Young Writers Society

I awoke on a graveled ground, tiny stones brushing against my cheek. There was a headache behind my eyes, and my body ached in every place. I attempted to get up, I got as far as onto my elbows before falling back down. I impacted the gravel HARD.

I looked around as much as I could from my prone position; I could make out two stone brick walls to my left and right. They seemed to go as far as I could see, the room was filled with a sickly white fog. No, wrong word; mist... wispy and white, the mist rose higher than I could see. The room smelled like fresh blood.

After laying in that position for what seemed like hours; I mustered the strength, and hauled myself onto my feet. My legs were sore, and my jeans were torn. As far as I could tell, I was wearing a read t-shirt, with a purple sweatshirt over it. And I wasn't wearing any shoes.

Where the hell am I? - I thought to myself.

“HELLO????” I yelled into the mist. Minutes past. No answer.

I walked a few paces, I couldn't see more than three feet ahead of me. I can to a turn, right. I walked around the corner. I moved through the way for a few more turns. I reached a fork, left or right.

A maze? – I questioned myself in my mind.

Just as I began to make my way through the nest turn, I could make out a dark figure shambling through the fog.

“HELLO????” I yelled into the mist again.

The figure stopped in it's tracks.

“Hello???” I could just make out the voice.

I walked a few paces until I could see the figure more clearly. When I got close enough, I could tell it was a boy,skinny, about 5' 4”, chocolate brown skin wearing round wire rimmed glasses. He was wearing a red plaid shirt and overalls. I don't think he was wearing shoes either, but I wasn't going to ask him.

So I've run into Steve Erkil of all people – thought to myself

“Oh my god a person,” he finally said, out of breath. “I've been wandering in this maze for hours, I thought I'd never find anyone.”

Upon closer inspection, I could see that his pant's and shirt were torn up as well. What could that mean? Did we both get in here the same way?

“What's your name man?” I asked him

He paused, drew a breath.


“My name is Chester Morris Jr. - but you can call me Chess.”

I extended my hand,

“Eli Jones,” he shook my hand with a firmer grip than I had expected.

“How did we get in here?” I asked him.

He drew another breath, “I couldn't tell you man.”

We walked for a while through the fog every once awhile I would swear I could see something out of the corner of my eye. Then I would dismiss it as the fog playing tricks on me. But I don't think it was playing tricks on me.

hey there,
first off this is great, You kept my interest from beginning to end. You did a fantastic job of creating the eerie atmosphere of the maze. Is the entire story going to take place in the maze? because I think that is an awesome idea, kind of like a modern Minos and the Minotaur. I am really interested to see what happens next.
Now that brings me to the nitpicks.
first there are a few grammatical errors probably just spell check being stupid but it would be good to look over that.
Second, i loved the story but i wanted more there were some parts where i thought it felt too rushed for example

I walked a few paces, I couldn't see more than three feet ahead of me. I can to a turn, right. I walked around the corner. I moved through the way for a few more turns. I reached a fork, left or right.

try adding some description, what dose the ground feel like under the narrators feet? Are they in pain? Is it hard for them to walk? Also try describing the narrators confusion at this point, let us peak into their mind and see their confusion towards the whole situation.

Then I would dismiss it as the fog playing tricks on me. But I don't think it was playing tricks on me.

This line is good but i think there could have been a more powerful delivery of it try this

Then i would dismiss it as the mist playing tricks on my eyes, and though my eyes were fooled my mind knew better.

just a suggestion,

they seemed to go as far as I could see, the room was filled with a sickly white fog. No, wrong word; mist... wispy and white, the mist rose higher than I could see.

this line is great, just beautiful, by the way.
Overall i really like the piece and i think it could make a super interesting novel, let me know when you submit the next part and i would be happy to read and review.
Excited to see whats next,
Scarlett

Thanks Alot!!!!

I really liked your suggestion for that one sentence! And I'm glad that you're enjoying it so far... I will try to post more later!!!

Hey! This is Shooting Stars here to review! Here are just a few things you should look at:

VampireSenshi512 wrote:
I looked around as much as I could from my prone position; I could make out two stone brick walls to my left and right. They seemed to go as far as I could see, the room was filled with a sickly white fog. No, wrong word; mist... wispy and white, the mist rose higher than I could see. The room-? I thought it was more like a hallway smelled like fresh blood.

In this paragraph, you have a repetition of "could" and "could see". Try switching these words out with something a little different.

VampireSenshi512 wrote:

After laying in that position for what seemed like hours; I mustered the strength to haul myself onto my feet. My legs were sore, and my jeans torn. As far as I could tell, I was wearing a red t-shirt with a purple sweatshirt over it. And I wasn't wearing any shoes- what if you connect this to the previous sentence?.

"Where the am I?" I thought to myself.

“HELLO?" I yelled into the mist. Minutes past. No answer- I know what you're saying here, but I don't think it's grammatically correct.

I walked a few paces; I couldn't see more than three feet ahead of me. I can do a turn, right. I walked- repetition around the corner. I moved through the way for a few more turns. I reached a fork, left or right.

In these last few sentences, you begin every one with the word "I". Just keep that in mind. I'll go ahead and skip to the end.
Overall, I liked this piece but it had many misspellings and punctuation mistakes. But you know what, we all are human so it doesn't matter!
For the most part I liked the descriptions but felt it needed more PIZAZZ! The chapter, in my opinion, moved a little too fast but you're the author so do what you feel! Also, I've recently read a book called, "The Maze Runner" and your story shares many simularities with it... Hope you prove me wrong in the next chapter.
Keep writing!
---Shooting Stars

Shooting Star - sorry i didn't realize i was doing that with the I's!!!

I haven't read Maze Runner, but i have heard that it is good. I hope my idea isn't too similar because that would be kinda redundant