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The Last Leadslinger

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Thu Dec 29, 2005 11:35 pm
Torpid says...



Removed. 8)

I thank all those who critiqued it.
Last edited by Torpid on Thu Nov 09, 2006 12:07 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Fri Dec 30, 2005 12:45 am
Jiggity says...



"his long obsidian leather coat"

Obsidian is, as far as i know, a volcanic material and it can not be made into clothing. It would be better to say: his long obsidian coloured leather coat.

"After a few minutes, fed up he was, he drew his pistol. BOOM! BOOM! He squeezed off two shots into the night sky."
dont use sound effects. Thats where description comes in handy, say instead: After a few minutes, he was fed up and so drew his pistol, thundering two shots into the night sky

just some suggestions.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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139 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 650
Reviews: 139
Fri Dec 30, 2005 2:06 am
Torpid says...



Thanx for the thundering shots, i will use that later. I'm writing more of it now and there is about to be a shooting...
~Torpid




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Fri Dec 30, 2005 10:46 pm
Emma says...



It's good! There are some grammar areas where you need to improve on, but it is good! Also, try breaking it up a bit so it is easier for us to read.

One pointer; I don't like it when you use the words "BOOM BOOM" I know you are trying to make use of onomatopoeia's, but I just don't see why you need to use "BOOM BOOM". Nice work, I'm off to read the second part now.




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139 Reviews



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Reviews: 139
Tue Jan 03, 2006 9:45 pm
Torpid says...



Thanx when i get enough time to write the third part i will.
~Torpid




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Fri Jan 13, 2006 7:28 pm
Dargquon Ql'deleodna says...



good stuff, i see quite allot of potential in this story. i agree that you probably shouln't put the BOOM BOOM! in it. it is very well paced. and now im going to go read the other part.




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375 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 650
Reviews: 375
Fri Jan 13, 2006 7:28 pm
Dargquon Ql'deleodna says...



good stuff, i see quite allot of potential in this story. i agree that you probably shouln't put the BOOM BOOM! in it. it is very well paced. and now im going to go read the other part.