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Young Writers Society


Concealed



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Gender: Female
Points: 1094
Reviews: 3
Wed Nov 09, 2011 10:47 pm
myintensity says...



This is an intro to a story I started. Please tell me what you like and don’t thanks. :) Ps: i usually forget commas but, I will try not to.

She walked along the dark and narrow path she had taken so many times. It usually seemed so short but, now right this second it demanded that it would not end. Her delicate hands shook violently, as the blood slowly dripped. She took a deep breath and darted into a run. Her feet barley touching the ground, as if it would swallow her. She inhaled the silence and broke it up with the sound of her body.
Almost there,” she whispered. Then everything stopped, and she knew what was happening but she couldn’t bare look. As she turned the unthinkable happened.
I’m getting ahead of myself, let me start from the beginning. After all the end sometimes turns out to be just that, the beginning. Her name, Athena. She was strong, witty, and most of all determined. A girl made up of many things, she learned a lot through pain mostly. Love was scarce in her childhood, and even now in her young adulthood. She was 17 just realizing who she was, and what she was going to become. Her dirty blonde hair flowed down her back, and her eyes were grey like the moon.
At a young age she learned not to trust, for it was only made to be betrayed. Love was made to hate, and family to become strangers. Her old life held her captive but, she knew one day she would break free of the hurt, the pain, and just live. Live like she always wanted to, live free. Free from her chains that held her back from everything she dreamed of getting.
She lived with her so called family in a town called province. It was a sad town full of death, and hardship. It was a combination of people who pretended things were alright, and others who just gave up. All of them were really quite the same to Athena, she had yet to connect with someone. To be with someone she loved, and to be loved in return.
Her father left when Athena was just 2 years old. Her mother never really told her why, Athena figured she probably didn’t know herself. After all how can you condone someone for leaving, there never was really a good answer. Whether it be true or false. She never really knew anything about him except his name Ben.
Jenny, Athena’s mom was a women who didn’t know how to deal with her problems, she never let go. She held on to the hurt, and always blamed everything on someone as long as it wasn’t her. She was tall, and quite beautiful. She always had something to say, usually negative. Her short dark hair always moved when she walked, and her eyes were a dark hazel color. She did though have those moments when she made things happy, and became the women she used to be. The bubbly cutesy girl she was on the inside. When she wanted she would shine like the sun. Simple perfection, a rarity she hid extremely well.
It had been Athena and her mom for all her life. Although they had rough times they loved each other, that’s all that really mattered. They fought all the time, and sometimes it seemed things could never get better. They always ended up fixing things, until that day…that dreadful day.
You see her mother would walk every morning to the meadows, and through this hidden path that only she and Athena knew about. That morning was sunny, and the breeze was slight but just enough. The grass and sky seemed more colorful, more alive than ever. Athena had been feeling ill that day, and decided she would stay home and rest. Her mom hated to miss a day like this, so she went any way kissing her daughter one last time.
“Love you mom,” Athena said smiling. “Love you too be back soon,” she replied. Those were the last words she spoke to her most treasured gift. There’s was a love tarnished by pain, and sorrow. There memories with each other would one day be the strength Athena needed to overcome the greatest challenge of all. She had her mom to thank for that.
Jenny started walking down the long road that awaited, she soaked in as much nature and beauty as possible. Being out there reminded her of the good that was so often hidden by all the darkness. She took each step as if it were her last, as if she knew.
Without warning she vanished. Pronounced dead, after many years of searching. Athena went out looking every day, for a month. She grew tired, but how could she give up on someone who would never stop if it was reverse. She believed that her mom was alive, her mom was stolen. She wasn't done investigating, she would discover what really happened.

Hope you like it, I know its rough.
  





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5 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 919
Reviews: 5
Mon Nov 14, 2011 6:53 am
taliarose says...



I clicked on this at first just because I LOVE one word titles. I though that this piece was really well written. Your use of description is great. You do have a couple of grammatical errors, but other than that, well done!
"Of course it is in your head, why should that mean it isn't real?" -Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 1140
Reviews: 6
Tue Nov 15, 2011 12:43 am
camronmarshall says...



You need to put in a hint of conflict, foreshadow something bigger so we keep reading. You lost me pretty quick
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1094
Reviews: 3
Fri Nov 18, 2011 6:10 pm
myintensity says...



Thanks for reviewing my work :)
  








A true poet does not bother to be poetical. Nor does a nursery gardener scent his roses.
— Jean Cocteau