Young Writers Society

He was the new kid in school and had already made a name for himself: the first person in their class to date a girl, if nothing, at least the first ‘public’ relationship. She was intrigued from the beginning. Who was he? How the hell did he have the guts to ask someone out, get rejected and then be lucky enough to be asked out? He didn’t know it but he probably set a whole chain of relationships in motion.
She was a straight As student, but loved reading teen novels. She didn’t stand out in the crowd for anything except maybe an unexpected grade A in a subject where it wasn’t expected. Relationships, guys asking her out; they were not her thing yet. Sharing someone’s saliva didn’t thrill her. She assumed she was okay looking, but then she never spent that much amount of time on something she considered trivial.
The year passed. Her section got shuffled, he was in her section. She was wrong to assume it was going to be a normal school year.
He was outspoken and she liked to answer in class. The friendship triggered because they usually gave the same answers to the same questions. It was the beginning of the era of social networking, hence, with so many factors at work, it was but inevitable that they became friends.
Just a casual hey or a hi first which grew into long conversations, late into the night; all over facebook. She began to look forward to going online, and unconsciously hoping he was online. To her delight, she didn’t always initiate the conversation. She never thought or considered it to be more than friendship. Hell, she had a crush on some other guy! His relationship was on the rocks, and going down. But it was a tabooed subject in their conversations, due to the very reason that it was a hot topic of gossip among her friends. She didn’t want to be the source to any new rumor about her friend; neither did she want to lie to her other friends.
It was a wise decision, one of the few wise ones she made regarding him.
His relationship was a dynamic one, both the guy and the girl probably liked theatrics. They made sure (maybe unconsciously) that the whole school knew they were dating, and appropriately, that they had broken up. All she cared about was he was fun to talk to, hence pretty much ignored whatever crap was in the air about him.
Her friends began playing hero. Now with a broken relationship on his slate, they went with the general air that he was at fault and began cautioning her to stay away from him.
“You still talk to him?”
“Do you know what he did to poor sana?”
“Be careful!”
“Relax! I’m not going to date him. You know me! He’s fun to talk to.”
He gradually moved on...started seeing someone else from some other school, apart from mentioning it to her and her sometimes playfully teasing him, the relationship was hardly ever mentioned.
All around her people had best friends, friends they told everything too. She didn’t have any such exclusive friend. Once she got into a regular fight with her mother. She was a teen, it happened. But at that moment, she felt as if the world was on the verge of breakdown. All her friends complained, she never texted or picked up the phone immediately. That day she chose to not do so. Late at night, she replied to the texts and calls via texts, still pissed off. No one thought anything was amiss, he replied,
“What’s wrong?”
That was the push she needed. She went to the washroom, turned on the shower and bawled her eyes out.
“Nothing. It’s late. Gnite “
“If you say so, but you do know if there is something wrong you can always, without hesitating, call Sparshika, Mohak, Neha, Purvi, Vedika……still not feeling better then maybe call…a counselor.”
In spite of herself, she smiled.
“Yeah yeah...”
“;)”
Months later she would realize, that’s where she started falling for him.
---

She felt his eyes on her. She wished she could simply go and talk to him like normal. Of course she was over him; she never fell for him that hard. It’s just, she didn’t like the way he behaved, the way he talked, the way she had a thousand replies to his blunt sarcasm but somehow found herself tongue tied in front of him. She hated his guts, how could he simply yell his way out of work? He didn’t have any right to be rude to people actually working. Nor should he be offering criticism, when the only constructive thing he was doing…wait, he didn’t know the meaning of constructive.
Why did he have to do sweet things out of the blue? Was it intentional, or was it because he knew her well and knew, she didn’t give a shit about theatrics but with her, it was the small things that mattered the most? Why did he have to make the whole class halt while dictating an answer, simply because she hadn’t finished writing yet? Why did he have to give her a birthday countdown when her closest friends had forgotten? Why did he have to go and campaign for her elections when she was shy?
And why, after all that did he still not tell her he was already in a new relationship? He was already dating someone else. Why couldn’t he have waited for another few days? What was the point looking at her in class now? Did he think she’ll not notice? Did he think she‘ll not feel his eyes on her?
One things for sure, anger had replaced like in the equation now.

Hey saphira10,

First of all - I do like your writing. I think that this story overall needs a bit of revising because I noticed a few minor mistakes and sentences which didn't flow so well, so I think you need to read through it a few times and edit it a little. I do think your writing is quite good - but in my honest opinion, I didn't find this a very interesting story.

This is probably just because of my personal opinions on what I read, but to me this sounded a little too typical for something that a teenager might write. I like your writing style and I think that you write well, but at the same time I think that your writing could be put to a lot more use if you tried to write about something a little less predictable and with a little more story to it. Try writing about people of different ages, different genders and positions. Try different styles.

Overall, I didn't think this was too bad at all considering what it was. But in my opinion, I think you should focus on writing something that's not about teenage dating etcetera, although that's just my opinion. Feel free to ignore me!

Now that's out of the way, I'll point out a few minor nitpicks I have.

He was the new kid in school and had already made a name for himself: the first person in their class to date a girl, if nothing, at least the first ‘public’ relationship.

I'm a little confused about this sentence. Maybe I just misread it, but I'm not sure what the "if nothing" was about. Do you mean "if nothing else"? Whichever way, I'd change it to something along the lines of: He was the new kid in school and had already made a name for himself; he was the first person in their class to date a girl - the first person to have a "public" relationship, if nothing else. It doesn't have to be exactly like that, but I think you could make it sound a bit better.

