Young Writers Society

SSBB FanFiction: New Adventure Story

Prologue/Chapter 1
Hi everyone. I'm obsessed with the SSBB (Super Smash Bros. Brawl) game for Wii, so I decided to do a fanfiction about it! And, for some background info, you should know all the SSBB characters: Mario, Peach, Bowser, Yoshi, Wario, Donkey Kong, Diddy Kong, Pit, Link, Zelda/Sheik, Kirby, King Dedede, Meta Knight, Samus/Zero Suit Samus, Fox, Lucas, Ike, Pikachu, Pokemon Trainer (with Charizard, Squirtle, and Ivysaur), Ice Climbers, Pikmin & Olimar, Marth, Luigi, Mr. Game & Watch, Falco, Wolf, Ness, Jigglypuff, Toon Link, R.O.B., Snake, Captain Falcon, Ganondorf, Sonic, and Lucario. (Look for a new character in my story whose name 99.9999...% of you won't be able to pronounce!)

Note: This whole story is a spoiler for SSBB, which means that this story MIGHT be confusing if you haven't played SSBB; and if you were planning to play the Adventure Mode my story might spoil the fun for you. You have been warned.

The first sentence was the prompt given to me by my language arts teacher. So, if you critique this, please don't complain about the cliche. Enjoy.
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It was a dark and stormy night. The wind moaned and howled outside the great labyrinth castle. Inside its dungeon, the prisoners groaned against their enchanted iron chains. Finally, Ike couldn't stand it anymore. "Let us the heck out of here, you--you monster!!"

All the others agreed and grumbled against their captor. But they were quickly silenced by a deep, thundering voice. "You are my captives now, and if you do not obey, you will be thrown into the great Furnace of Heat!" At this, the fiery chamber by their jail cells suddenly came to life and crackled furiously. They nervously retreated into their cells, which they knew they would waste away in for eternity; there was no hope for them. Unless someone, a true hero, could rise above all the forces of evil. But how was that possible? They'd all been captured, even the strongest of them! So why did they still long for freedom?
* * * * *
"I can't wait! I'm so excited to see Mario, Peach, Link, Zelda...all of the heroes that fought against Tabuu! Wasn't he a terrible, human-like monster?" The black-haired thirteen-year-old girl asked, her eyes shining as she playfully danced around her brown-haired mentor and guide, Tohru.

"Calm yourself, LiQian," Tohru gently warned. (That's what LiQian loved about Tohru--she was never harsh, but firm when needed, and Tohru was always kind and gentle as well.) "Remember that none of the impulsive nature can enter the sacred Courtyard of Cleansing of the Heroes' Palace. But yes, Tabuu was terrible. He--or it, shall I say--took many different forms and used different tactical maneuvers to get what he--it wanted."

LiQian continued walking behind Tohru on the path leading to the Heroes' Palace. This was where all the heroes who had previously defeated Tabuu, the all-time worst monster, lived. It was considered the greatest honor to be able to live in the Heroes' Palace. If anyone was invited to come live there, they immediately accepted and moved their belongings to the Palace.

Tohru and LiQian walked through the open gateway and went to the Courtyard. Instantly, they knew something was wrong. No one else was there; all was silent. Not a leaf stirred. The wind died down, and the sun's heat succumbed to the still, cold air.

LiQian frowned; Tohru tensed. There must be something we missed, Tohru thought. Where are all the heroes? And what about the little animals that used to always be here--the squirrels, chipmunks, rabbits, and all the birds? They looked suspiciously around them.

It's quiet, LiQian thought as she narrowed her eyes. Too quiet.

At that instant, a herald voice proclaimed, "Charge!"

Immediately, Tohru and LiQian were surrounded by Primids of all kinds--Big Primids, Boom Primids, you name it. As the green, bug-eyed Primids formed a circle around them and started creeping closer, Tohru and LiQian grabbed their daggers from their belts and stood back-to-back, watching the Primids' every move.

