The Hate List--- Pilot

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Fri Jan 13, 2012 2:59 pm

This is a pilot for a book I've started on, so feel free to give me feedback on whether or not I should continue.

Based on a true story:
The Hate List

Blurb: Going back to middle school after the summer break is an easy task to handle for Lauren Pitt. Last year in sixth grade she was one of the most popular girls, she had great friends, but better yet there was no drama between anyone she knew.
However, little does she realize that everything is going change when she enters the school hall on her first day of seventh grade.

Pilot: Lauren sucks in a deep breath, staring up at the large silver and blue sign above her school's double doors that read, "Southwest Middle: Teaching the Futures of Tomorrow". She stands just outside of those metal doors, the August breeze whipping some of her blond hair onto her face. Nervously, she readjusts her bobby pinned ponytail before moving closer to the school's entrance. Lauren tightly grips her purse and the pink straps of her backpack in her left hand, so she can have a free one to smooth out her short skirt.
This is it, the girl thinks to herself, lifting the pink polka dotted bag onto her back. This is the beginning of a great school year!
She reaches for the large door handle and pulls it open with ease, strolling into the bright building. Despite a slight feeling of anxiety, she beams a fresh smile. Cool air conditioning hits Lauren in all directions as she allows the metal door she entered through to slam behind her.
The large front lobby of Southwest Middle is packed with kids, varying in ages, all milling around. Different tables are positioned against the walls each bearing a sign like, "Volleyball tryout forms here!"
Lauren searches the large crowd for any close friends.
"Hey, Pitt!"
When the seventh grader hears her name over all the talking, she immediately spots Meredith and Jade calling to her next to the cheerleading booth, earning giant grins from both of them. She waves at her friends and rushes over toward them excitedly.
"Meredith! Jade!" Lauren squeals, dropping her purse on the tiled floor before
hugging each of the girls. They let go of each other still beaming smiles.
"This is definitely going to be an awesome year, y'all!" Jade says while helping Lauren pick up her purse.
Meredith responds loudly on top of the noise around them, "Yes it will be! I heard there's a new related arts class they're considering."
"Don't tell me they want to put in our idea!" Lauren exclaims.
"Yes! The school board is actually talking about our fashion and design class!" Meredith replies, her excitement building even higher. The trio squeals and passes hugs around again.
Raising an imaginary glass, Jade states in her southern accent, "Cheers to a great year at Southwest!"
"Cheers!" the two other girls reply.
What they didn't know, though is that this will be one of the worst years of their lives. That is, if they can act before the creation of the Hate List.

Last edited by ShootingStars on Fri Jan 27, 2012 12:09 am, edited 4 times in total.

When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. Anything your heart desires will come to you. -Jiminy Cricket

Don't be afraid to jump, to leap, to fly too far and don't be scared to touch the stars!

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Points: 6235
Reviews: 57

Sat Jan 14, 2012 3:34 am

Wariofart says...

Hey!

I thought this was a good piece, especially for your age. You write very smoothly and everything flows amazingly, which is really great to see. I'll start off with the general, and then move on to a annotated review-type-thing (my comments in bold).

I thought that your description was very well done. It was enjoyable, and well written, and using the present tense was an interesting choice that makes it stand out from other books. Some people might not prefer it, but I have no problem reading present tense, and I think it's fine the way it is. I also thought that your description was always interested. I had a clear picture in my mind of the world around your characters, which is really good! Also, I liked how you included different senses into the description, as it makes it a lot more varied and interesting.

The characters and dialogue were also good. Your characters are likable, and seem very bubbly. I'm getting a clear personality from them, which is good for how few words this piece is. They also seemed mature with out being overly-sophisticated. Like, smart without being stuck-up.

Finally, the plot. It was interesting how you pulled out and did a more of a direct address to the reader at the beginning and the end of the piece. It makes the whole piece have a bit of tension, because you know something is going to go wrong. Also, it keeps things interesting even when not a ton is happening in this chapter.

My only criticism is that so far, life seems too perfect. I know that this "Hate List" will change all that, but it seems a little unrealistic to me. Flaws and imperfection are the key to really engaging fiction! Also, there has to be a good reason why someone would hate these girls, right?

Okay, now for the annotating thing (don't know what to call it)

ShootingStars wrote:This is a pilot for a book I've started on, so feel free to give me feedback on whether or not I should continue.

Based on a true story: ]Really? This makes me intrigued already. But if you're passing a character off yourself, make sure it's not a Mary Sue!
The Hate List
Pilot For some reason, I liked how this was called a "Pilot".

Going back to Southwest Middle School after the summer break is an easy task to handle for Lauren Pitt. Last year in sixth grade she was one of the most popular girls, she had great friends, the teachers loved her, and better yet there was no drama between anyone she knew. The description of Lauren made her seem like a bit too perfect of a girl. I mean, it seems like everyone loves her and she has no flaws! And unfortunately for fiction characters, but that is boring to readers. If you give her a personality flaw, then you can develop your character over the novel, and it just makes the character a lot more realistic as well, as no one is perfect in real life.
However, little does she realize that everything is going change when she enters the school hall on her first day of seventh grade... Tension builds...

