Young Writers Society

I knew I would be late. But it was only when I actually did look at the clock that I realized with a sudden shock and I yelped, "Oh no! I'm really late!"

I was supposed to be at Nina's house in another 15 minutes and normally, it would take at least 25 minutes to reach there. Being late would mean that Nina's impression of me would go down. And I couldn't possibly let that happen. Ever.

I quickly slapped some hair gel on my hands and lathered it on my hair as I would butter on toast (but without a knife, of course). I took a look at myself in the mirror to make sure I seemed decent. And then another quick gander, this time to keep my posture in check. After a couple of more poses and last minute hair-waving, I finally decided to leave the house.

I wore my old blue jeans, nearly completely faded but only up to a point where people could still make out that the colour of blue still partially existed on the garment. These were my lucky jeans and they got me through a messy stint with a cake, an embarrassing brush with the law for under-age driving and now hopefully it would help in impressing Nina.

I wore my sneakers and tied the lace, all with such swift accuracy that by the time I realized that I was wearing two totally different pieces of sneaker footwear, I was already halfway to Nina's place. I just prayed to God hoping that Nina wouldn't notice. I got off at the bus-stop near Nina's house and then strode towards her front door. I was ready to make contact and re-affirmed whether my back was straight. I constantly checked to make sure my hair was wavy enough. Assuring myself of the optimum state at which I will be able to present myself to Nina, I rang the doorbell and waited to be greeted by the sweet scented air of Nina - my crush.

"Hey, Patrick!" She greeted me in her usual sweet and chirpy voice. She was wearing a brown dress. The type which was a frock and also a top at the same time. She looked quite pretty. "Hey, Nina," I calmly replied. "I hope I'm not too late." I quickly yet discreetly removed my shoes and hid them somewhere around the flower pots at the entrance to her house.

"No, not at all, 5 minutes isn't that late," she said. And I suddenly felt so grateful for her kind and gracious words.

She seemed really anxious for some reason. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. But whatever it was, I knew it was something big. Nina was in 'excited' mode now and she constantly stressed her forehead until those stress lines could be noticed. She also kept twirling her brownish burgundy streaked hair until she formed curls that rolled up her ears. These traits of hers made her all the more cute.

"Charleston is on his way right now," she excitedly proclaimed.

"Charleston? Sounds great." I was trying to hide my deep curiosity as to who could possibly possess such a name. I tried putting off various possibilities of Princes or English-accented young good-looking men. I kept my face as calm as I could, trying not to feel intimidated by that. I was secretly hoping that this 'Charleston' would be some small adorable kid, perhaps a distant cousin.

"Yea, he's so awesome. He's really handsome. He's got beautiful golden hair and he's really intelligent. You'd really love meeting him." Her voice now quirky as ever, but this time with a slight hint of increased pitch in her tone.

"Seems like a great guy. I'm looking forward to it," I said, with a seemingly confident voice. But with an even more menacing doubt in my head. This guy didn't sound like any cousin that she would be having over. Had it been that, she would have commented on how cute his face was or something like that. Nevertheless, I kept my hands firmly clasped to my jeans as we were sitting in her spacious hall.

"He'll be quite happy to see you. He's really friendly and gets along well with everyone. He's quite popular with the kids too." Her eyes beamed with such great admiration for that seemingly sparkling individual.

"I'm sure he is. So when is he going to be making his grand arrival?" I was not really as eager for his arrival as I sounded.

Nina responded to me with dark brown eyes twinkling as bright as her overjoyed mood while in wait of Charleston. "My sis is driving him here as we speak. Aw, I can't wait for him to come! I'm so in love with him, Patrick!"

I was completely and utterly darkened by this. I knew Nina since we were both 7. We were best friends. It was only until last year at her 17th Birthday that I actually realized that I was developing these feelings for her. And now, these feelings that I had harboured for her would mean nothing. All because of some new blond-haired guy with a fancy name.

Sure, she didn't know that I liked her and she always knew that she could confide in me over any matter. But this seemed all so sudden and I was caught unaware. I started to think well, maybe it was never meant to be. I didn't reply but instead gave slight nod.

