Young Writers Society

Has it really been almost a year since I last posted a chapter? O_O
Broken up into two parts for your reading (and reviewing) convenience.



The prince woke slowly, his consciousness laboring through the thick skeins of wool that seemed to shroud all thought and sensation. Ponderously, awareness returned to the prince, and with it all his memories of the night before.
The thrill of remembered terror finally broke sleep’s hold on the prince, and he gradually became aware that he was lying facedown on a hard surface, and that the surface was cold stone. Though his lids were shut, a measure of sunlight shone through, and he could feel the warmth of an afternoon sun on the back of his ungloved hands. Lying absolutely still, he could hear nothing but the pounding of his heart, the whispering of wind-blown leaves, and the steady plink-plink of dripping water; could smell nothing but stale sweat, dried blood, and wet wool. A sense of confusion, of something being out of place, nagged at the back of his mind as the prince tried to open his eyes, only to find them glued shut by a crust of grit.
It was only after he had rubbed the sleep from his eyes that the prince realized the source of the strangeness – although every muscle in his body was stiff with cold and wet, he felt no pain, not even from the wound in his right calf.
With growing alarm, the prince brought his hands up to his face to inspect the scratches left by branches during his flight and found them fully healed, the only sign of their presence thin lines of pink, new skin. A quick survey of his injured calf resulted in a similar observation; everywhere the fox’s teeth had punctured his flesh, a small, pink circle of smooth skin took its place. Everywhere the prince looked, his wounds were healed, and nowhere was there sign of infection or gangrene. Although this was a source of great relief for the prince, how he had come to be in such a state of health was quite the mystery, and it left him more confused than before.
Eventually it occurred to the prince that sitting and staring at the crumbling back wall of the church would not provide answers. A moment later, it occurred to him that, rather than focusing on his lack of pain, he should have first made sure the church was safe, especially considering how persistent trolls were known to be.
Berating himself all the while, the prince whirled around into a kneeling stance and scanned the church, bemoaning the fact that his scabbard must have come loose during his flight. Fortunately for the prince, the crumbling church beyond the altar was empty – the mouldering pews glistened with water from a summer shower, the same shower that had soaked his own clothes, the prince surmised. In the light of the late noon sun, he could clearly see the mold and mildew that coated the ancient oak benches with a thick, sickly sheen of fuzz and slime, as well as the path he had stumbled along in his mad rush for the altar.
Seeing nothing else of note, and being chilled by a cool breeze that was blowing through a gap which was once a window, the prince looked around for his pack and spotted it beside the altar, alongside his sheathed sword and a strange flask.
Relieved beyond words, the prince reached for his sword and had just finished retying the scabbard to his belt when a voice sounded from behind him.
“I see you are finally awake.”
In a flash, the prince’s sword was out, the steel blade blinding, as he spun around to face the source of the voice – perched across the shoulders of the crucifix curled a large, black fox with remarkably green eyes. As the prince watched, the fox leapt from the Son’s shoulders and landed at His feet, favoring its left side.
The prince stepped back and brought his sword to bear. “Stay back, you magical abomination!”
“Now is that any way to treat the one who saved you and tended to your wounds?” The fox bristled with outrage, baring its sharp, white teeth in a snarl. “I did not have to, especially considering you gave me this!” The beast turned to reveal an ugly gash just behind its forelimb, infected and oozing pus, running vertically from back to belly.
Shamed, but still wary, the prince lowered his blade. “If you treated my own wounds, then why did you not treat your own?”
“You think I have not tried?” The fox stretched out gingerly on the floor. “But no matter how hard I strive, I simply cannot reach it. I have been waiting three days for you to awaken.”
