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For the Love of Fashion Chp 1



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Sat Jul 10, 2010 8:49 pm
Leilani says...



“Good morning, sleepy folks! It is a beautiful sunny Monday morning. I can smell fresh coffee and you know it‘s time for work. Haha. I’m Ted Riley. And this is 94.1.”

[i]I’m all out of love….I’m so lost without you. I knew you were right….


I groaned and stretched my left arm and hit the snooze button to shut the alarm clock up. Love. I hate love. Never felt it. Never had it. Except my parents, they show it very clearly to me with their hugs and kisses. But they’re traveling the world right now. They're probably somewhere in the middle of Egypt exploring the Great Pyramids.

Well, today is the first day of my life. I am now out of high school with a diploma. No job. Again. I have never quite had a success with finding a job. It was either they’re full or they just don’t want another person to split the money. And it’s December. Yep, that long.

Greeeaat.

My parents left me with a trust fund of one thousand dollars a month because, well, they’re rich; and they can do anything they want since they own five nail and spa salons named after me. Ellen’s Nails and Spa. Nice, huh?

Well, not really. I mean, who would leave their eighteen year old daughter a one-thousand dollar trust fun and just leave? I haven’t been spending it much lately. Too busy paying for my apartment rent that cost, oh about, nine hundred and ninety-five a month. Expensive, yes. But it’s for the good of me. My parents wants the best for me, and I’ve got it. Since it’s Monday morning, like Ted Riley said, I might as well sleep in; but since I can’t because I have to go look for a job, I am forced to get up.

If you’re wondering why would I need a job with a trust fund that could make a kid with an allowance of five bucks a day jealous, it’s because, well, I don’t want to feel like a lazy bum. There you go.

I yawned, stretched lazily, swung both my legs over the bed, slipped my foot into my pink house slippers, and walked to the bathroom. I didn’t need to check how I look. Long crazy black hair. Brown Asian eyes. Strong stubborn chin that I got from my dad. Also some Mexican heritage that I also got from my dad. Of course, being Vietnamese has some advantages. But I just can’t name them right now.

I always knew I wasn’t fully Asian, since my eyes were a little bit bigger than most kids’. I just didn‘t look..Asian. On top of that, I was boobless.

I turned on the shower to lukewarm while stripping my Scooby Doo pajamas off to toss them in the hamper and stepped in the shower. After the shower, I stepped back out to my room wearing only a towel to walk into my closet.

“Let’s see what we’re going to wear today. Oh, wait, nothing because I suck at fashion and styling,” I muttered to myself while going through each piece of clothing. I decided to pick a black long sleeve t shirt with dark blue jeans. And by the looks of the weather outside of the window, I picked a nice jacket to go with a white scarf. After doing the jean dance, I wrapped the scarf around my neck and tied my hair into a messy bun. No makeup. Hey, it’s Monday. Everyone’s suppose to look crappy.

I grab the car keys off the dresser and walked down stairs to grab an apple for breakfast. I looked around the living room that was painted in such a bland color; it hurt my eyes to look at it. Once I was finished eating, I stepped out, locking the door behind me.

“Ellen, nice to see you. With no makeup again.” The landlord, Bitch – I mean, Becky – sneered at me. Becky has dirty blonde hair that she always puts in a tight bun that made her forehead seems bigger than it actually is. Today she is wearing just a white tank top and jeans. Thank god, she does not have that smelly cancer stick in her mouth.

“Hi, Becky. Yes, with no makeup. I don’t have time to make myself look pretty. Too much can cause me to break out.”

“It wouldn’t hurt to put on a little bit of foundation or lip gloss-”

“Goodbye Becky,” I announced, taking the elevator.

“Damn woman. Gets on my nerves,” I muttered when the elevator door closed. Light music played while the numbers went all the way from five to one. The doors opened with a ding, and I stepped out.

“Good morning, Miss Lee,” the receptionist said, smiling at me. I smiled back. “Morning, Mike. Beautiful day.”

Mike, a nice receptionist whom I met the first day I moved in the apartment. He always liked me because of my eyes and smile. How did I know? He wrote a three page long essay on what he liked about me and it was my eyes and smile that stood out the most to him. For 5 months, he has been trying to ask me out and sadly, he is not succeeding.

“Yes, well, I was wondering if you are doing anything tonight.”

Here we go again.

“…there’s this band that’s going to be playing at the Philips Arena and-”

I turned around, giving him a small but sympathetic smile. “That sounds really wonderful, Mike. It really does. But you know me. I don’t stay out after ten. I have a beauty sleep.”

Mike’s face went from hopeful to sad. “Right. I understand.”

“I’m sorry Mike. Maybe a small coffee talk sometime?”

“Of course.”

I smiled at him again and walked to the parking lot to retrieve my car. My….black dented crappy truck. One of the valets appeared was standing there, probably on his break.

“I’ve never seen a girl drive a truck before,” he said to me. Is he serious? That’s the best pickup line he ever use?

“It makes me feel powerful and manly, and that I can run over people like you, and not get a stain.” He shut up right after that. I unlocked the front door and slid in, shutting it after me. The truck roared to life and I leaned back, happy and disappointed that it is still alive. I hate this truck.

I drove to Starbucks and found a parking space near the shop.
The smell of fresh roasted coffee made me feel warm inside and outside. Monday mornings can be very cold but when you have a cup of coffee, everything‘s all right. Before I knew it, I was next in line.