I discreetly sighed to let go of my agony as much as I could and tried to avoid letting Nina notice my despair. Not that she would actually pay any attention to it, seeing as she was so fixated on that guy Charleston - that lucky jerk.
If he was so good as Nina said he was, why was her sister driving him? Couldn't he drive himself if he was so 'wonderful'? Not that I had a license either, but I failed my Drivers' Ed tests 2 times.

I thought that having high expectancies about this person would be quite advantageous for me. Since that way, when I would actually meet him and see him horribly fail through my high expectations, I could cherish the thought that he wouldn't turn out to be as perfect as my impression on him turned out to be. That slight victory, no matter how shallow could very well allow me to satisfyingly spend the rest of my life, even without Nina. However, the only way that could have made this whole affair much worse was if he managed to meet all of my high expectations.

We heard the arrival of a car outside the house and we both went to the door. Nina sprinting rather than actually walking. She noticed my shoes in the corner of the entrance and giggled at them. Out from the car came her older sister, wearing sunglasses and what I could only assume to be a frilly top and jeans. She had that same chirpy look on her face as Nina did.

"Dana! I missed you so much! I hope the drive was good," Nina exclaimed with joy. Both the sisters met and embraced.

"So where's Charleston?" Nina asked, obviously very intrigued as to his whereabouts.

"Oh, he's still in the car. Let me go and get him," Dana said, as she walked towards the car to open the car door for the highly anticipated and acclaimed guest. I kept my hands in a fist, eager to see the man that made my Nina go gaga over him for so long. I was determined to find out what this person looks like and whether he was even worthy of Nina's compassion.

As the car door opened, out came Charleston, matching every single piece of description that Nina had laid out for me earlier. He walked right to us and looked at us with the eyes of someone who had just seen their beloved people after many years. He seemed like everything that Nina had told me he would be. And looking at the end result of the anticipation, I was very happy.

As soon as he reached us, Nina gave Charleston a big hug and Charleston looked completely smothered by her thick brown fabric.

"Patrick, meet Charleston," Nina said, as she decided to introduce the two of us.

"Hello, Charleston! Nice to meet you." I delightfully reached out my hand to him.

"Woof!" He excitedly replied, as if in approval of a new friend.

"You guys will be great friends," Nina said, as she held my hand in hers.

"We definitely will." I smiled at the friendly Labrador as it rubbed itself against my legs in affection.

"Patrick, look. Charleston is getting all his fur on your jeans", Dana warned me, obviously concerned that he might spoil my jeans. Though she couldn't help but smile at the delight of Charleston as his face leaned against my soft faded jeans.

"That's quite alright, Dana," I said confidently. "These are my lucky pair. Seems like Charleston is quite fond of my luck"

Charleston wagged his tail in approval.

Hey, Murt! Creativity here!

This piece is adorable! I really didn't expect the ending, but as soon as I finished this, all of the details that I thought were inconsistencies in the story turned out to make perfect sense.

"Yea, he's so awesome. He's really handsome. He's got beautiful golden hair and he's really intelligent. You'd really love meeting him", her voice still chirpy, but this time with a slight hint of increased pitch in her tone.

When I first read this, I actually stopped reading and thought, "Come on! There is absolutely no way a girl would describe a guy to another guy (and obviously one who likes her) as having beautiful golden hair! There's just no way!" When I discovered that Charleston was, in fact, a dog, I laughed. You tricked me!

As much as I adored this, I do have a few issues with it, the main one being punctuation. I'll edit one paragraph of this to show you what I mean.

"No, not at all. 5 minutes isn't that late," she said. I suddenly felt so grateful for her kind and gracious words. She seemed really anxious for some reason; I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but whatever it was, I knew it was something big. Nina was in 'excited' mode now. She constantly stressed her forehead until those stress lines could be noticed, and she also kept twirling her brownish burgundy streaked hair until she formed curls that rolled up her ears. These traits of hers made her all the more cute.

It looks more clean this way, doesn't it?

The other thing I have issue with is your sentence structure. In my opinion, there's too many simple sentences in this. Mix up the types of sentences you use just a tad and your writing will become much more interesting.

Still, I absolutely adore this piece. I'm looking forward to reading what you come up with next, Murt! Always keep writing!