“Three days... I’ve been asleep for three days?” the prince cried in alarm.
The fox gave an incredulous snort and shifted into a more comfortable position. “I would have thought it common knowledge that wounds take time to fester and heal, especially to such an extent.”
“Well, yes, but...” The prince flushed as he stammered, berating himself all the while for failing to notice such an important detail.
“But what, pray tell? Are we, perhaps, a bit slow on the waking?”
The prince shifted where he stood and did not look at the fox as he conceded, “Perhaps.”
“And is our sense of decency slow to wake today as well?”
The prince flinched, his gaze drawn to the ugly gash drawn down the fox’s side; from where he stood, the prince could smell the stench of illness rising from it. Filled with sympathy, and no small amount of guilt, the prince knelt close to the fox and asked, “Does it hurt much?”
The fox rolled its eyes. “Do I speak?” The fox shook its head and took a deep, calming breath before saying, “If you wish to help, there is ointment in the flask.”
The prince twisted around and snagged the bottle by its slightly chewed strap. The neck of the container was a bit longer than normal, though it did not hinder the prince as he uncorked it. He was just about to pour a large amount of the sharp-smelling paste into his palm – the fox’s wound looked even worse close up – when the fox barked.
“Hold! Hold! A little will go a long way. It is magical,” the fox replied by way of explanation to the prince’s puzzled expression.
Armed with the knowledge that the ointment was of arcane origin, the prince gingerly dipped two fingers into the neck of the flask and scraped up a small amount of the whitish cream. He applied the substance to the fox’s wound as gently as possible, but even with such care, the animal hissed and winced with pain. The prince’s empathy was soon overshadowed by amazement as, before his very eyes, the wound almost instantly went from a puss-filled abscess to a more healthy gash, clean, and with the blood flowing freely. The bleeding soon stopped and made way for reknitting muscle, which in turn was quickly covered by a sheet of pink, new skin.
As the fox relaxed on the cracked flagstones with a quiet sigh of relief, the prince sat back on his heels and regarded the lingering traces of ointment on his fingers – he had been expecting something extraordinary, true, but the speed at which the magic had done its work had still astonished him. It was with an emotion akin to reverence that the prince corked the flask and placed it beside his pack, just beneath the altar.
From where it lay, stretched out on its side upon the floor, the fox spoke with groggy voice. “Thank you. That wound allowed me no rest.”
“You are welcome,” said the prince, his gaze drifting back to the hairless line down the fox’s side. “And I thank you for saving me from the trolls.”
The fox hummed in acknowledgment, its eyes closed and breathing gradually beginning to slow.
Before the fox fell fully to sleep, it occurred to the prince to ask about the ointment. “Tell me, fox, where did you get the ointment?”
The fox opened one heavy-lidded eye to look at the prince. “Why do you ask?”
“No particular reason. It simply seems an unusual item for a fox to possess.”
The fox yawned widely before answering, “You are fortunate I know an ogre well.”
“You are friends with an ogre?!”
The fox’s head snapped up. “Not at all! I am simply familiar enough with his ways to figure out where he hides his valuables. Friends with an ogre, indeed!” the fox muttered to itself as it resettled its head more comfortably on its paws. “Now, have you any other gross accusations to make, or will you finally let me sleep?”
“Well,” began the prince as he shifted into a more comfortable sitting position, “I was wondering why you bothered to save me.”
“Why indeed?” the fox murmured, more to itself than the prince, before lapsing into silence. It was a while yet before the prince realized that the silence was not contemplative – the fox had fallen asleep, too tired to even curl up into a ball.
With a sigh, the prince figured that the answers to his questions could wait – he had more pressing matters to deal with, like getting into dry clothes. The prince stood and stretched, stripped off his damp cloak and jacket, and began looking for a place to hang or lay them out to dry, hoping all the while that his one change of clothes was still dry.

