Young Writers Society

Ever since I was eight years old, I’ve always been afraid of those creatures. The ones that stare you in the eyes and don’t blink. It’s frightening, creepy.
My mother complains to me about how I am being stupid, I shouldn’t be afraid of such a thing. I know she’s right. I am stupid. For having this pathetic fear. There is no reason to be afraid, I’m 15 years old. A 15 year old girl being afraid of, what? A snake? A spider? No, nothing like that, they are normal, common phobias. My phobia is why crazier, way lamer than any other fears.

My dad passed away when I was young. I never knew what it was like to have a dad, who loved you and messed around with you. I guess I’ve had some experience, with my mum bringing home a load of guys from the pub she goes to almost every single night. But I never bother interacting with them. If I try to they always end up asking how old I am and if I have a boyfriend, which I don’t. That’s another stupid thing I’m scared of, having a boyfriend. I don’t know why it is, mum seems to think it’s because I like… girls. But I don’t! No way I don’t.
I guess the reason is just, well, I’m worried he’ll ditch me, or something bad will happen to him, like my dad. I don’t want to lose another guy for nothing.

Anyway, enough of that. You’re probably wondering what I am going on about, you know, my phobias, and how I am stupid. Well, my phobia isn’t getting a boyfriend, or mum marrying again, or spiders or snakes. It’s dogs.
When I was eight years old, my neighbour had a dog. I big young, a Labrador even. You would think a cute golden Labrador wouldn’t hurt anyone, not a sole. But then you’d be wrong.
The Labrador was called Archie, cute he was. I wouldn’t go near him though, mum didn’t want dog fur all over the brand new sofa. But one day I disobeyed mum, and went into next doors garden. Archie wasn’t in a very good mood. He wasn’t looking well, and had bald patches on his back, which I’d never seen before. But I was only eight, so I just went closer and closer, until he completely went mental. He attacked me, ripping my shirt to shreds and clawing at my neck. I was screaming, and my neighbours ran out in panic, saw the chaos and ran the ambulance. I was rushed to hospital having to have stitches in my face and arms. I was scared, frightened and felt alone. My body was in too much agony to ask what is happening to Archie.

A week later my neighbours came to visit me, I was able to move about now, but the smell of dog frustrated me. Mrs Debbie Adams was distraught. At first I was quite touched as I thought she was poignant over me, but then she started to speak.
“Archie has been put down,” Mrs Adams wept, “he was labelled `a maniac` by your mother, and she claimed justice. He was put down this morning.” I felt depressed. Not only was it painful when I opened my mouth from the scarring, but I did like Archie, and even though his scent made me want to puke from disgust, he was adorable and a very loveable dog.
Mum complained to me that I was being too soft and should hate the Adams’ for even letting me in their garden in the first place. I never took any notice, and still think of the good dog Archie was, before seven years ago.

This is very well written. I did see some mistakes here and there, but nothing too bad.

I like how you address the fears. I lost my dad at a young age, so I can understand that standpoint, but it's interesting how you addressed her fears of something quote "not normal" if you will.

But... anywho... Good story. =]

(Sorry if I'm all over the place. ADD... Hah.)

Your character has a lot of personality and your writing is fun to read(: Write more. Be careful where you put your commas also, there's a lot of them.

Sorry, yeah I do tend to write fast and commas look nice to me while I'm writing. I'm glad you liked it, thanks for commenting.

Your writing flows nicely, and the story is sweet. Your MC has some personality in her narration style which is nice. The biggest issue with this piece is that it has a lot of telling and not a lot of showing.

In this short piece, you manage to tell us a lot about your character, and the situation that she is in. You tell us that her dad died, that her mother has a few not-so-great behaviors and that she is fearful, which in itself is not a bad thing, but it would be better to show us these things instead of telling them.

For instance, instead of telling us the story of Archie the dog, put us in the scene with your character. Let us here the sounds, feel the pain, smell the smells, see the mangled dog. For a moment let us be your character and have the experience with her. Little details that you also included could be interspersed with scenes of dialogue and action, rather than just told. It will make your story much more interesting, and probably more fun to write. I would try something. Pretend you are an eight-year-old girl for a moment, coming upon a mangy golden lab. What are you thinking about? What do you see? What does the dog sound like? What draws you closer? How does it feel when the dog attacks you? Now, try and write a least a page on these things. You definitely don't have to include all of it in your story, but you might be surprised with the results and how creative you can be.

For more tips and such I might check out these articles:
Show and Tell by CastlesInTheSky
Summary vs. Scene by Teague

The other thing I would like to talk about is purpose. This is a cute story, but, what else is it? What's it's purpose? What do you want the reader to take away with them when they finish your piece? So the question you have to ask yourself is why this story is important to tell. Then include the answer somehow in your story.

Also, you have a few typos and such in this piece, but a I am confident you will be able to catch them with a thorough read-through of this piece. If you read it out loud to yourself, that really helps a bunch. Also, if you print it out and read it. It's something about the paper in your hands that helps you notice things you hadn't before.

You have great potential as a writer. Your sentences flowed smoothly and your story was nice. Above all, just keep writing. As much as you can, everyday. Your work will just get better and better. If you have any comments or questions feel free to PM me or write on my wall!

w

Hi angel!

I am going to be pacific and pick out any nitpicks I can find. But first off about the story.

I found the story very interesting.At the beginning you left us wondering what her demons or phobias would be. I was very intrigued and interested. Then you went on about her background and we got to hear about her family. Then you went to saying the phobia and explaining why she was scared of dogs. I understand all that, and I think the story is perfect but now I wonder... what about all her other phobias? Do they only link to what happened with her father and with Archie the dog? Or are those phobias because of something different?

And now the nitpicks... I only have a few:

angel007angel wrote:My phobia is why crazier, way lamer than any other fears.

I think you mean: my phobia is way crazier.

angel007angel wrote:I big young, a Labrador even.

This sentence doesn't make sense. It would be better to say: The dog was a big, young Labrador.

angel007angel wrote: I was screaming, and my neighbours ran out in panic, saw the chaos and ran the ambulance.

ran = rang

But apart from those little typos the story was all good and I enjoyed reading it.

Deanie x