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Young Writers Society


Farmville



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Gender: Female
Points: 5533
Reviews: 696
Tue Jan 24, 2012 10:32 am
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Audy says...



Rated for content and language.

Please,
do survey this plantation of scrapers,
and irrigated subway streams
the congested flow of polluted blood.
These black bags billowing through,
like half-imagined tumbleweeds,
not in urban jungle, but a farm
like any other farm in province land—
serving to harden you and your callused palms.

See here's a cultivation of a culture,
of real men in the worn-out boots
of one mean generation rid of romances;
such lifestyle of labor, where leisure
is a fresh scent of paint fumes,
mingled weed, black & milds;
all to tame the animals of the ghetto
who craves designer branding and shackles,
while feeding off the fodder of richmen,
fueling feuds between fifth street
and ninth street's gang of thieves.

This here's a wilderness' nest,
hatching the cuckoos' cracked egg.
S'why we're all so fucked up!
Isolated too, the lone farmer-man
his nose up a field of glass,
and artificial pixels light the twinkle in his eye.
'Cuz yeah, he makes his own food; his crops
are what they call art here, because what else
will sustain him in such a place devoid of people?
  





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Points: 1028
Reviews: 89
Tue Jan 24, 2012 11:38 am
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Karzkin says...



Audy, returning the favour.

First, props for the consistently effective alliteration. Very nice. To what extent was it deliberate?

Second, what's going on with the meter? You have a very distinct style in all your poems, they all flow very nicely. My one gripe, however, is there seems to be no plan behind the structure of the piece. Each line by itself is liquid sound, but they seem to struggle to fall together. It would be quite lyrical but for the inconsistencies.

Third, one or two small nit-picks:
not in urban jungle, but a farm

Should this read "not an urban jungle" ?
because what else
will sustain him in such a place devoid of people.

A question mark at the end perhaps?

Other than that, I dig this. Interesting exploration of the topic, great imagery (I especially liked the foreign cuckoo egg in the wilderness' nest), clever techniques, and I love your easy style.

Yours,

K.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

K's Killa Kritiques

#TNT

All Hail the undisputed king of the YWS helicopter game.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 11482
Reviews: 144
Wed Jan 25, 2012 10:26 pm
GoldenQuill says...



Well Audy! I've actually had my eye on you, because my most popular nickname is Aushy, and it's close, and you know how silly writer's minds work.

Well, hallo, I'm Zly Quill, nice to be reviewing you. Let's get started!

I. Nitpicks
II. Structure
III. Closing Notes

I.

See here's a cultivation of a culture,

This was intentional, wasn't it? I can tell. Honestly, however, it doesn't give the reader much to go on. Obviously a culture has been cultured or cultivated, because it is a culture. I understand why you used it, and you don't have to change it, it just caught my eye.

mingled weed, black & milds

Spell out 'and,' dear.

'Cuz yeah, he makes his own food; his crops

'Cause*

II.

While not much of a poet myself, I found this very good, strong, and pretty. I liked your descriptions, but for some reason, I didn't fall into the poem as easily as I wanted to. I don't know what it was, perhaps the rhythm of the poem was slightly off or something.

III.
Praises~ I liked your word usage, pretty language, and just overall good structure/poetry.

Critiques~ As I said it sounded like it was a little off, but other than that, can't think of anything.

PM me or visit my spaceship if you ever want a review again!

Love & Blessings,
Zly Quill
formerly ZlyWilk

Finally achieving my dreams. Dive into a unique horror story.
  








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