have someone to talk to when something embarrasses you. I get embarrassed all the time, and without Karla, everything is a disaster. This time, I bumped my head at the roof of the jeepney while getting in, pouring uyap from my bag of unripe mango to my uniform. Now I smell like a dead rat. While others may think of it as normal, I think of it as a major humiliating event – seriously. And the worse part – if it still is possible – no one in the jeepney cared to pass my fare to the driver. I kept my hand, with coins, in the midair, waiting for someone to pass it on. Bummer.
I arrived home in a foul mood. Passing by my younger brother’s room, I heard him jumping up and down on his bed after some kind of rock band’s song.

I got in my room and dumped my homework on my table. Recalling the events that happened a while back, everything seemed so normal. I almost always experience those kinds of things. But what am I so pissed for? Maybe Karla was right. I was just being paranoid because of some stupid wallpaper that got out.

I approached my computer, felt its monitor, and turned it on. I guess I’ll surf the web for some native desserts I’ll let Ben make for me, if he's not in a bad mood.
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Sat Jul 17, 2010 5:21 pm
spiderman says...



I am writing this reveiw as I read it.
The start of the chapter: I love how you jump straight to the story. Karla seems like a realistic nice friend and Alex seems like a paranoid dork (lol). Not much description here but love the dialogue. You might just want to add the name of the school or something.

The end: You introduce AJ. Great, another character. The story needs more characters to make it more exciting. She spills juice on the bus and smells no one bothers to help. Lol. The end of this chapter wasn't suspenceful, but it wasnt bad.
Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses

WHISPERS IN THE DARK LYRICS - SKILLET
  





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Sun Jul 18, 2010 4:34 pm
ziggiefred says...



Hello there and welcome to YWS! :)

So, I found this a bit unflattering. You seemed to confuse your tenses a lot and it was distracting.
For example
I’m pretty relieved when I got to school looking perfectly normal.
should be, I was pretty relieved when I got to school looking perfectly normal.


I kept my head down from the students who passed by, hands cupped on their mouths, constantly sneering at me whenever they get the chance to see me looking at them.
I kept my head down from the students who passed by, hands cupped on their mouths, constantly sneering at me whenever they got the chance to see me looking at them.


Your grammar all through out needs a lot of work. You also need to work on the narration and other elements like suspense and originality to make the story interesting and worthwhile. Your writing does show a lot of potential, there were some parts in there where your descriptions were really good; but it needs more work. Keep writing, practice makes perfect.

Ziggie
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Sun Jul 25, 2010 3:14 am
Lava says...



Hello again.

Okay even though this chapter was written much better than the previous one,I found it to be a bit boring. I would like something to happen. Describing the mundane daily life can tire a reader.
Anyway, your dialogue was good in this. Keep it up. :)

As ziggie said, your tenses are a bit messed up, quite abit. Read this piece over aloud and fix the tenses wherever you feel it isn't right.
The first half was pretty okay; it showed us the type of friendship between Karla and Alex. The second half was what got me boring. It was like another hour at school. You should try to add something interesting. Spice it up. You don't need an extra scene to show the increase in the 'foul mood.' I would like your story to start picking up the pace.

Hope to've helped.
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  





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Sun Jul 25, 2010 6:17 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



I’m (I was) pretty relieved when I got to school looking perfectly normal. If I met someone new, I knew that he wouldn’t suspect a thing about my recent misfortunes.

I shuffled my feet while waiting for Karla, ironing my pink pleated skirt. I kept my head down from the students who passed by, hands cupped on their mouths, constantly sneering at me whenever they get the chance to see me looking at them. Were they just talking about the embarrassing wallpaper?

Fix that middle sentence.

“Hey, c’mon,” Karla smiled. I smiled back. It was a lot easier for me whenever Karla’s around. I felt safe being beside her. I knew she could handle simple problems, like the ones I have, confidently. She seemed like my hero.

“What do you have for lunch?” Karla asked me as I opened my lunch box. She peeked inside.

“Chicken nuggets,” I frowned. Why did she have to ask? She knew I always had chicken nuggets. I stood up.

