Young Writers Society

Just in case.

It’s snowing but I can see the sun. It’s sunny, but I’m freezing.
I have to get home before the sun goes down. It doesn’t look like it will. It’s still glowing in the middle of the sky. I think it’s being quite useless today –I feel no heat at all.
I trudge on, backpack clinging heavily to my shoulders, hands stuffed in my pockets. My feet barely come off the sidewalk as I walk; I’m leaving long trails behind in the snow so someone will be able to find me, just in case something happens.
Just in case.
Something glistens out of the corner of my eye and I stop immediately.
Shiny.
I look over off onto the snow-coated field. It looks like something delicious, really –like a fluffy blanket of cotton candy or maybe whipped cream.
I can’t see anything so I move to the side a little.
Shiny.
It blinds me. I cringe and put a hand over my eyes.
A moment later, I’m wading through the snow toward the shiny. My jeans provide protection from the snow for only a second. Soon, my thighs and calves are numb, my jeans soaked.
I slow down as I move closer to the shiny. I have to be sure I don’t accidentally plow on right through it. My shadow falls over it and I see that it’s a silver key.
A key and only that.
It lies lightly on the snow like someone had laid it there as gently as possible. But there are no marks around it –not a single disturbance in the snow. In fact, the only disturbance in the smooth snow are my own foot trails.
I look up at the sky. It’s cloudless and deep blue. Not a bird in sight, not even a crow. I squint to see the bare treetops of the woods nearby. The birds are as scarce as the leaves.
Now I look back to the key.
Even if it had been dropped from the sky, it would have sunk into the snow.
Suddenly the hairs on the back of my neck begin to prickle and despite the cold, I start to sweat. There has to be something underneath that key to keep it resting just above the snow. Bizarre theories and possibilities flash by behind my eyes. A particular image stays.
There’s a dead man lying under the snow. The key is attached to a string around his neck. His skin is white and blue. His eyes are close, but if I reach down and take his key (where or what does it go to? A safe? His house?), they will snap open and he will grab me.
I stagger back at the thought and in my haste, I trip, landing in the snow. It gets in my coat and freezes my rear, but I hop up immediately and stumble back toward the sidewalk. I’m halfway there when I hear a loud crunch of snow behind me. The sound does not belong to my movements.
(What could it possibly be?)
I start to look back with terror, but then I lose concentration and the field disappears.
I blink and find myself back where I started, standing on the sidewalk next to a smooth, empty white field of snow.
My socks are starting to get wet from the snow that is leaking into my boots but otherwise, I’m completely dry.
I sigh and look up to the sky. The sun beats down without warmth as it starts to set. Flakes of snow are starting to spiral toward the ground, and I have to be home soon, so I start shuffling forward again. I barely lift my feet off the ground as I go; I want to leave a trail behind so someone will find me, just in case something happens.

That was really good. Nice mystery and you're really leaving me wondering about that key. I also wonder why your narrator is so paranoid. Some of the plot would make a good novel or longer story, but this is one of those stories where I would say leave it just how it is. There are a lot of questions but I think they make the story better. I am one of those people who like open-ended stories. I saw a few grammatical mistakes but I'll let someone else pick them out. Nothing major or that interrupted the flow of the story. Nice job!!

Suddenly the hairs on the back of my neck began to prickle

I think it should be the hairs on the back of my neck begin to prickle since the whole story is in the present tense. And now back to the review. Again, it caught my attention and I couldn't stop reading till the last word. The suspense you created there was making me want to read the last lines first, just to know the secret behind the key being there. And the title definitely suits the story. What I get about the character is that she (I think it's a girl) is a very cautious and careful person. Always afraid of the consequences of doing something. She may be the kind of person who thinks perhaps ten times before doing something. And I like that about her. Overall, if you enter more contests (I don't know if you already have) then you surely have a good chance to win.

Hey TheScratchMan!

I've read your work before, but I've never given you a review... So, here we go!

I love the mystery in this. It's all like, 'Ahh! What's going to be behind him?' and then he's back to where he was before he saw the Shiney. I was like :O Then I started thinking about what the key could represent, and I came up with 'the key to his sanity' because what went on wasn't exactly normal. Yeah, I seem to read too much into stories sometimes.

You had great description in the piece and I felt that it flowed nicely. I didn't have to stop to re-read anything, so that was great too. It meant I could get on and read the piece, even if I am left feeling a little confused about the ending still.

For a thirteen year old, you write brilliantly. I mean, at thirteen, I wasn't half as good as this.

hands stuffed in my pocket

'pocket' should be 'pockets'. Otherwise I imagine him shoving both hands into one pocket and it looks a bit odd.

I think it was great how the panic suddenly built when he was trying to figure out how the key was resting atop the snow. His panic shot from calm and curious to hysteric in an instant. It shows us something about the character. Like the way that he was leaving tracks, 'just in case.' It was like he'd been expecting a dead man to pop out of the snow and grab him. It makes me think the MC's very paranoid and that something's not quite right with him. That would explain the way he acts when he finds the key, anyway.

Okay, so there's my two pence. I'll have to make sure to try and review your work again sometime.

Thanks for the read!

xDudettex

Hey TheScratchMan,

I love this! I think that the previous reviewers pointed out the only small errors that were there, so I really can't find anything wrong with it at all now. I just wanted to let you know that I read this and I really liked it. I loved the mystery of it, the descriptions - they were straight to the point but still made me feel as if I was right there with the character. The key was intriguing all the way through and I really liked the image of the man buried underneath the snow.

The ending was amazing, too. It left me with a really good feeling about reading this story - it leaves questions to be asked and answered by the reader in their own mind, but still left me with a kind of contentment which only comes from a good story ending.

I can't really think of anything to suggest - other than to keep writing!

~MorningMist~