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31 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 635
Reviews: 31
Wed Jan 25, 2012 12:50 am
PurpleEurope says...



Sorry, it won't be perfect, but you know, I'm inspired

You and I, we walked awhile
across the common ground
up to the bridge over a stream
where there was not a sound

Across a grassy, unworn path
where not many had gone
to our secret beauty
we, determined, stumbled on.

Up the steep and rocky hill
we reached our secret section
the train tracks on a bridge,
where mother nature showed perfection.

I went back there yesterday
and threw rocks in frustration
knowing you would never again
see our private destination.

I layed down flowers while I was there
and for an hour I cried
you wanted to propose that day
But because of someones haste, you died.


SORRY ABOUT THE PUNCTUATION.
PotterheadFranklinArthurMacKenzietheFourth<3
  





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144 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 11482
Reviews: 144
Wed Jan 25, 2012 1:03 am
GoldenQuill says...



Must say that my first reaction while reading this: AWWWW.
Hallo, Quill here, reviewing! Let's get started!

You and I, we walked awhile
across the common ground
Up to the bridge, over a stream
where there was not a sound

Across a grassy, unworn path
where not many had gone
To our secret beauty
we, determined, stumbled on.

Up the steep and rocky hill
we reached our secret section
The train tracks on a bridge,
My mind read this 'to the train tracks,' and I quite like that better, because it helps the poem flow better. Your call.
where mother nature showed perfection.
Very wordy here. Too many words, unfortunately. D: Try just 'where nature showed...'

I went back there yesterday
Again, sounds wrong. Try 'I'd come there yesterday'
and threw rocks in frustration
Knowing you would never again
see our private destination.

I layed down flowers while I was there
and for an hour, I cried
You wanted to propose that day
But because of someones haste, you died.
Try, 'but from someone's haste, you died.'


Question: How is she walking to the tracks with him when yesterday he died?

Other than that, this was fabulous! I really enjoyed it. Ever want a review again, shoot me a PM or go to my review thread.

Love & Blessings,
Aushy
formerly ZlyWilk

Finally achieving my dreams. Dive into a unique horror story.
  





User avatar
31 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 635
Reviews: 31
Wed Jan 25, 2012 1:12 pm
PurpleEurope says...



I did origianally had it as "Where nature showed perfecton", but I changed, but you're right, it does flow better that way.
Also, it'd chronological. She's talking about those times, then it gets back from the "flashback" and she's saying she went back yesterday.
PotterheadFranklinArthurMacKenzietheFourth<3
  








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