“Hi, what would you like?”

“Regular, black please.” I put my purse on the counter to take out my wallet as soon as she came back with my coffee.

“$3.75.”
I handed her the money while putting my wallet back in, zipping my purse up. Come to Mama. I picked up the hot coffee and sipped it. Okay, well time to start looking for a job. This is going to be a pain in the a-

Hot coffee. It does not go well with clothes and skin. No, it’s not on me. It’s on the most important person in the world. Josephina Garcia. Editor-in-chief of Love & Glamour magazine.
Totatlly revised ^_^ if there are any more mistakes please inform me but thank you for reading my story and once again thank you for pointing out the mistakes that I made. I really appreciate your sharp eyes xD
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Last edited by Leilani on Fri Jul 16, 2010 2:00 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Happiness is a perfume you can not pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself <3
  





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Sat Jul 10, 2010 9:30 pm
LittlePrincess says...



Why Hello :)

Same Asian eyes. Same chin that I got from my dad. And some Mexican that I also got from my dad.

I always knew I wasn’t fully Asian.


Some mexican what? I don't think just saying some mexican works there because you are using the same this and the same that. You know? And maybe instead of saying Asian be more specific.

“Let’s see what we’re going to wear today. Oh wait, nothing because I suck at fashion and styling.”

I like this line because it characterizes her except it doesn't really make sense because she isn't wearing nothing. Maybe something like, "Oh wait, it doesn't matter"

jean dance

Hm, maybe be more descriptive on what that means rather than saying "jean dance"

I looked around the living room that was painted in such a bland color, it hurts my eyes to look at

What color?

“Goodbye Becky.” I announced, taking the elevator

Don't use announce, more like... called after me? Even just said works.

...while the numbers go all the way from ...

Went instead of go (you want a consistent tense)

The receptionist-ass kisser said smiling at me.

I understand the character, in that she is basically bored with life, right? But right now you have introduced two characters and she basically hates them both. In my opinion the MC shouldn't be so ...rude? ...mean? You know.

that I can run over people like you, and not get a stain

Again, I don't think she should be so hateful for no reason, it makes the MC unlikeable.

make it look like my truck is going to eat the small car.

I don't know.. I feel like that is unnecessary, but if you want to keep it maybe rephrase it so it's not repetitive with "small car"

Hot coffee. It does not go well with clothes and skin. No, it’s not on me. It’s on the most important person in the world. Josephina Garcia. Editor-in-chief of Love & Glamour magazine.

Wait...what?

Okay so it may seem like I have a lot of comments but your story is really good! In fact I really want to read more. It's slightly cliche in that it is a story that has been done but that doesn't mean it won't be great! I really like it and I think you did a good job characterizing her as bitter, which can be changed by love of course ;) Just a little too hateful for my taste. Anyway, keep up the good work! :) PM me any questions!
"One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."
The Little Prince
  





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Sun Jul 11, 2010 7:48 pm
VehementWriter says...



Hello! My name is Sam and I’ll be reviewing your novel today =) .

Now that we're past that dorky introduction, let us move forward :D

If you click on the spoiler you will find a full rewrite of your post with my corrections and on-site comments. As for a more generalized review, look below the spoiler button.
Spoiler! :
Red = My corrections or suggestions.
Bold = My comments.
Underline = What I’ll be commenting on.
Red Strikethrough = Omit
= I started new paragraph.
“Good morning, sleepy folks! It is a beautiful sunny Monday morning. I can smell fresh coffee and you know it‘s time for work. Haha. I’m Ted Riley. And this 94.1.”

I’m all out of love….I’m so lost without you. I knew you were right….


I groaned and stretched my left arm and hit the snooze button to shut it [Since you haven’t actually mentioned the alarm clock before, it would make more sense to go ahead and do so here.] up. Love. I hate love. Never felt it. Never had it. Except my parents, [Meaning that she had it with her parents? Or that she saw it in her parents?] but they’re traveling the world. Probably somewhere in the middle of Egypt by now.

Well, today, (No comma after today) is the first day of my life. I am now out of high school with a diploma. No job. Again. [Does this mean she lost a job? Or that she hasn’t landed a job yet? …If it’s the latter, I’d suggest using still.] And it’s December. Yep, that long.

Greeeaat.

My parents left me with a trust fund of one thousand dollars a month because, well, they’re rich; and they can do anything they want since they own five nail and spa salons named after me. Ellen’s Nails and Spa. Nice, huh?

Well, not really. I mean, who would leave their eighteen year old daughter on a one-thousand dollar trust fun and just leave? I haven’t been spending it much lately. Too busy paying for my apartment rent that cost, oh about, nine hundred and ninety[color=red]-five a month. Expensive, yes. But it’s for the good of me. My parents wants the best for me, and I’ve got it. Since it’s Monday morning, like Ted Riley said, I might as well sleep in; but since I can’t, [Why can’t she?] and need to look for a job, I am forced to get up.

If you’re wondering why would I need a job with a trust fun that could make a kid with an allowance of five bucks a day jealous, it’s because, well, I don’t want to feel like a lazy bum. There ya go.

