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Last - Chapter II



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Thu Apr 15, 2010 3:54 pm
Winterblossoms says...



Chapter II – Detour

“...mitri.”
Came the soft whisper; a silver bell’s chime.
“Dmitri.”
He groaned and sighed heavily, pulling the blankets over his head, clinging to his sleep.
Dmitri! Damn it! Wake up!”
Warm hands ran over his torso like a kitten kneading its mother for milk, stroking at his ticklish stomach. He groaned again in exasperation, and propped himself up by the elbows quickly before the teasing got worse.
What?
It actually came off more like a statement than a question.
The girl looked taken aback, bronze eyes bewildered. Her hands remained pressed to his chest. She was straddling him somehow, even in his upright position. “You’ll be late for school.”
He turned to the bedside cabinet in panic, gaping at the digital clock. “Oh, shi – hurry up and get the hell off me!”
The burden sitting on his stomach neither shifted nor alighted.
“I said get off, stupid! I thought you said I’d be late if I didn’t get the heck out of bed?”
“No, I'm waking you up because if you don’t get up any sooner,” she purred, pushing him back down, tucking in one long, sable lock of hair behind her ear, “We won’t be able to finish on time.”
A deep scarlet crept up his cheeks. “Get off. Now,” he half-growled, teeth clenched, smirking as he rolled her beneath him. He pinned her wrists above her head and gave her a soft kiss. He got up, going for the shower. “Don’t try and follow me in here; I swear I’ll kill you.”
She laughed silently and threw a pillow at him. “Hurry up, or you’re not getting any for a week.”
The remark caused a certain russet head to turn, disbelief marred in the eyes of its possessor.
“All right, then. Let’s see who’s not gonna be able to resist.” He mused, his mockery made quite plain in his taunting baritone.
“...Yeah, right." Silence. "I’m gonna go grab some breakfast. Want me to get anything for you?”
“I would love some breakfast, too.”
“Okay,” she chuckled. “I’m taking the bike.”
“Stay away from traffic.”
“I’ll be sure not to.” With one last smile, she slammed the door outside the apartment and pedaled straight ahead to the ministop, as always – but today, it seemed like she would have to take a detour.
Today, the streets were jampacked with crowds.
“This poor kid really busted it big time,” she overheard one of the police officers say amidst the noise and the chatter, “Been living in this rickety, ramshackle old building like a little hobo, this one. Been living in it for a long time, some says." The man took a bite into his bagel, wiping the crumbs off his mouth with pale, thick fingers. “It’s a crying shame, though. He’d been quite lucky to strike fortune at short expense and he still thinks he’s better off dead.” The officer guffawed, taking a sip of his coffee.
“Heh,” His companion scoffed. “That boy must’ve been really, really depressed, being alone like that for so long. Anybody would’ve chosen suicide over that kind of sick conspiracy,”
“I wonder what had gotten him into it in the first place.”
Overcome by curiosity, she decided to take a closer look.

Later that day, she would realize that it was the worst decision she had ever decided to make.

Curiosity killed the cat, after all.
Last edited by Winterblossoms on Fri Apr 16, 2010 1:23 am, edited 5 times in total.
Innuendo, oh my~ ♥
  





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Thu Apr 15, 2010 5:42 pm
eldEr says...



You know the drill soldier! Corrections, comments&suggestion in red! Let's go! .... Anywho...

