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Breaking Free: Chapter 3



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Mon Jan 02, 2012 10:12 pm
qaralynn says...



“Wake up, honey.”

Someone lightly tugged on her shoulder, causing Ksenia to softly groan and turn around. She slowly sat up and rubbed in her eyes to decrease the pain of opening them. Her room was still dark and so was the familiar world outside her window.
She let out a loud yawn and buried her face in her ocean-blue pillow.
Too. Early.

“Honey, come on. The TWC guards will be here in an hour to pick you up.”

I don’t want to wake up, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to get brainwashed…
I don’t want to loose my freedom!


Her mom turned on the light and sat down on Ksenia’s bed. She felt her mother’s hand stroke through her long golden-blonde curls and softly pulled at her deep ocean-blue lowlights. Ksenia smiled at that and turned around to face her mom’s shiney blue eyes.
There were more wrinkles on her face than she last remembered, but her eyes still had the same soft smile in them. She wrapped her arms around her mother’s shoulder and pulled her close, trying to keep out the hard reality that was about to crash her world.
No more mummy-hugs, no more silly conversations with her dad for at least 2 years.
A deep sigh escaped her lips.

She took a quick shower and washed her hair, just in case. She wasn’t really sure if she’d get the opportunity for that in the coming days. After having finished her breakfast, she got informed that she was allowed to only bring a small bag with personal items. The clothing would be taken care of by the camp itself.
Ksenia ran upstairs and stuffed her bag with some personal things that had lots of value for her, mostly sentimental value. She stared at her phone and highly doubted she was allowed to keep it but threw it in her bag anyway.

The minutes passed by faster than she thought and before she knew it, the guards knocked impatiently on the front door. Ksenia came downstairs with her bag tossed over one shoulder and gave her mom another tight hug while she expected her dad to open the door.
But he didn’t.
He just stood there silently and stared at the door with a resolute look in his eyes. She heard the familiar alarm go off in the back of her head.
“Dad?”
He gave her a quick glare and had a somewhat restful smile on his face. Maybe he had lost it. She couldn’t really blame him for that. This whole TWC thing was slowly getting the best of everyone.

The knocking became louder.
“Open up! We are here to pick up Miss Ksenia Lahnser. Any opposition will be reported.”

Her dad made no attempt to open the door.
“They’re not going to take my daughter away; not as long as I have breath in my lungs or blood streaming through my veins.”
His voice sounded surprisingly cheerful for someone who was about to ruin his own future. Yep, he’s lost it…

“Dad, please just open the door! You know what will happen when you work against them.” She begged him entreatingly.
Her mom stared at the door in fear and was incapable of saying anything useful to her husband. Her dad just simply shook his head and focused his attention on the door again.
This is not good…

Ksenia, fearing the future of her dad more than her own, started heading for the door when the guards shot the hinges and burst in. She let out a small squeal and recoiled from the group of muscular guards. They looked frightening in their black suits and with their guns on their side. This group obviously had been carefully picked out for this job. Their plans weren’t all that great but the TWC sure knew how to intimidate.

Her dad quickly grabbed her by the arm and pulled her behind him. Ksenia tried to get loose so that he wouldn’t use himself as her shield but his hand clung around her too tight. She softly begged him to not do this to himself.
He didn’t even seem to hear it.

“Sir, I will politely ask you to step away now so we can continue this task without any further difficulties.”
One of the guards had stepped forward and stared straight at her father with his steel-grey eyes that gave Ksenia the shivers. The guard had his gun down but she knew that he made sure that it was still in sight. More shivers followed.

Her dad seemed to lack the ability to speak or maybe he just didn’t feel the need to say anything because he didn’t react at all. Her mom suddenly started to cry softly. It was as if the guards had been waiting for this as a sign to proceed the hard way. The first guard planted a fist in her father’s midsection and he collapsed. Ksenia smothered another squeal. The other guards felt the urge to release their frustration on him too and soon he was laying on the ground, groaning. Ksenia had been paralyzed by shock the first seconds but soon her conscience came running back.
“No!”
She yelled loudly while throwing herself on one of the guards who was kicking him in his ribs. Ksenia burdened her nails as deep in his arms as possible and tried to kick him at the same time.
A loud groan left the guard’s mouth and he threw her off him while staring at the blood-red bows in disgust. Another guard quickly grabbed her. She tried to pull herself loose and fought back with all the power that was left in her but it was useless. This guy was probably 4 times her weight. Not with fat; with muscles.

“You’re going to regret that, miss. We’re going to report this.”
The guard tried to keep it as formal as possible but she could hear the sadistic amusement in his voice. She had no trouble imagining that she was going to regret it indeed.

She ignored his awaiting stare and looked at her dad instead. If she was going to show any fear at all than it would only be for her father, she wasn’t going to please these monsters by breaking down like a little girl. Her dad looked at her and had tears streaming down on his face. Ksenia wasn’t sure whether he cried about the physical pain or about her being taken away. Maybe both.