I yawned, and stretched lazily, and swung both my legs over the bed, and slipped my foot into my pink house slippers, and walked to the bathroom. [It’s one of the most basic rules – save for very particular cases, you never say “and and and and and” when stating a list of actions/things. It’s just too repetitive and unnecessary. We use commas instead.] I didn’t need to check how I look. Same crazy black hair. Same Asian eyes. Same chin that I got from my dad. And some Mexican [It’s already been pointed out, but just that I’d add that I agree.] that I also got from my dad.

I always knew I wasn’t fully Asian, since, [<-No comma] my eyes were a little bit bigger than most kids. And a boobless body. [Okay, so grammatically it’s incorrect… you should have something like And I had a boobless body; but even that sounds… awkward. As if one was supposed to have boobs all over or something. Maybe something like And I was boobless.]

I turned on the shower to lukewarm while stripping my Scooby Doo pajamas off to toss them in the hamper and stepped in [to the hamper?]. After the shower, I stepped back out to my room wearing only a towel to walk into my closet.

“Let’s see what we’re going to wear today. Oh, wait, nothing because I suck at fashion and styling.” I muttered to myself while going through each clothing. [’clothing’ by definition is plural, so it doesn’t make sense for you to say “through each clothing.” It should be something like ‘through each piece of clothing’.] I decided to pick a black long sleeve t shirt with dark blue jeans. And by the looks outside of the window, I picked a nice jacket to go with a white scarf. After doing the jean dance, I wrapped the scarf around my neck and tied my hair into a messy bun. No makeup. Hey, it’s Monday. Everyone’s suppose to look crappy.

I grab the car keys off the dresser and walked down stairs to grab an apple for breakfast. I looked around the living room that was painted in such a bland color; it hurts my eyes to look at it. Once I was finished eating, I stepped out, locking the door behind me.

“Ellen, nice to see you. With no makeup again.” The landlord, BitchI mean, Beckysaid to me.

“Hi, Becky. Yes, with no makeup. I don’t have time to make myself look pretty. Too much can cause me to break out.”

“It wouldn’t hurt to put on a little bit of foundation or lip gloss-”

“Goodbye Becky.” I announced, taking the elevator.

“Damn woman. Gets on my nerves.” I muttered when the elevator door closed. Light music played while the numbers went all the way from five to one. The doors opened with a ding, and I stepped out.

“Good morning, Miss Lee.” The receptionist-ass kisser said, smiling at me. I smiled back. “Morning, Mike. Beautiful day.”

“Yes, well, I was wondering if you are doing anything tonight.”

Oh crap. Not again.

“…there’s this band that’s going to be playing at the Philips Arena and-”

I turned around, giving him a small but sympathetic smile. “That sounds really wonderful, Mike. It really does. But you know me. I don’t stay out after ten. I have a beauty sleep.”

Mike’s face went from hopeful to sad. “Right. I understand.”

“I’m sorry Mike. Maybe a small coffee talk sometime?”

“Of course.”

I smiled at him again and walked to the parking lot to retrieve my car. My….crappy truck. One of the valets was there.
[Crappy how? We still have no clear picture of the car and suddenly this valet shows up. It’s an awkward jump.]

“I’ve never seen a girl drive a truck before.” He said to me.

“It makes me feel powerful, and that I can run over people like you, and not get a stain.” He shut up right after that. I unlocked the front door and slid in, shutting it after me. The truck roared to life and I leaned back, happy that it is still alive and disappointed that it is still alive. I hate this truck.

[I agree with the previous comment… why does she hate people so much for seemingly no good reason at all? If there were in fact a good reason (like, they did something to her) then maybe this would be a good place to add some background? (Or well, in each of the cases when she expresses her unfounded hate disdain?)]

I drove to Starbucks and parked it [She parked the starbucks?] in behind a small car to make it look like my truck were going to eat the small car it.

The smell of fresh roasted coffee made me feel warm inside and outside. Monday mornings are very cold. I was next in line.
[Too much jumping around again. Mondays are cold and I was next in line… huh?]

“Hi, what would you like?”

“Regular, black please.” I put my purse on the counter to take out my wallet as soon as she came back with my coffee.

$3.75.”
I handed her the money while putting my wallet back in, zipping my purse up. Come to mama. I picked up the hot coffee and sipped it. Okay, well time to start looking for a job. This is going to be a pain in the a-

Hot coffee. It does not go well with clothes and skin. No, it’s not on me. It’s on the most important person in the world. Josephina Garcia. Editor-in-chief of Love & Glamour magazine.


Comments:
  • Tenses.
    The story begins and you're talking in past. Then suddenly it's like in present and I got lost in all the jumping around. It seems to me like perhaps for this particular story, present would be best. But whatever you choose to go with, make sure you stick to it.
  • Description
    I have close to no idea what aything looks like. You mention things, but you don't really help create a clear picture in the reader's mind of what we're looking at.
    Example:
    The girl has a truck. Cool. Is it old? New? Black, red, or white? Suburban? Shiny? Dirty? You get the picture.
  • Characterization.
    You introduced at least 3 "important" (at least recurrent) characters, and yet we know absolutely nothing about any of them. Even MC is vague at best.
    Back to her truck.
    We know it makes her feel... poweful... but why is that, exactly?
    And why does she want to feel so powerful?
    I mentioned this in the text, but why is she so rude towards people?
    If it's justified, then make us feel the way she does. If the landlady is, in fact, a b**ch, then make her sound like one. All she did was comment on the fact that the main character had no make up. Hardly b**chy in itself. But if Becky were to say it in a scornful type way, then maybe we'd get a bit of a clearer idea of why she earned her monicker.

