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Smile, honey - you'll get sunshine.



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Sat Nov 26, 2011 9:35 pm
Mikko says...



Smile, honey - you'll get sunshine



*edited*

Kelly was playing with her old Barbie dolls and teddies when it started raining. She hurriedly ran to the window, following the raindrops that were sliding down the living room window as though they were racing downwards.

She called to her father who was on his way from the kitchen to the room she was in, with his newspaper under his arm and a mug in each hand: a tea for himself and a hot chocolate for his daughter.

“Yes honey,” he answered as he stepped into the living room.
“Daddy, why does it rain?” Kelly asked, not looking at her dad but focusing on the falling raindrops.

Dave, with a slight grunt, sat down in his favourite arm-chair – the one with its back to the window, near the beige lampshade in the corner. “Why does it rain?” He repeated his daughter’s question, dropping the two mugs and the newspaper on the lampshade’s wooden stand.

“Uh huh.” Kelly went up to her father who was thinking of a way of explaining the water cycle as such that the little girl would understand; he decided to make up a theory, just like that of ‘Father Christmas’ or the ‘Tooth Fairy’.

He tapped his left leg, a gesture inviting the girl to take a seat where she had as habitude to take for the stories her daddy told her. “When it rains, does it mean that God taking a shower?” Kelly’s theory intrigued the man. He thought it was even better that his.

“Is that what it means? Hmm… so what about when it snows?” He asked her. His daughter shrugged.
“I don’t know. I think it’s when God is lying on the clouds and because God is sooo big (she stretched her arms out wide to show how ‘big’ God was), a little bit of cloud falls and that’s snow.”

“Really?” Dave said, with a raised eyebrow – impressed by Kelly’s ability to reason in such a way.
“Uh huh.”
“Honey, don’t say ‘uh huh’ it’s not very polite. Say ‘yes’. So what is the sunshine?”
“That’s easy: sunshine is when God is happy.” And she traced a large semi-circle on her father’s face, resembling a huge Cheshire cat’s grin.
“That’s very true!” He smiled for real and took a sip of his tea. “Yours is still hot.” He said, referring to Kelly’s hot chocolate because he knew how she liked it.

It was still raining heavily outside. The Barbie dolls and teddies remained on the floor, suddenly illuminated by the flash in the sky. It made Kelly clasp her hands to her ears because she knew what was coming next.

“Uh oh.” Dave also knew what was coming and he knew that his daughter didn’t like it. And it came – the thunder.
“It’s alright honey.”
“Daddy, what’s the lightning and thunder?” She asked.
This time he didn’t have to think so much. In fact, his theory came out automatically after what he had heard his daughter say.

“Lightning is when God sees your pretty faces and He takes a picture – the flash of His camera is the lighting. But… God’s camera is really, really old so it just breaks down and that’s the thunder.”
“Oh. God’s camera breaks down a lot, then. Someone should get Him a new one because I don’t like it when it breaks down.”

Dave laughed, passing his daughter her mug. They knocked their mugs together and both took a sip – Kelly holding hers with both hands and her face half disappearing into the mug.

“Daddy?”
“Yes honey?”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?” Dave’s tea almost went down the wrong way and some spilled onto his shirt. He decided to make up a theory just like that of ‘Father Christmas’, the ‘Tooth Fairy’… and the weather. Or he could just avoid the subject, but that wouldn't be fair on the girl.

“Babies come from little seeds God plants in the mummy's tummy.”

"So I came from a seed?"

"Yes, honey. And when you were born, God took a picture of you."

Spoiler! :
The idea for this came suddenly and I wanted it to be very innocent, childish and sweet. <3
Last edited by Mikko on Mon Nov 28, 2011 4:22 pm, edited 3 times in total.
when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my daydreams
  





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Sat Nov 26, 2011 11:23 pm
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JasperSkye says...



This story made me cry...In a good way, of course. You see, my father left when I was very young, so I never really got to know him so reading this story, I tried to picture me as Kelly and my father as Dave, which brought waterfalls of tears pouring from my eyes. I personally just love this story. It was so sweet and innocent, like all father-daughter bonds should be. You did such a great job at capturing that in this story, in my opinion. Seriously, keep up the GREAT work.

Review my story? It's called...Trouble, My Favorite.
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Sun Nov 27, 2011 3:38 am
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SmylinG says...



Mikko/Marco/Twin brother/sister :mrgreen:

I caught this in my feed and figured I'd swing by to lend a quick review. Though I'm not sure how much more constructive I can get, as this obviously reigns simple and doesn't need much tweaking in and of itself, I did however, find myself getting a little nitpicky in some places.

I want to talk a little bit about your ending. I enjoyed the turn. The overall tone of your story had its moments where it seemed to lack originality in the aspect of how children perceive the world through their naivety. But I did like how you suddenly halted the story from nowhere into the daughter asking her father where babies come from. The question itself could be a little less cliche, but you took such a detour route in getting there. Perhaps that counts for something.