Winterblossoms wrote:Chapter II – Detour

“...mitri.”
Came the soft whisper; a silver bell’s chime. Loved this!
“Dmitri.”
He groaned and sighed heavily, pulling the blankets over his head, clinging to his sleep.
Dmitri! Damn it! Wake up!”
Warm hands ran over his torso like a kitten kneading its mother for milk, stroking at his ticklish stomach. He groaned again in exasperation, and propped himself up by the elbows quickly before the teasing getsgot worse.
What.
It actually came off more like a statement than a question.
The girl looked taken aback, bronze eyes bewildered. Her hands remained pressed to his chest. She was straddling him somehow, even in his upright position. “You’ll be late for school.”
He turned to the bedside cabinet in panic, gaping at the digital clock. “Oh, shi – hurry up and get the hell off me!”
The burden sitting on his stomach neither shifted nor alighted.
“I said get off, stupid. I thought you said I’d be late if I didn’t get the heck out of bed.”
“No, I was waking you up because if you didn’t get up any sooner,” she purred, pushing him back down, tucking in one long, sable lock of hair behind her ear, “We won’t be able to finish on time, now won’t we?” the last part was a little awkward...you could either rephrase it or take it out completely.
A deep scarlet crept up his cheeks. “Get off. Now,” he half-growled, teeth clenched, smirking as he rolled her beneath him. He pinned her wrists above her head and gave her a soft kiss. He got up, going for the shower. “Don’t try and follow me in here; I swear I’ll kill you.”
She laughed silently and threw a pillow at him. “Hurry up and finish, or you’re not getting any for a week.”
The remark caused a certain russet head to turn, disbelief marred in the eyes of its possessor.
“All right, then. Let’s see who’s not gonna be able to resist.” He mused, his mockery made quite plain in his taunting baritone.
“...Yyyeah. Right." Silence. "I’m gonna go grab me some breakfast. Want me to get anything for you?”
“I would love me some breakfast, too.” The "me's" weren't really needed... I suppose you could keep them if you wanted though. It just takes away from the flow.
“Okay,” she chuckled. “I’m taking the bike.”
“Stay away from traffic.”
“I’ll be sure not to.” With one last smile, she slammed the door outside the appartment and pedaled straight ahead to the ministop, as always – but today, it seemed like she would have to take a detour.
Today, the streets were jampacked with crowds.
“This poor kid really busted it big time,” she overheard one of the police officers say amidst the noise and the chatter, “Been living in this rickety, ramshackle old building like a little hobo, this one. Been living in it for a long time, some says.
“Well, there are those things the old landholder had left behind in the attic... there are some other stuff from the past tenants, too, that he could use. plus, the plumbing and the lighting is working. It’s amazing, really, how they didn’t even notice them motors running with the kid living in there. Oh well. Must have consumed too little energy for them to even bother about.” The man took a bite into his bagel, wiping the crumbs off his mouth with pale, thick fingers. “It’s a crying shame, though. He’s been living such a privileged life at short expense and he still thinks he’s better off dead.” The officer guffawed, taking a sip of his coffee. The speech was a little awkward and there were a few areas where it didn't make much sense... Try revising it slightly ;)
“You call living lonely living a privileged life? Heh,” His companion scoffed. “That boy must’ve been really, really depressed, living like that for so long. Anybody would’ve chosen suicide over that kind of sick conspiracy,”
“I wonder what had gotten him into it in the first place.”
Overcome by curiosity, she decided to take a closer look.

Later that day, she would realize that it was the worst decision she had ever decided to make.

Curiosity killed the cat, after all.


I really, really like this story! You have a ton of talent! I wish I could say the same!
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

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Thu Apr 15, 2010 6:09 pm
Sins says...



Hey again :)
Here to review!

“...mitri.”

Came the soft whisper; a silver bell’s chime.

“Dmitri.”

He groaned and sighed heavily, pulling the blankets over his head, clinging to his sleep.

“Dmitri! Damn it! Wake up!”

Warm hands ran over his torso like a kitten kneading its mother for milk, stroking at his ticklish stomach. I really liked this simile He groaned again in exasperation, and propped himself up by the elbows quickly before the teasing getsgot worse.

“What?

It actually came off more like a statement than a question.

The girl looked taken aback, bronze eyes bewildered. Her hands remained pressed to his chest. She was straddling him somehow, even in his upright position. “You’ll be late for school.”

He turned to the bedside cabinet in panic, gaping at the digital clock. “Oh, shi – hurry up and get the hell off me!”