Wow. This was really good. It sounded just like the narrative in a published book. I couldn't really find anything wrong with it, except one thing:

“Hold! Hold! A little will go a long way. It is magical,” the fox replied by way of explanation to the prince’s puzzled expression.

I don't think that the part in red flows very well. Is there a way to explain that the ointment is magical without simply saying it right out?
All in all, I really liked this story. It keeps that fairy tale feeling in it, and I liked the fox. PM me when you post more!

Heya
Here to review, duh...

I was actually half way through your review and then my laptop decided to shut down... So now I have to start again. Smelly computer. Anyway, enough of me complaining! Onto your review, for the second time... I haven't read the first two paragraphs of this so I won't be able to compare this one with the others. I'll try my best to review this though.

The prince woke slowly, his consciousness laboring through the thick skeins of wool that seemed to shroud all thought and sensation. Ponderously, awareness returned to the prince, and with it all his memories of the night before.

As a whole, I thought that this was a very good opening paragraph! It is always good to make the reader wonder what will happen next at the beginning of a chapter or story. In my opinion, you've done this successfully. Especially thanks to the end of the paragraph, as I've pointed out.

The thrill of remembered terror finally broke sleep’s hold on the prince, and he gradually became aware that he was lying facedown on a hard surface, and that the surface was cold stone.

The word remembered doesn't really sound right here. Maybe you could replace it with something else? Also, I thought that your sentence was a bit long and it kind of sounded awkward. I think that this was because of your use of 'and' after your commas.

Though his lids were shut, a measure of sunlight shone through, and he could feel the warmth of an afternoon sun on the back of his ungloved hands. Lying absolutely still, he could hear nothing but the pounding of his heart, the whispering of wind-blown leaves, and the steady plink-plink of dripping water; could smell nothing but stale sweat, dried blood, and wet wool.

I thought that these were some very good descriptions!

Everywhere the prince looked, his wounds were healed, and nowhere was there sign of infection or gangrene.

Nowhere was there sounds kind of weird here. I think you should replace it with something simple like, and there was no sign of infection or gangrene. It sounds a lot better!

Fortunately for the prince, the crumbling church beyond the altar was empty – the mouldering pews glistened with water from a summer shower. The same shower that had soaked his own clothes, the prince surmised.

I thought that this description was very nice. I'm liking a lot of your descriptions so far, actually.

In the light of the late noon sun, he could clearly see the mold and mildew that coated the ancient oak benches with a thick, sickly sheen of fuzz and slime, as well as the path he had stumbled along in his mad rush for the altar.

Another long sentence... this one even took up a whole paragraph! Try shortening it, maybe?

Seeing nothing else of note, and being chilled by a cool breeze that was blowing through a gap which was once a window, the prince looked around for his pack and spotted it beside the altar, alongside his sheathed sword and a strange flask.

Hm... once again? A bit long, maybe?

The beast turned to reveal an ugly gash just behind its forelimb, infected and oozing pus, running vertically from back to belly.

Ew...

Shamed, but still wary, the prince lowered his blade. “If you treated my own wounds, then why did you not treat your own?”

“But what, pray tell? Are we, perhaps, a bit slow on the waking?"

I like the way your characters speak, especially the fox. It seems very formal. I like a good ol' posh fox...

Filled with sympathy, and no small amount of guilt, the prince knelt close to the fox

There's no need for the first comma here.

The prince’s empathy was soon overshadowed by amazement as, before his very eyes, the wound almost instantly went from a puss-filled abscess to a more healthy gash, clean, and with the blood flowing freely.

I'm sure you know why I've quoted this. Sentence length...?

The fox hummed in acknowledgment, its eyes closed and its breathing gradually beginning to slow down.

Overall

Although this isn't my usual kind of fiction, I quite enjoyed it! As I've pointed out, some of your descriptions were very nice, even though they could be a bit too much at times. Your characters were definitely entertaining to read about, they were in my opinion anyway. Your grammar was pretty good, except for some rather long sentences. Your spelling was perfect and your vocabulary was very impressive. There wasn't much action in this, but it didn't actually bother me, surprisingly. You created some good imagery in this and the chapter as a whole made me wonder what had happened in the previous chapters. I actually like the idea of the story itself, as well.

My main critique...? You guessed it. Sentence length! As you might have noticed, I pointed out where your sentences were a bit long in places. I did actually leave out a few long sentences, I'm hoping that you'll be able to find them yourself. I used to have terrible problems with really long sentences. Thankfully, I've improved a lot now. It's a pretty easy problem to solve though. All that you really need to do is replace some of your commas with periods. You can replace some of the with semi colons if you want, but when shortening a sentence, periods are always best. The main reason long sentences aren't very good is simply because they can annoy the reader. It's always nice to have a bit of a break to breathe when reading, isn't it? I mean, we would all be pretty screwed without breathing, wouldn't we? Do you understand what I mean?