“Do you know what he did to poor Sana?”

Months later she would realize, that’s where she started falling for him.

I'd change this a little. To something along the lines of: Months later she would realise that was when she started falling for him.

I don't think there are that many others. My suggestion is just to just re-read through it a few times since there are always at least some errors in any story a person writes.

I hope this helped and that you don't feel it's too harsh. Keep writing; I do like your writing style. I just think that it would be even better if you tried writing something else.

~MorningMist~

A classic look at every teenage girl's opinionated gaze on boys. We think too much, they think about nothing. We give details, they grunt. We think love, they think it's just casual. The idea worked well but it didn't flow as well as it could have. Try adding more descriptive details. I definetly think you have a worthy project here.

saphira10 -

Nice to meet you; we haven't met before. I thought I might just say hello and diddle-daddle some before I move on with the review, which was quite a good deal of fun to write out, because your story really did catch my attention. Before we move on, I just want to let you know that I did enjoy reading this. Now, here's where the 'but' comes in . . .

One of the most universal "rules," I suppose, in writing, is the show, not tell one. Look on any writing site: they will tell you it's one of the key components of writing a truly good story. In fact, I am quite sure there is even a thread or forum on YWS called Writing Tips and I will guarantee you that the show, not tell policy is listed and emphasized. Your short story, does a large amount of telling and not quite as large of an amount of showing (actually - you hardly show). It is hardly any fun to read and "explore" your story, when you just tell us everything about both of your characters in such a mundane, totally boring way. Excuse my harshness, m'dear, but it's quite true. "I'm an A student, I like to read, he's loud." Well, good for you. Except - that's boring, I don't care. Show me, darling. Add some details. It will catch and keep your reader's interest much more. That there is one of the main issues I had with this story upon my reading it.

Another little tidbit that bothered me was your voice and, by a stretch, perhaps even the point of view of your story. The voice of the narrator defines the story - yours here is okay, but not ba-bam, which is what you want. Read any book: the ones that are successful are the ones with a unique voice and a story that's presented in a new, fresh way. You don't want to have a totally mundane voice - and you don't, thankfully, but it could yet be improved to make it phenomenal. This goes back to the basic "show, not tell" policy I mentioned in the previous paragraph. Make your voice stand out - it'll make your reader more interested. Add some flair.

That's where point of view comes in within your story (or any story, quite honestly). I am sure you know about the different point of views, but what you need to know is the ramifications and bonuses (cons and pros) of each one. For instance, your choice of third person in this makes me cringe, a little - simply because if you took the girl's point of view, there would be so much more emotion and depth, I think. It's one of those stories I'd love to see in first person, if not just for a fun exercise for you as a writer.

One smaller nitpick I have is the whole "ew, I hate him, like, so much, OMG, but I totally love him too, y'know?" thing. It just, I do not know, makes me sort of mad. It's an over-used line in books and in life that just is a little too vague and naive and badly-clichéd. It's a really unintelligent thing to say and/or "be," in a way, I think (but this is my opinion, so don't fret if you do not agree with me). I feel like it's an inadequate way out of truly accepting how you feel about someone and/or something. Instead of pulling the hate/love thing, add a new twist. She's falling for him, but she doesn't believe in love, so she's mad and angry and confused; she's falling for him, but she feels inadequate compared to his other girlfriends, so she tries to get rid of her crush, etcetera. Add a little something new.

Thanks for giving me the pleasure to read this. Message me when you edit it, because I'd quite love to read a reviewed and edited version of this; it could only get better from here. I do hope this helped you.

- roach

Hey! Thank you for the suggestions, tips, blunt criticism, and whatnots. It was my first attempt and I'm going to try and keep everything in mind the next time. I really appreciate you all reading it.

morningmist:
(I love u! your my first ever review-er :p if that's a term.)
I'm not getting your confusion (as in your explanation of your confusion) but yeah, on re-reading the line, i understand where i was unable to get my message across. I'll take that into consideration next time.
Yes, " 'S'ana ". Grammar 101. :p
About the third one, I'm still confused, but yes I will read and re-read it.
Since it was my maiden attempt, i wanted to write about something i already knew about. Hence i wrote this. I'll tread on dangerous waters soon, (hopefully), just let me get comfortable on the beach now. :p
Thank you!

ladymarmalade- description: right on!

roach:
Yes, I'm new. So i pretty much don't know anyone out here. Your review caught my eye too. It's kind of hard to just ignore, not that I meant to ignore any of my first reviews. :p
I'm glad my story caught your eye. I liked your review.
About the details bit, I wasn't sure as to how much should i describe, how much I should not. I think in my excitement I left out the description all together. I did not want it turning out like some twilight story where pages after pages are dedicated describing edward's ''beauty''. I intended it to be short and sweet. Maybe make the reader smile a bit. Whats wrong with the amateur teen story now and then?

Flair- I agree. Here i'd like to bring in the amateur, new at writing, first story, excuse. :p
Girl/Boy's point of view: I'm going to look into it.
Your last point: exactly, its your opinion, and I don't have to agree. Cheers to that!

I'll certainly ensure you read the republished version of this story! Thank you so much for reading it and patiently tearing it down to bits.
Cheerio, Saphira10