Ksenia nervously closed the curtains as she waited for Jordan to pick up his phone. She had spent the afternoon worrying about whether or not to call him, considering that this could be the last day she was able to make things alright with him. After having convinced herself that it wasn’t a lack of self-respect to come crawling back to him, she had decided to call.
The monotone ringing filled her ears. She secretly wished that he wouldn’t pick up so that she had an excuse for not starting this awkward conversation. Ksenia was about to hang up when a sleepy voice answered the line.
“Hm?”
Ksenia’s heart skipped a beat at hearing him. She tried to make her voice sound as relaxed as possible though the train of thoughts rumbled through her mind, making her feel anything but at ease.
“Uh hi..Jordan.”
Awkward.
She bit on her lip and tried to control her breathing and her racing heartbeat. He wouldn’t have any respect left for her if she’d sound like some obsessed teenager.
He had always wanted what he couldn’t get and sometimes that seemed to be the only reason why he stayed around.
In the beginning she hadn’t been this weak; she was the girl who sat in the back off the class in a corner and stood behind everything she believed in. Every guy knew she wasn’t the easy one but the pure innocent one who would stay like that ‘til she found the one she’d marry.
At that time she didn’t mind that the guys didn’t spend their time trying to win her over, she used to be happy knowing that one day a guy would walk by who would be willing to wait for her.
That was before Jordan suddenly switched his attention to her though. They started off in the awkward-friend-zone and ended up in the “way-too-close-friends-to-be-called-friends-zone”. Ksenia suddenly started to care about whether Jordan liked her or not and whenever he seemed to loose interest, the disappointment was so big that it tore her heart apart.
She still stood for the same things but she was no longer content with it. The happiness wouldn’t return until she had Jordan back at the place that she wanted him to be.
She liked to believe that she somehow had power over him but Ksenia knew that it was the other way around. Somehow Jordan knew this too and took advantage of it.
“Ohai.” He replied without any emotion.
Maybe he had forgotten about that morning but it could also be that his stupid brain didn’t get that she had been really mad at him. Neither of these options would surprise her, really.
“Look, about this morning..I just wanted to say that I’m sorry that I might have overreacted.”
She closed her eyes and sighed quietly. Hearing those words leave her mouth made her hate herself more by the second. Even though she wanted his respect, she needed his sugarcoated probably-fake compliments more.
She didn’t really care anymore whether he was playing or lying to her, she just needed him around.
Ksenia hated to admit it but he was her drug, making her happy and ruining her at the same time.
“Owh, uhh yeah okay. Don’t worry about it.”
Ksenia kept quiet for a second and hoped that he would apologize too but it kept silent on the other side of the line. A slight disappointment came over her.
Some things never change…
“Oh okay, well thanks. I was feeling really bad about it all day so yeah, I just wanted to set things straight.” Ksenia replied while laying down on her bed. She really needed to hear him say something sweet before she hung up, even if she had to beg for it.
“Did it bother you that much, sweet thing?” Jordan replied with light amusement and a flirting tone in his voice.
Ksenia couldn’t help but chuckle softly and be embarrassed at the same time for her foolish behavior.
“Everything you do has consequences, you know. You might not feel them Jordan, but I do. You know I hate being in a fight with you, so of course it bothered me.”
Her sweet soft voice softened the words yet awakened some guilt in Jordan, just like she wanted it to.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you or anything, babe. You know me, I just really don’t understand girls. And you know that you mean a lot to me, so next time you just immediately tell me if something is bothering you, alright?”
His flattering compliment would normally give people the urge to vomit but it placed a smile on Ksenia’s face. Lately she had been living towards moments like these. Only compliments coming from Jordan could truly make her content.
“Yeah okay, next time I’ll immediately call you and curse at you, just to make sure you’ll get it.”
The sound of Jordan’s chuckle made her heart bounce a little louder than usual. Ksenia knew that things were back to normal again and ignored the annoying little voice in the back of her mind which was telling her that she deserved better than this empty-headed jerk. She didn’t want to let go of him.
She didn’t want to miss how special he could make her feel, or worse, to see him move on to the next girl and start his whole act all over again. It wasn’t only because she needed him but also because she knew that no other girl cared as much for him as she did.
Jordan was very protective when it came to his reputation and Ksenia was one of the few lucky ones who got to see behind the whole charade.
He had a good heart but everything around him was slowly poisoning it. Ksenia had warned him for this a million times but though he was thankful for her well-meant words, he was too full of fear to change anything about it. It was one of the other reasons why she feared letting go of him: watching him mess up his life without being able to help him fix things anymore.