I don't really have much else to say... I feel useless... The only other critique I can think of is maybe to cut down on the descriptions a bit. Maybe replace them with some action? Although your descriptions are very good, you do tend to overuse them. When you use an awful lot of description in one piece, it can end up boring the reader. This is when action is effective. It's fine to have lots of description, as long as you use the right amount of action to back it up. To be honest, the lack of action in this doesn't actually bother me all that much. It will definitely bother some other readers though. I'm not asking you to make a load of hot girls in catsuits to come and start fighting each other, I just think that some action would make this chapter even better. If you've included action in the previous chapters though, this is even less of a problem.

One of the things that I really liked about this though, were your characters. I especially liked the language they were using. Both the Fox and the Prince came across as rather posh. I'm assuming that was what you were going for? If so, you definitely did this well. I don't normally pick up on things like that in characters, I'm pretty dull... But I did with yours, that must be a good thing, I guess! Your characters also had rather interesting personalities, from what I could tell about their personalities anyway. I especially liked the fox, which is kind of weird for me because I'm not normally a fan of talking animals...

Keep writing!

xoxo Skins

Hai there! Here as requested.

Let's see. So since I didn't read the other parts, I can only comment on the content of this one. I hope that's all right?

So what I noticed about this was that I really didn't need to read the first chapters to get this. That can be a bad or a good thing. Let me explain.

It can be good because it's a sign that you are moving the story along, and not sticking to one spot. It is a sign that you are ready to continue the story and explain what happened in the first few chapters. It is a definite sign that this is where the plot begins. So good job on that.

The bad reason leads to my next comment. It is bad because this is just too darn long and straight forward.

Everything in the first few paragraphs you said sounded like a list; he did this, then he did that, you know? Your sentences need to blend more together. A way to make this seem less of a list is to put more of your MC's thoughts in. I want to year more about what the prince thinks than what's happening. Though you are well into the story, third chapter, and you should be sticking the beginning of the plot in sometime, you still need to show us your MC and who he is. At the moment, all I know about him is that he is a prince. I really don't know anything about his personality because one minute he is ready to attack the fox and leave, and the next he stays while the fox sleeps. There has to be a part of his personality making him stay, so what is it?

Show it to us.

You're a wonderful writer, and the character of the fox is brilliant. I love the way he talks; it reminds me of Alice in Wonderland!

keep writing,

Classy

Hi! Here is you requested critique. I haven't read the first two, so sorry if I mention something that was covered in the other parts.

I think the line-by-line stuff has been covered, but I have a few things to add:

The prince woke slowly, his consciousness laboring through the thick skeins of wool that seemed to shroud all thought and sensation. Ponderously, awareness returned to the prince, and with it all his memories of the night before.

Nice description, but I feel like it could be less roundabout since it's at the very beginning. Save the flowery stuff for later.

but stale sweat, dried blood, and wet wool.

Again, love this, but you already used ‘wool’ as a description earlier. I’d change the first one.

It was only after he had rubbed the sleep from his eyes that the prince realized the source of the strangeness – although every muscle in his body was stiff with cold and wet, he felt no pain, not even from the wound in his right calf.

Ok, maybe I’m confused, but isn’t he lying on his face? How is he rubbing his eyes without sitting up?

the same shower that had soaked his own clothes, the prince surmised.

Feels a bit awkward to say “the prince surmised.” I’d rearrange this sentence.

and being chilled by a cool breeze t

Again, the ‘being chilled’ part is awkward.

time to fester and heal,

Exactly. So why is it so far infected after only three days? I could be wrong, but that seems like kind of a short amount of time for it to be leaking pus everywhere.

the fox spoke with groggy voice.

Perhaps you meant, “the fox spoke, voice groggy” or “the fox spoke with a groggy voice”?

With a sigh, the prince figured that the answers to his questions could wait – he had more pressing matters to deal with, like getting into dry clothes. The prince stood and stretched, stripped off his damp cloak and jacket, and began looking for a place to hang or lay them out to dry, hoping all the while that his one change of clothes was still dry.

There’s nothing particularly wrong here, but it just seems like a boring way to end a chapter. I’m more of a cliff-hanger person myself. It doesn’t have to be dramatic, but still! Just hearing about him wandering off to get a change of clothes does not make me want to read the next part, though up to this point I was.

Ok, I'm gonna try not to get too hung up on the nitpicks. Onward!