    Then there's the receptionist. He didn't sound all too a**-kissing to me. All he came across was a nice but rejected poor guy. Show us the reason Ellen dislikes the poor guy so much.

Okay, now that the nit-picking's done. I actually did like this in essence. Granted, not much has happened plot-wise, but thanks to your summary we've pretty much got an idea of where this is going, and I think it's got the makings of something good. Especially if you make the romance good. I'm a sucker for a good romance, cliched as it may be. The point is making us love the characters. Making us care for their way of living the story in particular, even if we have read it or watched it a hundred times before.
"The power of accurate obeservation is often called cynicism by those who haven't got it." - Oscar Wilde.

If I could only see right to the end, I'd know just where to begin, and I could put together all the little pieces.
  





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Tue Jul 13, 2010 10:46 pm
GeeLyria says...



Hi, I really like your story is cute, I love you're descriptions, you did a great job and I'm curious about what it's happening next, so when you post chapter two... Could you PM me? :? lol
Oh, you never mention the country of your Main Character... I think you should write it, because the only thing you said was that she was Asian. Was it Japan? China? Philippines? Korea? Was she from Korea and lived in the United States? It would be cool if you say it. :wink:

Except my parents but they’re traveling the world.

Except my parents , but they're traveling the world.

Ellen’s Nails and Spa. Nice huh?

Yes. haha

Well not really, I mean, who would leave their eighteen year old daughter on a one-thousand dollar trust fun and just left?

Well, not really, I mean, who would leave their eighteen year old daughter on a one-thousand dollar trust fun and just left?

Expensive yes.

Expensive, yes.

Since it’s Monday morning, like Ted Riley said, I might as well sleep in but since I can’t and need to look for a job, I am forced to get up.

Since it’s Monday morning, like Ted Riley said, I might as well sleep in, but since I can’t and need to look for a job, I am forced to get up.

I yawned and stretched lazily and swung both my legs over the bed and slipped my foot into my pink house slippers and walked to the bathroom.

Uh, I like how you said that, but you are not suppose to say "and" so many times, okay? You can change them saying "then, after that, later..." and things like that.
Ex. I yawned, stretched lazily, and swung both my legs over the bed, then slipped my foot into my pink house slippers and walked to the bathroom.


I didn’t need to check how I look. Same crazy black hair. Same Asian eyes. Same chin that I got from my dad. And some Mexican that I also got from my dad.

Maybe you don't have to write so many periods, maybe you can use commas.
Ex. I didn't need to check how I look. Same crazy black hair, same Asian eyes, same chin, that I got from my dad, and some Mexican that I also got from my dad.


“Let’s see what we’re going to wear today. Oh wait, nothing because I suck at fashion and styling.” I muttered to myself while going through each clothing.

"Let's see what we're going to wear today. Oh wait, nothing, because I suck at fashion and styling," There is suppose to be a comma, because this is a dialog. (I learn it when I join. hahah) I muttered myself while going through each clothing.

After doing the jean dance,...

Oh, my God... this is so hilarious, I loved it. I am really laughing out loud.

Hey, it’s Monday. Everyone’s suppose to look crappy.

I think you should put this sentences together, and divide them by a comma.

“Ellen, nice to see you. With no makeup again.” The landlord, Bitch, I mean, Becky, said to me.
The comma thing in the dialog...

“Hi, Becky. Yes, with no makeup. I don’t have time to make myself look pretty. Too much can cause me to break out.”
There is not suppose to be a comma at the end, there is suppose to be a period, because you didn't said "she said, she whispered, she announced, she asked.", okay? :wink:
You're main character is like me. I don't brush my hair and I just don't like make up... okay, that was a couple of months ago, before my mother gave me make up for my birthday, now I love it. LOL


“Good morning, Miss Lee.” The receptionist-ass kisser said smiling at me.


Mike’s face went from hopeful to sad. “Right. I understand.”

Aw... poor Mike.

“I’ve never seen a girl drive a truck before.He said to me.
"I've never seen a girl dive a truck before," he said to me.

kEeP wRitIng!
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."
  





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Wed Jul 14, 2010 7:26 pm
Jetpack says...



Hey, Leilani! I love your username. Welcome to YWS. I'm here as requested for a review.

Nitpicks

Haha. I’m Ted Riley. And this is 94.1.”


Love. I hate love. Never felt it. Never had it. Except my parents, they show it very clearly to me.


This doesn't really make sense. The first four short sentences are fine, but the last has no relation to the rest of them. You're trying to say she's never had any love except that of her parents, but what you've written is not grammatically correct. Consider revising.

Probably somewhere in the middle of Egypt exploring the Great Pyramids.


Start this sentence with "they're". There are only so many short sentences I can handle.

I have never quite have had a success with finding a job.


I mean, who would leave their eighteen year old daughter on a one-thousand dollar trust fun and just leave?


I haven’t been spending it much lately. Too busy paying for my apartment rent that cost, oh about, nine hundred and ninety-five a month. Expensive, yes. But it’s for the good of me. My parents wants the best for me, and I’ve got it. Since it’s Monday morning, like Ted Riley said, I might as well sleep in; but since I can’t because I have to go look for a job, I am forced to get up.