I didn't so much care for the abrupt ending. And you even contradict yourself in here as I read back through it.

He decided to make up a theory just like that of ‘Father Christmas’, the ‘Tooth Fairy’… and the weather. To avoid the subject, or even having to think up a theory he simply said:

“So smile, honey – you’ll get sunshine.”


The area you contradicted was when the narration mentions, and I quote: "He decided to make up a theory". The very next sentence you're saying that to avoid having to think up a theory, he says something else. Which means he never said a theory at all. Which makes this first line prior to it a bit pointless. Tweak either one so that there isn't this contradiction involved in the reader's eyes.

What the father says seems irrelevant to the question his daughter has just asked. I understand that they were talking about the weather, but it has absolutely nothing to do with the last thing the little girl said. She'll get sunshine? I want to think by context that he is simply ignoring her altogether and focusing on the weather. But why would he pretend like he never heard her question? If I were the child, I'd be like, "You didn't answer my question, dad! Who's talking about the weather anymore?" I think you could think of a much better line. Perhaps a much better, less abrupt, ending altogether.

Other than this, I will say --again-- that this seemed to lack originality in the aspect of how children perceive the world. It might be nice to see you shine a light on child naivety in a much different way. Perhaps making the little girl indifferent about the occurrence of nature and its odd ways could be something new. But I'd hate to ask you to change something you've already made complete the way it is.

Anyway, sorry for the short review! Nice work, though. And as always I'll be looking around for new works of yours in the future for review digestion. xD

-Smylin'
Paul is my little, evil, yellow bundle of joy.
  





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Sun Nov 27, 2011 11:09 am
Mikko says...



Thanks guys! I've changed the ending a little.
when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my daydreams
  





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Sun Nov 27, 2011 6:15 pm
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LadySpark says...



Smile wrote:Mikko/Marco/Twin brother/sister

Well...


Anyway, Marco this was a very nice story. I could really see you in the character, and I could also see the child like innocence that you protrayed SO well. I'm very proud of you for this. It's really nice. :)
I love the ending. It made me giggle. And I love the thunder/lightning story. I was always told that the angels were bowling or God was moving furniture (Thunder) and lightning... I think I was told that God was taking pictures. I'm not sure. Anyway, it' twas adorable. Nice job.
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these tornadoes are for you


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Mon Nov 28, 2011 6:19 pm
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murtuza says...



Mikko!

This story is sweetness personified! The curious little girl asking all her questions and the father deciphering a way to answer them in the most accurate yet understandable way, but instead making up ridiculously funny and imaginative theories. All this just brightens up my mood and I'm reminded when I used to speak just like that little girl.

You're a brilliant story-teller, Mikko! So you better keep the ink flowing :D

Murtuza
:)
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It's about being heard.
  





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Tue Nov 29, 2011 6:58 pm
autumnleaves17 says...



This is really good, very sweet and captures your attention right away. I love the innocence- the imaginative reasoning of a little girl and the conversation between her and her father is just lovely :)

Um, just one thing...

"Yours is still hot."


I think someone corrected this earlier, but actually I think it's correct to say yours instead of your's. My pet hate is misuse of apostrophes, so I'm sorry if I'm mistaken!

Overall, really nice work ! :D
  





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Wed Nov 30, 2011 3:08 am
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Echo090 says...



First of all, with the story changed, I think the title has became less effective. But other than that, I'm impressed. Your writing style, though simple, was good enough. And the story was just so relaxing. The ambiance of innocence and childishness giggled me. I love the questions and the theories that makes up. What troubled me about the story was the ending. I have to admit that I laughed at the last question. But frankly, I hated the question... so usual. And the way you ended it:
"Yes, honey. And when you were born, God took a picture of you."
So when the girl was born, was there lightning and thunder? I think that was a bit ineffective like how the others came up good.
Generally, the story's good. Another ending would be better and I prefer for you to pick another title. Good luck and keep on writing.
  





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Wed Nov 30, 2011 1:43 pm
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Kagi says...



Mikko

This is quite simply one of the best things I've ever read. Beautiful, simple and unique.

Two things though - the title? Don't get it.

And the end part. God took a picture of her when she was born - what does that mean? I don't understand.

Otherwise, absolutely moving piece. :)
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Fri Dec 02, 2011 10:07 am
dhanshucool says...



Hey!
Its really a cute and innocent conversation :) I loved it.
I did not understand the last sentence. Except that it was a really great work..
Keep writing :)
-Dan
  





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Sat Dec 03, 2011 7:05 pm
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xxAL1C1ABR0xx says...



This is really cool. It reminds me of the innocence I use to have as a child. It brings back a lot of memories. Some good, and some bad. I love how you can kind of catch that the daughter and Father are close. Keep it up(:
  








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