-Rose

Hahahaha your an awesome writer, i really really love this its funny. When i was in the middle i was thinking, oh how sad another i love her but she dosnt know story. And then when the sister said she would get him out of the car I thought it could be a disabled child or something and then in the last moment before you revealed him i knew it was going to be an animal. keep it up i loved it..

Not that I had a license either, but I failed my Drivers' Ed tests 2 times. *gasp* He should've worn his lucky pants! Okay, irrelevant....

This story is cute, but it's lacking the basic flow that it needs. Improving this will really help the story, sentence structure and grammar in particular. The idea is so freaking cute though. XD Really, I loved the twist. It really is just simple and adorable.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

"Oh no! I'm so late!", I yelped as I frantically rushed to put on my new low-ankle beige coloured socks. Trust me when I say, we don't care about what kind of socks he's putting on. As well, your first sentence shouldn't be such a mouthful I was supposed to be at Nina's house in another 15 minutes and, normally, it would take at least 25 minutes to reach there. Being late would mean that Nina's impression of me would go down. And I couldn't possibly let that happen. Ever. This seems a little extreme, which caused me to read it in a very loud, intense voice in my head.

I quickly slapped some hair gel on my hands and lathered it on my hair as I would butter on toast. Except not, seeing as you didn't use a knife, right? Unless he butters his toast with his hands, of course I took a look at myself in the mirror to make sure I seemed decent. And then another quick gander, this time to keep my posture in check. After a few more couple of poses and hair-waving, I finally decided to leave. He doesn't seem like he's in a huge rush anymore, even though earlier he was freaking out about it Nina loved the colour yellow and I wore a bright yellow t-shirt which read 'Mr. Bright!' on it. I don't like this sentence, it seems childish I was still contemplating whether I made the correct decision in buying that shirt since the shopkeeper told me that it was the last piece they had in yellow and I was desperate. Dang, this guy is trying way too hard, eh?

I wore my old blue jeans, nearly completely faded but only up to a point where we people "we people"? what exactly is that supposed to mean? I would change that, it sounds odd and almost ghetto-like could still make out that the colour of blue still partially existed on the garment. These were my lucky jeans and they got me trough typo a messy stint with a cake, an embarrassing brush with the law for under-age driving and now hopefully it would help in impressing Nina.

I wore my sneakers and tied the laces, all with such swift accuracy that by the time I realized that I was wearing two totally different pieces of sneaker footwear, I was already halfway there to Nina's place. I just prayed to God hoping that Nina wouldn't notice this. I got off at the bus-stop near Nina's house and then strode towards her front door, ready to make contact and re-affirming that my back was straight and my hair was wavy enough and my hand partly placed inside my pocket - showing that I was casual-looking but still quite stylish. Trying waaaaaay too hardAssuring myself of the optimum state at which I will be able to present myself to Nina, I rang the doorbell and waited to be greeted by the sweet scented air of Nina - my crush.

"Hey, Patrick!", she greeted me in her usual sweet and chirpy voice. She was wearing a brown coloured dress. The type which is a frock and also a top at the same time. She looked quite pretty. "Hey, Nina", the comma goes inside the quotation marks I calmly replied. "I hope I'm not too late",<-- I said as I quickly yet discreetly removed my shoes and hid them somewhere around the flower pots at the entrance to her house.

"No, not at all, 5 minutes isn't that late",<--- she said. And I suddenly felt so grateful for her kind and gracious words. She seemed really anxious for some reason. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. But whatever it was, I knew it was something big, seeing as Nina was in 'excited' mode now and she constantly stressed her forehead until those stress lines could be noticed and she also kept twirling her brownish burgundy streaked hair till she formed curls that rolled up her ears. Mate, that's one sentence, break it up a little These traits of hers made her all the more cute.

"Charleston is on his way right now",<--- she said, her voice as chirpy try to come up with something other than "chirpy". Using the same words can get old real fast, even if it's only twice as ever.

"Charleston? Sounds great",<--- I replied, trying to hide my deep curiosity as to who could possibly possess such a name. I tried putting off various possibilities of Princes or English-accented young good-looking men. I kept my face as calm as I could, trying not to feel intimidated by that. I was secretly hoping that this 'Charleston' would be some small adorable kid, perhaps a distant cousin.