This whole paragraph flicks between present tense and past tense. You manage to balance them quite well previously, but now I'm just confused. I suggest you pick a tense and stick to it; probably present, as you seem more comfortable with it, but it doesn't matter as long as you remain constant. At the moment, I'm struggling to understand what's going on at what time because of the way this is written.

There ya go.


The stream of consciousness style is refreshing, but don't overdo it. I'd change this back to "you". I can hear the accent without this.

I just didn‘t look... Asian. Adding to that note, I was boobless.


Try "on top of that" instead of "adding to that note".

Oh, wait, nothing because I suck at fashion and styling


This is pretty painful foreshadowing, if I guess correctly with a title like yours. I'd cut it, because it also raises the question: "nothing"? She is going to wear something. It just won't be right. Either rephrase this or cut.

And by the looks outside of the window


I don't understand this. Are people watching her get dressed? o_O

it hurts my eyes to look at it


Again, the tense is off. Change to "hurt", if you're going with past tense for this paragraph. I can't keep track at the moment.

Thank god, she does not have that smelly cancer stick in her mouth.


This is great. It gives your MC a unique perspective, which is actually part of a strength throughout this piece: characterisation.

“Goodbye Beckycomma” I announced, taking the elevator


“Damn woman. Gets on my nervescomma” I muttered when the elevator door closed.


I suggest you read through Demeter's article on punctuation within dialogue. It might help you with this mistake.

“Good morning, Miss Leecommathe receptionist said, smiling at me. I smiled back. “Morning, Mike. Beautiful day.”


New paragraph with "I smiled back".

Mike, a nice receptionist the first day I moved in the apartment.


This sentence doesn't make sense. Perhaps, Mike was a nice receptionist I met the first day I moved into the apartment.

He wrote a 3 page long on


A 3 page long essay, I assume. Please spell out numbers, at least under ten, as well.

A little more compassion would be nice from your MC towards Mike. I think she drops him a tad harshly here.

“I’ve never seen a girl drive a truck beforecommahe said to me.


happy that it is still alive and disappointed that it is still alive.


Consider: happy and disappointed that it is still alive.

I drove to Starbucks and found a parking space near the shopfull stop.


Come to mama.


This should probably be in italics, and I think you should capitalise "Mama".

I love your ending, by the way.

Overall

Your style is readable and through it, I can really access your characters. My only gripe is that just occasionally the voice is annoying, and I'm not sure I'd be able to read through a whole novel in this style.

You also need to be more careful with your tenses. Stick to either past or present and don't mess around with both of them. It's confusing for the reader to have to try and keep up with your latest whim when it comes to tenses.

Follow the link to that article on dialogue punctuation. Hopefully it will help you out so you don't keep repeating the same mistake.

Lastly, please proof-read carefully. There are a few mistakes that you probably should have caught before posting this on YWS.

Other than that, good job. This was a little fluffy, but fairly enjoyable.

- Jet.
  





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Wed Jul 14, 2010 8:31 pm
Sins says...



Heyaaaa :)

I'm here to review as requested, 'cause I'm cool.

I groaned and stretched my left arm and hit the snooze button to shut the alarm clock up. Love. I hated love. Never felt it. Never had it. My parents had though, they showed it very clearly to me, but they were traveling the world right now. Probably somewhere in the middle of Egypt exploring the Great Pyramids.

You changed tenses a lot here. I have corrected it for you, but you should be careful of them. I also rephrased the beginning of one of the sentences because I felt as thought it could have been phrased better.

Well, today was the first day of my life. I was now out of high school with a diploma. No job. Again. I had never quite been successful with finding a job. It was either that they were full or they just didn't want another person to split the money. And it was December. Yep, that long.

Tenses again. :wink: You need to decide whether you want this story to be in the past tense or in the present tense. For the moment, I've changed it to past tense, but this could easily work in present tense.

Great.

I thought that this sounded more effective as just 'Great.'

My parents left me with a trust fund of one thousand dollars a month because, well, they were rich; and they could do anything they wanted since they owned five nail and spa salons named after me. Ellen’s Nails and Spa. Nice, huh?


I mean, who would leave their eighteen year old daughter on a one-thousand dollar trust fund and just leave?

Typo? :wink:

I hadn't been spending it much lately.


But it wasn't for the good of me. My parents wanted the best for me, and I had it. Since it was Monday morning, like Ted Riley said, I might as well have slept. I couldn't though because I had to go look for a job, I was forced to get up.


If you’re wondering why I would have needed a job with a trust fund that could have made a kid with an allowance of five bucks a day jealous, it was because, well, I didn't want to feel like a lazy bum. There ya go.

I know that I've changed the tenses to past, but to be honest, it would be easier to make this a present tense piece. I'll continue making it a past tense piece, but I would advise you, if you edit it, to edit it into a present tense piece.

I yawned, stretched lazily, swung both my legs over the bed, slipped my foot into my pink house slippers, and walked to the bathroom. I didn’t need to check how I looed.


Of course, being Vietnamese had some advantages but I just couldn't name them right now.


After the shower, I stepped back out to my room, wearing only a towel to walk into my closet.


I decided to pick a black long sleeve t-shirt with dark blue jeans and judgingby the looks outside of the window, I picked a nice jacket to go with a white scarf.

What kind of looks were they...? :)

Hey, it was Monday. Everyone was supposed to look crappy.