The burden sitting on his stomach neither shifted, nor alighted.

“I said get off, stupid. I think that an exclamation point would be better suited here. I thought you said I’d be late if I didn’t get the heck out of bed?

“No, I'm was waking you up because if you didn’t don't get up any sooner,” she purred, pushing him back down, tucking in one long, sable lock of hair behind her ear, “We won’t be able to finish on time, now won’t we?” You changed tenses here so I corrected it for you

A deep scarlet crept up his cheeks. “Get off. Now!” he half-growled, teeth clenched, smirking as he rolled her beneath him. He pinned her wrists above her head and gave her a soft kiss. He got up, going for the shower. “Don’t try and follow me into here; I swear I’ll kill you.”

She laughed silently and threw a pillow at him. “Hurry up and finish, or you’re not getting any for a week.” I gigled at this... :lol:

The remark caused a certain russet head to turn, disbelief marred in the eyes of its possessor.

“All right, then. Let’s see who’s not gonna be able to resist.” He mused, his mockery made quite plain in his taunting baritone.

“....Yyyeah Right." Write this like "...Yeah, right." It looks a lot better! Silence. "I’m gonna go grab me some breakfast. Want me to get anything for you?”

“I would love me some breakfast, too.”

“Okay,” she chuckled. “I’m taking the bike.”

“Stay away from traffic.”

“I’ll be sure not to.” With one last smile, she slammed the door outside the apartment and pedaled straight ahead to the ministop, as always – but today, it seemed like she would have to take a detour.

Today, the streets were jampacked with crowds.

“This poor kid really busted it big time,” she overheard one of the police officers say amidst the noise and the chatter, “Been living in this rickety, ramshackle old building like a little hobo, this one. Been living in it for a long time, some says.

“Well, there are those things the old landholder had left behind in the attic... there are some other stuff from the past tenants, too, that he could use. plus, the plumbing and the lighting is working. It’s amazing, really, how they didn’t even notice them motors running with the kid living in there. Oh well. Must have consumed too little energy for them to even bother about.” The man took a bite into his bagel, wiping the crumbs off his mouth with pale, thick fingers. “It’s a crying shame, though. He’s been living such a privileged life at short expense and he still thinks he’s better off dead.” The officer guffawed, taking a sip of his coffee.

“You call living lonely living a privileged life? Heh,” His companion scoffed. “That boy must’ve been really, really depressed, living like that for so long. Anybody would’ve chosen suicide over that kind of sick conspiracy,”

“I wonder what had gotten him into it in the first place.”

Overcome by curiosity, she decided to take a closer look.

Later that day, she would realize that it was the worst decision she had ever decided to make.

Curiosity killed the cat, after all.
Really good ending! I liked the cliffhanger. :wink:


Overall, I loved this, once again! That's all I've really got to say!
Just sort out the few nit[picks I've pointed out, and you will be fine.
I'm looking forward to the next part of this.

Post in my Will Review For Food thread if you need any more reviews!

Keep writing!

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





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Sat Apr 17, 2010 7:31 am
Winterblossoms says...



No one else interested? :|
Innuendo, oh my~ ♥
  





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Mon Apr 19, 2010 9:17 am
Lava says...



Hey Winter!

I'm here as requested. Now, I just glanced through the first chapter before heading to this. It's a very good piece. I like the style. Now, for the nit picks.

Warm hands ran over his torso like a kitten kneading its mother for milk, stroking at his ticklish stomach.
'Kneading' is fine, but somehow, I feel it doesn't give good imagery. I would suggest you try other phrases in this sentence.
The remark caused a certain russet head to turn, disbelief marred in the eyes of its possessor.
Here, I think it would read nicer if you said something like 'The remark caused the russet head to turn...' because when you say 'a certain' it suggests an unknown character or deliberate mockery of sorts.
“...Yeah, right." Silence. "I’m gonna go grab some breakfast. Want me to get anything for you?”
Again, it would read better if after 'Yeah right' you say :
'She paused, waiting for the silence to sink in. On a cheery note, she continued..' Something along these lines would be better.
He’d been quite lucky to strike fortune at short expense
I'm not sure I get this line.
Overcome by curiosity, she decided to take a closer look.

