z

Young Writers Society


I Won't Let Go



User avatar
456 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 368
Reviews: 456
Mon Jan 16, 2012 2:14 am
View Likes
Rascalover says...



Tears cascaded down her face as she tossed and turned. Her long, golden hair whipping around her shoulders, splashed across her sleeping husband’s face. Rubbing the crust from his eyes, he leaned on one elbow. This was the third time this week she had woke him up in the middle of the night. Gently, he laid his tan hand down on her shoulder and shook.

“Belle, wake up. Honey… honey.” She jolted up, her eyes scrambling around the room to find out where she was.

“Oh Gary, it was awful.” She leaned into his comforting arms and sobbed.

“Shhhh, it was just a nightmare. You’re okay. It’s okay,” Gary said, rubbing her back.

No it’s not just a dream. Our baby died. The baby I was carrying to save our marriage died.

Isabella fell back into a restless sleep, as her husband tried to comfort her, but every time sleep came her dreams were filled with blood and a pain you would never wish on your worst enemy. The nastiest part of it all: every drop of it was true. Here in dream land the truths of your past that no one had ever heard came to greet you again. They laugh and torment you down to your soul until your sobbing, and your husband has to shake you to wake up. Isabella was lured down to sleep by the crying of a baby she never met. As she swirled down the black hole behind her eyelids, the calendars ripped back to twenty years ago.
A scared and shaken teenage girl had just found out she was pregnant. With no where to run the girl grabs scissors and rips at her stomach which is now growing by the second. Blood spills all around her, seeping into the white, porcelain carpet. No one was there to hear her dying screams or to witness the murder of an unborn child. Once again Isabella wakes up screaming and in cold sweats, but this time her husband wasn’t at her bed side. He had gone to work a few short hours ago.
Isabella slinked out of her damp teddy and started the shower in their adjoining master bathroom. The sound of the scolding water soothed her shivers and trembles. She opened the shower door and drifted into the hot steam that was plowing at her. Her mind kept wandering back to the baby she had lost just days before. She knew it was all her fault, but Gary had persisted that it wasn’t, that it was just an accident. Little did he know, the doctor had, in fact, informed her that a decision she had made twenty years earlier had cost her baby’s life, and she would probably never be able to have any other children. Not unless, she got a risky surgery to clean out all of the scar tissue sweltering in her ovaries.
The steaming shower wasn’t enough to take her mind off of the death of two untimely deaths. She stepped out of the shower and dressed casually in a tank top and skinny, dark jeans. Her appointment with her therapist was only in thirty minutes, minus the twenty it took to get to the office, so Isabella grabbed a pastry on her way out of the door.
Doctor Amber Rose was waiting for Isabella in her penthouse office. Isabella saunters in, gives a half hearted greeting, and sits down on the overstuffed leather couch.

“Last week we had just uncovered the pain you were feeling about being pregnant a second time. Do you want to continue to talk about that?” Dr. Rose crossed her legs, intently watching Isabella.

“No… I lost my… my baby.” Isabella’s tears threatened to come down her cheeks as she whispered the last part of the sentence.

“Isabella, I am deeply sorry for your lost. What would you like to talk about?” Dr. Rose asked as she jotted some things down on her yellow, legal notepad.

Isabella had this part of the visit all planned out she was finally going to tell someone what had happened that warm, late spring night, but as her mind raced around the memories, her mouth forgot how to form words. She closed her eyes and furrowed her brow as her mind traveled to that perfect shell of a house her mother worked so hard to make a home.

As the sun blasted through the blinds revealing a green and purple Tinkerbelle comforter, you could hear the air circulating through the house. With two growing teenagers, Mike and Chrystal Hawley needed all the money they could get, so they had already left for work in the wee hours of the morning. You would think there was no one left in the house because both Isabella and Jonah were suppose to be at school by eight, but in the back of the house, at the top of the stairs, at the end of the long hallway was a sobbing Isabella, drowning in her blankets.
She was playing hooky from school, but maybe hooky was too joyful of a word. Isabella was suffering from an emotional sickness, ripping apart her insides and causing her head to explode in torment. Just the day before she had felt complete comfort and relief, like the world had been lifted off of her shoulders so she could breathe again, but it was crashing down around her faster than it took her mind to wake up. There was a buddle of fear that seemed to suffocate her, and by getting rid of it, she felt like she had lynched the rope around her neck.
The sobs came out in tiny chokes; there would be no way to find her baby again. No adoption agency could help you find a baby that you got rid of in such a gruesome fashion; no one even knew she had been carrying a child in her womb. Too shameful to spend money at a real clinic, Isabella risked her life by looking up online ways to abort your own fetus. A coat hanger and massive amounts of blood later, she was sure she had succeeded in destroying the life within her.


When Isabella opened her eyes she was gasping for air, and said “Dr. Rose can you up my medication, please?”
Last edited by Rascalover on Tue Jan 24, 2012 10:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html
  





User avatar
37 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 3404
Reviews: 37
Fri Jan 20, 2012 1:36 am
View Likes
ShootingStars says...



Hi, this is Shooting Stars like you requested! :D
In the first few sentences, you grabbed me which is important so good job! I love your writing style but felt there were a few places where things were forced. Forget that, though because I liked it!
Rascalover wrote:
The nastiest part of it all: every drop of it was true. Here in dream land the truths of your past that no one had ever heard came to greet you again. They laugh and torment you down to your soul until your--- supposed to be "you're" sobbing, and your husband has to shake you to wake up. Isabella was lured down to sleep by the crying of a baby she never met. As she swirled down the black hole behind her eyelids, the calendars ripped back to twenty years ago.