Suddenly, when the mass of Primids came about five feet away from Tohru and LiQian, they stopped. After an awkward silence of about thirty seconds, LiQian muttered, "Oh, what the heck. We need to get this over with!" And so chaos and confusion ruled.

There must have been millions of those things; they seemed robotic and dead, only following their unknown leader's orders. The Boom Primids were particularly annoying, because they attacked both short- and long-range with their boomerangs. Once LiQian had taken down all of the Boom Primids by bringing their health down to zero, she turned to help Tohru, who was fighting the regular Primids and the Big Primids. Just when Tohru and LiQian destroyed the Primids some cloud-like monsters appeared in the sky!

"Watch out," Tohru immediately warned LiQian. "I've had a lot of experience with these thugs when Tabuu tried to rule the world. See that little red bucket on their heads? That's what controls their reactions. Here comes one now!"

LiQian quickly learned the cloud-monsters' strategy; if someone wasn't paying attention, they'd get electrocuted before they even blinked, and if anybody attacked those thugs, they retaliated by turning dark black and zapping every good guy they could with violent forked lightning. It was interesting, learning how to beat special types of monsters.

But it was also incredibly draining--LiQian had to jump up right next to those floating clouds to attack them, and it was annoying, constantly having to dodge their lightnight blasts. Eventually, there was only one cloud left in the sky. She sighed and watched it closely. It just stayed in that same spot in the sky, so she decided to look for Tohru. LiQian suddenly spotted her sprinting across the Courtyard towards her. "Watch out, LiQian!"

She turned and saw the cloud moving as if in slow-motion. A bolt darted out from within its puffy white folds; she reacted quickly and barely dodged the blast. Grabbing her dagger, she slashed through the monster numerous times. When she finally got rid of the last cloud monster, she was exhausted. But as she sat down to rest, she came to with a jolt--Tohru had just called for help! LiQian thrust her dagger back in its place along her belt and sprinted off after Tohru's captor, a hooded figure of some kind.

"Hey, let go of her, you fiend!" LiQian shouted. The figure did not turn, but merely waved its free hand at her. Suddenly, a huge, gel-like wall sprang up in front of her. She frantically tried to climb the wall, but the gel-like plasma came off in clumps off the wall. And every time a chunk of plasma came off the wall, it grew taller and wider.

She slammed her fists on the wall. "Let her go! You can't separate us forever!" The wall responded by putting on an extra protection layer of electricity. LiQian nervously tapped the wall lightly. The next instant, she pulled her arm away. "Ow!" After a few more tries, she at last gave up and turned back the way she'd come. When she reached the center of the Courtyard, she stopped there and stood motionless, honoring her friend, guide, mentor....

Suddenly, the wind picked up. It jerked her hair this way and that, as if it was telling her to turn around. Sighing, she did so. To her amazement, a solitary door stood there! She walked up to it. Tohru was gone; LiQian was all alone without anyone to help her. She shivered in the biting wind, then opened the door and stepped over the threshold.

TO BE CONTINUED

So, there's my story for now! Again, if you haven't played Adventure Mode of SSBB, I already warned you, so there's not much I can do to help you understand the story better. Please let me know what you think of it!

Hello again! Yes! Another brawl fic. <3

First of all, I love how you incorporated SSBB with Tohru from Fruits Basket, as well as an OC! I did find her name rather difficult to pronounce (Lee Sin...? XD).

The ending of your first chapter left me in complete suspense - what's going to happen to the brawlers and Tohru? :O I also liked the aspect of the Heroe's Palace, and the way you described it somehow reminded me of the Sohma House. XD

Oh! Before I forget:

All the others agreed and grumbled against their captor. But they were quickly silenced by a deep, thundering voice. "You are my captives now, and if you do not obey, you will be thrown into the great Furnace of Heat!" At this, the fiery chamber by their jail cells suddenly came to life and crackled furiously. All nervously retreated into their cells; they knew they would waste away in their cells for eternity, and there was no hope. Unless...someone, a true hero, could rise above all the forces of evil. But how was that possible? They'd all been captured, even the strongest of them! So why did they still long for freedom?


"I can't wait! I'm so excited to see Mario, Peach, Link, Zelda...all of the heroes that fought against Tabuu," the excited girl exclaimed to her mentor and guide, Tohru.

Between these two paragraphs, I believe perhaps a divider (ex. - - -) may be a good idea to place. It distinguishes the transition from one scene to another quite well, as there was some confusion for me when you began a new scene.

No one else was there; all was silent. Not a leaf stirred; the wind died down, and the sun's heat succumbed to the still, cold air.

I absolutely adore this! A beautiful description it was; the reader can clearly imagine how utterly, almost deathly silent the atmosphere in the courtyard was.

Anyways, kudos to a great job and I'm sorry for the tedious review! ^.^;; I'd love to see the next part. Please do keep writing! :'] /stars/

Farewell for now.

- Nutmeg =3

Hey there! Here as requested.

Ok, so before I begin I just need to say that I haven't ever heard of SSBB, so this isn't going to focus on how well your fanfiction has corresponded to that or anything! I'll just give you some nitpicks!

Mario, Peach, Bowser, Yoshi, Wario, Donkey Kong, Diddy Kong, Pit, Link, Zelda/Sheik, Kirby, King Dedede, Meta Knight, Samus/Zero Suit Samus, Fox, Lucas, Ike, Pikachu, Pokemon Trainer (with Charizard, Squirtle, and Ivysaur), Ice Climbers, Pikmin & Olimar, Marth, Luigi, Mr. Game & Watch, Falco, Wolf, Ness, Jigglypuff, Toon Link, R.O.B., Snake, Captain Falcon, Ganondorf, Sonic, and Lucario.

Wow.

And your teacher really gave you that as a prompt? Ok, I won't say anything about it.

The prisoners, all SSBB characters, groaned against their dark, magical chains.

I don't think that you should immediately say that they are all SSBB characters. Firstly because it takes away from the story and secondly anyone who hasn't played this game won't understand the acronym which makes the whole thing a little redundant.
In addition, describing the chains as dark isn't very original. You've also used the adjective dark in your previous sentence (although that wasn't your fault!) so I'd think of a different way to describe the chains.

All nervously retreated into their cells; they knew they would waste away in their cells for eternity, and there was no hope.

There's a repetition of cells there. Although it's not bad and certain;y wouldn't lose you marks or anything it just makes the sentence sound a little off when it's read out loud.

Unless...someone, a true hero, could rise above all the forces of evil.

I don't really like the ellipses here, they don't work for me.

if anyone was invited to come live there, s/he immediately accepted and moved his/her stuff to the Palace.

So written down the bolded parts are ok, if a little weird to be written. But it's much easier if you just put "they immediately accepted and moved their stuff...". Just means that if it's read out then it works, and also looks better written down.

"CHARGE!!"

I don't think you need two exclamation marks. The capitals + one exclamation mark do it just fine.

Everyone got into fighting positions and attacked!

I'd quite like some more description here. Instead of just saying "everyone attacked" it would be way better if you said how the primids got into position. How LiQian and Tohru responded to this. Did he perhaps warn her of the danger? Did the primids look evil and calculating? Or were they simply mindless slaves of some kind.
I'm really sorry if what I'm saying would be very apparent to someone who has played this game, but even then you can't rely on people simply knowing what you mean. Even if your fiction is based on something else, you still have to describe and use detail.

LiQian grabbed a dagger from Tohru and started hacking down every enemy she came across.

Again, I think more detail would be nice.



Overall
Ok, so this was a pretty nice piece! I was able to follow it despite having no idea what it was based on, which is a good sign. I do think that you need to add in some more description however, there are so many things in here that you've skipped over. And those things could be really cool if you describe them well.

Hope that this helped!

~Amy

OK, thank you, Amy. Awesome review, by the way!

Even though you didn't suggest it, I decided to describe the Primids a little more. I'm not sure I was precise in my description, but it helps the reader see a little more about the Primid, don't you think?

Anyway, thank you again for the review!

Hey, Fruits!
Pink here, as requested.

Nitpicks

All nervously retreated into their cells; they knew they would waste away in them for eternity,

This sentence can flow so much better.
Try something like: "They nervously retreated into their cells, which they knew they would waste away in for eternity." (something close to that)

they immediately accepted and moved their stuff to the Palace.

I suggest you replace "stuff" with something else. Like, things or belongings.
"Stuff" takes away from the sentence and it's an unprofessional word. Only use it if it's truly mandatory.

30 seconds

Spell out thirty.

"CHARGE!"

Try to stay away from caps. "Charge!" works just fine.

Overall
Okay, I do own/play SSBM, so I know what you're talking about.
I like how you decided to make a fanfiction out of this, I mean I haven't seen someone do that before, but maybe it's just me.
Remember, this is a fanfiction. Why would you read a fanfiction of something you've never heard before? Right? I wouldn't read Twilight fanfictions if I've never read the book so don't worry too much about having others who haven't experienced the game understand it. But, if I hadn't played the game before, I could still understand this. It's just like reading a novel!
As for the aspect, I think it's a wonderful twist. I like how you incorporated Tohru in here. I'm also a fruits basket fan! Whoop whoop, for people who turn into animals!
Anyway, all I can do is say, good job. Just work on your descriptions and add more depth to the story, there are many things that need to be explained a bit more clearly. If you have any questions feel free to PM me.
Hopefully this helped, hah.
See ya around,

~Pink

Thank you so much for the suggestions, Pink! I'm finally starting to get some reviews...hehe. I'm so happy!

OK, see you guys later; I used your suggestions, Pink. Again, thanks a million! xD

Hey Fruitbasket!!
First of all, I gotta tell you that I've never heard of that game before. My huge bad!!
So let's begin.

This is a very decen piece. The description of the surroundings was very good, I could picture the background and almost everything. but for character development there was very few things, almost nonw. I have no idea how each of your characters look. Characters make up a story. If a story has a good plot, but flat characters, be sure that is not going to be that good.
So add some body expression, some facial expressions. Something to give us an idea of how your characters are.
Something else, I'm not that sure of who is your main character.
Now, the comments at the beginning were bigger than the whole story, and not that necessary.

Now some nitpicks.

LiQian nodded and meekly walked behind Tohru on the path leading to the Heroes' Palace. This was where all the heroes who had previously defeated Tabuu, the all-time worst monster, lived.

So, let's say, I Know nothing about Tabuu, wouldn't it be nice if you gave us some more of the story, the background story of that? I mean, how everything happened. Why was Tabuu os bad?
It would be nice if you added this information. Other thing. What about Tohru? He just appears but nothing about him either. I think it should be good if you added something about his appearance.

It was considered the greatest honor to be able to live in the Heroes' Palace; if anyone was invited to come live there, they immediately accepted and moved their belongings to the Palace.

Don't put the semicolon here, it doesn't work for me. I know the topic is related but it still should be two separate sentences.

Tohru and LiQian walked through the open gateway and went to the Courtyard. Instantly, they knew something was wrong. No one else was there; all was silent. Not a leaf stirred; the wind died down, and the sun's heat succumbed to the still, cold air.


"Charge!" a herald voice proclaimed. Immediately, Tohru and LiQian were surrounded by Primids of all sorts--Big Primids, Boom Primids, you name it. As the green, bug-eyed Primids formed a circle around them and started creeping closer, ever closer, Tohru and LiQian grabbed their daggers from their belts and stood back-to-back, watching the Primids' every move.

This part and the next, really seems too rushed to even get into the story. Try slowing down, pacing your story so that the reader can really feel the story.

"These things may look cute and fluffy, but they would zap any good guy with their electricity without pausing to think."

ok, so this sounds funny but I don't think it should placed there. I mean,is an action scene.

they'd get electrocuted before they could say 'blink',

Wouldn't it be better if you said, before they even blinked?

Overall
It was good, pretty good. If you added some more description and slowed down a bit, the piece would be even better. By the way, it's so cool that you had very few grammar mistakes.

Hope I helped.

XOXO
Pudin

Thank you, Pudin, your review is much appreciated.

My main character is LiQian--I thought that was obvious, since she's the one that goes over the threshold, and I don't think it would make sense to have Tohru as the main character; because I'm keeping Tohru a prisoner for a long time in a who-knows-where (besides me ) dungeon. That's right, she'll be in the dungeon with all the other SSBB characters!

Anyway, I'd better not give away too much for now. Thank you again for the review!

Hey Furuba! (Don’t mind if I call you that, do I?)
Thank you so much for responding to my reviews thread I’ll do my best to help you out, and if you have anything questions please don’t hesitate to ask me. Sometimes I phrase things funny or I lose track of my point, just to let you know. Anyway, here we go.

It was a dark and stormy night.

Although you did mention that it was a prompt from your teacher, feel free to change this hook up in the future. It is your story now, and once the class assignment is over you’re free to do what you want with it, right? So if you want to keep it, by all means, keep it. But the transition from ‘dark and stormy night’ to the ‘prisoners groaned against their ironclad chains’ seems very sudden. Somehow it’d be nice to see a transition through setting, you know? Like, first start with the weather and then set up where they are. Is it a dark castle? Massive and daunting? Or do you just want to mention that they’re in a dungeon? From there, move to the prisoners. I feel like that works better logically.

The excited girl asked her brown-haired mentor and guide, Tohru.

What you have here is perfectly fine. I just thought I’d take this chance to give a reminder that by showing details, you can add a lot more interest to the story. Here, LiQian (I’m pronouncing it as Lee-chan, just so you know ) is described as being ‘excited’. Perhaps a few physical details in its stead would paint a different picture. For example: “The girl asked, her eyes sparkling as she danced around her brown-haired mentor and guide, Tohru.” It’s not anything new or original, but now we see that she’s not only excited, but very active and playful. So, sometimes when you go through your story, think about the emotion the characters are expressing. Instead of just stating the emotion, show it through tangible details

LiQian, a 5'2" teen who had shoulder-length black hair, continued walking behind Tohru on the path leading to the Heroes' Palace.

I feel like either this information is awkward placed here or it should be phrased differently. It’s definitely important to the story to know what the protagonist looks like, but it feels like it’s here only for the sake of getting the picture out. It doesn’t weave into its surroundings as well as it should. Like, why is being 5’ 2” important to walking to the Heroes’ Palace?

No one else was there; all was silent. Not a leaf stirred; the wind died down, and the sun's heat succumbed to the still, cold air.

Lovely description. I definitely get a sense that something’s wrong. Just think that two semicolons in such close proximity to each other should be avoided. Perhaps replacing one of those with a period would fix that.

It's quiet, LiQian thought as she narrowed her eyes. Too quiet.

This would be best in its own paragraph. Thoughts should be treated like dialogue.

As the green, bug-eyed Primids formed a circle around them and started creeping closer, ever closer, Tohru and LiQian grabbed their daggers from their belts and stood back-to-back, watching the Primids' every move.

I feel like the repetition is unnecessary. Otherwise, I really like the description for this. It’s fluid and portrays the scene really well.

Suddenly, when the mass of Primids came about 5 feet away from Tohru and LiQian, they stopped.

Spell out ‘5’, so it’s ‘five’. General rule of thumb is to spell out all numbers from zero to a hundred.

“…These clouds may look cute and fluffy, but they would zap any good guy with their electricity without pausing to think."

Like pudin said, this sounds awkward. They are fighting, and I’m sure Tohru is very serious. Something like just “Watch out…” might do.

She shivered in the biting wind, then opened the door and stepped over the threshold.

Again, lovely description. You certainly have a knack for that. And it’s a great way to end the first chapter. I’m definitely ready to read more.

So, onwards to general overall things.

Plot
You’ve started at just the right place— Good work. It gives a little bit of a backdrop to the story, but then pushes on into the action quickly. It’s a good balance. The pacing in the beginning is good, but I think the latter half, with the fight, should be a little more detailed. I know writing action sequences are hard, but it’s exciting, right? Try and add a few more parts to it. Maybe one of the cloud things follows her around for a bit and she narrowly misses a bolt of lightning as she takes it out with her dagger…or however she eliminates them. There’s not much to say otherwise, but I like that everything is going in a very logical, smooth order. Nothing is conveniently popping out of the sky, and I’m pretty sure nothing will in the future.

Characterization
So, LiQian is an adorable name! I love it. I’m not quite sure how to pronounce it, but I like it anyway. I’m assuming she’s of Chinese descent then, and I’m glad your physical description suited her properly. She seems like a very young, playful girl who might have to do some growing up before she can save the world. Good; it’s a good, solid character to play off of. However, I did have a problem with the final part. She just gives up on trying to save her teacher? That seems odd. I didn’t take her to be someone to give on something like that. I know the plasma-wall must be frustrating for LiQian, but she seems like the sort to keep trying even if she knows she’s failing. If she’s not that plucky, I think that needs to be more apparent in her character.

Perspective
It seems like you’re taking an omniscient POV for this story, right? I’m assuming this since we go from the prologue in a dungeon then jump to a different character and setting completely. This is nice because you have a lot of flexibility in what information you can reveal, so I can’t say much about that. I’d like to applaud you for sticking to the past tense though; it’s often a mistake of mine and others to switch tenses, but you kept it pretty consistent.

Style
I like the tone of the story, it suits an action/adventure story well. Stick with what you’ve got because it works. Grammatically, everything looks pretty sound. I’m not very good with the minute details of grammar, but the story flows with few to no hiccups. You change up the sentence structure, making the story interesting to read. And you avoid passive voice, yay! Dialogue is really nice too, it fits the characters (with the exception of that one bit I pointed out earlier).

Overall, a fantastic job on the first chapter! My biggest recommendation is to add more detail in the action segment and slow the pace down there. Otherwise, keep up the good work!


Best of luck,
octo

Thank you so much, Octo. Review much appreciated.

I think I fixed most of your suggestions--hehe, I bet I still have to relax a lot on the fighting scenes.

Anyway, thanks again for the review. Great job!

Hey Fruitbaskets!

(I'm here, finally. =] And only doing a short review, because I didn't find much wrong.)

Just letting you know, I played SSBB, once upon a time, but haven't seen it in ages. I don't remember much of it though.

But it was also incredibly draining--LiQian had to jump up right next to those floating clouds to attack them, and it was annoying constantly having to dodge their lightnight blasts.

This is the only thing I found, I'm not sure if it has to be, but it would sound better if you put a comma after annoying, just before constantly.

I like the way LiQian has a capital 'Q'.

Here and there, it felt like you were 'telling', not 'showing'. Apart from that though, it was really good! I really liked it!

Keep writing!

~Mo.

Haha, thanks Mo. I'm so glad you liked it!

Ah, Octo, in answer to your thoughts, yes, LiQian is Chinese. That's right--I'm really proud of my Chinese Heritage, and that my mother went through the Cultural Revolution under Chairman MaoZeDong!

I'm sorry that that was all I edited for now. Later, I'll go through my story and try to spot and fix the 'telling' spots. Hm...

Oh, it's sad that you haven't seen SSBB in a while! But anyway, hope you can play it again sometime in the near future....

Hehe, that was totally unlike me! *dreamily gazes off into distance* (Even more unlike me! )

Yay, the updated version is now up! A link to it is here. Previous reviewers, no need to review, but I would like at least a couple critiques including how much improved--or worsened, hopefully not!--the newer edition is! Thanks again, guys.

I like the description. I can just imagine the monsters. Maybe some description on the main character. And I can't see Tohru fighting, the main character, maybe, but not Tohru.

And should you really be throwing Tohru in the story? Cause Tohru is from Fruits Basket, and it's just kind of random for Torhu to just pop up. You could try changing Tohru's name to something else.

Other than that, I love it! I got SSBB a long time ago, but I can still love it!