Young Writers Society

She hesitated, thinking. She hadn't really been noticing small things, good or bad. She was too wrapped up in her existential dread in general to notice details. "... Regulus hugged me, which felt nice, I guess."

Tasia had been hanging off her, too. But Regulus hadn't taken to her the literal instant he saw her like Tasia had. It felt like she'd, slowly, been winning him over.

Gaius nodded. "That will do, I think. There were your rewards, and here is my lesson: You would never have experienced those things if you'd died in that garden. And you wouldn't have gained the friend you have now if you had died at the hands of the Marrow Man. You wouldn't have reconciled with Zander, and you wouldn't have this lovely pelt." He paused. "It seems small now, all these things, but if you focus on them they accumulate very quickly until it seems you have more good in your life than bad."

He was right: he was on some bullshit. This felt akin to telling her just not to be sad. What was his goal for a month from now -- suggesting she just try smiling more? This wasn't a reward, it was a lecture, and she could get one for free from anyone at all. Gods knew people were eager to throw things in her face. To list off all the reasons she wasn't allowed to be upset since things could always be worse.

She was, apparently, supposed to be grateful the assassins hadn't succeeded in killing her because she was still alive to live a life she was, apparently, supposed to be enjoying living. Was supposed to pretend like a hug from a toddler made the nightmares and sheer terror worth it.

She forced herself to remember that she'd just said she didn't need a present. That she'd attempted to give him an out, before he decided to pull this bullshit. And at this point, she wished he would have taken it. Her trust in him absolutely plummeted that he'd thought this was supposed to make her feel better.

She nodded, trying to keep the emotion off her face.

Gaius watched her carefully. "Did I not say you would be furious? Was I incorrect?"

She looked at him evenly, refusing to voice what a crock of bullshit he'd just tried to feed her. So he was toying with her after all. Fine. Whatever. She was used to powerful men toying with her. She supposed he was no better than the rest. "I guess so."

"It sounds like well-meaning nonsense, doesn't it. But listen, Ky. I'm still alive today because Tomhas told me to do that. And he's still alive because he did it himself. It takes work--you really have to look, to try to look for the good. I nearly gave up plenty of times, and I still struggle. But it pays off. Look, I have three children and a beautiful wife, and I've got nieces and nephews that I can know. I'm alive to help keep slavery out of Venholm."

Ky looked at him for a long moment, keeping her face carefully impassive, and trying to think of how to respond. She couldn't very well tell him it was bullshit. If this was his coping mechanism, and it worked for him, who was she to rip it away from him? She was happy his platitudes worked for him. Even though, as he said, it was well-meaning nonsense. She nodded.

"But this is only a strategy." He looked away quickly, for once uncomfortable with someone else's stare. "There are others. You didn't need that anymore, as I said. It was meant for before."

"Yeah." She looked away too, uncomfortable that she was making him uncomfortable. Although he sort of deserved it just then for the bullshit he was trying to pull with her. Did he think she was stupid? Is that what this was? That he didn't think it'd crossed her mind to try to be happy and that she was wallowing in her misery for the fun of it? She was glad Ruh had given her a solid reason for why she shouldn't kill herself. 'Cause this sure ain't it.

"I have others, should you ever need them. Less Tomhas-ish ones."

Ky hesitated, resisting, once again, the urge to tell him how full of shit he was. And forcing herself to remember that he was coming from a good spot. That he was well-meaning, if ineffective and, frankly, shallow. She would have expected better from him. But she couldn't fault him for making an effort. "I appreciate the sentiment."

Gaius nodded, mood soured slightly. He had tried to be like his little brother and failed miserably; he wasn't cut out for upbeat talks and encouragement. He was a pragmatist when it came to living or dying, and it appeared Ky was as well. He'd thought she might respond more to Tomhas's way of things, but it seemed he was wrong.

(poor Gaius xD 'Tomhas is good with Ky, clearly -- oop, nope, not like that, she did *not* like that...')

Ky hesitated a beat longer, feeling Gaius's energy change. She'd upset him. Of course, she did. Because she was being a bitch. An ungrateful bitch, as usual. She had a prick of conscience, feeling as though she should comfort him, even though he was the one who had landed them both here. He should have just agreed that she didn't need the present, and left well enough alone. Not undermine her trust in him like this. It'd take a while to rebuild it after this, if it ever came back at all. She'd thought he was more level-headed than this. That he truly understood what she was going through. But it was clear he didn't.

She supposed she couldn't fault him for it. She knew fully well no one else could know how she felt, aside from possibly Tadaaki. But even he had the motivation to stay alive to protect Aashi and Tasia. She didn't have that motivation. She wasn't protecting anyone at all and would, in fact, be doing the entire world a favor if she wasn't in it anymore. It'd be a better place without the stain of her life upon it. It'd be better if the ground could swallow her fuck ups and let the worms transform her into soil. Then, at least, there would be a use for her. Unlike just being a waste of oxygen like she was now.

"It will, perhaps, be helpful once I think on it more," she offered lamely. It wouldn't be helpful, no matter how much time she thought about it. But she didn't want him to feel like he was the loser who'd brought her socks for Christmas. Even though he kind of was.

"Mm." Gaius could feel himself shutting down, retreating back into his shell. He'd probably trudge back to his tent or wake everyone up to prepare for travel in a moment. "Perhaps so." Definitely not. He could hear in her voice that she'd decided it wouldn't be helpful, and he didn't blame her. He hadn't been lying exactly when he said Tomhas's strategy helped him. It had, for a little while, but then he grew older and learned that looking on the bright side just blinded you to the darkness. You couldn't fix anything if you refused to see all sides.

She was still upsetting him. She didn't mean to be. She wanted to convince him that he was being helpful. To make him feel valued. To go back to their mutual, shared giddiness at talking about Ruh and the fur and everything else. But it felt like they were past that, now.

They were back to him being a cold-hearted fortress; and her trending that way, too. Where had she gone so wrong? Why was she not able to be warm anymore? Why was her character frozen clear through these days?

She decided that faking positivity was not, in fact, improving the situation. His bullshit detector was high, even though he, apparently, spewed platitudes himself. It was clear that he didn't believe that she believed him. So it was best to find a point of authenticity that they could agree on.

"I do appreciate what you're trying to do," she said after a moment. "I appreciate that you shared your coping strategy, and I'm glad it works for you... I think my brain just works a little differently. But I do appreciate the effort."