Other than small grammatical mistakes, I really loved reading your piece! I liked the descriptions! I could really feel the emotions of the main character and picture the places you mentioned.
Great job overall!
---Shooting Stars
When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. Anything your heart desires will come to you. -Jiminy Cricket

Don't be afraid to jump, to leap, to fly too far and don't be scared to touch the stars!
  





User avatar



Gender: None specified
Points: 690
Reviews: 1
Tue Jan 24, 2012 7:54 am
View Likes
ydnadeirf says...



Hello Rascalover!

I guess I'll start by saying that I love both the beginning and ending to this piece. The beginning really hooks the reader in while the ending makes them want to keep reading, which is always a good thing :)

Rascalover wrote:With no where to run the girl grabs scissors and rips at her stomach which is now growing by the second.


'no where' should be one word.

Rascalover wrote:Isabella slinked out of her damp teddy and started the shower in their adjoining master bathroom.


Just thought I'd mention that I love the descriptive word 'slinked' you used here ;)

Rascalover wrote:Isabella saunters in, gives a half hearted greeting, and sits down on the overstuffed leather couch.


I believe that 'half hearted' is also one word.

Rascalover wrote:You would think there was no one left in the house because both Sherri and Jonah were suppose to be at school by eight in the morning


You are just missing the 'd' on 'supposed'.

Well now that I have mentioned the technical errors that I found, I want to comment on the story as a whole. It is a very interesting story with a very good plot line, but I felt like it was rushed at some points that made the flow of the story a little choppy. For instance you mention that she has a twenty minute drive to the therapist's office. Yet we are left off with the character leaving the house and later rejoin her when she is already at the doctor's office. As the reader this leaves me with a few questions. What happens in the twenty minutes that it takes Isabella to drive to the office? What kind of thoughts or emotions does she have? The rest of your story is so descriptive and interesting. It was a disappointment not knowing what was going on with the character for that period of time in the story.

Well, other then that I enjoyed this piece very much. You have a very good writing style that keeps the reader interested. Just work on the flow of your writing. Keep up the good work!
"Show me a hero and I'll write you a tragedy."
~F. Scott Fitzgerald
  





User avatar
135 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1747
Reviews: 135
Tue Jan 24, 2012 8:01 am
View Likes
stargazer9927 says...



Can I just say I love your writing. I follow a lot of people (well at least I used to) and I can honestly say out of all of them you're the only one I can never get enough of no matter what you post. And I always feel horrible because I'm so into the story I never have a review for you :) Great job! You did a great job with emotion by far and I could feel her pain.
Let's eat mom.
Let's eat, mom.
Good grammar saves lives :D
  





User avatar
144 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 11482
Reviews: 144
Wed Jan 25, 2012 6:03 am
View Likes
GoldenQuill says...



Your writing left me breathless.

Hi, I'm Zly/Quill, here to review. Only a few grammatical errors here and there:

No, it’s not just a dream. Our baby died. The baby I was carrying to save our marriage died.


The steaming shower wasn’t enough to take her mind off of the death of two untimely deaths.

?

“Dr. Rose, can you up my medication, please?”


This was very good. I could obviously feel the emotion to the strongest extreme. Please keep up the good work, keep writing, and if you ever need a review, you know where to go.
formerly ZlyWilk

Finally achieving my dreams. Dive into a unique horror story.
  





User avatar
146 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3999
Reviews: 146
Wed Jan 25, 2012 8:35 pm
View Likes
Dragongirl says...



Hello R,

Dragongirl here as requested.

So let me start out by saying this is very good. The emotion of this piece really comes through and the reader can feel Isabella's pain. However, there were a couple spots I found confusing.

I didn't notice to many gammer problems and isn't a ton I can say that would make this much better. There were only a few little slip ups that I caught and want to point out.

Isabella was lured down to sleep by the crying of a baby she never met.


Alright so right here you say Isablla is lured to sleep by the crying of a baby yet earlier in the same paragragh you say;


Isabella fell back into a restless sleep, as her husband tried to comfort her


Not a hugh deal, but you may want to clear up when she falls asleep, with her husband conforting her or to a baby crying.

This bit I found a little hard to understand.

A scared and shaken teenage girl had just found out she was pregnant. With no where to run the girl grabs scissors and rips at her stomach which is now growing by the second. Blood spills all around her, seeping into the white, porcelain carpet. No one was there to hear her dying screams or to witness the murder of an unborn child.


It is, to be sure, a grusome tale, but I was unsure of how it goes with this story. Is it Isaballa's dream that we are reading? You say that the calendar rips back twenty years so is it an event from her past? Something that really happened years ago to someone she knew or just something she dreamed up randomly?

The steaming shower wasn’t enough to take her mind off of the death of two untimely deaths.


I think you meant 'the two untimely deaths'.

They laugh and torment you down to your soul until your sobbing, and your husband has to shake you to wake up


Should be, 'you're'

Sorry for nit-picking but other than those small things I don't think there is much I can say to help you with this. I think that the message to this is great and is something that needs to be written more. Your descriptions are really great. Here are two I thought were especially nice.

As she swirled down the black hole behind her eyelids, the calendars ripped back to twenty years ago.


Loved the last sentence of that.

And this one.

The sound of the scolding water soothed her shivers and trembles.


Beautiful.

And that is all. Thanks for the read.

~DG

Ps. I alsp thought your ending line was wonderful.
"Every writer I know has trouble writing." - Joseph Heller

~ A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.~
- Bill Cosby
  








First you broke my moustache, now you break my heart.
— MaybeAndrew