“Well you’re at your cutest when you’re mad. I can’t wait.”
“Whatever, Jordan.” She replied with a girly giggle that made her blush from embarrassment. Way to sound like some obsessed teenage girl!
She cleared her throat awkwardly and mumbled about how that came out kind of wrong.
“No reason to be embarrassed about that, sweetheart. I know you want me, there’s no reason to act all reserved.”
Ksenia sighed loudly at his lame arrogant babbling and replied with another amused “whatever”. Denying it would only make things worse.
“See, I knew it. Wanna marry me?”
Ksenia shook her head while trying to keep herself from bursting out in laughter. Her parents’ room was next to hers and she didn’t want to wake them. It was probably already passed nine and they had decided to get some rest earlier than normal because of all the stress and frustration.
She chuckled softly and turned around to lay on her belly, enjoying every second she was spending with him on the phone.
“No thanks, sweetheart. I’ll pass.”
Ksenia knew that the ‘sweetheart’ was just enough to completely compensate the rejection. He wasn’t really used to girls rejecting anything he requested, even when he was joking.
The disadvantages of being a charming and handsome guy…
“Okay fine, forget marriage. Let’s just move in together, sweetheart.”
“And you can forget about that too. I want to get married first before moving in with a guy, sweetheart.”
Another chuckle from his side. He was probably seeing this as some kind of a challenge and she couldn’t deny that she tried to make it sound like one.
Wouldn’t hurt to see him try harder.
“You don’t have to play hard to get, babe. We both know that in a few years we’ll be sharing the same house and have little Jordans and Ksenias running around.”
“Whatever keeps you sleep at night, dear. The time will tell.” She replied dryly while smiling to herself. She enjoyed these kind of conversations almost as much as she enjoyed the honest and sweet ones. They made her heart act funny.
Jordan laughed at that and mumbled with a charming deep voice that she was the only girl that he could say this stuff to without things getting awkward. She highly doubted it but didn’t let herself wander about it too much.
Maybe she really was that special to him.
Ksenia replied with the same compliment and quickly glanced at the small digital clock next to her bed. It was already 3 hours passed her regular bedtime and she suddenly felt the sleep pull on her eyelids.
She yawned quietly.
“By the way, have you packed? I don’t really know if they will actually allow us to bring anything into these camps.”
Ksenia waited for his response but all she could hear was a questioning silence piercing through the speaker.
“The TWC youthcamps. Tomorrow they’re going to bring us to the transfercamp. Didn’t they send you a message or anything? Or maybe to your parents?”
Ksenia sat up and anxiously waited for him to answer.
“Uh, no. I won’t be picked up until over a month.”
She remembered that Jordan lived in the southern part of this village and made the conclusion that the TWC had probably decided to transport smaller groups over a longer period of time. It was also a possibility that the transfercamp was already swarming with people and that there wasn’t a lot of space left. They’d have to wait ‘til the Commission had divided the group over the numerous camps which would eventually throw them out as perfect citizens.
Spineless amoebas.
Empty-headed robots. Well, you get the point.
“Oh, well uh, good for you. Enjoy your time outside the fences.” She tried to sound happy for him but couldn’t fully hide the disappointment in her voice. She had secretly hoped that they would at least be at the same transportbus.
“A-are you leaving tomorrow already?”
Ksenia was surprised to hear Jordan sound a bit off-balance. Normally he wouldn’t let anyone catch him off guard or vulnerable, considering how much damage it could do to his reputation.
“Yeah, just today I heard that the TWC has accelerated it to tomorrow. I’ll probably be gone before the school even opens.”
“Dude, that’s pretty…scary. I’ll miss you…”
I’m sure you’ll find another girl who can make you feel good about yourself.
“Yeah, it’s pretty scary. And I’ll miss you too. I was hoping that maybe we could go get a drink or something and say goodbye and all that stuff.”
Ksenia bit nervously on her lip and silently begged him to dig up his good heart and say yes to her suggestion.
“What, now? I really wish I could but I’ve got some important things to do, babe. I’m sorry.”
Ksenia remembered that it was Tuesday, one of the days that he always spent in the gym, working out.
Ouch…
She softly shook her head in deep disappointment and felt the anger of this morning crawling back up.
“Have fun at the gym, jerk.”
She quickly hang up to protect her dignity (there wouldn’t have been much left of it if she’d started whining in front of him) and stared at her big deep-blue peepers in the mirror.
“Why am I letting that jerk get to me, anyway? It always ends in tears…”
Her soft whispering lingered in the air as she pulled the sheets ‘til under her chin and cried herself to sleep.
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