“I love you, dad. You too, mom.” She said softly, but loud enough for both of them to hear. Ksenia knew that fighting back would only get them in even more trouble so she loosened an arm and picked up her bag. The guards straightened up and went back to being the scary organized group with the blank expressions on their faces.
The guy that was holding her, quickly scanned her wrist-chip with some small device that looked a lot like the latest cellphones. A soft beep seemed to tell them that it was all okay because they suddenly pushed her out the door and towards the big TWC bus.
The last thing she heard before being pushed inside was the sobbing of her parents and the guard telling them that the village-guards would come later to pick her dad up.

No, please!

She tried to run back but the guard quickly pushed her to the back of the bus and handcuffed her to her seat. Ksenia sat down with a despairing sigh and stared outside her window while trying to keep the tears back.
Nothing good happened to people who dared work against the TWC, they had been making that very clear the past few years. The prisons in Siberia seemed to be their answer to everything, even for the smallest of things. They wanted to prevent everything from happening.

Ksenia sobbed softly when the bus started to drive again. For some unknown reason, she didn’t dare look back at the house; Instead she furiously dried her tears and stared around the bus.
There were already a few people seated in the front and in the middle of the bus. She recognized a few by the back of their heads but couldn’t figure out who the rest were. Not that she cared, the only people she was really close with lived in the southern part of the village. She probably wouldn’t see them back until over two years if the TWC hadn’t lied about giving back their freedom once they were adults.

Ksenia let out a deep sigh and slowly closed her eyes.

* * * * *

A loud horn rudely interrupted her dream and her eyes shoot open. She gave a quick pull on her hand which was feeling weird and noticed she could only move it a few inches.
Right, the handcuffs…

She groaned softly and closed her eyes, wishing she could go back to sleep. The loud chattering in the bus didn’t give her the opportunity though. She opened her eyes again and stared at the suddenly full bus. She also noticed that the sun was at its highest and realized she had been sleeping all morning. Another soft groan escaped from between her lips.

“Someone is not having her day.”

Ksenia turned her face towards the guy who was sitting next to her and gave him an annoyed look.

“You’re not making it any better by talking.”
The guy raised his eyebrows and seemed upset that she hadn’t even smiled at his joke. In normal circumstances she might have felt sorry for this empty-headed creature but his lack of normal conversation skills was annoying the heck out of her at the moment. She wasn’t very tolerating after a horrible morning like this.
The guy cleared his throat awkwardly and Ksenia looked away. With her other hand she softly rubbed over her handcuffed wrist which was slightly hurting.

“I’m not surprised they handcuffed you.”

“I’m not surprised that you’ll have red scratches on your face if you don’t shut it.”

She showed him her free hand and gave him a deathly stare. Ksenia knew she’d feel bad later about talking this way to him but right now she just couldn’t care less.
The guy let out an awkward chuckle and mumbled something about not being scared for some mentally unstable chick, but he did shut it after that…at least, for the following thirty minutes. He seemed to be bored out of his socks after that and since there was no one sitting on his other side, he decided to give the “mentally unstable chick” another try.

“Sooo,” he started with an annoying tone to his voice, “Why isn’t this your day?”
She closed her eyes and bit on the inside of her lip, trying to stay calm.

“I’m pretty sure that if this is anyone’s day for someone in this bus, they must have completely lost it.”

“It’s not that big a deal you know.” He replied bluntly as if being in this big TWC bus was one of the most normal things ever.

“Excuse me?! Being locked away in some camp, being brainwashed and having your soul broken is not a big deal?! Who’s the ‘mentally unstable one’ here, huh?!”

It felt good to let out some anger but it didn’t feel so good anymore when one of the guards walked to the back of the bus and slapped her in the face. Ksenia stared at him with her eyes wide open and felt her cheek burning. She slowly lifted a hand and placed it on the now probably red skin. She was too shocked to react.

“Keep your mouth shut, miss. We do not tolerate this kind of behavior.”

Ksenia was tempted to draw beautiful red lines across his face with her nails but the pain in her face told her that wasn’t such a good idea. Instead she just looked away.
After the guard went back to his seat in the front, Ksenia took a glimpse on the guy next to her. He was eyeing her in shock and she could see his gaze drift over her reddened cheek.
Maybe he wasn’t such an empty-headed creature after all.
“Are you okay? I’m sorry if I upset you.” He whispered quietly as he leaned in a little, cautiously eyeing the guards.
A teeny tiny little smile formed around her lips and she felt kind of bad for immediately judging him.

“I’m okay, thanks.”
Her voice sounded as sweet as possible and she even gave him a small smile. The guy didn’t seem convinced but answered her smile with his. After the whole incident he seemed to realize that this really was a big deal and his face turned a little pale.
Ignorance is a bliss.

