Young Writers Society

Fires, flaming
deep down,
beneath flesh, bone, and blood.
Ignited by a clean break,
as you choke on the chalky pieces.

Fears, festering
mid-way,
beneath cloth, head, and hope.
Encouraged by a hurt thought,
as you scream from the wordless pain.

Fragments, fumbling
shallow high,
beneath hair, imagination, and illustration.
Provoked by a firey fear,
as you suffer in the endless despair.

Hello Zly! Dogs here with your review! So this is a great piece you have here, I love the idea and the imagery. I also like the free verse style you are using here, it really adds to your poem. I only have a few minor errors to point out.

Ok so firstly is the grammar, I really suggest that you don't capitalize every sentence, and I suggest that you put punctuation at the end of every sentence. So like the first stanza maybe write something more like:

Fires, flaming
deep down
beneath flesh, bone, and blood.
Ignited by a clean break,
as you choke on the chalky pieces.

So you can figure out the rest of the grammar yourself, if you want to make that change which is entirely up to you of course. Now, there are a few lines where the wording is just a little weird. So like when you say:

"As you scream from the wordless pain"

Maybe try saying something like:

as you scream from a wordless pain

Now the rhythm is good here because you have a little pattern in each stanza which I picked up just recently lol. That makes this poem stronger so props to you on that. The biggest problem I have here is really is you use lots of simple words over and over again like when you say:

"Encouraged by a hurt thought"

This line could be so much stronger if you substitute out "hurt" for a different word. Try looking it up in a thesauruses to find a stronger, less common word that I don't see every day.

Well all and all this is a great piece with just a few minor errors. Keep up the good work!!!!

TuckEr EllsworTh