Lauren sucks in a deep breath, staring up at the large silver and blue sign above her school's double doors that read, "Southwest Middle: Teaching the Futures of Tomorrow". Haha! I like this logo, I chuckled. She stands just outside of those metal doors, the August breeze whipping some of her blond hair into her face. Nervously, she readjusts her perfect bobby pinned ponytail before moving closer to the school's entrance. Lauren tightly grips her purse and the pink straps of her backpack in her left hand so she can have a free one to smooth out her short skirt.
This is it, the girl thinks to herself, lifting the pink polka dotted bag onto her back. This is the beginning of a great school year!
She reaches for the large door handle and pulls it open with ease, strolling into the bright building. Despite a slight feeling of anxiety she beams a fresh smile. Cool air conditioning hits Lauren in all directions as she allows the metal door she entered through to slam behind her. Very nice description so far! Especially the last sentence.
The large front lobby of Southwest Middle is packed with kids, varying in ages, all milling around. Different tables are positioned against the walls each bearing a sign like, "Volleyball tryout forms here!"
Lauren searches the large crowd for any close friends.
"Lauren Pitt!" This seemed a little weird that her friend would call her by her full name.
When the seventh grader hears her name over all the talking, she immediately spots Meredith Kelsey and Jade Thompson calling to her next to the cheerleading booth, earning giant grins from both of them. She waves at her friends and rushes over toward them excitedly.
"Meredith! Jade!" Lauren squeals, dropping her purse on the tiled floor before
hugging each of the girls. They let go of each other still beaming smiles.
"This is definitely going to be an awesome year, y'all!" Jade exclaims while helping Lauren pick up her purse.
Meredith responds loudly on top of the noise around them, "Yes it will be! I heard there's a new related arts class they're adding."
"Don't tell me they put in our idea!" Lauren exclaims.
"Yes! The school board actually added our fashion and design class!" Meredith replies, her excitement building even higher. The trio squeals and passes hugs around again. These girls are adorable. Though it seems a bit convenient that the whole school board would make a whole new class just for them... maybe elaborate on what they had to do to convince them?
Raising an imaginary glass, Jade states, "Cheers to a great year at Southwest!"
"Cheers!" the two other girls reply. I really liked this action; it gave them a lot of character development in a very short amount of time!
What they didn't know, though is that this will be one of the worst years of their lives. That is, if they can act before it's too late and before the Hate List.Okay, I wanna know what this "Hate List" is! You've got me hooked.

Good luck, and I say definitely keep writing this! Hope it all goes well!

"This is a song for a scribbled out name
That my love keeps writing again and again
And again"

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Points: 3404
Reviews: 37

Mon Jan 16, 2012 7:59 pm

ShootingStars says...

Thanks for the review!
Oh, and don't worry because these girls are far from perfect, you'll find out soon... *dramatically gazes off into the distance*
I edited a few things you mentioned so thank you so much!

--- Shooting Stars

Last edited by ShootingStars on Thu Jan 19, 2012 10:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Points: 10840
Reviews: 202

Wed Jan 18, 2012 10:56 pm

Blues says...

Hey Stars!
I'm here as requested. Let's get started!

My first impression: Interesting. This was an interesting, yet short intro. I'm intrigued to see what happens as nothing has happened, but I know it will. I'm interested to see what happens next. As Wariofart mentioned, the direct address definitely helped. In my opinion, this would've had nothing making me interested at all!

The description here was pretty good - not too much and not to little either, especially for a short piece like this. I can visualise this piece enough, so well done.
Also on the plus side, the little characterisation of the girls was also great

Anyway. Nitpick time. Well actually today I've only got one, which is a good thing!

Lauren searches the large crowd for any close friends.
"Lauren Pitt!"
When the seventh grader hears her name over all the talking, she immediately spots Meredith Kelsey and Jade Thompson calling to her next to the cheerleading booth, earning giant grins from both of them. She waves at her friends and rushes over toward them excitedly.

My nitpick here is that... well, what is the need of the surnames here? When you greet someone, unless there is another person with their name/it's a common thing to call them their surname as a nickname, you wouldn't normally call them by it? Also, 'Kesley' and 'Thompson' (the surnames) here don't add anything to the story that's necessary to know, seeing as we're not talking about their families either.
In the story, the main thing is (well, I think anyway) is that the characters can be called something and in this case Meredith, Jade and Lauren. I've tried to fit in my characters surnames before, but I've realised that it's pointless as we can call them something. Usually it's not necessary, although there are places where it is.

Anyway, I think my one critique here is something that's been mentioned by Wariofart and that life *is* too perfect here. I understand that they are far from perfect, but perhaps something where one of them forgot what the new class was all about and the other says something like "For God's sake, seriously, you must have the memory of a gold fish -- you never remember anything!" and the other one says "sorry" timidly. Of course if you did that, they'd have to do it in character, but you know, subtly revealing their flaws and they aren't completely lovely because no one is. Even best of Friends sometimes aren't 100% great even if one remains quiet, but in this case, you can probably minimise the unhappiness level in their relationship to 1% or something.

