Young Writers Society

Do you ever find quotes that are too big for your signature space? Or do you have an abundance of amusing quotes that you dont know what to do with? No? Well I do, so Im going to put random quotes that I find amusing in this thread. Feel free to add your own.

Stewie: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

Meg (about Peter being retarded): I can never go to school again!
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that Felix Ungerish way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Guy on Airplane: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie: What did you just say?
Lois: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie: Pipe down Lois. (Slaps guy on head.) Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.

(Lois finds a note in Chris's pocket)
Lois: Huh, what's this? You know Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pocket. She's more respectful than that.
Stewie: Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch

Lois: Stewie why don't you play in the other room?
Stewie: Why don't you burn in hell?

Stewie: I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.
Brian: I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.

Diane Simmons: Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous closet-case.
Tom Tucker: Bit of breaking news, we now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane.

Homer: [drunk] Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him

lol, I find these amusing. Plz feel free to post amusing stuff.

Some more funny quotes.

Stewie: I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.
Brian: I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.

Diane Simmons: Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous closet-case.
Tom Tucker: Bit of breaking news, we now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane.

Peter: Everybody I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.
Lois: Oh no Peter! How could they do that?
Peter: Well unfortuantely Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that FOX has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Skin, Girl's Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda At Large, Costello, The Lone Gunman, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddy, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, And Greg The Bunny....
Lois: Is there no hope?
Peter: Well I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot

Stewie (in car with Brian, says to police officer): We met on the Internet. He lured me into the car with promises of candy and funny stories.

Simpsons
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.-Homer

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!-Homer

[Stone flies through Mr. Burns' office window]
Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal

Homer: Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how!
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Homer: [drunk] Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him

Leonard Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No.

I found some other amusing quotes:
Dr. Cameron: Men should grow up.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. And dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not gonna happen.

Dr. Eric Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
Dr. Gregory House: I think your tie is ugly.

(My fav quote from house)
Dr. Gregory House: I am the doctor who's trying to save your son's life. You're the mother who's letting him die. Clarification- it's a beautiful thing.

Dr. Gregory House: I suppose "minimally at best" is your stiff upper lip British way of saying "No chance in hell"?
Dr. Robert Chase: Actually, I'm Australian.
Dr. Gregory House: You put the Queen on your money. You're British.

Dr. Cameron: Twelve-year-olds don't have sex.
Dr. Gregory House: Their mistake.

Dr. Eric Foreman: You assaulted that man!
Dr. Gregory House: Fine. I'll never do it again.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yes you will.
Dr. Gregory House: All the more reason this debate is pointless

Brian: Everyone, this is Tina.
Meg: What happened to you?
Brian: How about a little less questions and a little more shut the hell up?

Chris Griffin: Hey, birthday dude! You want some ice cream?
Stewie Griffin: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Frasier: My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating.

[Karen is showing her breasts to a woman]
Grace: Karen, what are you doing?
Karen: She started it.
Grace: Karen, she's breast feeding.
Karen: Oh... That would explain the little bald man.

'im not good or real... I'm evil, and imaginary.
Karen

Grace: You know what my Aunt Pescha would say if she were in this room right now?
Will: "Why the hell did my parents name me Pescha"?

Grace: Will, my love for you is like this scar, (points at elbow) ugly, but permanent.

Karen: Good Lord. I can't believe I'm at a public pool. Why doesn't somebody just pee directly on me?

[Trying to start up her Uncle Jerry's old car]
Grace: Okay, here we go... that's weird. Will, what do you think is wrong?
Karen: Oh, my God. She just asked a Fairy an engine question. We're all gonna die in this car.
Will: Karen, you're not going to die. It would take a silver bullet and a wooden stake to do that.

Karen: Oh honey, I would, but... I don't want to.

[Lyle walks in]
Lyle Finster: There she is, the woman who set my heart on fire.
[Karen rolls her eyes]
Lyle Finster: Which is a nice change, since the women I'm usually with cause a burning feeling in an altogether different area.
Karen: Get lost, David Cop-a-feel. Just because we once made out like drunk straight girls at a frat party, doesn't mean you're wanted here.
Grace: [to Lyle] Hi. Welcome to my office. And we usually reserve this kind of talk for casual sex Friday.
Lyle Finster: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there. Lyle Finster.
Grace: Finster? Oh my God. You're Lorraine's father. You tricked Karen into kissing you.
Karen: That's right. And it ain't never gonna happen again. No, sir. Not on my watch.
Lyle Finster: I understand. But I only came here to return the kiss that you left on my lips.
Karen: What? Give it back!
[Karen jumps on Lyle and they start making out and growling]
Grace: If you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna go in the back and gouge out my eyes and puncture my eardrums.

Jack has been annoying Will]
Jack: Ooh. Barracuda. What crawled up your coolats?
Will: Nothing crawled up my coolats. It's just that you're two inches from my head, polluting my brain with your inane ramblings and buzzing through those chips like some queer gopher.

and now the most quotable author on the planet (IMO) Terry Pratchett

The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it regularly went cuckoo

Mrs Evadne Cake was a medium, verging on small.

"You can't trample infidels when you're a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look."

And it came to pass that in time the Great God Om spake unto Brutha, the Chosen One: "Psst!"