“Where are you going?” she asked as she opened her lunch. Hers was bistek – one of my favorites.

“I’m buying some veggie soup, to pair with my food. Plus, I’m getting some mango juice. Do you want me to get you something?”

“Coke would be fine, thank you,” she said sweetly, handing me some change.
I looked around, went to the counter, and ordered. I wheeled around and got to face the person I wanted to see me the least – Mark.

I guessed he didn’t see me for he was counting some bills from his wallet. I took the chance and turned to the right. I just hope he wouldn’t see me. Oh, please, may he not.

Now your voice sounds all… fancy. It’s weird. And thoughts should always be in italics.


I exhaled deeply in relief as I sat back down in front of Karla.

“Thanks,” Karla said as soon as I handed her the coke she wanted. “Hey – what happened?”

I told her everything. I expected her to sympathize with me, but she laughed.

I told her, expecting sympathy but she laughed. Does that sound a little better to you?

“Paranoia, Alex. You’re being paranoid,” she chuckled.

“Ha-ha, Karla,” I said sarcastically.

“You know,” she started. “Time passes by really quickly, Lex. You’ll see. After a few days, everyone will forget about it.”

I nodded, hoping, that if I try to pretend that I believed, things would turn out the way Karla said it would.

Another awkward sentence. Say it aloud and fix it.


I glutted a spoonful of rice and stared at Karla. Karla, I guessed, wouldn’t be able to feel the way I feel. Besides, she almost always does everything right.

“Alex,” she said waving her spoon and fork in front of me. “Aren’t you going to consume your vegetable soup? Can I have it?”

“Sure.” I pushed the bowl towards her. “You’re lucky you don’t get fat. Where do you put all the food you eat?”

Alex sounds so mean to me.

I chewed slowly, but I just realized I sounded a bit irritated. Who could blame me? Karla eats a lot, but she stays the same, slim Karla. Karla laughed.

“Oh, c’mon. Don’t tell you’ve forgotten. I play sports, Lex.”

I gulped down the last of my mango juice.

“That reminds me,” I said. “Have you tried out for the volleyball team? Are you going to join for this year’s school intramurals?”

Karla grinned. “Of course! I’m trying out this afternoon. Do you want to come?”

“Me? No, thanks. I think I’m better off sitting around the campus. You know, to think.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

I was really glad that that conversation ended. It’s not that I’m jealous at Karla or something (anything). I just didn’t want her to think that I badly wanted to join some club. Unfortunately, I never seem to be good at anything, and I had to accept it.

“Want some unripe mango?” Karla’s perky voice said.

I grinned.

“With uyap? Salted shrimp paste?” I asked, excitedly.

We laughed our way out of the cafeteria, holding a bag of our favorite dessert. I pursed my lips and squinted my eyes. I just love the tangy taste of the mango and the saltiness of the uyap.

I just love the tang of the mango combined with the salty zap of the uyap.

“Mama says we shouldn’t eat too much of this,” I said as I poked a cube of mango from the bag with a barbecue stick. Vendors always cut them in cube shapes to make them easier for eating.

“I’ve heard of that, too” Karla replied. “But I don’t think I know why.”

“Old folks say, that if you eat too much of unripe mango, your period wouldn’t come regularly. Or sometimes, you’d have a bad case of dysmenorrhoea.”

What in the world is that??? How do any of them know what they’re talking about? Maybe I’m stupid, and I’m not a doctor and I have no idea what that means.

“And you believe in that?”

I shrugged. I sure hope it isn’t true. I just couldn’t imagine that my favorite dessert, a fruit, could do that.

“It isn’t proven by doctors, yet,” Karla continued. “C’mon. This food may be good, but the uyap stinks. Let’s wash our hands.”

