Young Writers Society

Angela Harris watched as people layed out beach towels, set up chairs and lathered up with sunblock preparring for another California summer. She could only reminece when she was able to do that herself, before that fateful car accident last spring. Summer had always been the season to look forward to. Bikini shopping, tanning and bonfires where always something to be excited for. Now all she could do was watch with a pang of envy. The air blew her blond curls softly across her face momentarily obscurring her vision.
"It took me a little while to pinpoint you amounst all these people, it's packed." Elliot commented. She turned her grey eyes up into his brown. Don't you mean you were sightseeing ? she teased. A boyish smile spread across his face. Sometimes it can't be helped. Speaking of which you have a new assignment. Oh? Recite if you would please. Drawing out a piece of folded paper from his back pocket he unfolded and began to read. Please Lord hear my prayer it's Emily. I need you now. I'm scared. It's Lori shes not herself since I lost my job. Shes not the daughter I used to know and I need your help in finding where the Lori I know disappered to. He refolded the message and put it back into his pocket. There was a moment of silence. Elliot? do you think this may be her rebellious stage or something more? He smirked. You'll just have to find that out for yourself won't you angel? "As usual." she replied. Where does miss Emily reside?

Hi, Magic! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.

I'm not sure what to think of this. You said that it's a prologue? If so, it actually doesn't do a bad job. I do have a few criticisms, the first of which is punctuation.

I've got to say, I'm not impressed with the punctuation in this at all. It was very difficult for me to understand when your characters were talking and when you were telling the story because there weren't enough quotation marks. Maybe the best way for me illustrate this is to edit the second paragraph.

Before I edit this, I want to touch on one more criticism I have of this piece: its structure. Two paragraphs is simply not enough space to express all of the information that you needed to. Breaking it down will make it much cleaner and easier to read; also, it will reveal any errors that you might not have seen before because they were lost in the depths of the paragraphs.

"It took me a little while to pinpoint you among all these people. It's packed." Elliot commented. She turned her grey eyes up into his brown.

" Don't you mean you were sightseeing?" she teased. A boyish smile spread across his face.

"Sometimes it can't be helped. Speaking of which, you have a new assignment."

"Oh? Recite if you would, please." Drawing out a piece of folded paper from his back pocket, he unfolded it and began to read.

"Please Lord, hear my prayer. It's Emily. I need you now. I'm scared. Lori's not herself since I lost my job; shes not the daughter I used to know and I need your help in finding where the Lori I know disappeared to."

He refolded the message and put it back into his pocket. There was a moment of silence.

"Elliot? do you think this may be her rebellious stage or something more?" He smirked.

"You'll just have to find that out for yourself, won't you, angel?"

"As usual." she replied. "Where does miss Emily reside?"

See how much cleaner and more interesting to read this is? Apply the concepts I used in this to your first paragraph, and this piece will be amazing.

Always keep writing!

-Rose