Young Writers Society

Okay, so I wrote this for a contest, looking forward to what you guys think

Lily Flower

From the moment I saw the body, I knew this was not a suicide. The thought was strange and irrational, I of course couldn’t provide any evidence to convince myself or everyone else who was standing around me. But I knew that every murder had to have a motive, and I could not think of any reasons at all why she could get killed. She was the average girl, not pretty but not ugly, nothing special. She wasn’t popular, and I never really spoke to her, but I still think that she was just better off alone, she liked it more that way. Nevertheless, when she was spoken to, she usually answered after a long pause, her big eyes studying you, picking out every detail. Maybe that’s why people rarely spoke to her. Her glare seemed to drill through you, look straight into you deep inside, and to be honest, it also gave me the goosebumps. Even now, I took one look at her face, but it made me nauseous, so I looked away. Her thin, long hair was scattered along her bloodless face. Her eyes still stared up, her mouth was slightly opened. She was lying there, with her arms spread across the blood-soaked ground, her leg was slightly bent backwards, and in one of her hands lay a lily flower, also stained with blood. I felt my arms shaking and my knees bending, but I could not move an inch. The thought still didn’t leave my mind: why? Why would anyone do this? What did she do to be murdered?
I started using the term ‘murder’, even if the policemen and the doctors kneeling over the body stated: «Typical suicide...yes...she fell from quite a height...» Only parts of their words reached my ears, my mind was full of my own thoughts. Only after looking at my watch I realised I had been standing there for a good half hour. Time seemed to almost pass me by. I stood frozen in place, thinking, staring. Finally, a policeman broke my concentration. He stood up, and whispered to his mate, quiet enough for him and for me to hear: «Is this some kind of sick joke? This is such a mess...» And as he said so, he pointed to the flower. I looked around to see the others taking pictures of evertything they saw, some were writing down their findings, another fat policeman was questioning the girls who have been standing next to me for the last ten minutes, both crying their eyes out. I didn’t even want to look at them, I felt a sudden feeling of strong hate towards them, how they could act so upset and shocked, when they were the ones making fun of her every schoolday. Soon, the doctors covered her with a sheet, and that’s when the policemen told me to step back. I quietly obeyed, realising that I am also speechless. I took one last glance at the victim, but her face stayed in my dreams for months on. My mind filled with questions once again: why?! What can possibly be the reason someone kill this girl? But then, I thought that maybe she did suicide after all... The suicide was the most rational explanation: she was depressed, dark, antisocial and a bit creepy, she was never loved, I have heard that she had problems with her parents. It was a battle between myself and I: my mind was giving me all the reasons why it was a suicide, whilst I felt ever so strongly that this was pure murder.
It was getting dark, the sun slowly rolled away from the mountain. The body was taken away, and there were only policemen discussing the matter. Suddenly, a snippet of their conversation struck my mind like a lightning bolt. «Lily Flora, aged sixteen, was found dead near the Edmus Bridge at seven thirty in the evening...». I didn’t need to hear the rest. Lily. That is her name. And then the flashback of the horrifying image reappeared before my eyes. The flower... she held a flower in her hand. I started breathing very quickly, my heart raced and my hands shook violently. Lily, the flower. «Yea, that is just plain creepy» the policeman replied, as if hearing my thoughts: «Do you guys think it’s a suicide?» «Well, we had to say that to the people, right? The last thing we want around these guys is panic...»
I sprung up to my feet, and only then the policemen noticed I was there. One of the men turned around and asked in a really low voice: «Did you hear anything we’ve said?!» I looked at him, quietly replied: «I heard all I needed» and rushed away, up the stairs, away from that nightmarish place, and whispering, over and over again: «Lily the flower... Flora... the flower...»

I really like this story. I'm reading each story as it's entered into my contest. It has good suspense at the end.

I, as a novelist am normally very picky on short stories. There are many things I want to nit-pick on other's short stories, so when I read this one my first thought was, this'll be like any other short story. But, then I read the first sentince, and you hooked me right in! However, I'm slightly confused on the connection between the main character and the murdered victim. Is the character a PI or a friend of her's? Now, later in the story I got the impression that the character was friends with the victim, but I'm not sure if that was what you were aiming for. So, for future reference (if you choose not to add this in this piece) describe a little more of the character telling the story. To be honest, I wasn't sure if this character was male or female. Other than that, you had wonderful pacing and description. I had a vivid image in my head of the murder victim, i also loved the cliff hanger you added, and the bit about the lily was beautiful! I believe this was a wonderful piece! Keep on writing!

Hey polinka!

Interesting story you have here.

The one thing I wanted to point out is you kept switching the tenses. Don't worry, it's something I used to do all the time until YWSers pointed it out to me. You started out with past tense switched to present in the middle and then changed to past again. Try to stick to one, ja?

And, I don't know the details of the contest, but it seemed to end abruptly; if that's what's intended then, fine.

Presuming that to be the case try to spend more time getting under the skin of your MC and then portraying her to us. Show us what she's like. Try to show more of her character, her emotions and her personality even if it has to be short. Your readers need to connect with the MC.

Good work anyhoo.

~L.