After washing our hands, Karla told me she had to attend some kind of meeting for potential volleyball players, so I had to go back to our classroom myself. I sighed as I dumped my notebooks on my desk and plopped myself down on my seat. Luckily, it was still thirty minutes before the time (bell), so most people weren’t around the classroom, yet. I had the whole thirty minutes to myself to think. I looked around the room to see who were (was) inside. I spotted AJ at the corner. AJ Dionisio had been my classmate since fifth grade, but we never really got to talk for more than a hundred words. I didn’t like him. He’s cute, yes. But, I hated his personality. The first time I talked to him, he talked about things beyond my understanding, like things about dying, and things about weak people. Last time, when I was in sixth grade, I laughed at a young beggar who got hit by a mean police officer. Moments after, AJ threatened to hit me, too. Fortunately, Karla talked a way out of it, so we left AJ, tight-jawed and still mad at me. We haven’t talked after that.

AJ was too busy to notice me looking at him. He was writing something on a bunch of index cards. I figured it was his turn in reporting for History.

I continued looking at him. If I hadn’t talked to him before and just looked at him from afar, I could’ve had a crush on him. His skin was fair, his black hair turned a little brownish when hit by sunlight, his smoldering brown eyes were almost – perfect. Blech. I can’t believe I was checking him out.

I was snuggling in my desk when someone came in the room.

“Is Rheynna around?”

It was Mark Ting. I sucked in my breath, hoping he wouldn’t see me. I pretended to bend down and reach my pen, and then, SCREECH!

My metal desk moved. I raised my head, slowly. Mark saw me! What could be worse than this?

He stared at me for another three seconds, and then grimaced, before he left the room.

“What’s up with him?” I heard AJ grumble.

I kept silent until the bell rang. Finally. Students began getting inside, while AJ put up some of his visual aids on the board.

“Who’s reporting this afternoon?” Mrs. Marohombsar’s soft voice tinkled with her bangles. Mrs. Marohombsar is a pure Maranao, a Muslim tribe in the Philippines, and she wears a lot of bangles, pairing them with her clothes and kumbong. This time, she’s in lavender.

I like her a lot, when she’s not giving us long quizzes or oral reports.

“Ah...Mr. Dionisio,” she called out from her list. “You’re reporting now, aren’t you?”

AJ nodded.

The report was long, but at least we didn’t get to have a quiz today. The only problem I’d be having next, is the long test we’re having next meeting about AJ’s report. I groaned when Mrs. Marohombsar announced our upcoming test. Everyone groans when she does it every time someone finishes his report.

“Going home?” I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Karla.
I nodded, hoping she’s coming home with me.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t go home right away,” she explained. “I have volleyball practice. You could go home ahead.”

Going home alone is the worst. Not only do you squish yourself alone in a hot jeepney, you also don’t get to have someone to talk to when something embarrasses you. I get embarrassed all the time, and without Karla, everything is a disaster. This time, I bumped my head at the roof of the jeepney while getting in, pouring uyap from my bag of unripe mango to my uniform. Now I smell like a dead rat. While others may think of it as normal, I think of it as a major humiliating event – seriously. And the worse part – if it still is possible – no one in the jeepney cared to pass my fare to the driver. I kept my hand, with coins, in the midair, waiting for someone to pass it on. Bummer.
I arrived home in a foul mood. Passing by my younger brother’s room, I heard him jumping up and down on his bed after some kind of rock band’s song.

I got in my room and dumped my homework on my table. Recalling the events that happened a while back, everything seemed so normal. I almost always experience those kinds of things. But what am I so pissed for? Maybe Karla was right. I was just being paranoid because of some stupid wallpaper that got out.

I approached my computer, felt its monitor, and turned it on. I guess I’ll surf the web for some native desserts I’ll let Ben make for me, if he's not in a bad mood.


This chapter was a lot better than the first one to me. You’re introducing new characters, which is good, and I really like the emo-ish kid and the teacher. However, I’m still liking your main character less and less. Maybe it’s just me, but it still seems like she’s uber jealous of even her best friend, and judges everyone else in ways that she herself complains about being judged. She’s mean to her brother, and then she says ‘I’ll have him make stuff for me cuz I suck’. Also, I was surprised that she laughed at the poor hobo. It felt horrible to me.
I think your writing improved, though, so keep at it! Any questions let me know.
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk
  








An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that life's going to launch you into something great, so just focus and keep aiming.
— Unknown