I grabbed the car keys off the dresser and walked down stairs to grab an apple for breakfast. I looked around the living room that was painted in such a bland color; it hurts my eyes to look at it.


Becky had dirty blonde hair that she always puts in a tight bun that made her forehead seem bigger than it actually was. Today she was wearing just a white tank top and jeans. Thank god, she didn't have that smelly cancer stick in her mouth.


Mike, a nice receptionist I met the first day I moved into the apartment. He always liked me because of my eyes and smile. How did I know? He wrote a 3 page long essay on what he liked about me and it was my eyes and smile that stood out the most to him. For 5 months, he had been trying to ask me out and sadly, he is not succeeding.

I'm noticing that there are quite a few areas were your phrasing is a bit awkward.

Was he serious? That was the best pick-up line he could use?

How is it a pick-up line, exactly...? :lol: He just seems surprised that he's seeing a girl driving a truck.

The truck roared to life and I leaned back, happy that it was still alive and disappointed that it was still alive. I hated this truck.

If she's so rich, why doesn't she just buy a new car? :wink:

I drove to Starbucks and found a parking space near the shop.

You forgot the period here!

Monday mornings could be very cold but when you had a cup of coffee, everything was all right. Before I knew it, I was next in line.


Okay, well time to start looking for a job. This is going to be a pain in the a-

These sound like thoughts to me. You should italicize them.

It did not go well with clothes and skin. Actually, no, it wasn't on me. It was on the most important person in the world.



Overall

As a whole, I can see this story turning into something really good. It seems like a girly kind of book, to me, which I like. Considering I'm a girl... :lol: It makes sense, I suppose. One thing I will say is that I very much like your writing style. It doesn't sound, or feel, forced at all. Although, you do have some awkward sounding sentences in this, which tends to disrupt the flow. When it comes to your characters, I really like your MC actually. She reminds me of a character of mine that I wrote about a while ago. That's probably why I like her. She's quite funny and is definitely entertaining to read about. If you keep up with her personality, she'll continue to be interesting. As fr your grammar, it was pretty good as a whole. I did find some errors but I have corrected them for you. There weren't any misspelled words though, so that's always a really good thing. As for your descriptions, they were nice. There weren't an awful lot of them, but as a whole, I thought thta you used a good amount of descriptions. There weren't too many but there weren't too little either.

My main critique for this is your tenses. I noticed that you had a tendency to change tenses quite often. What you have to remember is that throughout a story, you should always use past tense words if you're writing in the past tense and always use present tense words if you're writing in the present tense. The only time that you can use present tense in a past tense piece is when your characters are speaking, thinking or if there's something like a letter in the piece. The problem with changing tenses is simply because it can confuse the reader. It doesn't confuse me all that much, but at times, it can be rather confusing because the tenses have changed. I can't really say much else about tenses, it's a pretty hard thing to give advice on. The best thing you can really do is practice as often as you can. All that you really need to do is to revise this a bit and sort out the tenses. To be honest, I think that this would work well as a present tense piece, mainly because most of it is actually written in the present tense. I've corrected it so that it's in the past tense, but if you want to change it to present, then go ahead. :)

Except for this, I don't have anything to say that's already been said by other reviewers. That's a good thing, by the way! I can see that you definitely have a talent for writing. You don't tell us readers things, you show us. That is very important when it comes to creative writing, I think. All that you need to do is to take into consideration what us reviewers have said. You've got some really great reviews, after all. Once you've done that, you should consider editing this up a bit. If you do that, you could certainly have a really great piece of writing here.

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





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Thu Jul 15, 2010 8:50 pm
spiderman says...



Spiderman here. I will still read this even though I'm a guy and its about fashion.

First of all, I would like to congratulate you. Very few stories i read on hear have such a good voice as this ones. it was over done a bit at some parts, but it mostly was good. Most stories i read have no voice and get fairly boring to me. Voice leads to character and that leads to plot. So I won't read a book if I don't like the voice of it.

Characters.
Your MC (main character) is awesome. She's interesting, funny and right now one of the most like-able in the story. She should be the most like-able considering shes the MC. I'm not much for her name however and I don't think its fitting. Lets talk Becky and Mike. Becky seems like a sourpuss and Mike seems like the guy who got beat up in high scool. Their both somepeople youcould see in a real novel.

Plot. Can't say much here? It's only the first chapter.I mean it looks like its moving along fine.

Don't stop writing. This could turn out to make it to Barnes and Nobles (with a good amount of editing).
Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses

WHISPERS IN THE DARK LYRICS - SKILLET
  





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Fri Jul 16, 2010 5:30 pm
Firestarter says...



Hey Leilani,

Since you've had quite a lot of reviews who have nitpicked over your sentences, I'll try and keep this one short and focus on the bigger picture.

Positives

Voice -- I come across a lot of first-person naaratives on YWS, and often they don't have a particular voice. But yours, while not perfect, at least had a certain character. Snappy, a little bit bitchy, but always interesting. That's a particular strength of this chapter.

Somewhere in between

Prose -- It came across a bit clunky in places. Your dialogue was okay, but not sparkling, and your descriptions could be bland. I think for such an effusive MC, she might think about things a bit more excitingly than how you wrote most of this chapter. Nonetheless the strong voice shone through and carried the story where it might have otherwise fallen down. Boring things like describing buying a cup of coffee at Starbucks, or the elevator, didn't really let your MC show off her personality, though.