They both remained quiet for most of the travel but they seemed to have formed something like a bond. Going down this dark unpredictable road together seemed to be reason enough for bonding.
The guards had handed out breakfast and diner and both times the guy next to her helped her by holding up the little box so she could easily eat out of it with her other hand without spilling anything on her clothes.
After that she started feeling even worse for treating him like that before.

“I’m sorry about being so…unfriendly earlier. I was just really…not having my day.”
She sighed quietly about her stupid choice of words but it felt good to have apologized. The guy faced her and looked quite surprised. The color had returned in his face these last few hours and he looked quite adorable with his wide eyes and brown curls. He wasn’t her type or anything though but she could imagine him being a good friend to have.

“Ow, don’t worry about that. It was a stupid joke anyway.”

Can’t disagree with that.

She gave him another smile and was thankful for this little distraction. The thinking was slowly running her mad.
He extended his right hand and introduced himself as Tariq. That’s when he realized that her right hand was the handcuffed one and he quickly extended his left hand instead. She couldn’t help but chuckle a little as she shook his hand and introduced herself. They exchanged a friendly smile and sank back into the silence. This time it was a comfortable silence though and Ksenia felt a little bit more at ease.

* * * * *

The sun was already halfway on its way down when the TWC bus came to a stop. Tariq and Ksenia sat straight up and opened their eyes which had closed themselves a little while ago.

The first thing she noticed were the fences which were covered in a hundred tons of barbed wire. Behind it was a depressing huge building made out of stone.

Home sweet home.” She thought sarcastically.
"If they can't be with you at your worst, then they don't deserve to be with you at your best."
-Murtuza-

"Even though a ship won't sink at sea, it needs to be steered to get home."
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 244
Reviews: 152
Sun Jan 08, 2012 12:45 pm
Niebla says...



Hey Qara,

As before with the other parts, I love this. It's so engaging, and I really want to read more. I'm really kind of sad that this is the last part you've posted - I'm hoping more will be coming soon? :wink:

I really love how the TWC is just becoming more and more sinister. Right from the beginning you were already showing the readers that there was something wrong with them - and now things are building up more and more. Guards who all but kidnap the main character, and a fenced off "camp". It makes me quite eager to read the next chapter, because I really want to find out what happens at these camps.

I also love how you've clearly shown how Ksenia feels in this chapter, more so than before. The interaction between her and the boy she sits next to on the bus in interesting, too - I can't wait to see what that turns into.

In my opinion, there's not much to pick on in this chapter at all - it seems to me that it's just getting better and better. :)

I'll try and point out a few small things anyway, but they'll mostly just be nitpicks.

1)
Ksenia ran upstairs and stuffed her bag with some personal things that had lots of value for her, mostly sentimental value.


Hmm ... this might just be me, but I think it would be nice if you gave just a little more detail as to what those things were.

2) I only noticed one tiny error in this chapter ...

I don’t want to loose my freedom!


That should be: "I don't want to lose my freedom!" That is literally the only mistake I noticed in this, though. :wink:

Other than that, I really don't think there's anything else to point out. I can't wait to read the next chapter - I hope you do post it. :)

~Misty~
  





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Points: 10840
Reviews: 202
Tue Jan 10, 2012 7:31 pm
Blues says...



Hallo!
I didn't get any fish today. Do you like Squid? Octopus? Prawn? XD Anyway, Let's get started!

First Impressions: Please. Just keep Writing! I'm getting more and more hooked on to this. I'll even confess that my heart began to beat a bit faster than normal during the confrontation. That means that I care about the characters already and I'm beginning to get worried for the characters!

I'm really enjoying this. The TWC is becoming creepier and creepier and I'm actually getting anxious for Ksenia. I hope it's alright for her! Well for literary purposes I don't, but let's keep that quiet ;)

I enjoyed it. I really am keen to see what happens next!

I don’t want to loose my freedom!

I noticed you did this error a few times previously. Just don't forget that lose is pronounced with a 'z' (even though it's got an 's') and loose is pronounced with an 's'.
Lose = They will lose the match, my son was lost yesterday etc
Loose = this screw is loose etc.

“I love you, dad. You too, mom.” She said

There should be a comma after 'mom' instead of a full stop (period) as the actual sentence isn't over, just the Dialogue.

Final nitpick:
“Home sweet home.” She thought sarcastically.

I think it's better like that. It's not stating the obvious now.

So, that's over with the nitpicks. I don't have much else to say! This is great so far. However, I'm really interested in what the bus looks like. It felt really bare this piece. It did have description, but definitely not enough. I couldn't imagine the things I needed to see. The stuff about the camp is OK but everything else is a bit bare. Specifically, what is the bus like? That'd be really interesting to know.

But anyway, that's it! I hope you carry on and don't leave us on a cliffhanger like this. So, Keep Writing!

(PM me when the next chapter is up)

-Ducks
  








"You may deem me romantic, my dear sister, but I bitterly feel the want of a friend."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein