Young Writers Society

It was too dark. I was imprisoned here for months, tied up with a rope. I had no idea about who has done this to me. One day when I opened my eyes I was like this. I did not know exactly where I am. The place was very little for a person to live here. Hardly I could turn around to lay down when I feel numb. It's been months since I walked. It seemed to be a new world for me where I could see some blood around me. I tried to come out of this place many times but my mission failed.

Most of the time I would be sleeping since there was no entertainment. Sometimes I felt irritated of being like this. At that time I start kicking the walls around me and cry so that someone would show sympathy and let me free. But, no one did it.

'May be my life ends here,' I thought.

Of course, I would say, being idle for a very long time without doing anything is the toughest job in the world.

'I can't tolerate this anymore. I need freedom.'

I started banging the walls with all my strength continuously. And obviously I felt very tired, so I took break in between and then I continued hitting again. Suddenly a hand came and pulled my head. I could here some one shouting outside very badly.

'They must be torturing people until they are dead, heartless people. They might be cannibals. Now it must be my turn,' I thought.

The hand pulled me hardly and put me out. They did cut the rope. I closed my eyes tightly in fear and my heart beat increased. Someone patted me and I opened my eyes in shock. Five creatures were standing around me speaking something. I did not understand what language they are speaking.

'Are they Aliens?' I cried aloud thinking that they are going to kill me.

They looked very happy on seeing me crying. I was nude and my body is full of blood. One of the creatures came closer to me, took me in hand and told, 'It's a baby boy.'

I loved the story - it was so surprising! You need lots of work on keeping those tenses straight, though. They were really mixed up. I just copied the whole story in here and lifted out some itchy problems. If you get those right, this would make a great story! (Sorry in advance if I am harsh with the criticism - I try to be thorough in my reviews.)

dhanshucool wrote:It was too dark. (Try replacing "too" with "so".) I was (Replace the "was" with "had been" for the correct tense.) imprisoned here for months, tied up with a (You don't need that "a". Just remove it.) rope. I had no idea about (Try removing the "about".) who has (Keep your tense constant. You are in the past tense. Replace "has" with "had".)done this to me. One day when I opened my eyes I was like this. I did not know exactly where I am. (Yet again, you tripped over the tense rope. Replace "am" with "was".) The place was very little (A better choice would be "small".) for a person to live here. Hardly I could turn around to lay down when I feel numb. (That sentence simply doesn't make sense. It might read something like "I could hardly turn over. I felt numb from lying down all the time.) It's been (Tense! "It had been" would correct the tense.) months since I walked. It seemed to be a new world for me where I could see some blood around me. (This doesn't make sense. The narrator can't see anyway, because it is so dark. Revise the sentence structure, too.) I tried to come out of this place many times but my mission failed. ("I had tried to escape many times, but every time my mission had failed." would be my suggestion for that sentence, correcting the grammar and tense.)

Most of the time I would be sleeping (Our little friend, tense, has knocked on your door. Replace "would be sleeping" with "slept".) since there was no entertainment. Sometimes I felt irritated of (Incorrect grammar. Just put in a comma for best effect, or replace it with "by".) being like this. At that time I start ("Then I would start" would be a better choice.) kicking the walls around me and cry so that someone would show sympathy and let me free. But, no one did it. (Try "But no one did." or "No one did, though.")

'May be my life ends here,' I thought.

Of course, I would say, (You are using indirect speech there, so a remove the last comma and insert a "that" in its place. You may also want to remove the "of course".) being idle for a very long time without doing anything (You can't be idle while doing something, so remove one of them to unclutter the sentence.)is the toughest job in the world.

'I can't tolerate this anymore. I need freedom.'

I started banging the walls with all my strength continuously. And obviously I felt very tired, so I took break in between and then I continued hitting again. Suddenly a hand came and pulled my head. I could here ("hear".) some one shouting outside very badly (loudly, perhaps?).

'They must be torturing people until they are dead (Replace with "and killing them".), heartless people. They might be cannibals. Now it must be my turn,' I thought.

The hand pulled me hardly ("harder" would work better.) and put ("pulled", maybe?) me out. They did (Just remove the did to smooth out the bumps.)cut the rope. I closed my eyes tightly in fear and my heart beat increased. Someone patted me and I opened my eyes in shock. Five creatures were standing around me speaking something. I did not understand what language they are speaking. ("saying something. I did not recognise their language." would work better.)