Negatives

Beginning -- The radio/alarm/waking up/Monday morning is so cliche I was surprised it also wasn't your character's first day of school as well. Lucky, you salvaged it by having a different scenario -- a rich kid looking for a job, with no parents around. Nevertheless, it was still a pretty lifeless opening. The use of the radio was amateurish and didn't really work for me. I think you could remove the whole bit about the radio, her waking up, and move the action, as they say, into the middle of the story, in media res. The conflict with Mike, and your character's reactions to it, was far more interesting than the alarm. Start it there for a better beginning. You could even start it with her bumping into whatsherface at the end and spilling coffee on her, and then backtrack to how it came to that point. Whatever you decide, I really think you should avoid the cliche alarm/radio beginning.

Hope this helps,

Jack
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
  





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Sun Jul 18, 2010 7:58 am
Lava says...



Hey Leila!

Sorry it took me a while to get to your request. Anyway here I am.

Voice: I really like the bitchy tone. Though I do feel that you could down this tone in a few places so that the page is peppered with her snappy remarks. I do like it, but I would prefer a little less of it.
I agree with what Fire said about description. It would be good if you describe things the way your MC would, so that we go for a good char development right from the first chapter.

I know, I'm sort of contradicting what I said in the above two. What I mean is, when you show us her thoughts and things like that, you use the bitchy tone, which could be reduced a tad bit. However, when you describe the routine, I would like more snappiness in it. I hope I'm making it clear.

Also, the bit with Becky in it, it seemed a little pointless. Sure, you're showing us the MC's character, but I think you can find other ways of doing instead of showing us small talk.
I drove to Starbucks... as she came back with my coffee.
This entire bit could do with some work. It sounds like 'Okay, she's going to Starbucks. Fine. Now, what?' I would like you to make it better. Maybe show us her head as she waits in the line, or what does she regularly do while waiting in the line?

I hope I helped.
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  





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Sun Jul 18, 2010 11:26 am
emalily says...



All I have to say about this is that I absolutely loved it.

The End :)
If I die young
bury me in satin
lay me down on a bed of roses
sink me in the river, at dawn
send me away with the words of a love song
<3
  





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Sun Jul 18, 2010 12:31 pm
MiaParamore says...



Hey Leilani. Here on PM request.

Just want to tell you that anything I tell you won't be much different from other reviewer's although I haven't read anyone of their's reviews except for Firestarter's.


[i]I’m all out of love….I’m so lost without you. I knew you were right….
I think you wanted to put it in italics or something, or maybe it just got like this. Just check this out, it looks untidy then. As I believe that this is a song, so it should be kept in italics.

Never felt it. Never had it.
Ah! I loved it, Lei! This sums up the whole story in a way.

Well, today is the first day of my life. I am now out of high school with a diploma. No job. Again. I have never quite had a success with finding a job.
Okay, so seriously I didn't like it. I know that she has this problem of not being able to find a job, but you can use some 'Show not Tell", I guess. Just rather of telling this to us, just make it understand otherwise, or a bit later in the story. Like, having a conversation with her friend or looking at the calendar and realizing something. Whatever! It's your story, so you know better than me.

Greeeaat.
One thing here is that either you can put an exclamation sign as it's used to indicate strong feelings or high volume, and often marks the end of a sentence. Example: "Watch out!" And this indeed is a strong feeling, although sarcastic. 8)

I yawned, stretched lazily, swung both my legs over the bed, slipped my foot into my pink house slippers, and walked to the bathroom.
Well, oh well, I don't like this. Too much of verb cramped into one sentence. Argh! Please don't do such a blunder again.

Also some Mexican heritage that I also got from my dad. Of course, being Vietnamese has some advantages. But I just can’t name them right now.
I like the sarcasm or whatever here. :)

I decided to pick a black long sleeve t- shirt with dark blue jeans.


And by the looks of the weather outside of the window, I picked a nice jacket to go with a white scarf.
I haven't ever seen anyone say like this 'outside of the window. It is always 'outside the window'. Also, be

I grab the car keys off the dresser and walked down stairs to grab an apple for breakfast.
First of all the 'grab' word should be changed to past tense as the whole story is in that form only. Secondly, I didn't like the repetition of the word 'grab' here twice. You could do away with the 'grab' the first time and replace it with something else.

I looked around the living room that was painted in such a bland color; it hurt my eyes to look at it.
You know what? A colour hurts only when it's too vivid or bright. Otherwise not. So, instead of going with this expression, do something else. Okay?

Light music played while the numbers went all the way from five to one.
I am not exactly sure why but I liked this sentence.

Mike, a nice receptionist whom I met the first day I moved in the apartment.
So, this sentence as it's formed looks a bit odd, and also incomplete. It seems that you are going to tell about what he is doing now, but this ends abruptly.

One of the valets appeared and was standing there, probably on his break.


The truck roared to life and I leaned back, happy and disappointed that it is still alive.
You have this very big problem with tenses. It should be 'was'. I would explain more down.

So, I read the synopsis once and I must say it was pretty impressive. After reading it I wanted to read this urgently but had to wait. But this, writing wise didn't turn out that good. Sorry, if that is a harsh comment.