"Yea, he's so awesome. He's really handsome. He's got beautiful golden hair and he's really intelligent. I don't think anyone describes a person like that You'd really love meeting him", her voice still chirpy, old REAL fast, right now I never want to see the word chirpy again, especially when describing someone's voice but this time with a slight hint of increased pitch in her tone.

"Seems like a great guy. I'm looking forward to it",<-- I said, with a seemingly confident voice, but with an even more menacing doubt in my head. This guy doesn't sound like any cousin that she'll be having over. Had it been that, she would have commented on how cute his face was or something like that. Nevertheless, I kept my hands firmly clasped to my jeans as we were sitting in her spacious hall.

"He'll be quite happy to see you. He's really friendly and gets along well with everyone. He's quite popular with the kids too(period)"

"I'm sure he is. So when is he going to be making his grand arrival?"

"My sis is driving him here as we speak. Aw, I can't wait for him to come! I'm so in love with him, Patrick!",(remove the comma, you don't need it) she proclaimed so excitedly. I was completely and utterly darkened by this. Sure, she didn't know that I liked her and she always knew that she could confide in me over any matter. But this seemed all so sudden and I was caught unawares(unaware?). I started to think well, maybe it was never meant to be. I didn't reply but instead I just gave a slight nod.

I discreetly sighed to let go of my agony as much as I could and tried to avoid letting Nina notice my despair. Not that she would actually pay any attention to it, seeing as she was so fixated on that guy Charleston - that lucky jerk. If he was so good as Nina said he was, why is her sister driving him? Can't he drive himself if he's so 'wonderful'? Not that I had a license either, but I failed my Drivers' Ed tests 2 times.

I thought that having high expectancies about this person would be quite advantageous for me since that way, when I would actually meet him and see him horribly fail through my high expectations, I could cherish the thought that he wouldn't turn out to be as perfect as my impression on him turned out to be. That slight victory, no matter how shallow could very well allow me to satisfyingly spend the rest of my life, even without Nina. However, the only way that could have made this whole affair much worse was if I were completely wrong in my assumptions.

We heard the arrival of a car outside the house and we both went to the door. Nina was more sprinting than actually walking. She noticed my shoes in the corner of the entrance and giggled at them. Out from the car came her older sister, wearing sunglasses and what I can assume to be a frilly top and jeans. She had that same chirpy look on her face as Nina did.

"Dana! I missed you so much! I hope the drive was good", Nina exclaimed with joy. Both the sisters met and embraced.I said a friendly "Hello" to Dana and she replied with a "Hello" back. I would take out that whole bit, it's unnecessary

"So where's Charleston?",(no need for a comma) Nina asked, obviously very intrigued as to his whereabouts.

"Oh, he's still in the car. Let me go and get him",<--- Dana said, as she walked towards the car to open the car-(don't use a hyphen, these are two different words)door for the highly anticipated and acclaimed guest. I kept my hands in a fist, eager to see the man that made my Nina go gaga over him for so long. I was determined to find out what this person looks like and whether he was even worthy of Nina's compassion.

As the car door opened, out came Charleston, matching every single piece of description that Nina had laid out for me earlier. He walked right to us and looked at us with the eyes of someone who had just seen their beloved people after many years. He seemed like everything that Nina had told me he would be, and looking at the end result of the anticipation, I was very happy. As soon as he reached us, Nina gave Charleston a big hug and Charleston looked completely smothered by her thick brown fabric.

"Patrick, meet Charleston",<--- Nina said, as she decided to introduce the two of us.

"Hello, Charleston! Nice to meet you.",<--- I delightfully said as I reached out my hand to him.

"Woof!",(no comma needed) came the anxious reply, as if in approval of a new friend.

"You guys will be great friends",<---- Nina said, as she held my hand in hers.

"We definitely will",<---- I said, as I smiled at the friendly Labrador as it rubbed itself against my legs in affection.

"Patrick, look. Charleston is getting all his fur on your jeans",<--- Dana warned me, obviously concerned for my hygiene. "concerned for my hygiene"? what an odd thing to say... and to say taht it's obvious? ODD. She smiled at the delight of Charleston as his face leaned against my soft faded jeans.