'Are they Aliens?' ("you aliens?" would be more natural.) I cried aloud (insert comma here) thinking that they are going to ("were going to" for correct tense.) kill me.

They looked very happy on seeing me crying. I was nude and my body is "was". Tense. full of blood. One of the creatures came closer to me, took me in (Insert an "its" here.) hand and told (Replace with "said".), 'It's a baby boy.'

Great stuff, dhanshucool! Of course, all my notes are just suggestions, so feel free to ignore them.

Hi!

Sorry for being super scarily late. I was just a little too busy. But yes, here I am to review this.
barefootrunner's given a pretty wonderful review, and instead of parroting, I'll give a few of my other comments.

It was too dark. I was imprisoned here for months, tied up with a rope.<-- Tied with a rope is good, but once you *know* what the story is going to end as, tied seems like the wrong verb. It's only in extreme cases where the baby gets caught in the umbilical cord. I had no idea about who has done this to me. One day when I opened my eyes I was like this. I did not know exactly where I am. The place was very little for a person to live here. Hardly I could turn around to lay down when I feel numb. It's been months since I walked.<-- This is logically incorrect, this sentence. It implies that it was able to walk before. How can it know what walking is? It seemed to be a new world for me where I could see some blood around me. I tried to come out of this place many times but my mission failed.

and cry so that someone would show sympathy and let me free.

Good point here.

My main point is, you are limited here by the first person voice. A third person, close to the baby would be more suited. Especially since the baby understands the adults' talk later on.

Cheerios.
~L

Whoa!

I loved the twist there at the end ... it literally made me jump for a moment! The way you wrote it, you'd never have guessed from whose point of view it was until the end - but when you go back and re-read it, it all seems to make perfect sense.

Having said that, I do think this needs quite a bit of work. The writing was fairly good but for some reason some of it seems to jar a little bit or read a little awkwardly. The solution is all in editing ... I'll show you some of the things I think could be improved. I hope that I'm not writing too many of the same things that the other reviewers have already suggested - it's easier just to point out any things I think you could improve as I read through it.

It was too dark. I was (I'd change this to "I had been") imprisoned here (I think it would read better without the "here" here - I had been imprisoned for months.) for months, tied up with a rope. I had no idea about who had done this to me. One day when I opened my eyes I was like this. I did not know exactly where I am (this should be "was"). The place was very little for a person to live here. (This sentence doesn't really work. Change it to something like: There was very little space here for a person to live in.) Hardly I could turn around to lay down when I feel numb.(This sentence would sound better rearranged: I could hardly turn around to lie down when I felt numb.) It's been months since I walked. It seemed to be a new world for me where I could see some blood around me. I tried to come out of this place many times but my mission failed.

Most of the time I would be sleeping since there was no entertainment. Sometimes I felt irritated of being like this. At that time I wouldstart kicking the walls around me and cry so that someone would show sympathy and let me free. But, no one did it. (I'd change this slightly: "But no one ever did."

'May be (make the "may be" one whole word: maybe) my life ends here,' I thought.

Of course, I would say, being idle for a very long time without doing anything is the toughest job in the world.

'I can't tolerate this anymore. I need freedom.'

I started banging the walls with all my strength continuously. And obviously I felt very tired, so I took break in between and then I continued hitting (try the verb "pounding" here instead) again. Suddenly a hand came and pulled my head. I could here (this should be "hear") some one shouting outside very badly (I don't think the "very badly" is needed here.).

'They must be torturing people until they are dead, heartless people. They might be cannibals. Now it must be my turn,' I thought.

The hand pulled me hardly and put me out. They did cut the rope. (These two sentences need a little work. For instance: The hand pulled me out with a hard tug. Then they cut the rope.) I closed my eyes tightly in fear and my heart beat increased. Someone patted me and I opened my eyes in shock. Five creatures were standing around me speaking something (change this to: speaking to each other.). I did not understand what language they are speaking.

'Are they Aliens?' I cried aloud thinking that they are going to kill me.

They looked very happy on seeing me crying. I was nude and my body is full of blood. (It makes more sense to put "was covered with blood" here.) One of the creatures came closer to me, took me in hand and told (told isn't really the right verb. Try "exclaimed" or even just "said". If you must use told, change it to "told the others"., 'It's a baby boy.'

(Sorry about all the red - it makes my view on this seem so negative! Don't worry; it's really not.)

Overall, I like the principle of the story, but in my opinion the writing needs work. Try just going over with it and tweaking the words to make the story flow better. I hope this was of help.

~MorningMist~