Young Writers Society

Hey guys! This is a fun skit I conjured up some time ago and wanted see how all of you reacted to it. I'd love your honest opinion and critique, so feel free to speak you mind. Thanks!

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I hate elevators. When I hitch a ride, a feeling creeps around me, like, everything’s closing in. Eh, singing helps and I do love how my vocals bounces off the walls—“It goes on and on and on and on! Strangers…waiting… up and down the boulevard!”

Gosh, I love that song. I have no mortal thought of why my neighbors get so cranky because I decide to flex the golden pipes on my way down hall. Despicable! I have my rights! Hanging off a chain in my pocket, my keys clinked and rattled against my jeans as I approached my door and rushed into the quiet of my apartment.

Home, sweet home---a living-room, bedroom and kitchen all in one neat space. Just the way I like it. After a quick change, I grabbed a cup of hot chocolate and collapsed back into my recliner, blowing a gust of wind as I plopped. It’s my way of throwing all the days stresses off. Taking in strong breaths, the rich aroma of sugary heat warmed my nostrils as I slid my lips to the brim of my favorite fat-mug. My taste-buds swam in the sweet cream, thick with smooth vanilla. While kicking back and marinating on cocoa, I gazed through the huge windows covering my wall.

Crisp, starlit nights like tonight always brought a peaceful vibe over New York City, especially once the moon would rise. In my couple years of living here, I’ve become immune to the distant drone of traffic below—kinda’ lulls me, so to speak. Oh, and never gulp hot chocolate still bubbling from the boil. With a yelp, I limped to the bathroom, flinching at every stinging prick the rough fabric of my sweats caused my tender thigh. How am I supposed to run in tomorrow’s track meet if I can’t even walk across the room!

I didn't feel like there was a point, per se, to this. But I did like it. Your character has an almost over-the-top happy-go-lucky attitude, and it'll probably rub some people the wrong way but I've personally always found it infectious. Are you going to turn this into something, a longer story or novel maybe? I'd be curious to see how it all develops, but right now I feel like it's just a little window into this character's personality and lifestyle.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

I really love this! They way you used sensory details was like an art. The whole story is so beautifully simple which can be hard to pull off! The last part had to be my favorite. There is something about the word 'crisp' that I just love. Not sure why haha. But anyway superb job! I would love to read more of your work

I didn't feel like there was a point, per se, to this. But I did like it. Your character has an almost over-the-top happy-go-lucky attitude, and it'll probably rub some people the wrong way but I've personally always found it infectious. Are you going to turn this into something, a longer story or novel maybe? I'd be curious to see how it all develops, but right now I feel like it's just a little window into this character's personality and lifestyle.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

It’s definitely a window like your say. Eddie’s one who entices me enough to where I can ramble him on a piece of page like pouring water, so there will probably be more of his story coming. =)

Thanks! I appreciate your feedback.

I really love this! They way you used sensory details was like an art. The whole story is so beautifully simple which can be hard to pull off! The last part had to be my favorite. There is something about the word 'crisp' that I just love. Not sure why haha. But anyway superb job! I would love to read more of your work

Ahaha! D’aw =) I really appreciate that, it means a lot. Thank you so much!

Aloha

I haven't reviewed in a while, so do please bear with me. I'll be reviewing it in chunks and then later I'll expand on my points.

I hate elevators. When I hitch a ride, a feeling creeps around me, like, everything’s closing in. Eh, singing helps and I do love how my vocals bounces off the walls—“It goes on and on and on and on! Strangers…waiting… up and down the boulevard!”

I like the way it starts, it introduces us the character in a way, makes us understand his or her fears. But then you flip the switch and we're talking about a song, I dunno --it feels quite strange. Maybe that's also part of the characters personality.

Gosh, I love that song. I have no mortal thought of why my neighbors get so cranky because I decide to flex the golden pipes on my way down hall. This line reads a bit awkwardly, especially the bit about mortal thought. Maybe it's just me being unnecessarily picky. Also instead of, well 'of' I think you should have 'as to' because otherwise it's grammatically incorrect. Despicable! I have my rights! Hanging off a chain in my pocket, my keys clinked and rattled against my jeans as I approached my door and rushed into the quiet of my apartment.

Home, sweet home---a living-room, bedroom and kitchen all in one neat space. Just the way I like it. After a quick change, I grabbed a cup of hot chocolate and collapsed back into my recliner, blowing a gust of wind as I plopped. It’s my way of throwing all the days stresses off. Taking in strong breaths, the rich aroma of sugary heat warmed my nostrils as I slid my lips to the brim of my favorite fat-mug. My taste-buds swam in the sweet cream, thick with smooth vanilla. While kicking back and marinating on cocoa, I gazed through the huge windows covering my wall.

I think this is my favourite paragraph but then again it's very different from the character that I feel has been introduced to us thus far. He doesn't seem like someone who would like clean orderly spaces, or sitting in a recliner, I kind of imagined him on a space hopper with a messy room. Again, it's probably me being fussy xD

Crisp, starlit nights like tonight always brought a peaceful vibe over New York City, especially once the moon would rise. In my couple years of living here[reads the tiniest bit awkwardly, I’ve become immune to the distant drone of traffic below—kinda’ lulls me, so to speak. Oh, and never gulp hot chocolate still bubbling from the boil. With a yelp, I limped to the bathroom, flinching at every stinging prick the rough fabric of my sweats caused my tender thigh. How am I supposed to run in tomorrow’s track meet if I can’t even walk across the room!

O_O I just noticed that in the previous paragraph you changed tenses, I'm not sure if that was intentional or not-- but if it was, there should be some sort of signal for the reader that there has been a tense change otherwise it's jarring and looks awkward. I liked the way you wrote in this paragraph also.

I think you've barely even started to establish this character and throughout the piece we only get glimpses, little openings into his life. It would be brilliant if you could make him a bit more three-dimensional.

-Anger.

Hello there, just returning the favor or the review on my piece, The Baldwin on Lexington Road. Anyway...
This was really cute and it made me laugh. Which is really good considering I have been doing nothing but math problems and college essays all evening. I didn't see the point to the whole thing, but if you're considering expanding it, I'm sure it will contribute effectively to the point you have in mind. There were a few awkward sentences but I think someone already pointed them out. All in all, awesome piece! I hope you expand it because I really like this character so far

~Jess