"That's quite alright, Dana",<---- I said confidently. "These are my lucky pair. Seems like Charleston is quite fond of my luck"

Charleston wagged his tail in approval.

This was a sweet story, but overall it was rather bland. The best thing this had going for it was the surprise about Charleston, I really didn't see that coming.

I'm really confused about how old these people are. I really have no clue.

My biggest problem with this was the word choice. At times, you pick things to say that seem so unrealistic and at time you use too many adjectives. These things disrupt the flow of your writing. As well, I feel like you make things too dramatic at times and it makes your story seem like one giant hyperbole. This makes the story daunting to read and it makes the main character seem childish. (I'm not sure how old he is, but he must be at least 16 if he's taken driver's ed)

One last thing - work on dialogue. Look up a website and learn how the commas in it work because you're using them all wrong at the moment.

Hope this helped! Ciao

Cute little thing, but kind of bland and formulaic. You start out in a way that you hoped to grab our attention--he's late to see a girl--but all importance to the reader is lacking because we have no attachment. And then it becomes further unimportant when he arrives at her house and it's just, "Oh, no big deal."

For us to care about a young male being late to meet a girl is if we had seen them make the appointment. If we got a chance to relate to his awkwardness and her sweetness and he promises her--promises her--that he'll be on time, then he gets held up for some reason and then--and then--you have to top it off with the lateness actually mattering to her or to the story.

However! That would then make 3/4 of the story about this disappointment. So unless it immediately segued into his feeling of inadequacy and her apparent judgment of him, this "Oh no, I'm late" should be removed completely. It contributes nothing and only cheapens the story because we look at it and see it like a tiny hat on a trained bear--it's just there for show.

So furthermore, the blandness is perpetuated by Nina's blandness. She's a girl who likes dogs. So what? What else? What does he see in her? Why should we care that they get together? You gave us the slightest hint when you talk about her "cute traits" but, taken alone, they're just kind of hollow and superficial.

And there's a decent bit of suspension of disbelief you're asking of us when she doesn't say Charleston's a dog. Like who really says all these things without saying it's a dog or why would she invite him over (I am assuming, to meet the dog) and never mention he's a dog? And I know I'm in the minority, but I figured right off the bat that he was a dog at the "My sis is driving him here" part because of how weird and vague and deliberate her dialogue felt.

Patrick slowly agonizing at the anticipation of meeting Charleston was nice. You do a lot of telling instead of showing, but what you tried to accomplish was appropriate. By telling instead of showing, I refer to words that are just abstract and don't carry any weight besides the definition itself. Like:

completely and utterly darkened by this

sighed to let go of my agony as much as I could and tried to avoid letting Nina notice my despair.

Her eyes beamed with such great admiration for that seemingly sparkling individual.

an even more menacing doubt in my head.

I thought that having high expectancies about this person would be quite advantageous for me.

What's wrong with these kinds of lines is that it's like you're just pretending to know what jealousy and disappointment feels like. Like you were given a sheet of paper and told to write down some ideas. But none of it actually feels like jealousy or disappointment. What you have used are just words that promote an idea, but you haven't given us the idea itself. It's like the difference between being told that "the Sistine Chapel is beautiful" and standing in it yourself. There's inspiration when you stand there. There's awe. There's feelings that well in you and can hardly be voiced. But there's no inspiration in saying "The Sistine Chapel is beautiful" and there's no inspiration in saying that someone was "completely and utterly darkened by this."

And agreed with confetti that you should brush up on your punctuation rules for dialogue.

On a completely separate note, hey, my sister-in-law is from Chennai, and I was there last summer for their wedding. Cool! It was very muggy and I got bitter about the weather and being full of wedding food all the time =\

That was so sweet! Don't we all have those moments? Where we jump the gun and think the absolute worst? I liked this because I am like this constantly in real life. I get my hopes up too high or bring them down too low, all the way to the floor. the only issue I had with it was you made Nina seem a little typical. Fit the exact stereotype of "The Girl Next Door". I wasn't sure if you were going with that or not but all in all fantastic job!