Now onto the title. I don't know why, but this seems as a perfect title for a story that would end up in a Fashion magazine's office. :wink: Right now, I don't have any idea whom she is going to fall in love with, which is pretty good. This way you're intriguing us and making us glued to this.

As others would have already told you that there is this one problem with your tenses. You wrote this story in past tense, right? And then you switch over the present tense whenever you felt like. This is kinda hard to read and understand so just watch out on that. Here's this site which might help you to get better at this: Tenses

Other thing which could have been avoided was the way you list down things. You shouldn't really be doing that. Sometimes it seemed like you were in a rush of getting all this on the screen. Just don't list and crumple every verb in one sentence only. Also, telling us step by step what she did is not a bad idea, though here it didn't work out for me. It would have been better if it was somewhere in middle of the novel. That would have been better. Right now starting with a dull, boring routine is not a very good idea. If still you want to stick with it, then don;t go in excess. Though I feel introduction of the receptionist and the valet.

Also, if she is so rich and all, then why doesn't her parents buy her a house, and what about the one where her parents originally live. There got to be some house around which was their's. Or is she over-independent? :smt002

Okay, you might be knowing about Show not Tell thing, right? So here's a good article to do that as your stuff needs that element. [url=http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic41426.html] Show and Tell[/ul] This article is very helpful and you should surely read it.

Now, I won't say much, mainly because all that I would have loved to say has already been told to you. So what's the point of going over again and again on the same topics?

Bye bye till then..

~Shubhi
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Sun Jul 18, 2010 12:41 pm
Leilani says...



Thank you so much for all of your reviews ^-^ I really appreciate everyone's review and opening my eyes >>
Happiness is a perfume you can not pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself <3
  





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Mon Jul 19, 2010 11:01 am
Yuriiko says...



Hello there Lani!

Here as requested.

Spoiler! :
I'm terribly sorry for not automatically reviewing this. It's because my account here acted weird this past few days. Hope you understand.



First of all, I just wanted to say thanks for requesting and hope this is going to be "worth the wait". Second is that, I wouldn't be bothering much of the grammatical errors 'cause I've seen a lot of great reviewers who have pretty much covered it up already. So, I'll just go on to my "prejudices". xD

Tenses:

I've noticed you tend to switch tenses all over your story, which confused me a little. Remember, when you write a story, your tenses should be all consistent. If your piece is in a past form then all verbs should be in past form (like does to did, is to was, etc.). I don't have to say much because it's pretty obvious that others have said much about it already. But I tell you, it's one basic key thing to a good story.


A Part Tell-y:

If you know about the 'Show don't tell' technique then I recommend that you use that. (If you don't well, try Googling it, hehe.) It's because I feel like you chop-off sentences within a paragraph.


I yawned, stretched lazily, swung both my legs over the bed, slipped my foot into my pink house slippers, and walked to the bathroom. I didn’t need to check how I look. Long crazy black hair. Brown Asian eyes. Strong stubborn chin that I got from my dad. Also some Mexican heritage that I also got from my dad. Of course, being Vietnamese has some advantages. But I just can’t name them right now.


You seemed to rush the pace here a bit. As far as I could see, I score this as an average paragraph. It feels lacking of what- you-call 'descriptions', my dear. Make us feel your main character's point of view through her sense of sight, smell, touch, hearing and many more. In that way, she'll look pretty realistic and that's a good sign of a good story. You may not describe everything because you have to balance everything out well. We know that too much or too little is bad, right?
So just balance it. hehe. :wink:


Plot:


I could sense a few percentage of originality in here though I should say, twist this up. I know this is yet the first chapter of your novel but wouldn't it be nice of you put more effort to grab your reader's interest and attention until the very last word of your novel? I could really feel that the sudden flow of this story decreased the realistic characterization in here. Because all we just know is about a girl, whose parents are out and she wants to look for a job.. blah, blah, blah. I've noticed this kind of concept especially in movies, so why won't you twist this up a bit?


Others:

After all, I totally agree with Firestarter. Kicking off those cliche' scenes is really good but if you have just written this in a good way, then the cliche' plot wouldn't be so bad. I tell you, I admit that I have fun at writing stories with cliches. And I have read a lot of cliche' stories, but hey, they weren't all that bad, due to the fact that they've written it very well. :D

(Wow, I just said cliche four times in a row, sorry. xD)


Overall: I could sense that there's a great probability that this will really turn to a good story. But seeing this as your first chapter, I say this is a good start. Hope I helped. PM me for questions, lani. :D

Spoiler! :
Oh and one thing: How about finding a vacant time to edit your story? Just look up to those reviews and try reading your story again. In that way, you would know your grammatical errors and as to how to improve this piece. It's because I've noticed a lot of the same reviews yet, you didn't' seem to edit them. Taking your reviewer's suggestion into consideration will really help you know your problem; weaknesses and strengths. Thanks.



Keep writing!

Peace out! :smt004

~yuri
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal
  





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Mon Jul 19, 2010 6:49 pm
Mysty says...



This is a good start; I'm guessing it's even better than it used to be since you edited it :D The one thing that bugged me through reading it was this: if she has an apartment that takes up all but, what, five dollars, of her trust fund, and she doesn't have a job to supply more money, how can she afford other things? Clothes, food, bills, gas? Did she used to have a job and saved up a lot of money to live on or what? This is something you might want to make clear in the story, because not even the most frugal person in the world can live on five dollars a month!
  








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