He was said to have the body of a twenty-five year old, although no one knew where he kept it.

I AM DEATH, NOT TAXES. I TURN UP ONLY ONCE.

"When Mister Safety Catch Is Not On, Mister Crossbow Is Not Your Friend."

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and
shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge,
and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;
they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball,
but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her
name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned
a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy
ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise,
there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said
Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass
glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and
the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and
let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame
that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on
both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a
knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking
ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince
lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen
swanny.

I thought I should say that replies arent necessary and that Ima keep posting amusing stuff I find. Im very stubborn

Black Books:
Fran: Do you know that in Tibet when they want something they give something away?
Bernard: Do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power.

Bernard: I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

Bernard: [to angry skinheads] Which one of you bitches wants to dance?

Bernard: [gibbering] They'd all laugh at me if they knew what I was trying to do... to create a new strain of super-wine in a half an hour with a fraction of nature's resources and a FOOL for an assistant. "Bernard Black, he's mad," they'd say. "He's insane. He's dangerous." Well I'll show them! I'll show them all!

Bernard: You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

Manny and Bernard are drinking wine]
Bernard: It's like looking into the eye of a duck...
Manny: And sucking all the fluid from its beak.

Customer: [brings back copy of Tempocalypse] I bought this for a friend, and they didn't want it, i was wondering if i could exchange it, preferably for the money
Bernard: [grabs the book and begins flicking through it rapidly then stops] AHA! sand!
[collects some onto his finger]
Bernard: Manny!
[sprinkles it into manny's mouth]
Manny: [tasting the sand] Sardinia... South... Porto Scudo... THe little beach by the monastary
Bernard: [to customer] get out!
[shoves his book back into his hands]
Customer: Damn!
[leaves]

Bernard: Where's my cure?
Manny: It's not my fault you're hungover.
Bernard: It is your fault! If I lived with a normal person, there wouldn't be so much to block out

Customer: Look, there's no other way to say this, but I didn't come in here to be insulted.
Bernard: Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. In another life, we could have been brothers. Running a small, quirky taveria in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be. So hop it.

Father Dougal: Look Ted! This table's so dirty I can write my name in it!
Father Ted: There's a 'g' in Dougal.
Father Dougal: Where?

Father Dougal: I know! We'll lure them into a giant bingo game!
Father Ted: And how are we going to do that?
Father Dougal: We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and... oh.
Father Ted: Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all.
Father Dougal: Damn. So near, yet so far.

Fr. Buzz Cagney: You know what I do with $400? I wipe my ass with it.
Father Ted: Good God. And can that still be used as legal tender?

Father Ted: Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas priests... uh... more drink!

Mrs Doyle: There's always time for a nice cup of tea. Sure, didn't the Lord himself pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world.
Father Ted: No, he didn't, Mrs Doyle!
Mrs Doyle: Well, whatever the equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake or something. And speaking of cake, I have cake!
[holds up a cupcake]
Father Ted: No, thanks, Mrs Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it!
Father Ted: WHAT?
Mrs Doyle: Oh, no, not cocaine. God, what am I on about. No, what d'you call them. Raisins.

Father Ted: That's the great thing about Catholicism – it's very vague and no-one knows what its really all about.

Oh, man...my entire blog fits the description..

You have to much time on your hands. I just spent points on this because I figured that someone should tell you that. I haven't even read them all.

Its random and amusing which are things I love,and I didnt ask for you to comment you stupid girl. So plz be silent as your comments are not wanted, your opinion even less so.

Well in that case, don't post pointless quotes through 4 posts - have you noticed that only one other person has commented? Exactly. So don't bother posting if you don't want anything said about it, sweetie. Oh, and by the way, don't call me a stupid girl, because frankly, I don't think you are actually in any position to comment.
Enjoy your menial existence, little boy. Now run along.

Hey! Now TWO people that have these things called SENSES OF HUMOR have posted so bite us u cranky "person"! Jigsaw, that stuff is FUNNY! :thumb:

-Ahem...and please, just use real words, not 'AIM speak'.

don't post pointless quotes

Aren't all amusing things essentially pointless? They may seem pointless to you, you dour cow, however others find such things amusing and it is for them that I post such things. I didnt post those quotes so nay-sayers and idiots like you could ruin things. Here's a suggestion; lighten up you dry prunish mule.

have you noticed that only one other person has commented?

As well as being a humourless trollop it appears as if you are also a simpleton. I said earlier in this thread:

I thought I should say that replies are not necessary

I didnt expect replies, so shut up you mean spirited harpy.

Enjoy your menial existence

I can assure that If I lived a menial existence I would enjoy it to the full. Unlike me, you will undoubtedly live a dour, joyless existence (while making life harder for everyone around you) no matter your station in life. In future please be silent. I truly have no wish to hear anything you have to say as it will, in essence, be complete and utter rubbish.

little boy

I'll have you know Im quite tall.

Forgive me if I've forgotten the connection between you two. But while this seems like harmless banter, I just want to make sure you guys KEEP it light and harmless.

Other than that, go for it.

And nice quotes - I literally laughed out loud on some of them. Made my day.

Don't change my posts, please - I don't care if you are a mod. Delete, if you absolutely have to, but don't alter what I say.
Yes, I am being difficult. Enjoy.