Snow White Fan-Fic
A More Modern Recollection, with a less ditzy Snow
“Snow, run.” Bob tells me. Bob is my stepmother’s magic mirror, and he is the only one I can trust. I don’t blame him, he just got so sick of telling her how pretty she is, when she isn’t. Honestly, she wears a skin tight hood to cover her hair, and robes that are so last year. My daily dress with the yellow skirt, annoying white color and blue top may be ugly, but at least it has a timeless look to it. Regardless, Bob is going to tell the queen that she isn’t all that beautiful, that I’m the fairest in the land. But he doesn’t want me to be here while he does it.
As I run into the woods, branches and brambles pull and tug on my dress. In frustration, I rip off the stupid white collar, kick off my kitten heels and tug my skirt into my waistband. After deciding that now I'm more fit to run, I continue to flee. I feel eyes watching me. This forest is too creepy for my taste, and I'm going to do something about it.
"Would you like a picture? Stop staring at me and acting like a bunch of stalkers. You're FOREST ANIMALS for pete's sakes! Don't tell me you've never seen a Princess in distress! There's Rapunzel, Merida, Belle, and all of those other girls that run into the woods. Mind your own beeswax!" The eyes disappear and I can hear the scurry of animals. Satisfied, I hurry off.
About three hours later, I find a cottage in the clearing. It's getting dark, so I knock on the door. No one home. I enter the house, and see that it's a mess. There are bowls and plates everywhere, and the floor needs a good sweeping.
"This shit is ratchet," I say. Then I kick myself for speaking aloud. Who does that anymore? I think that I probably should clean it, then I take one look at my dirty dress and assess my fatigue. No way. I've been romping through that forest all day, and I cleaned the Queen's room on top of that. If I have to wash another dish, I'm going to scream.
Spying a set of stairs, I climb up them and wince as I get splinters on the bottoms of my bare feet. I run up the steps and try not to hurt my feet too badly. When I emerge at the top, I see a bedroom full of seven beds, neatly made. I put my hands on my hips and think to myself, "So they make their beds neatly, but can't do a dish? And who sleeps in beds this small? Not to mention the fact that there are seven beds, do they organize orgies or something?" I roll my eyes and shrug my shoulders. I need a place to sleep and I feel gross, too. At this time, I notice there is a bathroom to the side.
"Plumbing isn't too cheap for them," I mutter as I draw a bath. My stepmother (or step monster as I prefer to call her) always thought plumbing was too cheap, so she always made me draw clean water from the well. Pushing this memory out of my head, I scrub all of the dirt and blood off me, and wash my hair. I spy some shampoo to the side, so I pick it up and squirt some in my hand. It comes out as a weird silvery liquid, so I check the label on the shampoo. I read it aloud because you know, cooking and cleaning already hasn’t exactly turned me into the best reader.
“Beard moisturizer, Use to keep your beard moist and silvery, for best results, start from chin and work down end of beard…” I drop the bottle and scrub the moisturizer off my hands. That was thoroughly nasty. I realize that I must be living in a house of men. really short men with long beards… dwarves. It must be dwarves.
As I get out of the tub and step onto the surprisingly clean bathroom floor I smile. Dwarves love to mine, jewels and rocks and all that. Maybe if they like me, they’ll make me rich and shower me with jewels and wealth greater than that of my stepmother. The thought brightens my spirits, and I walk back into the bedroom with a towel wrapped around my body. Now there’s the problem of clothes. my sweaty and torn dress just won’t do. However, if there’s one thing that Bob ever taught me, it’s that you can find an outfit anywhere.
So I start looking. At the end of each bed there is a trunk, so I look through every trunk possible. There are clean clothes thrown in each chest, and they are all very wrinkled. Regardless, this will have to do. Then I have an idea, and I walk back downstairs, still wearing my towel, in search for scissors.
When I’m finished, I survey my work in the bathroom mirror. My old dress is on the floor in shreds, with the top half missing. I scoff at how difficult it was to get the top part free, plus I had to cut the poofy sleeves from the ends. It was hard work, especially with dull scissors. I had used the cut out from my dress to create a tank top, after I scrubbed it in the tub, of course. Afterwards, I recall using a pair of a dwarf’s trousers and cutting it down to make shorts. I may look a little boyish, but with my red headband in my hair, and my now clean clothes, I definitely looked prettier. I was also very comfortable, more so than I had ever felt in my stupid dress.
Downstairs, I hear voices. I look up, and head downstairs to see a hag accompanied by seven dwarves. They startle at the sight of me, and I narrow my eyes at them. The hag gives an ugly smile, and she waves sweetly. The dwarves, however, look upset to see me. I’m bombarded with questions. I hold my hands up in surrender and I sit slowly down in one of the tiny chairs.
“My name is Snow White, I’m a Princess fleeing from my ugly stepmother who is not the fairest in the land by far. I just need a place to stay for a little while.” The dwarves narrow their eyes at me, but seeing the mess around me, I have an idea.
“I can cook and clean. I hate to, but seriously, this is ratchet. It needs a good cleaning. If you like, I’ll clean your place if you let me stay here for a few nights.” I notice one dwarf who refuses to change his sour expression, a dwarf with glasses who seems to be thinking, and another more goofy dwarf that keeps trying to pick his nose except the sleeve of his sweater keeps getting in the way.
The dwarf with glasses speaks up. “Fine. But you and the old lady have to sleep down here.” The hag looks up and then addresses me. She really is ugly with rotten teeth and hair that is almost non-existent.
“We women have to stick together. Apple?” She offers me a bright red, juicy apple. My stomach rumbles then, so I take it gratefully. As soon as I bite into it, I know something is wrong. I fall to the floor and everything goes black.
I’m awakened by the soft touch of a kiss on my lips. My eyes pop open and I see the most handsome man standing in front of me. I’m laying on something white with plush, and I have flowers in my hair. I look around me and see a glass top for a case. Like a coffin, almost.
“I’m Henry. The dwarves told me what happened, I’m a doctor. Tricky poison apples, it’s lucky I was in the village area. Sorry about the kiss… it’s a new method called CPR. I had to give you air.” I smile at Henry, and he smiles back. He really is gorgeous, and a doctor.
“So, do you have a castle?” He smiles and nods.
“No do not have a castle, but I have a nice cottage. I know we’ve only just met, but would you like to go out for tea sometime?” I blush and smile.
“Sure,” I say. Maybe this guy will treat me right. Then I realize that the jewels and riches I once hoped for may not be necessary. Maybe what I really need, is the Happily Ever After.
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