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Young Writers Society


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28 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 28
Mon Oct 20, 2008 8:06 pm
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helpless42 says...



We are writing school applications for our English class and i need some serious help in the grammar department. (i write like i talk, badly) I don't care if you criticize me on every word, just as long as it makes this better. if i don't get a high grade on this, my parents will ground me and take my computer. (they obviously have no respect for the eighth amendment)

I am a fourteen year old girl who’s interests include: geology, geography, astronomy, anthropology, history, drama, Debate, reading, writing, ice skating, roller blading, , rock climbing, swimming, , hiking, traveling, and music. Words that describe me would be: happy, nice, friendly, enthusiastic, motivated, outgoing, fun, creative, intelligent, and dependable. I am open to trying new things and meeting new people. I am a positive person and do my best to make the people around me happy too. I am a quick learner and I always get my work done on time. Some of the many school programs interest me such as American History, Community Service, Creative Writing, Drama, Geography, Geology, Logic Music, Physics, and World History. I look forward to learning more about your school.


-Please don't put titles all in caps in the future.
Cheers,
Alainna
xx
  





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160 Reviews



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Mon Oct 20, 2008 8:12 pm
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Krupp says...



I would consider changing almost every part that says, "I am" because repeating that makes it sound dead. Besides that, I can't really say you did anything reall wrong...just find better ways to start off your sentences besides saying, "I am."

For example:

Here's what you have written: "I am a positive person and do my best to make the people around me happy too..."

Try doing something like this instead: "my personality reflects how positive I am, and how I do my best to make the people around me happy..."

I'm not saying what I wrote is an idea you should go with. I'm just trying to show you what you CAN do.
I'm advertising here: Rosetta...A Determinism of Morality...out May 25th...2010 album of the year, without question.
  





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Mon Oct 20, 2008 8:16 pm
miyaviloves says...



I agrew with Krupp about the I am thing. Try to make it less ordinary, at the moment you really are just making a list. Try to add some personality to this, I'm sure you can make it much mroe unique. Dont forget that the people who are going to be reading this are going to be reading lots of them you need to make sure this stands out so it is remembered.
Bag.

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28 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 28
Mon Oct 20, 2008 11:03 pm
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helpless42 says...



thanks a lot! re-reading it i see how dead it is. thank you!!!!
  








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