Later that day, she would realize that it was the worst decision she had ever decided to make.

Curiosity killed the cat, after all.
The end would be better if you remove the last line. Right now, it seems a little weak.

Well, this is a good piece. You could add a bit more of description into it, showing us more things about the two characters.

Cheers,
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

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Thu Apr 29, 2010 4:53 pm
Black Thought says...



Sorry it took so long to get back to you. So here’s my take on this piece. The two major problems I identified after reading your story are the dialogue and the narration.

Let’s start with the narration. The narrator in this story is not very transparent for a 3rd person omniscient voice, which isn’t itself a problem. Many readers like their narrators to be non-transparent because it tends to make ht story somewhat conversational. The reason it doesn’t work here is because instead of having a clear personality of its own, your narrator seems to be trying to imitate someone else. This is probably due to the frequent use of clichés. Aside from popular belief, clichés are not simply overused phrases. It can be any literary feature from a single word to an entire story structure.

example of a cliché in the narration: The girl looked taken aback
The word aback is an example of a literary fossil. Not to be confused with an obsolete word which is often evocative because it is so seldom used, but aback is one of those words which remains in literature simply because it remains in literature. Think of the word don “Jacob donned his beige jacket and left the gloomy pub.” When was the last to you ever donned something? When have you ever heard a person use the word don outside of a book or classroom. Words like aback and don are not bad words but they suggest to more skilled readers that the author isn’t paying close attention to what he/she is writing.

Other clichés in your story include: (amidst, jampacked, the soft whisper, exasperation, bewildered, marred)

And now for the dialogue. This is more in reference to the structure of your dialogue rather than what is being said itself. To put it simply, there’s too much of it, at least too much quoted dialogue. One thing that many amateur writers don’t understand is that not all dialogue has to be in quotes. And too much quoted dialogue can make it confusing and cumbersome for readers. Long lines of dialogue without action tags attached to them form what is called a “talking head” and often times the reader will need to go back and remind themselves which character is saying what. And even the dialogue tags can get tedious after a while.

There are 4 ways to write dialogue. There is Summary dialogue: Steve told Sandra he was breaking up with her. (This is simple, efficient and cuts right to the point)

There’s Indirect Dialogue: Steve told Sandra that he was breaking up with her, that he was tired of the late night phone calls, the incessant ramblings about whose turn it was to clean the apartment, the cocktail parties full of friends he barely knew and condescending remarks about how the other half lived. (This kind of dialogue saves the writer from the tedious work of recording every witty phrase of each character and gives the reader a sense of the speaker.)

Direct Dialogue: Steve said to Sandra, “It’s over, alright? You can find someone else to take your stupid cats to the vet from now on!”( this is the most dramatic form of dialogue, but when used too often it can diminish the effect of the key phrases you want readers to pay attention to. When using direct dialogue you should whittle it down to the gems.)

Mixed Dialogue: Sandra told Steve that it was just fine, that she was tired of his childish behavior, that she was sick of coming home to an apartment scattered with beer cans and dirty magazines he didn’t even bother to hide. “Oh and let’s not forget the incident with the fish bowl either.” Sandra walked into the bedroom, opened her suitcases and emptied her half of the dresser drawers inside them. “I’ll mail you my half of the rent!”
Change up the style of dialogue with each new situation, this will make the reader feel like he/she is engaged in the story instead of tediously following along.

I hope this has been helpful to you, feel free to contact me with any questions you may have.
I owe everybody who gives me feedback one critique on a fiction work of their choice. Just give me a pm with a link and I'll critique whatever fiction piece you want.


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