Overall:

What I liked:

Your descriptions were very unique and gave clear images.
This is clearly been edited at least once--there were very few obvious grammatical or spelling errors.
I really want to read more.

What I didn't:

Calling the MC "the prince" got annoying after about the first twenty times. I guess, if this is written in the style of an epic or fairy tale, then it's ok to leave the character unnamed, but if it was me, I'd change that.

As others have said, this bit felt verrrrry drug out to me. I didn't mind the lack of action, but it could have moved a lot faster.

The way the characters spoke was awkward. Don't get me wrong, I didn't mind the formalness of it, as long as it's going to stay consistent, but it could still be written out in a way that feels less stilted.

I'd mention character development as well, since there really wasn't any, but I have a feeling that will be taken care of later.

And.... If you post another chapter, PM me! I'd be happy to take a look. Also, feel free to ask for another critique any time.

Hope this helps at least a little bit!

Lupis

Hi Kyllorac; I’m Apple and I’m going to be your reviewer…as promised. Ooo sorry if I spelt your username incorrectly.

I found a few mistakes through your text and as a good reviewer have picked up on them. I just want to mention now, If I pick up some incorrectly spelled words it might be because you, I’m taking, are American and I’m an Aussie. Seeming since they have different spelling something’s may be slightly incorrect.

for reknitting muscle

I’m afraid that reknitting isn’t even a word. I often make up fake words…okay who am I kidding, I always do!

indeed!” the fox muttered

You have an exclamation point. That means an ending of a sentence, you should have a capital ‘T’ for the.

to dry, hoping all

Instead of a normal colon it should be a semi-colon, after all you are adjoining the two sentences.

mold

Mould is spelt with a ‘u’…I don’t know if this is how American’s spell it or it is universally spelt with a ‘u’. I’m Australian after all, sorry if I got that wrong.

ungloved

[/quote][/quote]

I also don’t think that this is a word, sorry if it is.

Other than those few mistakes, I didn’t find anything else wrong with this piece. I found it both interesting and thrilling, and I must admit, was drawn in by the first word. (Talkin’ a ‘lil posh, aren’t I?) I could see everything you wrote with great detail and commend you upon that. Great Job!

And though it was chapter three and I was a little bit baffled by some of the events, I still felt like I had read the other two editions to this story. If you have anything else to review, I'd be happy to help.

~Apple’s Reviews

Thank you all for your wonderful reviews! I'm experimenting with a very different style than my normal one, so all your feedback is really appreciated. :D

@Earthfire

Thanks for pointing that out. The fox is pretty blunt, but I'll rewrite the line so that it's less awkward.

@Skins

I'm very fond of long sentences, I admit. XD And commas (as abused and misused as they are; poor things). I'm afraid I will have to plead "stylistic choice" in this case, though. I'm going for an older style and feel with this story, and the long sentences and slower pace fit in with that. I'll try and see if I can shorten some sentences without wrecking this feeling, and hopefully the future chapters will have plenty of action.

@classy

I'll see if I can weave in more of the prince's thoughts into the narrative.

@canis

How is he rubbing his eyes without sitting up?

His head was turned to the side. I'll see if I can make that clearer.

So why is it so far infected after only three days?

For drama! A swollen, red fester is nowhere near as grossly fun to read about as a pus-oozing and rotten wound. ;P

As far as ending the chapter goes, this is just the first half, so hopefully the whole chapter ends on a more exciting note. Also, there is a reason why the prince is referred to as "the prince" which is revealed in the second half. Believe me, it gets a bit annoying to write "the prince" all the time. XD

@Apple

Yes, I'm American, and we tend to leave out superfluous "u"s in words like color and mold to the bemusement of everyone else. :P "Reknitting" and "ungloved" are actual words, albeit uncommon ones, and while I appreciate the time you took to point out those grammatical bits, I'm pretty sure what I have is correct. The rest of the sentence is a dependent clause, so a semicolon wouldn't be appropriate, and the exclamation point stands in both for emphasis and as a comma, much like question marks. (You write "'Question?' he asked." and not "'Question?' He asked.")

I'm glad you enjoyed reading it so much, and I hope you'll review the second half once I post it. :D