Just a suggestion.

Anyway, that's it! Not much to critique! I do think you should continue it; I think there's potential. So anyway, I hope I helped and PM me if you've got any questions.

Keeeep Writing!

-Mac

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Points: 3055
Reviews: 66

Thu Jan 19, 2012 4:17 pm

Angelreader77 says...

Hey!
Here as you asked.

It was an interesting piece. As the other two said, your descriptions were good, good enough for me to imagine.
Your first paragraph was good, enough to hook the reader on. Also you've used present tense, which I like and I think is real hard to do, so that's really good.

ShootingStars wrote:She stands just outside of those metal doors, the August breeze whipping some of her blond hair into her face.

I'm not so sure about the into. I think it should be onto.

ShootingStars wrote:When the seventh grader hears her name over all the talking, she immediately spots Meredith Kelsey and Jade Thompson calling to her next to the cheerleading booth, earning giant grins from both of them. She waves at her friends and rushes over toward them excitedly.

Also, I'm not so sure about the surname use. It disrupts the flow and I don't think you're using them now...
I don't have any other nitpick

Now you're characters: I feel that they aren't really realistic. Maybe a bit perfect but I think you can add some character depth.
Conversations tell a lot about characters. What one says and the other replies tell a lot about both of them.
Also, describing the way they speak helps. Now to say Lauren speaks loudly. That would mean that she's a bit outgoing, right? Or if Jade uses a lot of big words and speaks fast, she could be smart.There are a lot of ways you can develop the characters though it's your choice how you do that.
part from that it was a really nice read, with a good beginning and end. You should totes continue this.

Hope I helped
-Angel

"The cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears or the sea." --Isaac Dinesen

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Points: 368
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Sat Jan 21, 2012 6:59 am

Rascalover says...

Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review!

Going back to Southwest Middle School after the summer break is an easy task to handle for Lauren Pitt.

Maybe try to reword this sentence because it's hard to read, and it does not draw me into this story.

Last year in sixth grade she was one of the most popular girls, she had great friends, the teachers loved her, and better yet there was no drama between anyone she knew.

She's perfect? Maybe try to make her a little more relate-able to your reading audience. If I had grabbed this off of the library shelf I would have put it back. Don't let that upset you though, I am just being honest; your beginning sentences have to draw the reader in and capture their attention, and your just missing it here. Also, there should be a comma after grade.

However, little does she realize that everything is going change when she enters the school hall on her first day of seventh grade...

I understand you want your readers to want to read the rest because you have put a cliff hanger here, but it just doesn't do it. Maybe you could try just letting the story tell itself from after the sentence before this, but if you do keep this sentence there's no need for an ellipsis (...).

She stands just outside of those metal doors, the August breeze whipping some of her blond hair into her face.

These are two complete sentences, so the comma after doors should be a semi-colon (;).

Lauren tightly grips her purse and the pink straps of her backpack in her left hand so she can have a free one to smooth out her short skirt.

There should be a comma after hand.

Despite a slight feeling of anxiety she beams a fresh smile.

there should be a comma after anxiety.

What they didn't know, though is that this will be one of the worst years of their lives. That is, if they can act before it's too late and before the Hate List.

Because you have a cliff hanger at the end of this chapter, I would get rid of the very first cliff hanger earlier in the story.

I hope this wasn't too harsh!

I would like to read the rest of this when it is up. If you ever need another review or have any questions feel free to ask.

Have a great day,
Tiffany

There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review?

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html

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Points: 1474
Reviews: 10

Tue Jan 24, 2012 9:03 pm

RileyStone says...

Alright, first things first. I have to ask... are you really 12? This is amazing for a twelve year old, far beyond where I was at this age. Keep writing, you seriously have great potential.

Now, about this piece. I like it, it's cute, easy going. The whole "starting a new school year" thing is a bit overdone, especially the bit about standing outside the school, looking up at the sign. I don't know about you, but I'm more looking at the kids around me and searching the crowds for people I know, not gawking the school building.
I like your characters, very adorable. Lauren seems nice, rounded. On the outside she seems confident and self-assured so it's nice to see her anxiety and inner nervousness, it makes her human. I also get a strong feeling that she's rather girly, all the pink and fashion design talk, but you never actually say. Excellence use of the "show don't tell" rule we all strive to follow.

Something that really struck out as odd to me was this sentence.

"Don't tell me they want to put in our idea!"

The our should be italic, not underlined, like so:

"Don't tell me they want to put in our idea!"

Another bit that confused me was the closing paragraph.

What they didn't know, though is that this will be one of the worst years of their lives. That is, if they can act before it's too late and before the Hate List.

The first sentence is fine, cliche, but fine. The second sentence is what confuses me. Is there supposed to be an "unless" somewhere in there? Also the use of "before" twice in the same sentence is not appealing. I'd suggest you play around with the words.

Overall, very nice. Just work on making it original and unique. That will help catch your readers attention and keep them reading.

-Riley

Who do I belong to?
Not earth, not world
Not evil, not mortals
Not wretches, not horrors

-- Project 86

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